Dear Abby I Have A Question...

I think I would ask her why she comes home every weekend? What's the point of renting a place to live if you don't live in it all the time (other than vacations, of course). The rule of my house is that if you are in my house, you will abide the rules. This is how I got my adult children to spread their wings and fly, they couldn't stand being under the same rules that they had as "children" LOL

I think that, if you are under someone's roof, you should not be coming in and out as you please. For instance, in my house, my dogs would bark and wake the entire house if I came in at 2.00. If the 20 year old is going to be out that late, she should find somewhere else to stay for the night. The 20 year old seems just a little bit obsessed with the fact that she is living independently. I can understand staying out a little late, but she cannot treat the family home like a hotel and come and go as she pleases at all hours of the night, it is just a bit disrespectful to her parents.

I have 2 young adults living with me. I am their grandmother and we share the expenses of the house. One is a 21 yearld girl and she is usually home by around 11:30 or at least by midnight. If she is going to be later she calls to let me know. Most week ends she spends with a friend. My grandson will be 20 this Dec and he will call if he is going to go somewhere after work. he works evening and gets off after 11:00. I don't tell them what to do but I do expect them to let me know because someone needs to know where they are especially these days. So I agree with The Mom and Abby on this one. being 20 doesn't necessarily make a person an adult except in age not in maturity. Most parents that I know will treat thier kids as adults when they act like one

My daughter who is 18 moved away recently. She is not in college but she is on her own with her boyfriend and in another state. I would not have a curfew for her if she came home to visit. I would expect her to phone or text me to let me know whether to expect her home or not for dinner, and she would need to have a key so she could get in the house. To me it doesn't matter when she comes and goes as long as she does not disturb us if we are sleeping or make a mess and leave it. Since she's not in state, we'd know way in advance if she was going to be visiting. I totally disagree with the mother about her having an issue about the daughter spending the night with her boyfriend. In fact, if I was the daughter (and believe me, I have been here) and there was some 'rule' like that, I guess I just would not be coming home to visit. I would visit, ie during daylight hours but I would be staying with my boyfriend and I wouldn't care if they knew and disapproved. It isn't their business if I'm over 18, parents or not. I do agree with the checking in part because that's only reasonable if you're visiting somebody and not with them at the time. Like I said in the other paragraph, it's nice to know whether to expect someone for dinner or not so you prepare enough food. If you're planning an outing, it's nice to know if they will be joining you so you drive the correct vehicle with enough seats or bring enough money if there are costs involved. My daughter does not text or call every day. She did text every day for about a week but she's understandably busy. I would not expect her to call every day unless she wanted to. I don't call my mom every day lol.

My children are all very small, so I don't have this problem yet, and perhaps by the time I do my views will change. I understand where the mom is coming from. Because when my husband comes in very late I lie in bed wide awake listening for him to come in. It's not so much that I'm worried about him or what he's doing, it's just if I expect him home at a certain time then I want to be sure he gets in at that time so I know not to worry. But at the same time, if the daughter is trusted to do as she pleases while away from the parents home, she should be allowed the freedom while at home. I can understand if there are house rules about not coming in during the night while others are sleeping, because that could be disturbing, but I see nothing wrong with her spending the night out and coming home in the morning. I don't think the mom should try to control a 20 year old, but some house rules should be expected to be followed.

Sorry but my vote goes with Dear Abby. I have 2 grown daughters and when they are sleeping under my roof and doesn't show up when she should so that i can go to sleep and not worry all night, there will be hell to pay when she does show up ( unless she has 10 broken fingers there is no reason that she couldn't have picked up a phone so i wouldn't worry all night). Even if she does live away from home at school she should show consideration when she is at home.

i do not think that when under anybody's roof, the person can do what she wants. atleast parents will worry. so atleast some respect should be there. why do somthing taht really hurts the parents? Also it varies from the parents outlook.

I honestly don't think that the daughter should stay out late without the parents knowing where she will be and who she will be with. I believe she needs to phone if she is intending to be late or not be home just so they know she is safe.

Hi irishmist, A 20 year old is an adult, but she is still my child and I would love for her to visit on weekends if it's possible. If she wants to stay with her boyfriend for the night, or stay out late that's fine as long as I know where she is. If she says that she will be home by twelve and is running late or if plans change, call and let me know. That would be all that I'd ask of an adult child. Blessings.

