I have a situation- Please give me options
By celticeagle
@celticeagle (168258)
Boise, Idaho
July 3, 2008 12:49am CST
I live with my daughter who is bi-polar and has manic phases where she acts very immature and even hateful. I have helped her throughout her life with a place to live and such. Right now we live in low income housing and she has a section 8. She came back to stay with me three or four years ago when she was living homeless with her pathetic boyfriend who couldn't get a job even when she got pregnant, had my grandson and was threatened by a social worker with the baby being taken away unless she had a place to live real soon. Yes, there was drugs involved at that time. She came to live with me and we have been living together since then in the section 8 situation. I told her not to worry about getting a job until the baby was five or six and started school. She got child support so that helped alittle. I told her she would be responsible for the cooking and cleaning and I would work and pay the bills. She was fine with that. Derr! Now my grandson is going to start school this fall and my daughter says she is getting a job. She has made a horrible mess of the house with a bunch of her stuff. Lately she has been very snotty and nasty toward me. This is how she acted when in her manic phase. We had a problem like this last winter I was going to move out. Now I am ready to again. A nice place of my own where I won't be stressed out all the time and I can get to feeling better. I have severe depression and arthritis and her crap really doesn't help me. I am not working anymore but I still pay the bills and she is still to do the cooking and the cleaning. I figure she messes it up why can't she clean it up. And, I am getting too old to take care of her anylonger. I raised her, I put up with her teenage problems before she was diagnosed and did all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of her. Now, if I am to stay here I expect her to take care of her son and me in my retiring years. Either that or I am moving out! I would like to get your opinions, insights, thoughts, and general input. Thank you!
4 people like this
8 responses
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
3 Jul 08
Really thats what she is for now to take care of you like you did her!.
BUt then this has got to be up to you as long as you can take careof yourself might be ok to get your own apt. but then again too that rent would be alont higher.
I would think it over in every way before moving out! Manic stages dont tay around long!
2 people like this
@celticeagle (168258)
• Boise, Idaho
4 Jul 08
thank you,dear. And I have thought about the full aspects of it all. the manic phases shouldn't last long but, they seem to be staying longer lately and driving me crazier. Luv ya.
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
5 Jul 08
so sorry to heard that.
they said my son was a manic deppesent but to me I never saw or see any of it but maybe his spending gets out of hand.
He has a good wife now and they get along great and I never see anything wrong with him I do know that he stayed in a hospital for evaluation for a couple of weeks we would visit him while we were home.
and he never seemed any different than he ever was just some sown in the dump fromx wife hounding him and what she was doing would have put any one ther.
I think h was diagnoised wrong.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
3 Jul 08
Whose house are you both living in, yours or hers? I get the impression from reading the discussion that it is your place, if it is then you are not the one that should be leaving. I am sorry that your daughter has problems with bi-polar, I dont know too much about it but I know it can be bad. But if she is capable of living alone then she should, it is obvious that it is getting you down and she has no right to let you do everything in the house. You should be working together to make a nice home for you all to live in and enjoy she is a Mum too so she should want that. Not just leave it all too you, it sounds like you are really down I wish I could give you more advice, I hope things can be sorted out. Take care xx
2 people like this
@celticeagle (168258)
• Boise, Idaho
4 Jul 08
Thank you, sweets. There are alot of different fassets. One of the things that I think people don't understand is my daughter has a narrsisistic personality. Very self involved and one-minded. It makes it hard, and very frustrating, to help her in raising her son. Frustrating is an understatement.
1 person likes this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
6 Jul 08
do what you feel is right, if she is making you sick that is not very good, you have to think of yourself and it looks like she is not thinking that much about you. If she has a home and a social worker to help her with babysittters etc, she will do okay.
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
9 Jul 08
yes I am also a grandmother and a therapist and my son ripped my heart out,
nobody said it was easy,
you asked for options, my best advice to you is do what you think is right.
