step-parents as grandparents
By cukal6
@cukal6 (146)
United States
May 21, 2008 6:11pm CST
I am 31 years old and have 2 little boys. My dad just got married last year and his new wife has already starting calling herself grandma. She signs cards that way and refers to herself as their grandmother when talking to other people. This really bothers me but I don't know how to bring it up to her. It's bad enought that she's pushing herself on me (upset because I didn't send her a mother's day card, upset that I didn't send her kids birthday cards) but please do not involve my children. Any suggestions. My dad is really happy and I don't want to upset him, but I don't see how I can let this continue.
3 people like this
11 responses
@grammasnook (1871)
• United States
22 May 08
My mom remarried just a few years ago, My children knew my father before he passed, My father is thier PaPa. Before my mom got married I told her that I would give him the respect of being her husband but my children will call him Grampa John. If you add the name to it, to me it tells all. She is taking on the grandmother role and should be respected for that. He whined to my mother about me not sending him a father's day card. folks I am almost 45 years old and he is a knew step father now for 3 years.
I went right over there and sat him down and said John when I refer or speak of you I have the respect to call you my step father.. verses my mothers husband. However you are not my father he is the only one that will ever recieve a fathers day card from me. I did not say this to be mean I said this because I respect both my father and you. I ask that you respect the way that I feel. He totally understood. I acknowledge his birthday and christmas but nothing I ever give him will ever say father,dad or grampa on it.
Communication, communication, communication.. that is what makes these things work. Please do yourself a favor and resolve this soon or the resentment will weigh heavy in your heart.
I am sure you dad would totally respect and understand you also I suggest to have it come from you directly to her and not through your dad.
1 person likes this
@grammasnook (1871)
• United States
22 May 08
She can and never will take the place of your mother nor will your stepfather take the place of your dad. I just feel that if they are called gramma jane it gives respect to her as your fathers wife. Would you feel any differently if your mom was not in the picture? I just feel they are and should be considered extended family. It should be left up to the children what they feel comfortable calling them. Not how adults feel about the situation. Children adapt and do quite well. Maybe sit her down and tell her you dont like it, but if the children begin seeing her in this "gramma role" and call her gramma jane would you still be this upset? Christmas comes around and you all go to her house she has her grandchildren and your dad has his, she buys her grandkids playstations and yours get a stocking with candy in it, tell me you wouldnt get mad. All I am saying and please I am not trying to sway you have your beliefs. It is either she is a step grandmother or just some lady named jane. Just please before letting things get out of control think of the kids and thier feelings. I dont know maybe I am wrong all I know is that my children have grown into wonderful people and my 7 year old is aware of his family tree. 31 I am guessing your children are kind of young. Please whatever you do when you speak to her you explain your feelings with a kind heart and not out of anger.
@cukal6 (146)
• United States
22 May 08
My mother is still alive and well, and also remarried. She would never consider her new husband as the kids Grandpa. He is just Sean. That's what I call him and that's what my kids call him. She also has stepkids that are young (13 and 10) and she doesn't expect me to call them my brother and sister. That's why I don't understand my new stepmother forcing the issue.
1 person likes this
@RedFeather (427)
• United States
22 May 08
does she have children of her own? it sounds as though she is missing something in her life, and is thrilled at the prospect of a 3 generation "instant family"
is there a problem between you and her? did she not try to be close to you before the marriage?
i don't think a child can have too many grandparents, unless of course she is stepping on your own mother's toes...
as to the mother's day card - i definitely feel for you - there was absolutely no reason for her to expect that.
1 person likes this
@cukal6 (146)
• United States
23 May 08
She does have children of her own (18 and 13). Things were completely different before they got married. We got along great. But since the wedding, she has completely changed. She all of a sudden wants to take over the role of mother and grandmother. She complains that I don't treat her kids the same as I treat my brothers. Sorry, that will not happen. I took her daughter with a cruise on me in October...what else does she want me to do?
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
22 May 08
You have no idea how Lucky you are! Your new stepmother could detest the ground you walk on, you and your kids too! She could never want to have you or your kids in her house. But she has taken your kids to her heart! She is showing you a love that you are not returning. Hopefully if you can get down off your High Horse, there will still be time to respond to her with love. I hope your Dad has not noticed your reticence. Take your boys the Grandpa and Grandma's house,and bring a gift to show your Love!
1 person likes this
@bubblyapple (2653)
• Philippines
22 May 08
The best you could do right now is engage in a serious talk. The more you let this go on, the more you feel trapped into a relationship that you are not ready for yet. Taking into consideration that your father is happy that she is making these gestures, you might want to talk to your father first and tell him that you just don't feel comfortable at this point. Assure him that a time will come that you would be ready for it but not as of the moment. Then go talk to your stepmom. If possible, make it just you and her so that there wouldn't be any extra pressure to both of you. Tell her how you feel and assure her as well that when given time, you would feel comfortable with the whole situation.
I believe that talking things out would smooth things better. Not saying anything might hamper the beginning of your relationship with your stepmom.
1 person likes this
@cukal6 (146)
• United States
22 May 08
I just hate to put my dad in the middle because that's what she does. I can't tell you how many times he has called me in the past year because she has complained that I don't consider her or her kids part of the family. It's not that I don't consider them family, I live 2 hours away and can't always get there for every birthday party or bbq or any other thing she's throwing. I know he's in a difficult position and I don't want to make it any harder for him.
