So have I done the right thing?
By jasmine0728
@jasmine0728 (677)
United States
June 19, 2008 11:03pm CST
My daughter told me when she was four that he daddy had hurt her.She wasn't allowed to watch television that would have taught her the things she told me that day.I through him out,though he denied it.I have been in limited contact with him through the past 12 years.I contact him if I am in desperate need of something for her but that is about it.
I tried having him prosecuted,but that is not as easy as you might think,he got away with it by the law,I feel he paid a price anyway because he does not know his daughter at all.
She is not 16 going into her senior year in high school,I have always told her she could see him if she wanted to,but with MY supervision only.I was fortunate that he never fought for his right to see her,because he wasn't prosecuted he would have won the fight.I would have been forced into hiding because I would never have allowed him to be alone with her.Now that she is a senior I have told her that if she wants I will invite him to her graduation.Over the years she has expressed little desire to see him,and if she thought it might happen she always said no way never mind I don't want to see him.
I am hoping I have done the right thing by letting her know I will invite him to her graduation if she wants.I can be strong enough to be civil to him for her sake,I have managed to all these years.My concern is did I do the right thing by leaving it up to her?Maybe I should have just left it alone and not mentioned it to her at all,my reason for telling her this was I didn't want her to regret later not having had him there.I will admit some of it is my own ego to,I want to say there see what you lost,she is os smart there is no doubt she will be taking many awards that night she always does.
Jas
4 people like this
10 responses
@m0mmy0f03 (364)
• United States
20 Jun 08
Hello jasmine,
I think you did the right thing. My mother left my father for her own reason. She never said anything bad about him in front of us. We new that she didn't like him. She never said we shouldn't see him. That we had to make are own opinion about him. Its a little different in your case. I believe she will appreciate your concern about her feels. I think that if you told her it was OK that he came. She will confide in you in other things knowing you will be understanding. Good luck with everything....and you sound like a great mother.....good for you!!
@jasmine0728 (677)
• United States
20 Jun 08
Well thank you very much for your response.I do hope I did the right thing,I really don't want to see him.Al she said was do you think he will come? poor kid didn't know,I know he will come,I also know he never fought me about seeing her because he is guilty.I am thankful that other then a horrible temper that she had long before he did this to her she seems to have come through it well.I did take her to counseling for a few years til the counselor said she didn't see any reason to continue at this time,and to bring her back if I ever felt the need.She is a great kid and does well in school,like I said she just has a terrible temper,and it is always directed at me.I am thankful that she has never displayed this temper in school.
Jas
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
20 Jun 08
I think that you have done the right thing by giving your daughter the decision as to whether or not she wants her father to see her graduate. She seems to be a very smart girl by the way you talk about her, and I think that she is old enough to decide on her own if she wants her father to be their to watch her or not. I can understand you wanting to rub her in his face, so to speak, but I think that you should be careful not to allow that start a fight. I know you will not outright say anything to her father but actions can speak louder then words. Have a Great day.
3 people like this
@jasmine0728 (677)
• United States
20 Jun 08
Thank you for your response.I think you are right it should be up to her,I have to keep reminding myself that she is growing up not my little girl anymore.This is a decision that is for her to make .I will not start any fights,I am not a fighting person to begin with,and I would never do that to her.
Jas
3 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
20 Jun 08
I'm not a mother yet, but I know that I will have to do the same as you. Kids grow up so fast.
3 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
20 Jun 08
Let me clarify by saying "I will have to do the same as you" meant, make hard decisions and allow my child to grow up on her or his own.
3 people like this
@chiyosan (30184)
• Philippines
20 Jun 08
what you did is correct. i believe you have been reasonable and at least you did not really tell her to hate her father and i give you credit for that, of course. she is a big girl and knows what is going on. offering for him to be invited is a good act. whether she accepts your idea of not, let it be her decision.
3 people like this
@blackmantra_x (2732)
• Philippines
20 Jun 08
good day... mothers know best. I think you did the right thing cause if not you're daughter might not even graduate and finish high school.
3 people like this
@ZephyrSun (7381)
• United States
20 Jun 08
I think she is old enough to determine whether or not she wants to see him. I have to agree that you did do the right thing. After all it is her graduation and she should determine who is there and who is not. If she decides later on in life that she wants to see him than she will be able to and if she doesn't it's her choice. My children hate their father and the courts still make them go to his house. They can't wait to be old enough to decide to cut him out of their life. Men create these problems themselves and we are left to pick up the pieces and try to figure out what is best for our children, and we honestly can only help them deal with it and support them with their decisions. Good luck!
