my husband and his girl best friend who he was inlove for a long time
By XnatenE
@XnatenE (38)
United States
July 5, 2008 10:04am CST
my husband and his girl bestfriend relationship bothers me alot. they have known each other since highschool. he was inlove all the time with her. she also had cause a lot of problem for him before. but my husband wants to be a good freind to her stil. he calls her his only friend. something happend to them several times before but they wer not even bf/gf when that happend.
one time my husband offered to take care of her when she was pregnant and will support her and the baby and would want to live wiht us. even volunteered me to help her take care of the baby. that issue was resolve because she had a miscarriage or something.
i tried to be friends with her and started communicating with her through chat. but when i learn how involved they are with each other and had the idea how much he is willing to do for her. i started to back off a bit and told him i trust him but i want him to know where to draw the line.
one time he informed that he will be staying some nights at her place when he gets back home. i told him that i dont like the idea and i feel uncomfortable about it. he didnt understand why and told me that the only way that he wont stay at her place is if she wont allow him. he said he stayed at her place many many times. so what i did was sent a message to the girl and told her politely that i feel uncomfortable about him staying at her place and hope that she will understand me coz she is a girl too.
unfortunately she didnt. and accused me of insulting then and not trusting my husband and her. that if they wanted to do it again, they could have done that a long time ago and not wait and do it again when i am already his girlfriend.
she sent me an email and from then on i decided that i dont want to be freinds with her. i never met her. my husband says he is disappointed and frustrated that i freak out when he wants to hang out withher. what he wants is for himt o occassionaly hang out with her and hope that i can also join them sometimes.
i dont think i can handle that. there are a lot to say.. but this is already getting to long.
i just need a quick enlightenment.
thanks...
9 people like this
26 responses
@babygrl26 (7)
• United States
6 Jul 08
you know what, if you feel like you can trust him and you do trust him, then do that, otherwise it will cause a bunch of problems between you and him. I have been there done that only mine didn;t turn out good but you know what everything happens for a reason so maybe you could hang out with her, maybe meet her and see how that goes.
2 people like this
@cdeanda2 (84)
• United States
6 Jul 08
UM EXCUSE ME? Husband or not that is something you do not need to tolerate girl. Something sounds fishy...you have not met her. WThaa? Come on get it together and get smart. This is from one woman to another girl. Men dont have girl friends. There are few who do. Sleep overs? WThaa? No way. That is unacceptable. That is your husband. If he wants to live like he is a teenager in love thats what he should do but not with you. He has take your kindness and ran with it so give him the upper hand. You need to be firm and let him know what you will and wont accept and he either wants to be a husband to you or not. If he wants to support another woman and her child and have a wife...please someone explain that. No explanation I know. Its all wrong...dont allow any of it.
@infobyaj36 (907)
• United States
5 Jul 08
UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!! He is your husband first her friend second. That is all there is to it. He promised to love and honor you. He is not doing this by spending time "alone" with another woman. I do not have a problem with male and female friendships but your husband has crossed the line. It is time to put your foot down. You need to meet her, in fact you need to demand it. The best way for one woman to read another womans intentions is to see their face. If they want and need to continue a friendship they need to reduce the degree. By this I mean they should only hang out together in public, never alone at her place. This is not an issue of trust but an issue of respect toward you and your feelings as his wife. If I were you I would befriend her and quick. Keeping her close to you will help you to know what is really going on. Who's baby was she pregant with? I would worry that it was your husbands child. Stay involved tell him that when he wants to see her your coming along.
Best wishes
@XnatenE (38)
• United States
5 Jul 08
when she got the ectopic pregnancy, the guy left her that why my husband offered almost everything to help her, even volunteerd me to help her too. since there was a problem withhte pregnancy and they have to get rid of the baby. the issue was resolve. right now she is pregnant again..byt the guy who got her pregnant before. and he left her again. now the girl wants to spend time with him and be part of stuff and it bugs her that he cant because im acting like a 13 year old. they talk in caht and i read the chat logs. one time she even told my husband to be the man. my husband says he is disappointed and frustrated that i dont even want to meet her. i dont know if i can handle to be around her knowing everything that happend to them before.
