Effect of disciplining my son

lol..I'm sorry myself. I actually need help right now (just someone from the family to keep an eye on the maid because I have a toddler who isn't talking yet)...and that's when I find that my mother-in-law refuses to come stay because of this incident that happened more than 3 years back! I couldn't help but laugh at it! But atleast I know where I stand.

He'd do that only if he thinks his mother is being unreasonable. He always had a problem with my ways of parenting...but since I was with my son much more than he was....and since I knew how to handle our son better....and since our son turned out to be the well behaved boy that he is...my husband had nothing to complain about. He still won't come right out and admit I was right, though.

As a general rule husband's don't stand up to their mothers on behalf of their wives. Pardon my cynicism on the topic.

Miami, you are right. It's utterly frustrating too, to put it mildly! It's even worse if they have a passive-aggressive mom who only does things around you and NEVER in front of them. Ugh.

lol...maddysmommy, the first year of my son's life my in-laws lived in the same city as us - just 3kms away and they never visited once. We would visit them every week and they would treat us like guests and my son didn't really know who they were. My parents who live in another continent were much closer and he knew them as his grandparents. My way of disciplining works with the older one. I'm not sure it will work with the second (he's 17 months and has a mind of his own). I've got to figure out new ways of discipling with him. Now that the older one is 7.5, things are easier and he doesn't need me to discipline him all the time. I'm sure you don't have a hard time with your son...especially when your husband talks to him and gets him to think:) Isn't that what we all are trying to do? Make our kids think for themselves and make the right choices on their own without us having to step in all the time? You'll be glad you started early (trust me!)

I found it funny because I didn't know the past 3 years that this was the reason why she was away. It's only now that I realize that she doesn't talk to me when she calls or my husband calls and she (or rather my father-in-law ) has made it obvious that they do not want to meet or talk to me. My father-in-law didn't even come to see our second child...even though I had him in the same city they live in and he didn't even come for the naming ceremony. I took our son when he was around 10 months to my in-laws place because I didn't want him to miss knowing that he had grandparents on his father's side too. Right now, I need some help...and my mother offered to come(she lives in another continent) and my husband didn't want that...so the next option was my mother-in-law...that's when this incident comes back!

I didn't lock him in...I didn't need to (still don't....now he might complain a bit...but never goes against what I say...but he's 7.5 and a little complaining is expected).

I see, I think you're cool and it's her loss. Take care

I actually need a little help right now with someone to keep an eye on the househelp because I have a toddler who isn't talking yet. And all her talks are behind my back...she's very sweet when she sees me and 'Darlings' me all the time.

Now, you are definitely going to think this is funny! She didn't even like the fact that he had to sleep in his own room alone at night!!!She expected him to be sleeping in our bed with us (even at 4)! So, what she did then, is make grandpa and grandson sleep on the bed...and she slept on the floor!! I tried to tell my son that he needs to sleep on the floor....but she wouldn't hear of it..so I let it be.

lol..nothing more to come...they don't talk to me...don't visit me. I visit them for lunch when I go to our native city and that's the extent of it. And you are right...there probably are many more things bugging her. This thing came out when I was talking to my husband about having her come over and stay for a bit to keep an eye on the househelp (he didn't want my mother coming) because I'm not comfortable leaving my toddler alone with the help when I start work.

Wow! She definitely believes in the 'freespirit' and 'entitlement' parenting style. I fully believe you had your work cut out for you with your husband. I'm glad to see you are raising the kids right with limitations and reasoning. But if she is that stubborn as described in your other comments here, she might have a deeper running grudge than just this incident. Brace yourself, there is more to come.

lol...Mimpi, I don't know who is suffering. I think there are other reasons which will come out later. Well, they've hardly been around me...so they can't really criticize what I do...it;s just one or two incidents here or there and 3 years is a long time to keep this little incident in mind. I wonder what other things they've kept in mind. My fil didn't even come to see our second son when he was born or during the naming ceremony. I, then took my son to their house (where I was treated like a guest) when he was 10 months old. When my fil came to Bangalore a few months back, he visited his daughter and didn't visit us or even call (I think he called my husband on his way back). Now, when I need help...that's when all these little things are coming up and I even know they are upset at me!

Actually Mimpi, there's nothing to put up with. The only thing that makes me sad is that I like a big family (with the ups and downs) and a close knit family. I'm basically from a big family myself...where everyone is in everyone's problems...and there are problems within themselves...but at a time of need....we are one...and I thought that's how a joint family works. Now neither am I in a joint family...and I have no one to help when I want it. I feel like I am begging to some stranger to come and help me out and I've been married 8.5 years and still not considered part of their family.

