Relationship dilemma.
By MPFountain
@MPFountain (33)
United States
May 22, 2008 10:33am CST
I was living with my boyfriend in an apartment since March of '07. We decided not to renew the lease this past March, we put in our notice in January and began looking for rental homes. Due to many unforeseen circumstances, we couldn't find a house by the move out date. My boyfriend's sister let us stay with her for a little bit until we found a place. At the time it was her, her 5 year old son and her boyfriend in a 2 bedroom trailer and they were both working. We had only planned on being there a couple weeks and then going to stay with my mom a couple weeks, as to not overstay our welcome anywhere. So we're there almost 2 weeks and she quits her job. Of course, I have no problem sticking around to help her out, neither did my boyfriend (of course, because it's his sister and she's done a lot for us in the past.) It's been almost 2 months and she is still unemployed. We haven't even seen her look for anything. She's gotten incredibly lazy. Her boyfriend works 2nd shift, when he gets home from work, she'll start barking orders at him to do this or that. All I ever see her do is sleep and play games online. Most days she doesn't even wake up to take her son to school.She makes her 2nd shift working boyfriend wake up at 7:30 in the morning to take him. And if he doesn't do it, her son doesn't go to school because she won't wake up. But she isn't really my problem, it just bothers me how long she's gone and not even look for a job, my boyfriend and I have paid for so much. It's to the point now where we're even broke all the time because we pay her bills and buy all the groceries and her cigarettes. I couldn't even pay MY car payment last month because we were broke because of her. But anywho, my main problem is her son. I have never really liked/wanted children, but over the past year or so I've slowly changed my mind. A friend had a baby and it made me kinda want one, then spending a few hours every couple of days with my boyfriend's sister's son kinda made me want one. But now that I've spent everyday with him for the past almost 2 months, it's driving me insane and making me hate kids. I badly need to get out of that house. The entire 2 months, I've been looking for a house. I don't like staying with people. Especially after I've been on my own for the past 3 years. Plus the crazy stress from being couped up like we are PLUS the child PLUS the whole "not even looking for a job" thing. So anyway, I finally a house that was everything we were looking for. Not a crapshack, not in the ghetto, in the area we wanted AND in the price range we were looking for. So I told my boyfriend about it and tried to start the efforts in renting it because I knew it would go fast. (And it did) But he got mad at me, saying that he was NOT going to leave his sister when has no job and has a kid. It was not my intention to "leave her" ...I would still try to help her as much as possible. But helping her until she gets a job should not mean putting our entire life on hold. Not paying OUR bills because we're paying hers. It means after everything of ours is taken care of, then what's left goes towards her. He says he's fed up with the whole situation too, but he will keep doing it because she has a kid. I've gotten to the point where I don't even care about her son anymore. He annoys the everloving crap out of me. I'm at my highest stress level ever. She has a boyfriend who works, why shouldn't he support her and her son..not us.
But to get to my actual dilemma...does it make me a bad person to get to the point that I don't care what happens to 5 year old?!
AND
My boyfriend isn't willing to leave (when I think if we do, it would give her a little more motivation to start looking...since the well-being of her son isn't enough) and I desperately need to get out...should I just leave and give him the option to leave with me or stay, and come live with me again when she gets a job? Or just tough it out even longer? I would leave in a heartbeat...it's just that my boyfriend works 2nd and I work 1st...if I left, we would never see each other besides weekends. I need some serious advice. I don't know what to do.
1 person likes this
5 responses
@jonesy123 (3948)
• United States
22 May 08
Unless something drastic is done your boyfriend's sister won't change. She has somebody paying the bills, cleaning the place and watching the child. The fact that she quit her job without having lined up another one should have clued everybody in that she has no intention whatsoever to look for one. She saw a freeloading opportunity and she grabbed it with both hands. Think about it. Before they had two working adults probably barely making ends meet. When you moved in with your boyfriend, there were four working adults there, essentially double the income and money to burn. Even when she quit her job, there should have been enough money left over to pay all the bills, put food on the table, and then save some. So where does the money go now? Supporting her and her habits. And you and your boyfriend are the enablers of the situation. Nothing will change until you stop supporting her.