@celticeagle (168258)
• Boise, Idaho
8 Jul 08
Do you have kids? It is not always that easy to step aside.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
4 Jul 08
to begin with is she on medication to control her bi polar as I know a lot of bipolar people who live almost normal lives as long as they take their medications. so if she is in controlthen yes she should do her sharee of the work and care for her own
son. how old are youu, can you do by yourself, if so and if she can cope with medications it seems to me that you two should split up. I cannot see a bipolar person taking care of someone in their retiring years, its just not too safe. let her fend for herself and her child, and you move into your own place. good luck and God Bless.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (168258)
• Boise, Idaho
4 Jul 08
Makes sense. She is on medication. But, the major thing with bi-polars is that they start feeling better, after finding the right meds that work for them, and then they go off the meds. With my daugher it is a strange existence. She may stay up for days. When she is in her manic phase the house becomes a series of piles which drives me up really bad. It is her stuff, her responsibility to clean it, etc. So, do I start a big fight trying to get her to do what she has comitted to, do I just trash it all or what? It would be heaven on earth for me to live on my own, keep my own place clean, but, I can't feel good about her raising my grandson on her own. He needs positive interaction and a good roll model as well. So, I stay on here in the grandma role.
1 person likes this
@mndricha2 (76)
• United States
4 Jul 08
aftading this i just wanted to say incase u havent heard it already or lately. YOUR A GOOD MOM. your love and wanting the well being of you grandson is admirable. Sometimes tho u have to do whats good for you, because its unhealthy for you to stress somuch, and then if something happened to you, what would she do?
1 person likes this
@dragonfly242 (1060)
• Bahamas
9 Jul 08
Hi celticeagle!
Sorry you're having such a hard time in this situation.
But i must say at some point you have to put yourself first.
I can understand as a mother how you can be torn, we do our best to raise them, and think at some point they will stand on their own.
Please dont put your hopes in being taken care of by your daughter, not to say that she wont.
Always make sure that you put something away for your independence just in case.
I always say.. i hope God gives me the strenght to be able to take care of myself, and the dignity to die when i can no longer take care of myself.
But thats mostly when i;m upset by one or more of my kids.
{{HUGS}}
@dragonfly242 (1060)
• Bahamas
9 Jul 08
Thank you for the best response!
It's been said that motherhood is the only job that you dont retire from, it's a life long job.
@mndricha2 (76)
• United States
4 Jul 08
If she has section 8, she should get a job working mother's hours so her child can be in school and become independant. I know it must be hard for you because thats your daughter and grandchild but maybe you have done TOO MUCH for her. People don't realize things until they lose them. You deserve to have a downtime for yourself to enjoy your after work years. Id tell her to have a job by fall because either you or she is moving out. and she needs to be able to work with her childs schedule. There are plenty of jobs she can get working mothers hours. and section 8 and welfare can help her more. Also welfare has childcare help if she works later then she should and SHE should look into it. I also understand the bi-polar thing must be hard for her too, but she has to realize it is what it is. and she has a little person that looks up to her and that should be her life. Also since i moved away from my mom we get along much better, i think its healthier to miss someone sometimes. Make the love stronger! I hope i helped a little.
xxoxo take care hun
julz.
@celticeagle (168258)
• Boise, Idaho
5 Jul 08
I totally agree that perhaps I have done TOO much. That was the original committment. I told her not worry about getting a job until my grand son was in school. That little person should be her life but is very often put to the bottom of the list. You did help alot. Thanks xoxo back at ya.
@TheCarter (369)
• United States
4 Jul 08
I am sory to hear about this situation. I can imagine the headache. Manic depression is a horrible thing to have to deal with. If you leave you put the child in harms way if she is indeed nearing another breakdown. I always side with self-sacrifice when it comes to the children. Moving out won't neccessarily help the depression, but you already know that. It is a difficult situation to be in, but I can offer one word of advice. Prayer.
@walkthetalk (1307)
• United States
4 Aug 08
I have a ex sister-in-law the exact same way. From the
meds all the way to the mood changes. If she is anything
like ( I'll call her Cindy ) Cindy then it is very hard
for her to hold down a job, because she want take her meds.
She thinks everyone else is crazy and she is normal. This
causes a big problem for her and her family and her employers.
Along with other problems with this condition Cindy was hardly
ever able to take care or her son alone. She caused trouble for
him at school, and held him back in life alone. Her mom has always
had to supervise. I'm sorry to say it sounds like you may have to watch
over your grandchild. And under and circumstance I don't think I would
ever want either of my kids take care of me. Most especially if I were
still able to take care of my self. In manic Depression you know one
of the system is they give up, quit doing anything. You may have to
help out in these phases. I'll pray for you both. Sorry. :-)
@celticeagle (168258)
• Boise, Idaho
9 Aug 08
Sorry I am so late in responding to your input here. Life is my only excuse. I am sorry to hear that you are having this in your life as well. A mother's love. Man.
@celticeagle (168258)
• Boise, Idaho
9 Aug 08
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to you here. I am sorry to hear you had/have this in your life as well. We should write a book! LOL