3 people like this
@baileycows (3665)
• United States
20 Jun 08
I think you did the right thing. But don't push her. I would just tell her once that the door is always open to what she wants and don't keep bringing it up. This to happened to me when I was seven with my step father difference is my mother believed me he admitted it and she has still been with him 20 years. She left me with my grandparents because she couldnt lose her husband???? But my grandparents never shut that door, but told me once that I could do what I wanted but not until I was old enough to take care of myself without them. I do not regret every looking back if he was crappy enough to do it then why should i care and if my mother stayed with him that is even more shameful. My mother and I have talked over the years, but I won't let my kids around them at all. My little girl is 8 and seen my mom twice never met my stepdad. You'd be surprised what a big girl she could be when making this decision it changes your life so just support her, but I would not push it on her just let her know and drop it. She will come to you if she wants him around for something. Chances are she is not going to want him around.
3 people like this
@artistmel2000 (438)
• United States
20 Jun 08
Jasmine, I applaud your efforts to be civil to a man that probably got away with abusing your daughter. I don't know if I could have been civil to anyone hurting my child. As for questioning your decision to offer an invitation to your daughter's graduation to her father, I think you made a very intelligent and kind offer to your daughter. By the same token, I think you should honor your daughter's wishes and not invite him to her big night. She sounds like a lovely, young woman who has had a strong mother be a very good role model for her. As for your ego, by all means stroke it. YOU raised this child, YOU defended this child, YOU protected your child. You deserve all the credit in shaping the future of your family by standing by your daughter when she was her most vulnerable. And believe me, her daddy is all too aware of what he lost. Perpetrators are always aware of what they lose when they prey on children.
1 person likes this
@artistmel2000 (438)
• United States
22 Jun 08
Unfortunately, most teenagers think in terms of dollars and cents, and other children/teens can be judgmental when it comes to the haves and have nots. It's understandable that she would blame him for your lots in life, i.e., living on the poor side. I, too, had to raise my child alone, with no support from her father. She began to refer to him as "the sperm donor" but what she lacked in monetary things, she more than made up for in character and responsibility. I'm willing to bet your daughter will be quite a valuable member of society. My daughter graduated from high school at age sixteen, and she graduated with high honors. By the time she was 18-years-old, she had held down a full-time job, and managed to get a year of college under her belt before she took off to the other side of the country to live her adventure of young adulthood. She is now almost 21-years-old, a Board Certified Optician and manages her own optical store. She drives a new car, she attends college classes, and she is in a committed relationship. She is happy, despite her rough and humble beginnings. She learned, as I'm sure your daughter will learn in the next year, that happiness is not the destination but the accummulation of experiences along the journey.
1 person likes this
@jasmine0728 (677)
• United States
22 Jun 08
Thank you for your response and the high praise.I do think I am doing the right thing.I have left it up to her,and sh just isn't sure yet.She is very angry with him for obvious reasons,she also blames him that we have always been a bit on the poor side.She thinks I should have fought with him for more child support,he has only ever paid $92.00 a month.I know he got off easy in the money department but what she doesn't understand is I was afraid if I fought him on this he would fight me on seeing her.It was more important to me that he never see her.I know there are too many situations where a parent doesn't have a choice,I didn't want to be one of them.
Jas
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
20 Jun 08
yes Jasmine, you did indeed do the right thing, I am
so sorry he was such a heel and he got away with it.
Fathers so often do, and I was eight when my dad molested
me and he,too,got away with it. I am glad your girl has
grown up to be a lovely bright young lady in spite
of him. I imagine she will not want him there but who
knows.
2 people like this
@evviesands (162)
• Uruguay
21 Jun 08
You definetly made the right thing. She's old enough now. And there's nothing worst than a child turning to you saying "why didn't you let me decide see him or not?"
A slightly different thing: I know of lots of single moms who don't let their children see their father cause they dont pay child support. My ex dont pay it but I would make him visit his child.
In the end, it's the children's right to see their parents, and so far you fend him off for obvious reasons, I would've done the same, and now she's old enough to understand everything and to decide for herself.
1 person likes this
