living together before marriage
By only1shi
@only1shi (404)
United States
May 12, 2008 1:08am CST
i was at work today and we were having a really interesting conversation about relationships. we all pretty much came to the same conclusion that in order to truly know someone and their habits, you've got to live with someone for at least a year. it seems to me that a lot of marriages could be saved or avoided all together if people got to really know each other before moving on to the next step. when you're dating someone and they spend the night, you can do the "polite" thing, like pick up your dirty underwear off the floor, wash the dishes or whatever your vice seems to be. my biggest on is that i leave everything by the front door. my shoes, purse, belt, bags that were in my hands. i eventually put them away, but i have a tendancy to let things pile up. but until you can live with someone and get them out of nice and into the comfort zone, you never really know what you're getting into.
sometimes, your styles of living are too different to co-mingle. sometimes you can be so similar that its annoying. most of the time, you both do things that the others find annoying, but tolerable.
don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that you should "shack up" with someone just because you love them for the moment, or you need a roommate. i really feel that this relationship should be significant enough that you're trying to determine if this person is your soulmate. just like there is the merging of property, there is also the dissolution. which definately becomes difficult to determine if you live in a state that upholds common law marriage. what do you think? should two people in a serious relationship cohabitate before marriage? or do you think that its best to learn together as a couple after its official?
12 people like this
37 responses
@crazylady (470)
• United States
13 May 08
I have to respectfully disagree. I have shacked up with both my ex husband and my present husband. I used the above listed reasons and also its cheaper to save on utilities and rent to do so. However its been proven by people who have researched this, that more people who shack up before hand end in divorce. I think its because of the feeling that marriage is just a piece of paper, or whatever people's excuses are before hand. There is no morality involved, just justification. No commitment.
My ex husband and I lived together for 7 months and then eloped. He didn't change right away, but about 2 years later. So living with him first didn't change that.
2 people like this
@highflyingxangel (9225)
• United States
12 May 08
I think living together before marriage is a good idea, but it certainly isn't for everyone. But I do feel that if people just lived together and knew what really happened behind closed doors and not just when you spent the night would solve a lot of the issues with not getting along with each other. Not to mention you get to see how well you two work together. You'll have meals to make, dishes to do and other chores. If you live together before marriage you can understand how well you work together and what your weaknesses are so you can decide who does what and who does those things the best to make things easier.
2 people like this
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
13 May 08
Your ideas sound very good and I appreciate it. It is always better, if two people start staying together before actually getting married. Actually, married is a big responsibility and people should know their partners before hand. I would love to know my partner before hand and would love to stay with her before marriage, so I could know about her and vice versa. In this manner, we can help each other improving our bad traits and habits and encourage each other in our positive traits.
Very good Post!
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
14 May 08
LOL!..........Kya hua?......... I have just expressed my opinion...........ismey kuchch galat to nahi hai..........LOL!....tum aur kuchch comments yaahaan mat likhna.........LOL!
@keep_onwatch (2680)
• India
13 May 08
May be, but for me living together is a complete NO. I do understand some points, but i fail to understand, if both are in love and seem like they wanna spend the rst of their lives 2gether, y not marry and be committed? Its like " i love you, but please lets just live 2gether to c if i really can live with you or not, plaese lets have trails, lets go for a test drive before i actually make you my own?..." I just cant wrap my head around that subject. And living together has no strings attached, so more easy for both the parners to go astray, if they wont, just y nor marry? I myself, dated my man for about 5 years and then married him the moment i thought, yes i wanna live with him....
1 person likes this
@only1shi (404)
• United States
17 May 08
it's not always about a lack of commitment when you move in with someone. for instance, my husband has sickle cell anemia. before him, i had only casually known someone else with it, but never really understood what it was about. early in our relationship, my husband was hopitalized on three separate occasions for several days each. during this time, i got to see if i was mentally, physically and emotionally prepared to go through something like this the rest of my life.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
13 May 08
I am so old fashioned and I thought that an engagement
was to get to know each other but now I see people living
for years without being married and yet they do not have
the legal benefits of marriage at all. oh they do get to know and in a few months one or the other leaves so people now talk about their first ex, their secondex,and so on. this to seems
just a little bit too open. at least in a marriage one has to try to work things out rahter than just walk out cause one does
not put the lid on the toothpaste or the other leaves the
toilet lid up.I mean trifles seem to cause a lot of these exes.