2 people like this
@infobyaj36 (907)
• United States
6 Jul 08
Ok I am in the dark on everything that happened with them before but remember the old saying keep your friends close and your enimies closer. I believe she is a threat to your marriage and if you can't seem to get rid of her than my best advise I can give you is to get close to her. Get inside her head, befriend her and find out if all she really wants from your hubby is friendship! Also once you are close to her you can get her to understand your feelings more, and saying your husband is not a man for respecting his your wishes is a threat! You are not acting 13 you are acting like a jealous (with good reason), concerned wife this response shows your husband you care. Explain to him and help him look at it this way. If his response is anger you really need to look at the big picture and if his feelings for her are more than just friendship, YOUR FEELINGS SHOULD ALWAYS COME BEFORE HERS.
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
5 Jul 08
HI XnatenE,
I understand your feeling...Your husband also should be considerate enough and sensitive with your feeling knowing that you know that he do care and love this girl and it's not easy to accept as a wife, you can't control getting jealous..Just talk again to your husband how it will hurt you when he will spend time sleeping with his best friend, it will be fine if she will hang out with you both but he should know or set some limitation to respect your feelings. I admire your being open about what you feel to the girl and to your husband but I don't like the way the girl reacted, if she is in your case, I know she will not be comfortable too if her husband will be spending night with the best friend.
1 person likes this
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
6 Jul 08
That is very sad and I can't blame you for feeling that way...I wish the girl will be able to find a life and stop bothering you both. I am sure she can find another friend, she is inconsiderate for me knowing that your husband is married now and their friendship of course will be affected! I hope also your husband will be strong and know the limitations of their friendship!
@XnatenE (38)
• United States
5 Jul 08
i know its unfair but what i am feeling right now is i dont even want them to talk or see each other again. if that is even possible. but thats how i feel about it. he said he cant easily throw friendship. i really dont like how she talks to him in chat like saying how she wants him to be part of her life and i stole her bestfreind(my husband). and i know its messing up with my husbands mind. lastnight i asked him if he hate me because i dont want to be freinds with her..he said he is emotionally drained. i cant believe how much it bothers him that i dont like them to hangout "occasionally"
1 person likes this
@Bethany1202 (3431)
• United States
6 Jul 08
It's one thing to be friends with a woman, btu I think he is taking this too far. You should come before her, first of all, since you are his wife, and he should respect your feelings. Sorry to say this, but it sounds as though he is being dishonest and there is more to this relationship than just friendship.
Best wishes, hope this issue gets resolved once and for all for you!
1 person likes this
@faln_angel1205 (1192)
• United States
6 Jul 08
They have been friends since H.S so therefore you most likely new of her before you said I DO..if there was a prob then you shoulndt have married him..also you apparently dont trust him and well you cant truly love someone if you dont truly trust them and vice versa, love and trust, two things i feel you cant have without the other. So either trust him like it says in the vows or end it. If you are feeling left out or pushed aside by the friend than dont put up with it, but at the same point as i stated above..she was there before you and you knew about her if you ditn want to "share" him with another woman even if that relationship was platonic, then you shouldnt have married him. Its like the old saying, you knew what you were getting into, when you got into it. Dont mean to come across harsh, its just my opinion and i feel some very valid points to consider when deciding what to do with the situation.
1 person likes this
@alindahaw (1219)
• Philippines
7 Jul 08
I don't really blame you for feeling the way you do. It is not easy to share your husband to his ex-girlfriend! I mean, sure they are the best of friends but you are the wife. If your husband really cares about how you feel, he would not insist on hanging out with his ex-girl friend, best friend whatever. Besides, she has no right to impose herself on you and your husband like that. It's not about you not trusting your husband, its about her trying to impose her presence on your marriage.