This is bad of them. I get that it's really serious and when things are out of control better ignore them. What else could you do! BTW, the disposition of your FIL is condemnable. You are a brave soul putting up with such in laws.

I don't think a spank is wrong (when he needs it) and would have done that too if necessary. I don't mind my mil putting her opinion across (which she did)....but she's kept it for so long and what's worse is that my husband didn't stand up for me.

I'm not one for spankings but I know sometimes kids needs them too :) I've given a few to my nieces and nephews but I hated doing it. Did you ask your hubby why he didn't stand up for you? It is odd that she still holds onto that.

I bet you are right on there with your hubby :)

lol..she would have done the same thing if I had physically disciplined my son. She would have gone and told my husband about it! My kids are also losing out not knowing their grandparents. My younger one saw his grandparents once when he was 10 months old (as if he's going to remember it) because I took him over after my fil refused to see the baby at the hospital or come for his naming ceremony. I'm sorry that your son is missing out knowing his grandparents.....but the worst part is putting the blame on you and telling people that YOU wouldn't let them see him.

Yes, funny...strange! I wonder what I married into!

They never came to the hospital to see their grandson either and would never come to my house and see him as well.I was asked to bring him by there to see them.Then she wrote me the letter saying that I wasn't welcome over there.There were several times during my son's childhood that he called them,left messages and they did not call him back and when they were there and answered the phone he would try to make plans to see them and it seemed to be never conveinent.Now my son is 24 and he has been there to visit(I even took him there once) and a few months ago he was talking to his step grandfather and he called him by his name,like his father does and he got scoulded for not calling him grandad.So,I understand what you are saying and how you feel.You were not saying that it's funny,ha ha,but funny,strange.

I'm sure there's more and it's all coming out one at a time. I'm feeling so bad that all this while I didn't even know that they were harbouring such thoughts about me.

I would have spanked my son too (if it was necessary). She's been upset for more than 3 years (I'm sure there are more reasons that are going to come out later). She already has missed a lot. They missed it even more when we were living in the same city. Their idea of pampering is only feeding and then the child should sit quietly somewhere. We used to visit them every week when they were in the same city and we were treated as guests. MY son didn't even know they were his grandparents and he bonded well with my parents who live in another continent. Now that my in-laws have moved to our hometown we meet them only when we go there (which isn't often because my older son is in school). And they are yet to meet my 17 month old son (my fil didn't visit at the hospital when I had him and didn't come for the naming ceremony either). The last time my fil was in our city, he visited his daugher and left without seeing or calling us!

Oh my... all that just because of how you disciplined your son... i don't think that is the only reason... since they have intentionally missed a lot of milestones in your kids lives... some grandparents usually forget even the baddest things just to be with their grandchildren...

lol..my son's 7.5 years now and it's late to change my disciplining tactic even if I wanted to (not that I would). I can see him making the right choices now without me having to intervene and he comes to me with a problem only when he's really stuck and doesn't know how to handle it without getting aggressive. Don't get me wrong! My son's not the perfect child...he does have his days too...but he's just a little better than handling it than other kids his age. And like you said....it's my son's (and my younger son too who has just seen my in-laws once when he was 10 months old) loss!

I wonder why you think that's not what happened. Because that's exactly what happened. And I had forgotten the incident myself...till it was brought up recently. They couldn't have heard what I said to him...because I didn't raise my voice. I understood what he said and why he said it. I also understood how it would come across to people of the previous generation. So, all I did was talk to him and tell him that the behaviour was inappropriate when used with elders. And he understood that. As far as I remember, he was in there for hardly 5 minutes...he came out on his own and apologized to them...genuinly apologized to them. There was no tantrum (my older son has never thrown a tantrum)or raised voice. I spoke to him, explained how what was okay with his friends might be okay with adults and he thought about it and understood. I'm not really into their way of parenting. And they probably don't like me being firm. My mother-in-law believes that all kids are born with a personality and parents should let them be. Though I agree with the first part, I draw a line when it comes to bad manners. One can't change a child's personality but a parent can guide them to show their personality in the right way without being rude or disrespectful. And I believe it is the parent's RESPONSIBILITY to mould the child in the right way. I would take it as a negative remark on my parenting if someone came and told me that my child has bad manners and is disrespectful to others....and wouldn't put the blame on the child's personality.....but that's what my mother-in-law would do. Another point is that they were staying with us for a few days...and she wouldn't know what works for my child. Even when they stayed close to us, they would never visit or be involved in our lives. We would visit them every week...and we were treated as guests and weren't allowed to enter any other part of the house besides the living room. That is why I wasn't surprised at the way my son behaved....he didn't think of them as his grandparents (at that point he thought he had just one set of grandparents -my parents.....who stay in a different continent and still made it a point to keep in touch and bond with him)

