One to get your teeth into, air your views!
By gemini_rose
@gemini_rose (16264)
June 18, 2008 5:02pm CST
OK when I post a discussion, they are usually long just for a change this one may be longer!
Those of you who know me, Hello, you will know that I have a 16 year old son who is at "that age", yep we have all been there at some point or other. Some of us worse than others, I was worse than others and so it appears is my son.
OK so he has been working since December, only a Saturday job, waiting on and working for my Mum in her lovely little tearoom. But it is a job and he does get a few extra days when they are available. He has in fact worked a lot of extra days and so has been earning quite a good wedge, most months has seen him walk off with about £400 GBP ($800Apprx) in his pocket, more money than I get put it that way.
Out of this money, he pays NO rent,NO food, in fact all he has to pay out is his scooter insurance, which is £25.00 (approx $50) yet since he started in December I have been paying this for him and giving him the odd few quid here there and everywhere. WHY? because he has been spending the whole of his wage, on what I know not. Now, his bike gained a few problems, mainly his exhaust fell off and he had to have it fixed and a few more things done to it too. Now, this work would have cost him £100 GBP which is a lot of money and it would have left my son with no money because he had just been spending every penny that he had in his hands. So hubby and I decided to pay the £100 for him, now we cannot really afford too, but we said we would on the understanding that he started to take care of his money and learn how to budget with my help and start to save some.
So problem solved or so I thought, I told him that each month we would go through his money, work out what he needed to spend and then what he could have to spend and then what he could save. I told him that he needed to save if we were to go abroad next year and as he will be 17. If he wanted to come then he had to contribute a bit as he is now classed as an adult. So he gave me some money to keep for him and then he had his bike insurance and a bit more in the bank to get him through to his next pay day which is on 20th of month.
So this morning I came in from shopping and after a while he pulls a letter out of the bin that he had from his bank, yes he threw a letter in the bin with all his bank account numbers on and everything! The letter was telling him that he had two direct debits set up on his account that could not be honoured due to lack of funds and so they were charging him for them. So because it had happenend twice he has been charged twice, a total of £72.00, which of course he does not have. But it will come out of his next wage, now his next wage is going to be low because we went on holiday and so he is going to be really short. I asked him why the money was not in the account when I had made sure that he had enough to cover the things that he had needed,and he said he had spent it by accident. OK DEEP BREATH AND KEEP CALM.
So, I have already decided what I am going to do, but out of interest I want to hear your views on this.
I want you to imagine that this is your son, what would you do now?
Would you bail him out yet again? Knowing that he had got himself in this mess through carelessness?
Would you go short by £172.00 for the month to make his life more easier or would you teach him a lesson and let him learn by his mistakes?
3 people like this
14 responses
@fwidman (11514)
• United States
18 Jun 08
I'm afraid that I would let him "sink". He has to learn responsibility sometime and now is most likely better than later.
Most young people seem to think Mom or Dad can always bail them out, and they don't always care if they overspend. Whatever will he do as an adult? Will he call you to bail him out again?
Yes, it is harsh not to bail him out, but it will do him a great deal of good in the long run :)
@ellie333 (21016)
•
18 Jun 08
Hi Gemini_rose, Right the first thing I would do is to take his cash card from him until he can be more responsible, then I would telpphone the bank on his behalf but with him there to see if I can get the charges reimbursed, they will do this if you go on to them enough and especially as he is of such a young age etc and if you have no joy ask for the Ombusmans address, that will work, if they offer to remimbuurse one of the charges insist on two, don't give in. That will deal with the £72.00. As he works for family I would have them take the insurance money any any other he needs to pay direct from his wages and then give to you until he proves with what is left that he can be responsible. I would make him also pay off the £100 for his bike and go short, we all have too so why not him. I would also make him start contributing at least 20% of what he earns to the household, my daughters always have done voluntary so why not him. Tough love here is needed I think. Good luck, expect a bit of door slamming. He is not to old to be grounded either if he strops too much, at least he won't go out and fritter away the little he has. I here my own parents talking here, but whilst under my roof abide by my rules or get out, have respect. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@proudmammabear (556)
• Canada
19 Jun 08
I definately would not have the nsf charges reversed, I don't agree that, that is going to teach him to be responsible at all, he needs to know that yeah at first you spend the extra money, and those things bounce, but then you still have to pay for it, and more, because of that few minutes of extra cash you spent.