@WANDALIE44 (888)
• United States
22 May 08
why do you sit wit your dad over dinner or lunch just the two of you, and say to him that yur not just ready yet for her to say shes the kids grandma, and you dont want to upset her, but you feel uneasy for her to take that title on. mybe he could break the news to her and you wont have to.. good luck
1 person likes this
@sisterjinx (1135)
• United States
22 May 08
First of all she should have spoken to you first about it. She feels like part of the family because she is in love with your father and is now married to him. He sees her as part of the family as well or else he would say something. However, it is obvious that you do not feel this way. She should have asked before trying to bond with your children. Maybe she doesn't realize how much this is bothering you. Have you tried talking to her about it? You should talk to her.
Do you know why this bothers you so much? Because that will be important for having this discussion. But you should have it soon because you kids are going to bond to her as grandma if you don't nip it in the bud now. And then you will have to deal with more consequences when you do finally have the discussion.
Good luck.
@cukal6 (146)
• United States
22 May 08
I don't really know why it bothers me. I think it's because she is just trying to shove herself down my throat. And it's not just me, my brother's feel the same way. She has stepped in and really tried to take over and gets upset when we don't treat her like mom. She didn't act like this before they got married, but the day she said "I do" everything changed. To top it off, she's only 10 years older than me. There's no way I can consider her a step-mother when she's only 10 years older.
1 person likes this
@daniellegldn (255)
• Australia
22 May 08
I am kind of in the same situation except me and my partner are only engaged and his step mother keeps signing cards etc grandma...I was a little confused at the time because even though the kids are mine and my partners his father and his partner are not married either so its kind of weird and there are no marrital or blood ties between any of us really but I kind of shrugged it off because you can never really have enough family and in my case I have very little so the more people that love and care about my kids the better,I wouldnt worry too much she obviously just cares and wants to be a part of the family,thats a good thing.
@bdugas (3578)
• United States
22 May 08
is she pushing her self on you, or you resent the fact your father is with another woman other than your mother, she is your kids grandmother by marrying your father, and I believe she is doing what any woman would do to try and be a part of the family.
You could have a talk with her and tell her it is going to take sometime to get used to this new marriage of your father's, but you know if you just resent her, and you start a fight, your father will be hurt and you could lose him to her. And I know you don't want that,is it you don't like her, has she done something, or you just don't want anyone else with your father, you did not state why this bothers you. Maybe you could give her a chance for your father's sake, I married a man that had kids and also grandkids, I became the grandmother, his exwife fought me in all there was that I was not to call these kids my kids or grandchildren, the fighting and the lies she told only hurt the kids.en you marry someone you get the whole family not just the person you married and I believe all us STEPS want to be a part of the family. So unless she is really a horrible person can't you be the bigger person and give her a chance, you sure dont' want your father to have to tke sides, the out come could be bad for all.
@schilds (410)
• United States
22 May 08
Let her be grandma. It simplifies things for your children, and keeps from having to explain family history to others. And technically that is what she is - she is married to grandpa. My kids have 3 of each grandma's and grandpas - and 7 great-grandpas!! (I had 4 grandpa's - well 5 if you include my grandpas "partner", but I didn't know about him until a couple years ago). I would however talk to her about forcing herself and her family on you. Explain to her that you are an adult and a 30 year old woman doesn't adjust to having a new mom and siblings easily. Offer her friendship instead - at 31 you hardly need a mother figure, but one can never have too many friends. My dad got married last year also - I have 3 new brothers I have never met, and cant even remember their names, but even if I had met them and knew all there was to know about them I wouldn't be their sister, at best I would be a friend - his wife is grandma to my kids, but Jacque to me. And it fits - she plays the role of grandma, she's married to grandpa, why not? I hope this makes sense - I have typed it up twice, and cant quite seem to get it in order. Good luck with your step-mom and dad. (and I wouldn't put him in the middle, I would speak directly to her - it will put you more on a peer level with her and seem less like your running to daddy to complain about the evil step-mom)
@schilds (410)
• United States
22 May 08
I just read another of your replies -about your mom being remarried, but he is Sean. I never called my step-dad DAD or his parent grandma and grandpa -- I called them by their names, but if someone were to ask me Rick is I would tell them that is my dad - and he is the one who gets fathers day cards from me - not the man I call dad, because he didn't raise me. What you or your children call her and your step-dad doesn't change what they are. If your step-dad and mom are comfortable with Sean that's great - but who does it hurt to let her be called grandma if she prefers it. In the end it doesn't change anything - whether they call her grandma or not if she fills the role she will be their grandma.
@jonesy123 (3948)
• United States
22 May 08
She is the step-grandma. I hate to bring this up, but there seem to be more issues here than just her calling herself the kids' grandma. I sense quite some resentment you have for her. For your father's sake who seems to have found some happiness albeit it's not your mother he is happy with, grit your teeth, put on a smile, and just appreciate the extra spoiling your kids will get. You may not like her, you may never like her, but any talking it out with your dad or you telling her that she is not the grandma will cause friction and alienation. And the way the situation is, you will be the odd one out. Is that what you really want?
@jonesy123 (3948)
• United States
22 May 08
In that case, just let it slide and appreciate the extra hand and spoiling she has to offer. Be happy that she loves you and your children. If you need to let your kids call her grandma ... (whatever her first name is) for differenciation purposes. It's just not worth it. She is family now.