Irishmist, Thought I would weigh in on this one. Here it goes: Parents need to let grown kids know, "We know you are grown up and on your own now but we will still have a few rules when you come to visit and here is what they are." This way, everyone knows in advance what is expected. There has been clear communication between parents and the grown kid. If the grown kid does not like the rules, she can say, "I don't like this rule, can we do it this way instead?" They can then negotiate and arrive at (hopefully) a mutually acceptable compromise. However, parents may not wish to negotiate and that is their prerogative. Just as it is the grown kid's prerogative not to stay at her parents' home if she dislikes the rules. Going ahead and staying there and then being disrespectful of the rules doesn't seem to be a very "grown-up" way to behave. Expecting grown kids to follow the house rules is not being controlling or treating the grown kid like a child, it is keeping the atmosphere in the home comfortable in a way the homeowners prefer. Now, of course, there will no doubt be situations where some parents have truly been controlling of their kid all along. If that is the case, I don't imagine the grown kid will choose to stay in the parents' home when she returns for a weekend visit. But certainly, she shouldn't expect them to suddenly no longer be controlling, if that is how they have always been. The bottom line here is that we need to respect the rules of ANYONE's home that we visit. So, why wouldn't a college kid respect the rules in her parents' home during a weekend stay? In case I haven't plainly stated it, communication is the key to a situation like this. And it should occur in advance of the visits and periodically at the time of the visits to assure that everyone understands each other. If both parties want to, they can negotiate any changes in the "rules" to meet the needs of both parties. You presented an interesting discussion, irishmist, and I thank you. PearlGrace

I have a 19 year old daughter who lives with me she has a key to my house, she is a licensed beautician, she has a full time job, a car that is paid off and her own cell phone. She is very responsible I completely trust her to come and go as she pleases she pays me rent and helps out with the housework on her days off even I don't ask her to help me clean. I treat her like an adult who is living here she calls me and lets me know where she is and if she will be away for the night or if she might be in late. She just lets me know so I won't worry but I never ask her to tell me where she is going or what she is doing. I have told her in the past that I worry about her an her older brother and I always will because I'm the mom and that's my job. She didn't know that I worried about her because it kinda took her by surprise and ever since then she has been calling to tell me what she has planned for the night. It's just a matter of treating them like adults because thats what they want to be seen as and as long as they are responsible then you should treat them that way, when you treat them with respect and trust they will show it in return. ~~Amberina~~

I don't know what to think. I am a worry wart by nature and my daughter is only 15 right now. I can not imagine her being home and staying out all night and me being okay with it while she is home. I think the daughter should at least call mom at decent hour and let her know she will be staying over at a friends house verses not calling or coming home. Granted when she is away at college she is living on her own but when she comes home we are more aware of their comings and goings which causes us to worry more. I think while at home she should at least call to ease her mothers mind.

I myself think this is a double bladed sword, I believe the mothers expectations are for her to come home every weekend. I believe the mom does not approve of her being at the boyfriends house for sleepovers. I do believe while in her house she should follow her rules but lets face it. The curfew is 2am she is already up most of the night waiting for her. Why is she worried she has said she is spending the night with her boyfriend. I believe that mom just wants to be in control. There is something not being told here. This is how I read the article. Myself being a parent of 5, My children will respect me no matter what but if my ADULT daughter said I will not be coming home tonight I am staying at Joe's house I will respect her as a young woman. Take Care!

hi

I'm going to have to agree with the mother on this one. If the daughter really loves and respects her parents she should abide by their rules. My daughter is 21, is in college and still lives at home, but if she ever gets out on her own I still expect her to abide by any rules that we have in our home. To me that is just showing respect and still acting like the adult that she is. Thanks for listening!

I kind of think that if she wants to do whatever she wants that the daughter should just make plans to stay elsewhere. It's inconsiderate to "come home" for the weekend and then not stay there. Her mother has every right to have certain expectations in her own home, but the daughter is old enough to make her own decisions, too. They need to sit down and re-define their relationship now that she's more independant, and find a compromise situation that each can live with.

I agree that she should not be treated as a child.she is twenty years old but she should show a little respect for 'her mom by checking in by phone if she is late. Other than that she is now an adult so let her be.

I agree with you. We had our chance with our kids when they were little to teach them right and wrong and how to take care of themselves. And, I still tell them to remember who they are. Now we have to let them go their own way and hopefully they will make us proud.

Here in the philippines, even if you are already living on your own, when you step inside your parents house, you should abide their rules. It's one way of showing respect to your parents. Not because you're already on your own, you don't respect your parents and you dont abide by their rules. I believe that respect is one of the most important things in life. Remember that without them, you're not here.. So, show some respect. It won't hurt you a bit.

i deffinately agree with you on this one.... the mom is setting a double standard but the daughter is also not being respectfull