I need a Simple, Easy Job that even a Retard could do

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I need a simple, east job that even a retard could do. Monster.com's search is complete fecal matter, and I can't afford gas to go driving around to random buildings around me to seek out applications to fill. I wish "Application Filler" was a job. I need a job that doesn't have such a "professional" environment, where every minute action hinges upon a delicate balance between survival and the apocalypse. I need a job that isn't such a big deal, that the people involved won't fear the world will end if the business isn't the center of the universe. I also need a job with low qualification requirements, since I'm seeing even data entry jobs posted with phrases like "fast paced environment", "must be able to keep up". Just about every job, despite irrelevance to search queries, requires "customer service" with "people skills". Personally, I hate and despite humanity and all their ilk, which doesn't scream "people skills" to me. Unfortunately for you, I'm not a soulless tool, so I can't just "change my attitude" so that I want to hump the leg of every smelly sociopath I meet. The only thing I'm "dedicated" to is not getting shot up by some crack addict on the way to my car, which I can't afford. A job is about making money before it's about getting things done. I wasn't the one who shifted away from nomadic and agrarian societies to petty service jobs designed to pander to society's vanity and pride. I'd be satisfied to have a job in the dead letter office, and get "bag of money" given to me every payday as long as I make more than 4K a year to put into a Roth IRA account, whatever the heck that is. I should not be given a job that deals with life-and-death situations, which involves customer service, as that can lead to encounters against drunk crackers who may end up with a head in the deep fryer or the paint mixer. Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, humans gotta eat. Well, supposedly there's enough food for the entire human population, so let's change that to "humans gotta have clothing and a roof over their head and to not get jacked by some gang banging punk who'll shoot them for the ten bucks they have left in their wallet".