Help with teen daughter.

it is difficult now than ever before the generation gap we used to talk about with the passage of time has become centurian gap perhaps. any way i , a parent of three grown ups , feel that more than anything we as parents are at fault at times we are more demanding and at others in an effort to help our own kids sacrifice our respect so much that we lose it altogether in their eyes but if the children are not behaving properly they must be told to behave themselves or they should be warned to face the consequences but beware we as parents are the eventual looser this way or the other way round we are more suffers so somehow a balance has to be struck it is like walking on a rope.................... take care cautiously......... all the best

First off try to remember when you were a teen, I think all teens go through the stage that nothing their parents say is right, even when the parent may be trying to do something even better for them. I do not want to come off the wrong way but you daughter sounds a little too spoiled. Like she knows she is gone to get exactly what she wants and when she doesn't it ends up into an argument. How much are you giving her for allowance if you don't mind me asking. Because I see that you said you took on a second job just so you can give her allowance.

WOW! My mom would have knocked me flat on my butt if I talked to her the way your daughter talked to you. I knew better. I never recieved and allowance...and I never asked. I knew that my parents worked hard for their money and that money was always used for bills. IF there was extra they didnt mind giving me a little. Im 23 now with children of my own...Im sorry to say but I would NEVER let my children treat me like that. She is showing no respect for you. I dont want to be harsh, but your foot down. You dont deserve to be treated like that...expecially by your own daughter. Is she old enough to get a job? If so make her a get a job and start paying for her own things. Maybe then she will understand that making money is not easy. Ive had to work since I was 16...I paid for everything including my own school clothing and supplies. I paid for my own cell phone, I baught my own car, paid my own insurance...etc etc. I am grateful for my parents not just handing me everything, because I know how to live and support myself and my children. The real world is harder then I could ever have imagined and my parents helped me understand that by making me take care of my own responsibilities.

hi, dangabit67, I think the mis-communication between you and your daughter is a bit serious. Both of you should really sit down and talk to each other. She might not know how hard and tired you are working 2 jobs to raise her and family. I suggest you to bring her along when she's holiday and ask her to help you with your job. Since she reluctant to give back the money to you, you can help her to have a savings habit and teach her the importance of money to buy useful stuff rather than just temporary luxurious stuff. As a teenager before, I really hope my parents explain their actions to me most of the times. And not just command me like a captain order a soldier to do work!!! Hope my suggestions help you.

I do not believe in allowance why do parents do that. Talk with her do not shout with her. Whenever it reach this stage walk away. Too many parents make this mistake and then the child believe that mother/child is the same. Do not tell your child everything sometimes this backfired. Let her do the housework and yes if she is to cook let her do it. This is learning responsibilities. You say that you are doing two job to paid her allowance. Dangnabit dear lose the second job and spend more time with your child. Sometimes teenagers especially girls are going through alot of emotions and want their mother at home to speak with and that mother is absent. You see teenagers talk and when her girlfriends talk about their relationship with their mothers and she look at the two of you, she is going to be resentful towards you. Be there for her money is not everything. Remember closeness begins now do not make it reach too late.

You need to keep in mind that you are the parent, you run the house, you feed her, you take care of her, and you work because of her. I was never that disrepectful when I a teen. If I wanted allowance I had to clean the kitchen at night, vacuum and dust on Sunday, and I had to help out around the house. I have a toddler and I am teaching him respect because I don't want him to grow up and be a brat. Before you can try and change your daughter you need to realize that she doesn't control your bank account nor should she control any thing. You should explain that she is not going to get through life being that way. If she gets a job after she has graduated she will get fired for being that way. To teach teens about money and how you should work for it not demand it, make them get a job. Something simple, babysitting, yard work, helping an elderly neighbor or picking dog poop. You need to regain the control in your house.

First, stop letting her get away with acting that way, you will create a monster. That was your money. There is no question there. I am a little fuzzy on why you are giving her $100? Did she earn it? Why are you apologizing, did you do something wrong? I would stick her in the car and hold her hostage for a day until she is ready to talk. Let her know that this behavior is no longer acceptable. You are the parent and she is the child. I am all for apologizing when you are in the wrong. But to do it so she doesn't get mad...... I am by the way speaking from experience, I have a teen aged daughter and we are very close. Sometimes the teenager in her sprouts its ugly head, she can go to her room until she is human again. I give her space when she needs it, then I am there when she is ready to talk. But I will not take silence for too long!

its mainly the problem with the teens.they are in a way which is more turbulent in life. thats why it is said that it is difficult to bear with them. be more patience. and talk with her. see how she reacts.

