Most days
By jasmine0728
@jasmine0728 (677)
United States
June 3, 2008 11:26pm CST
I don't know if this is a good place for this or not.I just feel the need right now to tell someone,anyone how I am feeling right now.Of course describing how I feel is a difficult thing for me I have never been good at showing or dealing with my emotions most of the time I am just numb.
Today and most days I think to myself I am 41 and is life almost over.I am not one to go and end it myself it is too final and I would not want my daughter to blame herself.She is almost 17 and although a good kid in many ways I do have my difficulties with her.She is very oppositional and wants or says the opposite of anything I say.Most of the time I try not to let it bother me I know teenagers are supposed to be like this.However she has always been like this,if I am giving her a ride to school on a cold morning if I shiver and say damn it is cold out.She will insist that it isn't cold out,if I cook it for supper that will be the night she no longer likes that food,she is like this with everything.
She bothers me more when I am going through my own depression,then I just can't take it and want to scream at her can't you see I am not up to arguing with you at the moment.I have never truly been happy or at peace with myself.I have always been on the outside looking in on everyone else living their lives.Me I just survive,I do live I do not laugh much I don't do much of anything.I work with emotionally disturbed children,go figure this is the highlight of my life because I am good at it.The kids parents are always happy with the work I do with their children,and the kids always grow attached to me.My problem is I am always giving to others and I can never think of anything I want to do for myself,and even if I did I would somehow convince myself that I was not deserving of it.
I do go to counseling and it helps for the day that I go but the rest of the week is just another day I have to get up and go through the motions of pretending.
Does anyone understand what I am talking about I know I kind of hop around in what I am saying,just too much to say and not sure how to categorize it? Has anyone gotten so overwhelmed that they have lost track of time and not been sure what they did during that time? Not like multiple personality or anything,my counselor calls it disassociating.
Well I have typed enough for now,if this discussion catches on I will be adding to it.
Jas
2 people like this
4 responses
@anawar (2404)
• United States
4 Jun 08
Jas_ It's really late and I can't think this all through right now. Something told me to log onto mylot even at this late hour. I'm about to fall asleep and I came across your discussion.
If nothing else, let me tell you someone is here. You're not feeling sorry for yourself, you're in a crisis.
I know all about disassociation. It lessons the pain you experience. Because everything feels so wrong, it feels better to 'watch yourself' go through this time rather than actively live it.
The problems you are talking about are complex, but not impossible to overcome.
I'm falling asleep now, and I have to log off.
If you see this post, I'm out here and I care about you. I'll check back in the morning. Sending rays of light your way.
@jasmine0728 (677)
• United States
4 Jun 08
Thank you so much I truly appreciate your response.I look forward to hearing from you soon
Jas
@anawar (2404)
• United States
4 Jun 08
Do you think the problems with your daughter are a separate issue from your depression?
One feeds the other. When I had troubles with my son, I found one skill that helped me. I stopped reacting to the things he said. It felt like he was trying to provoke me, and when that cycle started, I stopped responding to his aggressive behaviour. He wasn't violent, but his words tore me up.
He took his anger out on me and my psychologist told me I needed to get him out of the house. I know you have nowhere to send your daughter and you have to find a way to deal with her.
Whichever is easier for you, distancing you from your daughter, or working on your depression, try to choose one at a time. Your daughter isn't going to listen to you, why don't you give up and be silent in her presence? I'm not talking about stopping communication, rather keep channels open and see if you can redirect her negativity.
I'll stop now, in case I'm going over to a place that won't help you. Do you want to talk about something else?
Does your therapist know about your daughter's antics?
I'll be on and off mylot today, you can always pm me. It's good to gather up comments my other mylotters and get more responses. My problems were resolved because so many mylotters left comments and I learned something new from every comment.
mylot is a supportive community. Everyone one will help you. Sending rays of light your way_
@wishingwells (7)
• Philippines
4 Jun 08
hey jas! i think we all have our frustrations.. maybe yours has something to do with the negative things you encounter at work.. you mentioned you work with emotionally disturbed children; perhaps the negative "aura" (or whatever you may call it) follows you from work to your home and makes you behave in a way that is undesirable to your daughter (like if you had a bad day at work, you'll end up being short-tempered with your daughter, etc). you may not notice your behavior because you're too caught up with your daughter's behavior/response. i'm not a psychologist, just someone who can relate to your situation somehow, and i got over it by just paying attention to how i interact with the people around me. i'm sure you're a good mom even though this is happening. i'm hoping things with your daughter will improve. good luck!
@jasmine0728 (677)
• United States
4 Jun 08
I have to agree that my job has a lot to do with it.I always tell my daughter to give me an hour to wind down but she doesn't get it like any teenager what is on her mind comes 1st.
Thanks for your response.
Jas
@biggerb (2024)
• India
4 Jun 08
I hope you are feeling alot better after you have poured out your feelings.You did the right thing by putting it up for discussion as there are so many of our fellow mylotters who have come up with very sound advice for you.I can understand how you feel about your daughter.I had my teenaged son giving me alot of trouble like you mentioned.That phase just passed.He is more mature now and since he is working he is away.Moving away will certainly help to cement the relationship.What a wonderful job you are doing.Working with emotionally disturbed children is no joke.I know how it is, as a friend of mine does the same thing.There is nothing wrong with you this is just a passing phase which will soon give way.God always sends rainbows after the rain.May you always have a rainbow of smiles on your face and in your heart forever and ever.Take care.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
4 Jun 08
jasmine you sound like you are close to burnout, what
you need to do is start loving yourself. I am Jasmine,
I like myself, I am unique, I love me and mean it. shout
it to the sky then act accordingly.. if you are good at'what
you do you must be pretty much mentally sound so believe'in
yourself. exp;ect to be happy, expect to have lots of good
things happen, tellyourself I deserve to be happy. laugh, its
a life savor, read anything comic you can get your hands on, and
quit feeling so sorry for yourself. you have a job you like'
and a teen aged daughter you love, count all your blessings.I am
eighty one and I am still postive.like yourself. jasmine is
a beautiful name and a beautiful flower and you are also
beautiful. love yourself so you can love that daughter of yours.
@jasmine0728 (677)
• United States
4 Jun 08
Thank you for your response,I will give your advice a try.
Jas