Unfortunately, there is a little child involved. But it looks like it would be to his advantage to be taken out of that situation, too. I'm amazed that the school has not yet gotten involved due to the irregular and probably badly excused attendance. Even with you there, it would not surprise me, if DCSF would come and check into the situation.
If your boyfriend truely loves his sister and his nephew, he needs to stop enabling this behavior. He is not helping but instead making the situation worse. It will not end until he stops the moneyflow. You guys have to pay your own bills first. Especially you should not go without making YOUR payments like car payments.
I'm sad to say this but it looks like your boyfriend is putting his love for his sister and nephew first, your needs second. As he has not listened to your reasoning, including the financial burden you personally have endured by now, it is time to reconsider your own personal situation and your relationship with him. Yes, you love him, but as the situation is, you are stuck living the way you are right now. It will not change. Do you still want to be there five years from now, ten years from now? Do you want him to put his family's needs first and yours second, even if it financially breaks you? Does he really love you as much as you think he does? This is a difficult step for you to take but unless you want to continue to live like that for the next couple of years hoping that your boyfriend will eventually see his sister for what she really is, a lazy freeloader, you have to set him an ultimatum. He has to move on with you or live with his sister without you. If he choses his sister, you know where YOU stand with him. I greatly advice you to move on, or you, too, will be dragged down, end up deeply in debt, just struggling to get along, and that for the rest of your life. Do what you originally planned to do, move in with your mom for while and keep looking for your own place. Invite your boyfriend to come along or to come later. Once you are gone, stop paying money to your boyfriend's sister or to anything that may enable her to stay home indefinitely, because believe me that's her intention. With only two incomes to support them, your boyfriend may more quickly see how deep his sister has sunk and hopefully finally see the light. Otherwise, and I know this will be hard, say good riddence.
In love sometimes you have to make difficult choices in order to save yourself or to save the one you love.
Keep us updated.
2 people like this
@MPFountain (33)
• United States
22 May 08
Also, I forgot to mention in the original post, another thing I feel that she's using us for. They have a cousin who is getting married this summer, June or July, I believe. In another state. My boyfriend and her boyfriend both can't go because they can't get off work, so she asked if I would go without my boyfriend. I don't want to...and at first I didn't think anything of her question. But then it dawned on me. How is she going to pay for the trip? And the hotel? And the gas? Was that why she asked me go just with her? And I think it is. Because I doubt she'll get a job before the wedding, since you wouldn't really want to ask off for a job you just started. And if that is the case, I am definitely leaving. I can't stay there and wait that long.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
22 May 08
I think you need to do what's best for you. I agree with you that she will be more motivated to find a job after you leave. She has the best going for her right now. She can sleep and goof off all day while her bills still get paid, who wouldn't want to keep doing that?
I think your boyfriend just feels a bit guilty about leaving her like this, it is his sister after all.
I think you should leave, find whatever you can, or even stay with another person for a bit until something you can afford comes along. If your boyfriend decides to come too, great. If not, give him time and he will.
I also don't think you should feel bad about the child. It's her child, not yours. She needs to be responsible for him, not you. And don't let other people's children persuade your decision for children of your own. Your kids will act differently than other people's, and you'll love it more because it's your own. You won't even understand until you actually have your first child how much your world will change, sometimes for the worst, but you won't even mind.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
22 May 08
You know what, I think I'd dislike that child too!
I firmly believe that children's behavior is completely based on how they're raised. This child has obviously gotten it through his head that if he cries he will get his own way, and obviously his parents will give in when he begins to cry.
My children aren't like this at all. My daughter is a bit sensative and has her cry baby moments, but I don't put up with it for a minute. When she begins to cry over something small I tell her to take a time out in her room until she composes herself and she can return to her activities when she's done.
I don't see much wrong with being a meanie mom. Mom's are supposed to be firm, but soft at the same time, depending on what the situation calls for. I can be very mean sometimes if I need to be, but I know in the end my children will thank me.
1 person likes this
@MPFountain (33)
• United States
22 May 08
Thanks, I think it's finally time to do what is best for ME. I have always bit my tongue and just let things go...but this is really bothering me. And I think it's been so stressful to me that it's affecting my health. I have headaches more now, and they don't even start until I get off work. When I do eventually make my way to her house after work, I'm so tired of everything I end up just napping until my boyfriend gets home at 11pm.