My daughter used to say the same thing to me all of the time but I always listened to her when she had something to say. the thing of it was, she never listened to me and when she didn't get her way, she would say that I am not listening to her. My daughter never looked to me a s her parent either. she used to talk to me like a dog in the past. We should not always have to explain ourselves to our children as parents. she is just giving you problems right now. My daughter used to take me for granted also and the more I did for her, the more disrespect she gave me. she now has her own part-time job and she knows what responsibilities and respect for others is also. Maybe that is what your daughter needs. My daughter no longer mouths me like she used to. she has finally started to grow up and treat me with some respect. She is 16 now though but this just stopped a year ago.

seems when i was a teen, i did the same thing!

I could never talk to my Mum, how your daughter is with you, is how I was with my Mum, and it is not until this last few years that I see what I did and what I was. Sometimes kids forget that without us giving them money they would have nothing, it is like they grow up thinking it is their right to have money given to them for nothing by us. I have listened to many stories from older relatives on how they were out working as soon as they could to earn money for THEIR parents, the parents never gave them money. Things have changed drastically over the years. Kids think it is their right now to have it. I have a 16 year old who now has a Saturday job to earn his allowance as such, we do not give him anything now. But my other 3 younger children get an allowance on the understanding that they earn it, we set them jobs to do, no jobs then no money. I think you should try and explain things to her, whether she would listen or not is another matter, but if she does listen then she may understand better. I always talk to mine and tell them everything, they need to know that it is not easy for us parents either in life, especially where money is concerned and the sooner kids can understand that the better for them in the long run.

dangnabit 67 she is a teenager and the teens are sort of tough I think. you are damned if you do and damned if you don't with them. I think they are trying out'their wings and they get into trouble. Perhaps you should have explained your actions to her, I really don't know. My child was a boy and I think its a little easier raising a teenage boy and thats been a long,long time ago.I do understand how you feel.you are her parent and You feel she should listen to you. try talking this out with her just like you explained it to us. it might help.

First off I did not get allowance due to the fact that my parents could not afford it. I did not care. I was happy to get lunch money. So, yes she sounds as though she is spoiled. I am not blaming you because my children are spoiled. I feel that I spoil my children because I did not have a lot growing up and can give my children all those toys and things I did not get. But, at the same time I already teach my children the value of money. My daughter is 6 and I give her $2 a week. That is all she gets and has to earn it. And if she wants a toy she has to buy it with her money. She has been saving it because every time she wants something she asks how much will be left. I tell her nothing because most the time she won't have enough with tax. She is still saving because she does not want to start over. She has been taking care of things better too knowing that I will not replace them. But, I do think you should explain why you tell her no. If she wants something and you do not have the budget for it, you need to tell her no and why. Tell her that you need to pay bills and what not first before you can buy things that are a want and not a need. I feel it is good for children to understand things like bills and budgeting so that they will be able to later in life. My parents never kept stuff like that from me and I am really good at spreading a dollar a long way. Also explaining things to her help her understand why instead of thinking you are just saying no and doing it anyhow.

Teenaged girls are not human! I was one once, I know! First of all, you must make her see that you are the parent and she is the child. It may be a fight, but she MUST be made to understand that. The next time she says that you never listen to her, tell her to pick a time and a place for the two of you to sit and talk things out. That will give her a feeling of some control over the situation while making sure that she can never say that you don't listen. If the meeting never takes place, it will be on her shoulders, not yours. I think you were very correct in your handling of the lunch money situation. Maybe you should have added that the money WAS for food, put there by YOU, so if she wanted to spend it, it would be spent on the food you supply her. What is her allowance and how does she earn it? Allowance should be earned, not given freely. If this is not the case, you'll have to sit down with her and work out a payment system for chores around the house, including cleaning her own room. My son tried selling candy from the candy drive at school, only to end up with almost an entire box. I told him I'd pay for the candy but he would have to repay me by doing extra chores. He earned $1.00/day for washing the kitchen floor. Okay, this WAS 12 years ago, so the price would be higher today, but you get the point. Today, he is a very hard worker with great self-esteem. Children today are given way too much without earning it. It makes them believe that they do not have to work to get rewarded. Working to earn rewards is a reward in itself in that they learn self-respect and self-worth.

