How Do I Deal With Racism?
By singlemommy
@singlemommy (2955)
United States
July 7, 2008 12:00am CST
Today, I was faced with something that I knew would happen one day, but it came so totally unexpected and from someone that I never expected it from.
I am a single white female. I have a daughter who is 7 by a white man. Her father and I have had alot of very hard times and even though we have both hurt eachother many times in the past, we have become very good friends. I also have a 18 month old son who is half African American. His father isn't in the picture, so I'm doing the mommy/daddy duty all by myself. My daughter's dad has been there many times to play with not only our daughter, but my bi-racial son too.
Tonight, my daughter had vacation bible school at a church that is next door to her great grandparents house. I went to pick her up from church tonight and I seen that her dad and a bunch of other family members were over at my daughter's great grandparents house and I knew my daughter would want to go see them when she got out of church. So, I pulled over at their house and got out of my car and got the baby out of the car. I took him in the church yard to let him play, but he seen a ball in my daughter's great grandparents yard, so him being a baby and seeing a ball went to get the ball and play with it. I let him, I didn't think that it was a big deal. Then he seen my daughter's dad sitting on the porch and so he started crawling up the steps to get to him. My daughter's great grandpa looked at me and said, "Get him now and go". I couldn't believe what I heard, so I said, "What?" and he said, "Get him now and go. You aren't welcome here". My ex then picked up my son and then he walked me away from their house and he said, "Geez" and I said, "What is that about?" and he said, "I don't know, but man". I took my son over to the church yard again, fighting ever tear in my eye to be strong for when my daughter came out of church. When she did come out, I told her to get in the car and she said, "but I want to go see grandma and grandpa" and I said, "No, get in the car so we can leave". We left and I couldn't hold back my tears anymore.
Every Sunday, my ex's family have Sunday dinner at his grandparents house. Even when it is my weekend, I give up Sunday dinner with my daughter, so she can have it with them. I give of my time with her, so they can have extra time with her. I told my daughter tonight that I will not be letting her go over there on Sunday's anymore and she asked me why and I just told her that it wasn't something that I wanted her to know because I didn't want her to get hurt, but that I didn't want her to be mad at me or think that I was punishing her because she did nothing wrong.
My ex called me tonight and told me that he was sorry. I told him that it wasn't his fault and I didn't blame him. I told him that I was no longer going to give up of my time for his grandparents anymore. He said that I wasn't being fair to our daughter. I told him that I felt that if her great grandparents had no respect for the woman who gave them their great granddaughter, then they had no respect for their great granddaughter. My daughter loves her little brother and if they can't see past the color of his skin for her, then to me, they don't love her either.
I have never done anything to anyone in his family. He even said so tonight, so I feel there is no reason for them to be treating me or my son this way.
I just don't know how to feel about the situation. I had always gotten along with his great grandparents and I never expected them to treat me or my son like that. I'm trying to protect my daughter's feelings in the matter too, but on the other hand, I think maybe she should know because this is something that we as a family are going to have to deal with and I know eventually it will happen again if not with my ex's family, it will happen with someone else, I'm sure and it is something that she needs to be prepared for. So, should I tell her the truth? Should I keep her when it is my time and not give any of it to her great grandparents? I've always tried to be fair and give them extra time and I've always treated them with respect, I just expect the same in return, is that too much to ask?
Please, anyone's opinion means alot to me, whether you are racist or not. Tell me what you think.
2 people like this
5 responses
@smallT (376)
• United States
7 Jul 08
Welcome to MyLot singlemom.
Unfortunately racism still exists in America. You just received your first dose of it. Just remember that their ignorance is their problem not yours. Don't let your daughter's great grandparents take your joy away from you or your children. It's a shame that they can't see past your little son's skin color. Think about it. Isn't it a silly thing? Try to ignore these great grandparents and hope that they will get over it. And if not, oh well, its their lost.
What would they do if you did not allow your daughter to visit them?
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
7 Jul 08
Thanks for your encouragement, I really appreciate it. A good friend of mine has always told me to ignore ignorance, so that is what I plan on doing. I talked to my mom about all of this earlier and she said the same thing you did, "Isn't it a silly thing?". Since last night, I've had a song in my head and I'm sure you know it, "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight." Last night, I laid my son in my bed and laid there and just watched him sleep and that song popped in my head. He is so beautiful and I know I'm his mother and I should think that he is, but darn it, he'd still be beautiful to me even if he wasn't mine. It's a shame that people can't look past a baby's skin color. None of us chose our skin color, God gave us the skin color that he wanted us to have and he loves all people with all colors of skin.