And thank you for the advice about the child. After spending every day with him, I have told myself and my boyfriend that our child is not going to be like that. He is the biggest brat, the biggest crybaby, if you joke with him at all he'll start crying, if you say he can't have something he cries, tell him to take a bath, go to bed, eat his dinner, stop playing with things that could hurt him, you tell him anything at all really and he'll start crying. I can't stand it. I know now I'm gonna be a meanie for a mom. :) And he's so wasteful! I've completely stopped buying him fast food, which he shouldn't be eating anyway...but if we go out to eat, he'll get something, take 2 bites from it and that's it...then you tell him to eat just a little more and he'll start crying. Ughh. But seriously. I definitely need to get out. While I'm still somewhat sane.
1 person likes this
@aowaow (1516)
• Indonesia
23 May 08
Personally, I won't blame your boyfriend. It's natural, he's showing a devotion to his family. It's a good one. But I'm not suggesting you to act as if we are the one who doesn't appreciate for what other had given us. But the situation is different now. If talking about fairness, this had gone too far from it. She, as well has her husband, must consider about the situation.
Have you talked this with her? Or ask your boyfriend to dig the root of her problem?
If you still want to leave with them, you'll always become a martyr to that family. You'll be spliced by their complicated dilemma of the family. Look at her, even though she can't find another job, this is still understandable for us, because nowadays is hard to find a good one -or maybe the chance has not come yet. But her kid, that must be her responsibility while she's at home. Who dare to object me about this argument?
It seems she doesn't care anymore about her family, personally I think she has a problem with her husband. Something fishy, that makes her complain too much over him. As you can see, she poured the nagging by neglecting -even- her own kid's and its schedule to school. She must respect at least that her husband has work hard to feed their 3-people at home. But she didn't, you'd mentioned she 'barked' on him. That's why I think there is something bothering their relationship.
So, I suggest you to find a reliable clue before leaving the house. When you had it, suppose it's favoring you, I assure your boyfriend would be on your side. But if you don't, and push it out alone, you'll leave a big scratch in your relationship with your boyfriend. Even though he follows you, your relationship would have many leaks and may always lid flames in your relationship. That because he feels right too, he's in a devotion to his family, and it's unarguable.
But it's different if you think to leave him, you may start to leave right now.
I also suggest you act quick and swiftly before everything gets sour. Because lately, in my prediction, your relationship would not last long when your emotional and patience are at the peak. Your emotional will confront him automatically and unrecognized by you. Remember, quick but with a plan, do not harshly. Give out the clue when all position is set and reliable.
Good luck, my dear friend. I hope you can do your best in finding the solution.
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
22 May 08
I would find a place for yourself and move out. Tell the boyfriend he is welcome to come with you. If he's overly concerned about the kid, maybe you could take the kid with you. It's a rough situation and you'll have a tough time making a decision but the longer you put up with it the more resentful you will become.
1 person likes this
@MPFountain (33)
• United States
22 May 08
Thank you. I agree, I'm definitely becoming resentful about the whole situation. I have to bite my tongue about everything. There is an anger problem in that family. I can't say anything to her because of it, and and I don't feel like I can say much to my boyfriend about it because it is his sister. I always have to kinda feel him out about it and only chime in when he starts complaining about her. But I am, and have been, still looking for a house to rent, and the second another one comes along like the one I mentioned, I am snagging it up. He can come if he wants, if not, he can stay with her until she gets a job. I just feel that if we stay and "help" out until she gets one, we'll end up being there forever.
1 person likes this
@athinapie (1150)
• Philippines
23 May 08
Hi there! I agree with vera5d. You should move out, find a place of your own and just start new. It is better this way than all the constant fighting you'll be having if you won't do anything about it. Prevention is better than cure.
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@spalladino (17891)
• United States
22 May 08
Your boyfriend's sister has a man who is providing for her so it's not like you're leaving her without a dime and no food. She is taking advantage of both you and her own brother and it's sad that he's too blind to see that. Why should she look for a job? She has three people supporting her lazy butt. If you can find someplace to go, you should go and let your boyfriend wise up on his own...hopefully before his sister destroys your relationship completely.