Aww sweety..I am feeling you..i remember that age..and i see alot of me in your daughter lol..i always wanted my cake and eat it too and for a long time my mom did just that..it wasnt until i was 15 i believe that she started the "tough Love" and i hate to tsay it but i feel she may need some as well..This is what my mom did with me and iwil pass on what got threw my head and how..She picked a saturday that was just us..not my dad or sister..i was so excited..we went shopping a little..moslty browsed. and drooled lol..i think i got a new bra and shirt that day..then we went to this little spa to get facials and the works..with cheese and water..and while we were there just relaxing she says April hunny we need to talk..i think its time since your 15 almost 16 that you start relizing you cant have everything u want..and i dont have all this money u think i do..i work very hard for our family..and i need u to understand this..with your allowance if u want to spend it its urs to spend..but dont keep askin me for more..cause then that takes away from what we can do as a family..like tha trip were takin in the summer where do u think teh money comes from? so Im savin for that and i pay you money we dont really have..but because i promised u allowance..i give it to you..but you need to give mne a break and relize you cant have everything everyone else has..there parents have lots of money..we dont.Hunny do u understand? "Soo after that day we actually became closer and that kinda made me a better person and i understood more why she always fought with me aboutthings..i was in teh wrong..Soo..maybe a spa isnt your cup of tea..maybe lunch..dinner? soemthing she likes..and just talk to her about everything..she will listen better than u think..and its better than fightng al the time..right? just a litle help that worked for us..lots of luck! April

I can remember acting like this when I was a young teen. Everything everyone told me just got on my nerves because I really felt like no one was listening to me. Everytime I tried to talk to someone I felt like they were just humoring me. Maybe you should really sit her down one evening and tell her you know what it's like to be young and growing up and that you really do want to listen to her and you do care what she says. Just try to be more open with her and see what happens.

Wow, okay I'm only 19...and I gotta say your daughter is darn lucky! I don't even get an allowance, haven't since I was about 12 or 13. I wish I could get an allowance, expecially the generous one you give her! And the lunch money was yours in the first place right? You were justified in asking for it back. And even more justified to tell her to buy her own food with it. Did she actually, literally throw the money at you!? That is a real childish action! I do believe in some situations parents should explain themselves, but you shouldn't have to-not in this situation! No offense to you, but it sounds like she has gotten away with a lot of stuff, and she really doesn't think she has to listen to you because of it. You have to make her udnerstand that you are the parent, and that when you tell her something (with in reason) she has to listen to you. Don't take advantage of that, it'll just push her farther from you-but she has to know as long as she is living with you, you are the boss. Just like at a job (and you're paying her like a job too!) Can I ask, does your daughter work?

It's tough being a parent. We want the best for our children and we have so many fears. I understand what you are feeling. We can niether be too strict nor too lenient least we may end up with regrets. Perhaps what you can do is to have a heart to heart talk with your daughter. Maybe she's having a hard time herself. Listen and be her bestfriend to her without losing being a mother. She is still after all a minor so she has to understand that you are her mother and she has to abide by your rules. I believe explaining to your daughter what's in your mind would not make you a lesser mother to her it may help her understand the big picture.

i suggest you to make her know how you earn her allowance..most of kids cannot understand what a tougth job their parents are doing..

Well i don't have a daughter but my boyfriends son is 12 and my son is 6. Well his son just came to live with us and it has been a rollercoaster since. He is not as moody and resentful when he takes his medicine for ADHD. But his mother couldn't find his medicine and it can not just be called in. He has to see the doc everytime he runs out. We couldn't get him in for a month. He came here in the first place because his mother couldn't handle him. His mother waited until he was around eight to discipline him. So he was used to doing whatever he wanted. We just had to lay down the rules. We explained to him that this is our house, we pay the bills and we make the rules. He wasn't going to scream and yell everytime he didn't get his way. He was not going to talk back to us. And he was going to follow them or be grounded from everything (and i do mean everything, t.v., outside, toys, movies, videogames) until he did. The plan isn't perfect. He still tries to argue about everything but for the most part it works. I agree that at times you shouldn't have to explain things. But I remember being a teenager and thought I knew everything and my parents was stupid. And of coarse I am still eating my words LOL. It helps explain to them that we aren't just being mean and bossy because we like it. There are reasons and it is our job to do so. You need to tell her that if you could give her the world you would but it wouldn't make her a wonderful person in the long run. That you work 2 jobs and that you don't have to pay her allowance *NOT A LOT OF KIDS GET THIS. the chores she does she should be doing anyway to learn to clean up after herself and other people, being that is what mothers do and it is best she does not learn the hardway. What you teach her now will shape her for the long run. I know it is hard and there is times you just don't have the fight in you. But she will thank you later. My mom never made me do anything. She never made sure I done my homework, clean up after myself much less anybody else. So when I turned 16 she thought she would start and that was a fight. Instead of standing her ground she would just give up at times. I was 17 working at McDonald's when I learned how to sweep and mop a floor! I almost didn't graduate (which is my fault). But she never pushed me at times when I needed it. But she never said I told you so when I would come crawling back to her either. Of coarse she says I told you so now that I am a mother. LOL :-D Good Luck, Hope That Helps.