lol..thanks. I know I did a great job with the first one...more so because he's like me and all I had to do was think how would I want to be handled in this situation. But I have to figure out new ways with my second who is very different from his brother. But I felt bad that they aren't talking to me because I disciplined my child. They are losing out on getting to know us and my kids (and me) and losing out on getting to know them. I even have a sister-in-law living in the same city as us and we meet only twice a year. I used to call every week earlier and then I realized that she was making excuses not to talk to me...so my husband asked me not to bother calling. And since then she has never called and talked to me. She calls when she's sure my husband will pick up (late at night) or call him on his cell and not even ask about me.

Her way of discipling her children are by telling them 'Don't do that' (she isn't even specific about what the 'that' is) and leaving it hanging in the air for them to pick up if they wish. No wonder my husband grew up thinking he's the greatest gift to mankind!

Oh yes...she's a lot better than other mothers-in-law I know who insist this is the right way. It's just not in her character to be demanding....it's there in her mind though. I ever thought I had a problem with my MIL...in the sense we never argued or fought. I was always open in my communication with her and I assumed her silence was because she understood. Now I know about all the talking behind my back....the wolf in sheep's clothing! I'm wondering what other version she has of all the other incidents that happened between me and her. And who is my husband to believe?

I can understand using "that" if it's obvious what she's referring to, but I mean c'mon.... Well I'm just glad you taught him how to respect a woman, and think of it this way, she could be worse.... she could demand you treat your children differently, instead she just stays away;.

lol...yes. I think the concept of a time out was not the norm in India. I grew up outside the country and we now stay in a metro where people who returned from abroad have settled. So, most people around me would know what I'm talking about. But my mother-in-law has a typical old fashioned way of disciplining where ignoring what a child does is the way of showing love. She would let her then 3 year old granddaughter pee inside the house (and help her do it) just because she wanted it that way. The moment a child throws a tantrum (especially her kids or grandchildren), she would give in just to stop the tantrum. But that's when I ignore it and definitely will not give in. And I also think that in the situation that I mentioned in the post, she should have been happy that my son got the message with explaining....instead of being spanked(which is what usually happens in India)

I didn't lock him in (she assumed that). And I've never argued with my in-laws and didn't even know we had a problem. I think she's making excuses for not coming because I asked for help. My mother tells me that I'm a little harsh on my son..I explain things to her...she might not agree...that doesn't stop her from visiting and bonding with the kids.

lol...with me she's very sweet...all this happens behind my back. Maybe I should take her to her room and give her a talk...maybe I should take my husband to his room too and give him a talk about standing up for his wife when she's doing something right. What do you think?

lol..you are so right about that!!! I'll probably have to leave the room open and let everyone hear what I have to say. Or maybe have mother and son in the same room when I give the talk...lol

lol....I don't have to handle her at all now. She isn't visiting and I visit her for a few hours when I go home. The kids and the grandparents are missing out on each other because of this. She's seen my younger one just once for his naming ceremony when he was a month old....my father-in-law didn't even come to see him then. I've never argued with my in-laws though I've put my opinion across at times.

Frankly, I don't mind advice being given and I take them if they are good advice or might work for me. I don't claim to know everything...and do think that the previous generation has some pearls of wisdom up their sleeve. But for her to be keeping this is mind so long and throwing it back at me (through her son) when I need help was something I hadn't thought of. She left her son at her mother's when he was a year old and he lived with them only after he was 18. She had even suggested sending our older one to my parents (who are well off and in another continent) a few months after he was born. We refused...we felt it was our duty to raise the child we brought into this world.

I wish the same too. I do not want her missing out bonding with the kids and I do not want the kids missing out on their grandparents either. My two are the only grandsons she has....she doesn't even call and talk on the phone....she calls her daughter who stays in the same city as we do. Like someone others pointed out, I think there's more to this than the incident mentioned in the post....though that's the explanation I got to know. Funny thing is that my mother-in-law and I have never argued over anything. I felt we put our opinions across and the other takes it if they think it's right in the situation. That's how I saw it. But I guess that wasn't the case.