Green Eyed Monster - Looking for Opinions
By firechick
@firechick (2)
Australia
June 27, 2008 6:55am CST
Normally I am not a jealous person, but I have found myself getting very upset that my partner is in touch with an ex.
My partner and I have known each other for nearly 6 years, and we had been fooling around for the last two. He is about 10 years older than me. I knew I loved him, but he wouldn't committ to me because he felt it was complicated. Against my better judgement we fooled around for ages. Eventually I got sick of him not being able to give me any commitment, and I met someone who was willing to. So I walked away and went out with this other guy on three dates within the period of a week.
My partner got upset and after a long conversation over a few days we got together, and I was very happy. We were together 2 weeks when I discovered I was 5 weeks pregnant with his child. He flipped out, said he needed time alone to think. I was very upset and emotional.....who wouldn't of been?? The next day he met 'her'. She is a drug addict, and a very unstable person. He moved me out of his life and moved her staright in to replace me. They lasted about 6 weeks. During which time my partner and I fought alot and couldn't even stand to be in the same room together. While they were together she would say things to him like if he left her she was going to throw herself and her 8 year old son in front of a car, and she got into a fight at the local pub beating up some chick with a pool cue.
Anyway, cut to my daughter now being 6 months old. It was taken along time, but we learnt how to become friends again, he was at her birth and we have now been together again for about 2 months.
I moved in with him, as friends, when I was 7 months pregnant and it grew from there. It has been great, he has been great and so attentive. There was one incident when I was about 9 months pregnant. He wasn't home, she waled into the house without knocking and began screaming at me how I ruined her life, I retreated to find my keys to get out of there and she cornered me in my room in the very back corner of the house. She told me to watch out, that she had powerful friends and would hurt me, and she was going to laugh when my baby was dead and he hated me. After she took off I also left looking for safe shelter and she came back and broke a window to get into the house to go through my stuff, but the neighbour caught her while in the act. I freaked, never felt safe in the house, and a few months ago insisted that we move house.
My problem is, I do not like her contacting him, I do not want her in my life and do not want her anywhere near my daughter. She rings him at 1am teling him that she just threw herself in front of a train..... I replied she didnt do it right.
He wont cut off contact with her, his excuse is that he thinks it will make things worse if he does. But I hate it, i find it extrememly upsetting when she rings. Am I over reacting? I do not believe there is anything going on between them right now, but I feel like he left me for her once before and I'm scared he might do it again, and I think she maybe hoping for it to happen. Even though she took up with someone else 2 weeks after they broke up and she is supposed to still be with him.
It makes me so upset that I am nearly physically sick when i think about it.
Looking for other opinions.
Sorry if this is hard to follow, finding it hard to think straight at the moment.
2 people like this
10 responses
@jamie62476 (33)
• United States
27 Jun 08
She needs mental help. For the sake of your daughter and you, if he is going to have that kind of person in his life that will bring drama in at every turn, you are better off without him. Get child support and move on to a drama free life. You can only change the things you have control of.
1 person likes this
@dfollin (25381)
• United States
27 Jun 08
Exactly,you do not need all that and neither does your daughter need to grow up with it.
@gunslinger (184)
• Philippines
28 Jun 08
From the story that you said, I think it would be better if your life will continue without this man. Sorry if this is harsh but this would be the best thing to do.
Do it for yourself. That man may be a good father to your daughter, but you'll have to think of yourself too. Being in a toxic relationship won't do you any good :)
@firechick (2)
• Australia
29 Jun 08
I would like to thank everyone for your advice.
We moved, but within the same community so our number moved with us. He feels telling her to f off will make her comfront me again and has told her not to come near the house when he is not home. Doesnt really mean much I know. I have told him how unsafe I feel and he said it is his role to protect me and the baby.
I care about him, an dont want to walk away right now. but have wondered how things would of paned out if I had just walked away when he first left me.
I'm going to take your advice and sit down with him and spell out exactly how I feel and how its not going to change and what to repocutions (sp?) might be if he continuous with this "friendship".
I want to feel happy and safe with him, so I guess its time to see if I can.
Thanks Everyone.
@dfollin (25381)
• United States
27 Jun 08
Loosing him would be the least of my worries after she threatened that the baby would die.Sounds like this woman needs help.And her poor child.And her poor child,sounds like she might hurt her/him.She needs to be anonomously reported.Think about,if she had jumped in front of a train how was she talking to him on the phone?Did you move? If so how does she have your phone number? I would take my daughter and go far away where you'd be safe.And if he wanted to come and have no contact with her.If he can't comply then he made his choice.Tell him flat out if he stops talking to him and gets her help,she will not hurt herself.But,if he can't understand that then things aren't as great as you think they are.Why didn't you call the police and have her locked up when she came in and backed you in a corner and threatened your baby?
