my testimony

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I shared several months back a little bit about myself, but something has led to me share my whole testimony. I know that at some point in my life my calling is to share this testimony with young girls, so here it is. I was raised in a Christian home, but not really religious at the time like they are now. My mother divorced my father when i was thirteen months old and remarried when i was around 3 to an awful man that hurt her and threatened her with a gun when she tried to leave him. I remember laying in bed at night listening to her cry and begging him to stop hurting her. I remember the day he broke into our home after she kicked him out and held a gun to my mother's head with me standing there asking me if i wanted to see my mom's brains blown all over the floor. A warrant was issued against him and from 4 years of age on to 8 years of age it was just my mother and i. Those were my best memories. We were so close then and I loved every minute of it. At 8, she married my step father who didn't know how to be a parent other than yelling and dictating all the time. I would have to stay up all night and wash every dish, pot, pan, glass, silverware, etc. that was in the house for one fork being dirty. I started rebelling against my mother, not my step father, when i was around 15 and even ran away when i was 17. I was raped at 16 years old for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. i was supposed to have been at church that night, but a friend of mine and I decided to cruise the roads instead of going. we ended up going to this guys house and things just got worse from there. That was the first time i had ever tried drugs as well, marijuana. I had taken the "True Love Waits" program at church and had every intention on waiting until marriage, but after that night i figured that it didn't matter anymore and that i had already screwed up so bad....so, meeting my ex husband and three months later we decided to go on and have a intimate relationship. The first time it happened I got pregnant. I had started drinking and really that was the only way that i could cope with the fact that i was doing something that was so immorrally wrong for me to be doing. I didn't find out i was pregnant until i was two months along...three days before my 18th birthday. My parents, of course, were very disappointed in me and my step dad didn't talk to me for almost three months. I ended up marrying him when i was four months pregnant, which was a huge mistake. He was into drugs and drinking every night. The only time that he would be intimate with me was when he was drunk and watching other people on tv before coming to me. I was told that I was ugly and fat the whole time i was pregnant and that he couldn't stand to touch me because i was so repulsive. Keep in mind when i got pregnant, i weighed 98 pounds and when i had my son i weighed 118 pounds. He started drinking more and more and doing more drugs, my son had colic and i was up all night long walking him, so when his mother would get off work she would come and get him and take him for a day or two. I was 18, knew nothing about mothering at the time, was stressed from no sleep, so i let her take him which really took a toll on us bonding as mother and son like we should have. I had finally decided to leave my ex husband and found out i was pregnant with our second son. I was so devestated by this and cried for days because i didn't want another child with him, i wanted out. From that point on we were never intimate again in our relationship. My second son and I bonded so much because I breastfed him and he slept with me every night. i would make excuses not to come to bed with my ex and would end up sleeping on the couch with our son until he got older and had his own bed. I left my ex when our youngest was 6 months old. He was drunk again, as usual, and threw a full glass of what ever he was drinking at the time at me while i was holding our child. I kicked him out and never looked back. over the next two years I raised our boys by myself with him getting them every other weekend, and not always then if he had a party to go to. my children at the end of that two years were constantly getting sick and i was constantly having to call in to work, so i lost my job...got evicted..and had no where to go. I asked my ex to watch them long enough for me to get another job and get us a place to live and he agreed all while going behind my back and taking custody from me, saying i was an unfit mother. When i lost custody of my children i just about lost it. he wouldn't let me see them what so ever, most of the time,so i started going out to the bars and drinking myself to death every single night to feel the void of not having my boys with me. I tried drugs again, anything from pot to meth. you name it i did it. i think subconsciencely i was trying to kill my self. My boys lived with my ex and his mother and my ex continued to drink and had started to do some major drugs. The mother came to me and told me that i needed to get my children out of there and so i hired a lawyer, since she said she would back me up on this, and went to get custody back of my children. She turned on me though. I did start getting them every other week though, which helped out a lot and everything that happened i would write down when they came home from their dad's house. I got custody back in August of 2006 and he has to have his mother there with him for them to be able to go there due to him abusing them while drinking. I met an amazing man in 2003 and we married in July of 2004. He is in the Army and deployed four days after us getting married. Things were great for about 6 months after him returning home from war and then the effects of war started coming out in him and was being used on me. I was four months pregnant at the time when all of his anger started coming out. things got worse and worse and I finally left him in Feb. of 2007. It took him two months to figure out that he had to change or we would never make it and it took me leaving for him to see that our children would not see that kind of behavior towards their mother ever again. He moved back in with me in April of that same year and has been a totally different person every since then and keeps getting better and better every day. Also, the Lord has really been working on him as well which is another reason for his change. I gave my heart back to the Lord about 3 years ago and He has helped me through so much and has been there for me through all of these trials I have endured. God is so good and He loves each and every one of us no matter what our past holds, no matter what we've done. I shared this and if it helps or has helped at least one person than it was worth it to write. Thanks to those who took the time to read this. Today, I am a better person because not only did God forgive me for the things in my past, but i have forgiven myself as well. God bless