Mothers and Daughters
By JudithP
@JudithP (295)
Canada
May 24, 2008 10:37pm CST
My daughter and I have always been very close. We did everthing together. I always thought of her as my best friend. We shared our hopes and dreams and also our disappointments and heartaches. We were pretty much connected at the hip. Over the last couple of years things have changed and I'm not sure why and I'm feeling a bit hurt.
She gets upset with me a lot lately and won't speak with me at all except for yes and no answers. I've tried to talk to her about it but when I ask her what is wrong, it's always nothing.
I'm getting older and I have aches and pains I didn't have before. Some days are better than others but I just don't move as well as I used to. I try to accomadate her when I can. When I can't, she tells me I'm just being lazy or I'm not working hard enough. It just seems like I can't make her understand that I'm not as young as I once was.
I was always the parent that let them have all there friends over. I was the parent that would prefer to go out and have a water fight rather than do the laundry. I found time to chaperone dances so they could have a dance. I was always there for her. About 2 months ago she and her husband split up and she fell into my arms crying. I took her into my home with the grandchildren and even then things were strained. When she found her own place, she went back to barely speaking to me.
I'm only 54 but arthritise is setting in and I can't stop it. I also can't stop getting older. I know I'm not imagining it because my husband is getting quite angry about it. He doesn't like the way she speaks to me but for the life of me I can't figure out why. Can she be angry with me just because I'm getting older? It just doesn't make any sense and I'm not sure what to say to her. Has anyone else gone through this with older children?
3 people like this
5 responses
@lawgirl20486 (9)
• Australia
25 May 08
Judith i can relate to your discussion. I only have a 15mth old but i was a teenager once and im 22 now.
Basically what i have read is that you gave her and spoilt her alot. I think alot of it has do do with the split from her husband and the stress her children might be giving her.
However one thing my mother has told me is that not to spoil my child to the extreme both my daughter and i are at the hip and some days i wish i had me time. But others its good to feel the love. I love my daughter so much dont get me wrong but somedays i wish i were by myself.
Back to your discussion i think that it mostly relates back to when she was a child. Think back and ask you self questions like did i spoil her to much, did i give her too much or not enough freedom, did you argue infront of your child with husband or friends etc, and the biggest question i hate to say is did i treat her like a daughter or a best friend? this part i understnad alot because i think of my daughter as a best friend she is my life so i understand how you feel.
My sister on the other hand gives those yes no answers and they can be very annoying.
it could also be rebellion.
Keep your chin up
kylie
@JudithP (295)
• Canada
25 May 08
Now you have given me something to think about. I didn't really spoil her but I did treat her as my best friend. I think maybe because I've slowed down she is finally forced to see me as a parent. She now knows I have limitations and I won't always be here for here. I'm still not going to let her speak disrespectfully but I may have to give her more time to come to grips with the fact that I'm human.
2 people like this
@cjgrooms (4456)
• United States
25 May 08
Have you ask her what the problem is? My daughter and i are very good friends and she calls me on the phone almost everyday (she lives in another town). If her behavior changed i would definiatly be asking for an explanation. Could it be that she is resentful because she fells that you are no longer putting her first? Although as an adult she should relize that your health can and will at times dictate your actions.
@JudithP (295)
• Canada
25 May 08
I have asked her many times what is wrong and I always get the same answer, nothing. She used to call or drop over at least once a day. We only live a couple of miles apart. I sometimes feel she resents the fact that I'm getting old. I think our children think we are invinceable and when they see us getting older they finally realize that we're just ordinary humans like everyone else.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
25 May 08
Judith I dont think she is angry with you because
you are getting older. why should she, as we all'grow
'older. no shes probably really in an emotional'
state right now over the split with her husband.
And coming home now maybe she feels that she has
let you two down by this split and is all confused
and upset inside over it.Of course your husband loves
you and hates to see her hurt you. I think you need
to sit her down and have a long but tactful and'
heartfelt talk. Ask her what is really troubling her
and I think she will probably fall apart then tell
'you why she has been like that with you. tell her
you cannot stop the aging process but she is your child
and will always be your child.
2 people like this
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
25 May 08
You don't say how old your daughter is but I have a friend who's 31 year old daughter suddenly started treating her like she was an idiot about a year ago. She's at a loss to explain it but, from what I can see, her daughter is unhappy. She left a long term relationship at about the same time, has her own place and seems very hard now. Maybe your daughter is depressed or angry at her current situation and is taking it out on you or maybe this personality change is something that happens to women who find themselves alone at a certain age. One thing I can tell you is that you shouldn't allow your daughter to be disrespectful towards you no matter how close the two of you used to be. You are still her mother and you still deserve to be treated with respect. If she makes it necessary for you to remind her of that, do it.
@JudithP (295)
• Canada
25 May 08
My daughter is 35 now. I don't think the situation with her marriage is the problem. It only happened 2 months ago and the bad attitude started about 2-1/2 years ago. It's like suddenly she doesn't need anyone or need any help. I do agree with you though. I've taken her bad mouth for long enough, especially in my own home. It will not happen anymore or she will be told. Thank you for the advice.
1 person likes this
@azizanightshade (41)
• United States
26 May 08
like LawGirl said, i think it has something to do with the best friend and mother situation. I grew up that way with my mother, for most of my life (she was a single mother). i hate to say it, but my mom and i fought like cats and dogs because she wouldn't let me go do what i needed to so i could have my own life. a good example is when i wanted to quit ballet after 11 years. we fought, and answers were reduced to yes and no to prevent another round of fighting.
that's my little story, and i know that it's not exactly valid for your situation. but she may be having a hard time seeing you as a parent since she's seen you as her BFF.
in any case, your decision to not let her treat you badly is good. you wouldn't let a freind treat you like poo, why should your daughter? maybe after you "lay down the law" so to speak, she'll start behaving better. if not, give it some time.
is there maybe a medical reason for her to be acting so different? is there some lingering post pardum depression, or depression in general? maybe if you keep asking and being persistent she'll open up.
2 people like this
@JudithP (295)
• Canada
26 May 08
Both you and Hatley have given me even more to think about. Maybe she is having a hard time to seperate these two aspects of our lives. I'll continue to give her the space she needs right now but I'll never stop asking. Someday she may even tell me. I may not like the answer but at least it will be out in the open and we can work at it.
1 person likes this