I have a rule in my home, as long as they are living here, and going to school and getting decent grades, they will live here rent and grocery free, even when they are in university, because to me education comes first. However all the incidentals they need, and money to go out with friends, pay for gas or bus passes they will have to get a part time job to buy.
Gem, I am wondering if there is anyway you could have the direct Debit set up to come out of his account at midnight the night of payday so he hasn't a chance to spend the money before it has to come out?
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
24 Jun 08
For a start, I would have been charging him rent when he first started working...50% of his wage, hoever much he earned. That would cover his food, utilities, clothes and rent which in this case would be his room, laundry, cooking and such. I would have insist he save 25% and the last 25% he could spend. He has an easy job with a family member and no real responsibility in spite of being in the workforce. He needs to learn the responsibility that goes with having money. I'd sit down with him and tell him he is on his own. I would help him figure out how to get himself out of his mess but he could not expect any handouts from here on in.
He seems to think he can do what he likes and you will bail him out....it simply doesn't work that way. Being a grown up is full of responsibility. There is no free lunch.
Good luck!
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
24 Jun 08
You are right there is no such thing as a free lunch, I don't know why as kids we are all in such a hurry to grow up, it is not that much fun!
@mummymo (23706)
•
19 Jun 08
I know this sounds really tough but it I would have to go for the teaching him by his mistakes! I know that quite a few of my friends wouldn't agree with me but if you keep bailing him out then not only are you putting a strain on your own finances but he will never learn to deal with money and will constantly let things get out of control! I am sorry that sounds really harsh but I just feel that when we keep digging our kids out of their mistakes they don't really learn from it! I hope whatever you decide to do that everything works out well!
Hugs xxxx
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
19 Jun 08
My thoughts exactly, and the reason I did not say my decisions was because I did not want anyone to think bad of me. I just do not see why I should struggle just to make his life easier when it is his fault.
It would also make him think that if he did it again then it would be OK cos Mum and Dad would bail him out.Thanx xx
1 person likes this
@proudmammabear (556)
• Canada
19 Jun 08
Greetings My Friend!
I believe that what I would do is let him go short, and learn young and early before he has a wife and little mouths to feed. I already told my eldest, that when he begins to work (here they have to be 14 yrs old, so this fall) He will get to have access to exactly half of each pay, with the other half going to an in bank access only high intrest savings account. ( lol I TOLD him it would be a NO access account!)From the other half of his pay he would have to take care of what needs taking care of, if he were to bounce something because he "accidentally" spent the money, then the next pay, when he put his money in the bank and he paid not only what should have been there in the first place, but the NSF fee's as well, he would have little to nothing left for leisure time. However I will give my eldest props here, he has always had a head for money, and he is a saver big time, no a spender, unless it is something he really really wants or needs. He has told me since he was like six "but mom, if I put this dollar away, then next time I get a dollar I will have 2 dollars...Very blessed I am with him. Though he is thirteen and a we bit snotty with the whole but it's my opinion so it can't be wrong thing!
1 person likes this
@tessah (6617)
• United States
19 Jun 08
quite honestly.. i wouldnt have bailed him out with the repairs to his scooter.. or been paying his insurance at all either, and i certainly wouldnt be bailing him out with this one. he will continue to be careless and spend all over the place if mommy and daddy continually pay what he needs to pay and allow him to be irresponsible. why should he do anything different when there is no need for him to?
@Johnnypenn (237)
• United States
19 Jun 08
Thumbs up to you tessa.
Sometimes you just have to draw the line and stick with it. He can either get with the program, or move out and learn the hard way.
@Fishmomma (11377)
• United States
20 Jun 08
Your son is 16 and in my state a minor. This is what I would do take him to the bank and discuss the situation with a bank official. In this state, rules are very different for minors than adults. My oldest did have money troubles at 16 and I had to pay them, but she did get a job to pay me back. We didn't have any more trouble with her as a teenager, but as an adult she borrowed money from my relatives and they are trying to get me to cover the bill.
I don't know the laws in other countries. One of the members posted about having the account be one that he can't take money out of it. My daughter couldn't take money out of her account without my signature.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
20 Jun 08
Over here it is all so complex, at 16 he is old enough to have and run a bank account, drive a scooter, leave school and work, yet too young for voting, drinking and lots of other things! I cannot control his account. But thanks for your advice I am working on it with him, hopefully we will get there!
