Futuristic phone that responds to man's physiological desires

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I am indeed amazed by the usefulness of the mobile phone in my day-to-day life. However, there's is one improvement that I would like to challenge mobile phone makers to add to the gadget to make it completely reliable for all my needs. I would like a phone through which I can sms my pee and waste to the sewer system. Each one of you must have experienced this, you are enjoying a drink or movie or whatever activity you love. Then the urge for a short or long call comes. You either have to ask your buddies to wait for you to come back, or pause the movie to your pals' inconvenience or you simply have to miss out for the while it will take you answer the call of nature. Quite an inconvenience. My ideal phone would solve all this: simply key in the required act and text and voila! the pee is gone! without wetting or soiling you in any way! Also, you are on some desert island where the only semblance to civilization is presence to a mobile phone network. You are hungry and thirsty. You simply call your friend in town and he sends you food by sms! Any one who can come up with this gadget that is sensitive to my physiological needs?