@tessah (6617)
• United States
6 Jul 08
i think you need to check yersef for self esteem issues really. most of my clsest friends are men..and wives like you make our relationships very tedius with the constant acusations that more is going on that just friendships. yer walking on very thin ice to be dictating who yer husband can and cannot have for friends.. and the ONLY thing youll succeed in doing is losing him with yer distrust.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
5 Jul 08
I am sorry that you feel this way but I can't really say much as I'm not sure of how close of friends they really are. I would say that you should try to go out with them once to see how she really is in person as people can be different over the internet. Words can be mistaken and she may have mistaken your words as insults instead of just concern for the relationship between the two. I don't think that you are wrong in your concern but it seems that you may be coming off jealous to them. I hope that you can get this resolved and that you won't feel as insecure about them spending time together. Have a Great day.
1 person likes this
@blackmantra_x (2732)
• Philippines
5 Jul 08
good day...I am a man and if I'm in your situation and my wife has that kind of an "issue" I'm also going to freak out. I mean it's not only a matter of trust but also with priorities. Your are his wife and by all means you must also be his best friend and nobody whether his new or old time fiend could replace that. For me he can keep his friends but like you said he needs to draw the line and asking you to take in and take care of her friend when she was pregnant was well let's put it this way insulting and disappointing. Letting you know they're plan before hand doesn't give them the right to go ahead with it either. It sounded like they are just letting you know than asking permission. In my rational thinking, maybe they're letting you know their plans so they could do move freely. Well it's just what I think but then again I could be wrong. It's really up yo you of how well you know your husband and trust him. As for me if that's the way my wife acts toward her special friend, I won't let it stand and let her decide between me and her friend.
@bigboss9123 (51)
• Philippines
7 Jul 08
Let me tell you please that I a man and therefore I should speak here base on my understanding of the situation instead of saving our gender.
I believe you are right. I'm too doubted the fidelity of your husband. Friendship relation must have a demarcation line which your husband and his girl best friend must not cross the line. In the first place why is it your husband are to eager to take care with her girl best friend and even wanted to stay her house for some days and nights? I smell some fishy there. Your husband and his friend has some intimate relation as i see it, you are only being used as if to befriend with her because the two are conditioning your mind regarding their relationship. They will first ask you to be with them, next your friendship, then she will stay at your house, and until you will reach to the point of recognizing their relation thus the three of you now will live in one roof- two wives with one husband. I pray I am wrong with my intuition but you have to vigilant with that. I myself, before I got married I have many friends but the day I become a married man was also the day I lost all my friends because I found one real true friend- my wife. Your husband must show respect to you, he must hears your side, considers your emotion and most all you must be paramount to him all over the other, he must not show great care to other girl in front of your nose because that care must be given only to you. So be careful and watch their friendship at all times.
@latriciajones (846)
• United States
5 Jul 08
i am sorry that this is bothering you , and like you said your husband should know where to draw the line. and i feel that once you become married then your spouse is more important than anything or anyone. and if his girl bestfriend should understand that because i guarantee if she were in your position she would feel the same way. your husband should understand and care about your feelings and he shold respect them. if you feel uncomfortable then he either needs to do something t mske you feel comfortable or he needs to put his friend to the side for awhile to work on you and him. once you guys got married you became his besfriend for life, and you should never have to compete with another woman or even feel intimidated by another woman. and if he doesnt care then you can definitely find someone that will care. he shouldnt be letting this girl come between you guys, because if it were you spending nights with a male guy your hubby would sware that something was going on. but dont stress yourself out, if he wanted to spend his life with her then she would have been the one at the alter not you , so you do have that advantage over her.
