I need some advice from my friends.......................................
@Linda4ualways (2282)
United States
May 27, 2008 2:39pm CST
My man John was supposed to be moving in with me right, however, I don't believe it's ever going to happen. You see, him and I have been through a lot and a lot of it stems from my side of the family.......not me but what's the difference. Anyway, we had a conversation the other day and by his actions, I knew that he was prolonging the moving in part. So I said to him during the conversation that I do not believe he is moving in and he preceded to tell me about his fears with moving in. He is in fear of what my brother might do because my borther pulled a gun out on him a few years back and he is known to be kinda crazy. He is in fear of my son who has a habit of going to his uncle when things don't go his way, and if my son goes to his uncle, he fears what my brother might do. He is letting the might's scare him I believe.
I am tired of the mixed signals and the back and forth. One minute he is telling me where this is going to go and that is going to go, next thing, I am not hearing from him that often and he let's me know that he fears moving in. I told him that I wasn't going to cry or anything and just to be honest with me. I suggested that he maybe find a room to live in and he said that he was thinking about it but that he would like to bring his things to my place. What do you think about that? Should I let him bring his stuff to my place while he lives elsewhere? Please help!
1 person likes this
10 responses
@ellie333 (21016)
•
27 May 08
Where is he living at this moment in time? Why would he have to leave his stuff at yours and live somwhere else. His fears of your brother could be just an excuse. He is either committed or he isn't. For me it would be all or nothing not things at my place (convenient storage) and living elsewhere. Not knowing the whole situation as an outsider looking in I would say he wants his cake and eat it without having the responsibility of a proper live in relationship and you want more but like I said I don't know all the details and relationships are very comlicated at the best of times eh! What is your gut feeling telling you, your womens intuition that is what you should be listening too really for the answer. Good luck with this one. Ellie :D
2 people like this
@Linda4ualways (2282)
• United States
28 May 08
You know what ellie, it's as if you were reading my mind. I said the same thing about having convenient storage. If you don't want to live there because of your fear of what might happen to you, then why have your stuff there? Something could happpen to your things too. He says that he doesn't have extra money for storage. At the present time, he is living with his mom and siblings at their family home but the brother (who owns the house) has sold it and they must move out. I just feel as if I would be used in some type of way and I don't want that.
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@melissacody (88)
• United States
27 May 08
If you really truly want to have a serious relationship with this man, than you have to take his fears or worry's seriously.
Work with him on those and possibly talk to your family that this is your decision and its want you want for your life.
If I had listened to my father, I would have missed out on a great man and a beautiful child. When it comes down to it you've really got to think about whats best for you, and whats best for "your family". If you know that you want to move forward and create a family with this man then you've got to start working on that now.
This man needs to know that you are going to make it work and do what it takes, even if that means standing up to your family. He also needs to know that you are going to stick up for him against your family. Lay down the law with them and tell them to get used to it because its whats going to happen.. if thats what u truly want
2 people like this
@Linda4ualways (2282)
• United States
28 May 08
But see, that's just it. I have told him that I wouldn't allow my brother to do anything to him as long as I can control it, meaning, if he were to try to come to my house acting a fool I wouldn't allow it. I mean, John has a very good reason for not wanting to move in and I am not going to stress it.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
28 May 08
Is it not possible for you and your son to move in with him?
Why should he keep his things at your place if he is not going to come in?
The relationship is between you two and your son included. It may not be advisable for the relationship and bonding to thrive if there is too much of interference from others.
Does he get along with your son/Has he established a rapport with him? Now, there are so many issues in this.
If he is otherwise a good person whom you are very confident of, and is planning a long life with him then you must first understand each other without other people's interference.
As such it would be difficult. With the threat of so much of 'if's and ' might's you naturally tend to doubt the case. Your friend does not want the outside [in his eyes-your mother/uncle etc.are this 'outside'.,about your son-I do not know.] in your inside world but is afraid of voicing his thoughts and is hesitant to break the relationship on account of this. He wants you minus all this .If it has been a marriage then I would have said that it is the spouse that takes first priority and keep the others out. But, I am unable to assess this situation because if it leads to marriage it is okay. Otherwise, you cannot antagonize all your people for a temporary friendship/relationship.
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
29 May 08
Your question is absolutely justified.His intention to dump his things in your place but without moving in would create doubt in any person. You ask the question straight and may be from the signalas he inadvertently makes you would be able to find his motives and the genuineness of his feelings for you.
Discreetly finding out is one thing but not every one is smart at this .
@Linda4ualways (2282)
• United States
28 May 08
Your right, he does want me without the interference of my family. I have 3 sons, ages 12, 13, and 18 on Saturday, and he has always gotten along with the two younger ones, it's my oldest son who at times, would give him a hard time, and he doesn't dislike my son, just the things he does. I live right next door to my family and it's really my brother, the one he had the problem with, that he is worried about and I understand his fears. My problem is, if you don't trust moving in with me, then why should you trust all of your belongings in my house?
@p3halliwel2005 (3156)
• Philippines
28 May 08
No I don't think you should let him stuff his things in your place. If he is going to live some place else then let him bring his things with him. If he loves you that much fear from your brother or your son won't hinder that feeling. He is not ready as I see. He should lose his fear and be brave if he loves you that much. Tell him that and let him think about it. If he is still scared tell him he is not ready for this kind of responsibility of you both living together and the relationship might just not work out if he keeps his fear. If he really is scared and you both love each other then assure him that he shouldn't fear anything because you will stand beside him..all he needs to do is to trust you on that.
1 person likes this
@nupats (3564)
• India
28 May 08
u must involve ur family...maybe u cud talk to ur bro and make them meet cordially at dinner and talk abt this like a normal family...that takes care of ur brothers angle...now he cannot use that as an excuse...he has to come out with the truth wether he wants to move in with u actually or is just fooling around and using u for his own reasons..take care b careful..
1 person likes this
@fluffnflowers (1594)
• United States
27 May 08
It doesn't sound like he's giving you mixed signals at all.
He doesn't want to deal with your family, but wants to be with you. I don't blame him, to be honest. If you want him to move in with you, you need to have a serious talk with your brother about staying out of your personal life and allowing you to make your own mistakes. If he can't do that, your boyfriend should consider getting a restraining order, if needed, in order to feel safe around you. You also need to discuss the situation with your son, and let him know that he needs to take up his concerns with you first.
It sounds like you need to get a handle on your family and stabilize the situation before making any moves toward other relationships.
@subha12 (18441)
• India
28 May 08
i can undrstand the situation from the point of view of both you and your BF. its not taht he is all wrong. he is scared from the actuions taken by some of your afmily members. may not be he is so brave. also you think he is finding it hard to believe you. talk and see how taht can be sorted out.
@snowy22315 (181942)
• United States
27 May 08
It's up to you what you allow him to do. I think I would ask him what does this mean with him storing stuff at your house but living elsewhere? What is his plan? Can you get a restraining order against your brother or are you unwilling to do that? Maybe your bf,son and you could get some family counseling. If your brother is out of control it might not be wise for John to move in now.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
27 May 08
i am sorry but if I were him I would be afraid too,
and I do not think that you should have to store his
stuff while he lives elsewhere. If you care about'this
man why not get onto your brother's case and your sons
'cases and tell them to lay off your John.why should he
put himself in jeopardy?
1 person likes this