1 person likes this
@aero89 (422)
• United States
13 May 08
Yes, Hatley and years and years and years. . .
And when they never get married in the course of years and years and years, the girl will be sad because he hasn't married her yet. She will blame herself, thinking that he won't because of her - when in actuality, it's him. She will toy with the idea of leaving and then decide she was being hasty. She will cry when her other friends get married, not because she is happy for her friends, but sad for herself.
I have seen this like 3 or 4 times in my 30 years of life. I am the only one in my 'circle' who lived with my husband before marriage - and got married before 2 years or having a baby. The other girls have either lived with a boy for 3 or 4 years and catch the boy cheating on her, live with the boy for 7 years and totally trash themselves thinking it is them - rather than the boy's fault - that the boy hasn't proposed yet, or lived together a couple of months and end up preggers.
From my life's experiences, cohabitation is a recipe for disaster - and that doesn't exclude my marriage, either. We've discussed divorcing before, so I can say firsthand that living together first doesn't mount up to jack squat.
1 person likes this
@Maggiepie (7816)
• United States
14 May 08
Tell you what...it may look good in THEORY, but stats prove cohabitation will NOT make a marriage work out better. Those who remain chaste before the wedding actually stand a much better chance of STAYING married.
Something about the public commitment....
Maggiepie
@aero89 (422)
• United States
12 May 08
Moving in is a horrible idea! People often get in the routine of things and they get settled in as if they are married. But if ever a time comes when they doubt their relationships, it's that much harder to 'give up' - after all, it's Home! Used to, people didn't move in before marriage, and hmmm, wouldn't you know it?! the divorce was so much lower!
Also, I'd like to point out a problem my (shacked up) friend has been having. She sometimes will come to my house late at night and we will just hang out... we are both on a night shift schedule, so it is not uncommon for us to be up at 2 am or something. Well, her boyfriend thinks it's ok to give her sht about it; but NO! it's not ok... if she were living in her own apartment, she would do the same thing without her boyfriend pretending he's her daddy.
One common claim is that 'we want to know each other better'... OK - you don't have to live together to know his breath stinks in the morning and his laundry piles up but you love him anyway. That's absurd! Duh, his breath stinks and Duh, he leaves the stove looking like a mess, etc.. just silly excuses we make up when we know we are wrong.. that's all.
And lastly, I'd like to say that if you live together first, there is no 'wedding night'. It's the same as every other night, making it just another day... in other words, seemingly unspecial.
1 person likes this
@only1shi (404)
• United States
17 May 08
i think that the decision should be yours to make. after all, it's a free country and you're entitled to your opinions. but i don't think that your friend's bad relationship experience should mold your decisions. its almost like the old adage- "if your friend jumps off a cliff, would you?"
@aero89 (422)
• United States
17 May 08
My friend is actually in a nice relationship; the boyfriend is financially set, they have a nice house, he has a career, all that. But it's really bothered her that he doesn't think highly enough of her to marry. Also, as I stated, I lived with my husband before marriage. In hindsight, I can say that it was a bad move. I wish I never had.
It's not a matter of doing what the friend does. It's a matter of getting the milk for free. It's a matter of a false sense of marriage, and the feelings that are associated with that. If it doesn't work out, it makes it harder to break up if you are living together. PERIOD. Some people may be able to walk right out, but most do not. And if you are going to try to make it work, no matter what - then why not get married first?
Cohabitation is an unnecessary step in the game of life. From my own experience, not the experiences of my friends; I just meant to explain the many reasons I feel this way.
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
13 May 08
I was smart, I lived with my husband a whole year before we were married, that was 17 years ago and we have our troubles true(what marriage doesn't?) But we found out we were more compatible. My sister married in haste before she truly got to know him and they divorced soon after. So I am for the living together for atleast a whole year before marriage I know all those parents out their saying are you crazy? and all kinds of other things, but I think now days it is a must. Even though they will still be changes after the marriage even after living together for a year because they do change, but you have to let them know upfront what is expected so no surprises or sorry I didn't know speeches. Although some men can hold out for the year and be nice and then turn into slobs after the marriage because now they think it is the wifes job to keep up the house now, so you have to let them know what they do now in the relationship is still expected after. I would reccomend living together for a year or more,it will later save alot of money, time and if kids are involved alot of hurt for your kids trying to figure out who wants to live with whom.