1 person likes this
@pixiedustforyou2008 (2422)
• United States
5 Jul 08
I have a situation like that.. my husband and i Just got married like three month ago and this girl out of no where messages me on myspace, to come to find out this is my husbands ex girl friend of 2 years and they both took each others virginity and he also asked this girl to come and live with him here in North Carolina just before i came along i think it might have been like a month before i came into the picture... Well this girl was the one that told all me this stuff.. If this girl wasn't trying to hurt our relationship why the heck would she be telling me all this.. well finally i got feed up with the bull crap and i told my husband to write this girl a message and tell her that we want nothing to do with her and to just leave us alone.. Well wrote back and called me all kinds of me thing calling me selfish and controlling, my husband wrote her back and told her to stop messaging him and to stop talking about my wife like that. Well than she wrote me and said all those nasty things again i lett her hear it than... I wouldn't put up with bull crap.. Were pretty much in the same position.
@XnatenE (38)
• United States
5 Jul 08
the difference is i guess my husband is weak. he stil wants to be around this girl and what is worse is he wants the 3 of us to hangout. saying that if i only try he is sure that we can be freinds. but i guess its too late for that. he said that this is what he got from being open and honest to me. like saying it could of been better if he didnt tell me anything so we dont have this issue right now. when they are doing it the girl was even dating another guy. i cant believe why my husband stil stick to their friendship and want to keep it as it used to be knowing ow much trouble this girl have him before. like he got evicted from the apartment they are suppose to share because she dumped him for another guy. my husband moved to the city coz she wanted to go to school here in the city after she got out of prison. then she left him. with no job and cant afford the apartment and all coz they ar esuppose to spilit it. my husband thought that living together will make them closer. but that didnt happen. yet he stil wants to stick with her...and even want me to hangout with her.
so frustrating for me..
1 person likes this
@pixiedustforyou2008 (2422)
• United States
5 Jul 08
I know how frustrating it can be this gurl that i am talking about is also married and has two kids and while they were dating she dumped him for another guy.
1 person likes this
@pukaprat2 (442)
• United States
7 Jul 08
you know i had a similar experience- except i wasnt married to the man. first off your husband should honor you and your wishes to not sleep over. i mean that is not what married men do- it is one thing for them to hang out and be cool like that but to go as far as to take care of the baby- red flag bobbin. your man is not who he says he is or that he wants his cake eat it too-
i dont know how long you have been with him, but this #$%% has got to go. as for his friend- well she is problably right in the fact that they have done "that" several times and should respect you as his wife- you are the one married to him.
as for me what i did was leave since well i wasnt' married to the man. but you need to sit down with him and explain the full conciequences of his actions and that he need to respect you and honor you. --
back to the whole baby thing- ever thought maybe it was his that's why he was being the way he was? offering you as a servant to take care of his and her's child? somethings just aren't ment to be.
now if he is willing to see how this is affecting you then all should be fine. but if he doesnt understand where you are coming from then i think you need to remind him why he married you and not her!
anyways i dont know if any of this helps, i do know that what you are going through is not easy- and good luck- stand your ground and dont cave- you have ever right to feel uncomfortable about this situation.
@XnatenE (38)
• United States
7 Jul 08
thanks to all who responded..
right now my husband is just quiet about it..
he said he just dont easily throw friendship.
he has been really nice to be the past few days. i hope this will continue.
maybe he just need time to realize everything and time to adjust to everything.
btw. we got married jan. and i am from a different country. we had a long distance relationship and i just moved in here in america november of last year.
thanks again.
i really appreciate everything.
@Honeybuttz (256)
• Philippines
6 Jul 08
Good Day,
I understand your situation is difficult, but it shouldn't be a threat to you marriage.
Your husband said he wanted you to spend sometime with him and with his so called best friend.
The best thing for you to do is to get to know his girl bestfriend in person. In that way you will fully understand why your hubby is having a hard time letting her go.
I am not saying that you just give in to what they want,What I am saying is be involved in their friendship. In that way you can really gauge what is really going on.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
6 Jul 08
From his actions it seems like he loves her more than he respects your wishes.It would be fine to have a best friend that was of the other gender if he was giving you the love and respect you deserve.If you were first in his heart , then your comfort would come first.And his friend would come second. But unfortunately, it seems like it is reversed.If I were you, whenever he is with his friend, I would be with my friend(s). He is going to have a night in with her, i would have a night put with them.Since he is putting her first, he wouldn't be first with me.But I am very vengeful and I Never wanted to marry.So if this suggestion seems too harsh, forgive me.What you need to do is sit him down and explain how this makes you feel. And if he can't understand or understands but refuses to change then you have to sit and think what you want to do. He won't change, then you will have to.You deserve to be happy. Take care.