2 people like this
@CharRay7 (1549)
• United States
7 Jul 08
Hi,
I am so sorry to hear that you had to go thru this. How cruel!! I can't blame you for being really mad at your daughters great grandparents, but your daughter shouldn't suffer because of their racist views. You should probably still let your little girl go over her great grandparents, at least on your ex's weekends.
Is that the first time they have ever been around your little boy?
Unfortunately, your little girl is going to have to learn how to deal with racism and 7 is not too young. You need to be truthful to her how things are and try not to put down her great grandparents too much, even tho you might want to. Sooner or later (and probably sooner) one of her little friends will make a comment on her brother. She won't have any idea what they are talking about since she loves her brother and doesn't know any difference. She needs to be prepared for that.
Have a nice day!
Char
:-)
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
8 Jul 08
Just an update. I talked to my daughter earlier about racism. I think she understood. She did start crying and I told her that she did nothing wrong and that she should never feel bad because of the things that other people do or say. I told her that sometimes the people who do those things may be people that she loves, but that it doesn't make it right. I think she understands and I know she will do the right thing because she's got a mom who loves her and is trying to teach her the right thing to do. She's my girl!
1 person likes this
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
7 Jul 08
Hi Char,
Thanks for your response. This wasn't the first time they have ever been around my son, but it was the first time that he ever played with their grandchildren's toys. I felt as though they thought he might contaminate their toys or something. He's a baby, come on. I told my ex that he can take my daughter to visit his grandparents when it is his time with our daughter, but that I would no longer give up my time with her for his grandparents any more. I'm planning on having a talk with my daughter and trying to explain racism and how she should deal with it. I'm sure they have probably said stuff in front of her before but even if they haven't, I want to make sure that she is prepared. I will try to update after I talk to her.
Thanks Again,
Terri
1 person likes this
@irishidid (8687)
• United States
7 Jul 08
You should never have had to face something like that. I have two great nieces and a nephew that are mixed. They are always welcome and my family openly welcomes them.
I understand how you feel, but I don't think telling your daughter what happened is the right thing to do. As angry and upset you are these are still her family.
Make peace with the idea of how they feel because they aren't going to change.
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
7 Jul 08
Thank you for your opinion. Yes, I don't really want to tell my daughter. They are her family and even though they do have different "opinions" than I do, I know I am raising my daughter to not look at the color of anyone's skin, not just her brother's skin. She knows that he is mixed, yes, she didn't quite understand at first, but she understands a little better now. I feel that anything that they might do or say will eventually come out and if so, then it will be them who show her how they feel. I don't want her to get hurt by what they do or say, so if anything is done or said, it will be them, not me.
@emmbop82 (20)
•
8 Jul 08
I think that you are being very restrained in not subjecting your daughter to the knowledge of what's happened. At her age she wouldl't understand and would only be hurt and put in the middle by it. However, I can see why you are not happy to let her go to the house anymore, as she may be subjected to racist opinions which is obviously not the way you want her raised.
It is shocking to find that so many prejudices still exist in this modern society. Racism, sexism etc. are still prevolent. It's even more shocking to find it coming from people you trust, people you think of as family. It must be a very awkward situation for your ex, as he clearly doesn;t share his parents view's, and maybe even is embarrased by them. He is now stuck in the middle.
The problem here is, that some people are so prejudiced, they cannot get past it even for the sake of someone they love. It will be your daughter and her grandparents who suffer because of their inability to get past this and that is such a sad thing.
I wish I could offer you a solution, but there isn't one in this case that will make anyone involved happy. It's such a shame and I feel very sorry that you and your family have to go through this. I sincerely hope that your ex supports your decision and that this doesn't end up causing acrimony in your relationship.
All the best x
@emmbop82 (20)
•
8 Jul 08
I've just read your further comments and am pleased that you've managed to tackle this issue with your daughter in a way she can understand. You never know, maybe she will be able to bring some understanding to the older generation over time, in young innocent minds lies hope.
Glad to hear things are working out. Best wishes xx
@thebohemianheart (8827)
• United States
16 Jul 08
Perhaps the issue with your son is not that he is mixed but, that he is not your ex's family? However, to treat you and him that way is unacceptable to me.
However, please don't speak badly of your daughter's family in front of her. And, it doesn't seem, from what you have said, that you have.
In a way, I agree with you not giving up your time with your daughter for them but, since this is something she is used to, is it fair to her to take it away from her? Maybe you can start your own little traditions that will make her feel differently about missing those Sundays. Do something special with both your children on the Sundays that she is at home with you.
This is a very difficult situation and, I know it hurts you. I know your main concern is the feelings of your children. Just consider how having their routine, interrupted will be for them.
In the long run, all you can really do is love them, and do what you think is best for them.
Best of luck.