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
28 Jun 08
I don't blame you a bit for not wanting her in your life and by him allowing her to continue, then he is endangering you and your child. She sounds very, very mentally unstable and dangerous really. I don't normally believe in ultimatums but in a case like this it sounds like the safest thing for you and your child. I would tell him that if he can't break all ties that you are leaving him. He should change is phone # and get a restraining order for starters. If he doesn't put an end to this, then your relationship will become more and more strained and will probably be doomed anyway.
@ZephyrSun (7381)
• United States
27 Jun 08
My husband's ex girlfriend has been in and out of his life for the last 2 1/2 years. Which is the entire time that we have been together. For the first 1 1/2 years it was constant contact and I expressed my disapproval of this because I didn't think they should talk because they didn't have children or anything that connected them after the break up. She cheated on him and he left her. She would email, call, call his work, and show up at his house. It really did upset me and he would just dismiss my feelings of the situation. Well right before we got married she started stalking me. She would email him with my whereabouts and the people that I was with. She of course would say oh this week I seen her here (she would list 7 different places that I was at and she "accidentally" seen me. Still he dismissed this, and I was concerned because of her behavior and the fact that I have children. So I emailed her telling her to stay away from me, my children, and him. It worked for about 5 months then it started again, and I told him if he didn't file a police report I was leaving. He emailed her and said that he would call the police if she didn't leave him alone. We haven't heard from her yet but I know she will be back.
I think you have every right to be upset and you are not over reacting. This is your life and your child's life and you should not have to worry that this person is going to do something to you two. Have you tried telling him that you don't feel safe? It's just an idea mine didn't listen to me either but when I told him that I was leaving if he didn't stop it then he did. I am not saying leave, I am just telling you what I had to do to get it to stop. Your man might be smarter than mine is. I hope that everything works out for you, I know how hard this is to go through. That fear of not knowing what is going to happen is the worst. Best of luck!!
@msedge (4011)
• United States
28 Jun 08
This is a very hard situation and i could understand what you feel right now.It seems this woman won't stop from bothering your life.I guess you should talk to your partner seriously and may decide to live far from this woman in order for you to have peaceful life.I do think she won't stop until she will get him back.It might be better to avoid her.
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
27 Jun 08
This sounds pretty serious, this woman could be a threat for you and your baby. I can understand your partners concern about her if he was ever in a relationship with her, but he's with you NOW. He needs to provide you and your kid with a safe environment and by keeping in contact with her he's not doing so.
I would seriously consider a restriction order, if it isn't for your partner than at least for you and your child. Keep her away from your home and let the police know she threatened you.
If your partner wants to get out and contact this lady it's his choice, but he can't put you or his young daughter at risk. What ever you decide, make sure she's safe :) Take care!!
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
27 Jun 08
Given the things that this ex has done to you I think that I would be pretty upset about him being in touch with her myself. You asked for other opinions and this is mine, I think that he is messing you about, if he cared anything for you then he would cut her out of his life. I mean you have a child to think about and this woman has made threats and physical ones too, towards you and your child.
There may not be anything going on between them but he owes her nothing, so why keep her in his life seems a bit unfair to the both of you really.
@rantingqueen (495)
• United States
27 Jun 08
Honestly, without trust there is no relationship. It is time for you to do what is best for the safety of you and your baby. It is not healthy for your child to grow up in a situation where Mommy doesn't trust Daddy but stays with him anyway. Your partner should be considering his family's safety at all times.
Attempt to sit down with him and explain your fears. Let him know that you truly do not like nor appreciate the situation you are in, and that you need his support in changing it.
Call the phone company and have her number blocked from being able to call your home, get a restraining order to keep her away from you and your child and follow through with calling the police should she violate it. I realize that it is not the end all answer, but it quite possibly could show her that you are serious about keeping her away from you and your baby.
I wish I had a better answer for you, but protecting yourself and your child has to be your number one concern. You have my prayers.
@dheeraj138 (6)
• India
27 Jun 08
Maybe you should sit down with him and have a serious talk once and for all. Make him try listing out all the ways in which he thinks staying out of contact with her will 'complicate' or 'worsen' the situation. Then, he might realise if there's a fallacy in his thinking. And also bring up the fact that, now, with the baby, she is a threat and atleast for the sake of the baby, maybe he should try ot change his priorities.
And if he still doesn't change, maybe you should rearrange your own priorities because nobody's more important to you than yourself and your baby.