@tuxedoxpress (26)
• United States
6 Jul 08
O.K. Kiddo,Everytime anyone on myLot tells you he is insensitive, or to put your foot down, or to get away from him, you respond with excuses for him. It appears that you are not ready to face the reality that this is an abnormal situation OR to do anything about it.
A husband's first responsibility and loyalty is to his wife, then his children, NOT to his parents (who he should continue to show respect for), and, especially, NOT to old girlfriends.
You don't mention how long you've been married, but if you don't demand your reasonable rights as a wife, no one can do it for you.
If your husband is still in love with this woman, to the point where she comes first in his life, then you have three choices:
1) Insist that he treat you with the respect due to a wife and LEAVE THE OLD GIRLFRIEND ALONE! NEVER! NEVER! AGREE TO HIM SPENDING THE NIGHT! That is outrageous, no matter what "she" may think!2) Get the heck out of the marriage if he won't give her up. You may as well find out if she is more important to him than you are. If she is, why would you want to stay in the marriage anyway? Do you want to be some kind of stupid consolation prize? (That's someone to make him feel secure while the "important" girlfriend keeps getting impregnated by the loser who keeps leaving her!)
3) Stay in the situation as it is, feel guilty for feeling upset about the situation, tell everyone over and over how upset you are, and get SCREWED ROYALLY, then pitied, and eventually laughed at! Marriage is a tough enough institution when a husband or wife ARE Best Friends, but it is a LOSING PROPOSITION with the scenario you've described. Remember, YOU are the ONLY ONE with the power to change things!
@ajaygupta (168)
• India
6 Jul 08
u know what u r not trying to understand that u r the1 who is between the 2. they r trying to simply convey to u without uttering a single word clearly that if u want him as a husband u got to agree and approve their relation and then u will be joining the fiddle as a silent partner.
And now to the bitter fact that u r not trying to take the bitter part of it that ur hausband is or never was urs. take a bold and hard action against him legally as well as mentally. LEAVE HIM there is nothing in this world that is impossible, u can liveife on ur own without any compromises. ALL D BEST.
@nutthouse3 (63)
• United States
6 Jul 08
I say no way to this one! They both sound like they are 12 years old, not mature adults. First of all I commend your husband for wanting to be there for a friend in a time of need (miscarriage). But the fact that they were once in love is just not right for him to spend that much time with her. She is grown and can take care of herself.
As for him wanting you to take care of the baby (prior to miscarriage) is outrageous! He can't have his cake and eat it too! At some point he has to make a choice, you both can be friends. An occasional outing with her, but under no circumstances can he spend the night at her place. She has no place accusing you of anything, your husband should have stepped in and told her that too!
Your the one that should be disappointed in your husband, not the other way. He obviously has no idea on what it means to be a husband! I am so sorry that you have to go through this, Maybe you should look up a past boyfriend and meet up with him one night and that might make the point clearer to your husband. They are way to close for comfort and to think that this is okay, is very very wrong! I hope it works out for you !! You deserve better!
@msedge (4011)
• United States
6 Jul 08
Well, i think you are right in your reaction.Well, i would think this is not a good situation.Even they are just friends right now but the fact that they had past relationship it won't stop you from thinking that one day there might be something happen again between the two.I don't understand why your husband will sacricfice not sleeping with you but would prefer to sleep with her.I am sorry to tell this but you have to do your right as your wife.Say noooooooooo!Its not fair,maybe unless you will sleep there too.You should talk to your husband and open up your feelings to him.No not leave any doubts behind because things can possibly happen.Tell him everything what you feel about it so that you will be relieve and then see whats his response about this.Figure it out if you weigh more than to him than her.Fight for your right as a wife!
