can I smile?

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I want to spend one day free,without books,without any person,only do the things I want with my favourate music,I can have enough sleep,I can sing to the sky,I can make myself as relax as I want. but now I can't,I must read my books day by day in order to realize my dream.I must control my soul. although I can't be sure whether my dream can come true... I feel I'm older than before. I want to laugh,but I feel my face so benumbed...