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28955)
• Canada
14 May 08
I think that living together beore marriage is a wonderful way to get to know your partner, and to see if you are compatible with that person. It's nice to know that if things don't work out, the people involved can get out beore the commitment is sealed.
1 person likes this
@Ohara_1983 (4117)
• Kuwait
15 May 08
for me living before marriage it is not bad,it depend to both partner & we will know more to each one of them, if what will be thier like & dislike for thier self & becoming family.but not all people of course but some of them it goes to a happy family.
1 person likes this
@sneezeklenex (344)
• United States
13 May 08
My husband and I lived together before we got married and I happen to believe that it is a good idea. The only problem is that after we got married, we changed our habits and became lazier. That's not to say our house is a mess, but that we've gotten rid of doing the chores together like we used to. Now I'm stuck with doing the dishes and laundry by myself. He just takes out the trash every once in a while. I understand why we act this way, and I'm not complaining. I'm just letting people know that what they were like before you got married and afterward can be two totally different things. Good or bad, they're still the person you love, and you should try to help their bad habits and stick with them through thick and thin :o)
1 person likes this
@snowy22315 (182000)
• United States
25 May 08
I think that it's been proven that couples that live together before marriage are more likely to divorce. Marriage and living together are not really that similar,if one person wants to get married and the other doesn't one person is one their best behavior before they get married.
1 person likes this
@toosh21 (800)
• Australia
13 May 08
I think it's good to live together first - to make sure you CAN live together. My husband and I are both from Catholic families (mine is not strict but his is) and we lived together for 3 years before getting married - and we only got married because he wouldn't have children unless we were married.
1 person likes this
@triptadasgupta (900)
• India
14 May 08
yes friend i agree with you completely that by living together for few period of time one comes to know about the nature of that person and that one can also access the compatibility factor but in India one cannot do like this because here it is understood that if a person gets married to another person he has to live with his spouse..
have a nice day...
1 person likes this
@tigerdragon (4297)
• Philippines
13 May 08
i for one am living in with a partner for more than a year now and it has it's ups and downs with concern to each one's personality and way of life. there are a lot of adjustments to be made and at times on the verge of breaking up because of extreme differences and having different perspectives about how things should be. living in was a decision that we made and we are not regretting it because it made us to know each other well enough to learn how to adjust to each others quirks. i am not telling everyone that living in is better or everyone should do it. i am only sharing my experience on this one.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
13 May 08
I personally would rather live with my love than try to mix it with marriage, but that's me. I think it should be up to the couple.Some couples could last longer by getting married ans others by Not getting married.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
13 May 08
Hi only1shi, I see no problem with living together before marriage. Divorce is so common today that it can't make things any worse. I'm not saying that everyone who lives together for a year or two, and then marries will never divorce, but it may save some people from making a big mistake. Most people are sexually active long before they get married, so why not go all the way and move in together. Blessings.
1 person likes this
@Amberina (1541)
• United States
12 May 08
Hey i have always believed you should try out the car before you buy it. Same way with a spouse in my book. You have to see if you can live together because if you can't then you can always say "Hey maybe we should just be friends" and go find someone who you can live with.
1 person likes this
@batgal (18)
•
13 May 08
Well,
In 1988 I met a guy & ended up living with him for 10 years..we had a son together who is now 15. Cutting a long story short..I went through a hell of a time with him with violence & I broke it off. We were engaged once but Im glad we never got married.
Soon after him, my next relationship-I was with this guy for a year, we got married in 1999 & had 2 kids now ages 7 & 2. We were married for 8 years, but grew apart.
So, I guess its best you live with them first to see how the relationship works.
1 person likes this
@SangsTurks (1444)
• India
13 May 08
Hi There,
a very debateable topic but a good one. Accordign to me it is very important to know thr person throughly before getting married and living in is a good platform for that. Untill and unless u live in with a person u would not even know what he or she is all about. pretending for a hour or two every day is very easy but in a live in relationship its very difficult,for how many days can u pretend! Also u come to know the lifestyle of a person, you want to spend the rest of your valuable life with! There might be certain thing that are very annoying to you, but are a part of his life. All these things look very triffle during courtship, but when it comes to living with that person,its headache!! So its best to learn eachother before marriage than after.....coz what if you cant adapt to the person? What are you going to do then? Divorce? or sacrifice your happiness? Or better still sufocate yourself and live a married life? The choice is entirely yours, make the most of it!!!!!
1 person likes this