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
19 Jun 08
I'm a Father who helped raise 4 boys. We always had farm work for the boys to do, and they got paid accordingly for the work they did. WE paid for the essentials that they needed, and anything else came out of their savings. If they needed anything more it was up to them to save up for it. The boys knew we had to save up for things and they learned to do the same. I can't ever remember have any money problems with any of the four boys. To answer your Question- Never bail your kid out of jail, or out of a financial crises. Kids do not learn anything from a situation like this (Except, what do I care! Mom will come up with the money!)
@jesus777 (662)
• Bermuda
19 Jun 08
he is old enough if he was my son i would let him take resposibility for his own actions you dont acidentally spend moneywith me i know were every dollars and every cent goes he needs to learn how too budget his money and not spend it frivilessly i would not bail him out i would make him pay for his own debt you raised him too this point let him take ownership for his own actions he works let him take care of his own money problems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
19 Jun 08
Yep, I too know where every penny goes. He is such a frustrating little pup I get so cross. You are right in what you say, thanks for your input.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
20 Jun 08
no by golly I would let him sweat it out, no more helping
him as he messed up big time. let him profit by learning
from his goof up and not doing it again.
@Abby123 (261)
•
19 Jun 08
Oh my god ive read you post and feel so sorry that hes being so irresponsible to you,its just a nightmare for you I can see.But he has to learn and the only way hes going to learn is by you taking away your financial support and making him come to his senses.When he was earning a few hundred quid at the tea shop he should have given you some then and cos he didnt thats not on,he has just willy nilly frittered it away,which is a real blow to you.The more you bail him out the more he is happier to let you and he will get the idea that if its going to happen every time that he can just carry on.Theres no accident about his spending,madness and selfishness yep.But saying all that hes your son and theres no way that id ever let my kids sink ,been there and done it,but one of my girls needed a real firm hand and in the end I had to take over her money lock stock and barrel till she had got a grip,I used to give her so much fr her own use and see that her bills were paid etc,she took a while to realise and then she hated bein treated like a kid,so she bucked her ideas up and then a few monthas later she took over her own finances again.A hard wasy to learn as I wouldnt give her enny extra even if she pleaded,but she learnt.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
19 Jun 08
Yes he is being somewhat of a nightmare just lately. I have been in his situation, my Mum and Dad were in a position to help me out and never did. I used to get upset about it because I had a child on my own then and they just seemed to sit and watch me struggle. They were in a good position to help me too. Only as the time has gone by do I now realise that they did it because they wanted me to stand on my own two feet, if they had helped me I would have just gone and done it again.
Now of course I see my son doing it and I see exactly why my parents did what they did. My Mum also told me recently that it killed her and Dad to not to help me out. Your idea of taking over his money is something that I am doing with him too.
@honeydew82174 (1720)
• United States
19 Jun 08
I would let him fall on his face! If you bail him out he might think you always will. Let him learn the hard way. How do you accidentally spend money you do not have? Sounds fishy.
@inuprincess2006 (36)
• United States
19 Jun 08
Hi! It seems like you're going the right way about it by trying to work with him and teach him to handle his money properly and wisely. The cold, hard truth is, he's an adult, so he should be responsible for his own mistakes. When I first became an adult, I was very reckless with my spending and didn't keep up with how much I had, and now I have credit card debt that I'm having a very hard time with, and it's my own fault. I don't think you should put strain on your finances to bail him out, because he got himself into it, and if you keep bailing him out, he will begin to expect you to do so every time he is reckless with his money. I wish you the best of luck with the situation!
Namaste,
Becky
@Johnnypenn (237)
• United States
19 Jun 08
Okay, you have all ready decided what you are going to do. I have to say that my parents have helped me out sometimes when they bailed me out with my bank as well. I owed my parents $300.00 (American Dollars) once. All of my pay checks went to my parents till that and some interest was paid back.
So, if you are going to bail him out, MAKE HIM PAY YOU BACK!
I think he has just figured out what one can do with money when you have a job and you are earning it. Trust me, I have a slight problem like that, but its more or less buying things for the family.
I say, make him pay rent too, only fair.
