Should i or should i not even dare to fall in the same hole
By Adeliza1220
@Adeliza1220 (877)
United States
July 15, 2008 2:01am CST
I had a relationship with my ex for about 5 years and half after going through so many jealousy problems (from him) and unfaithfullness I never really realized that he was just never going to change and always be the same. He was my highschool sweet heart and considered to be the love of my life the problem came up when i got pregnant and had failed to realize that we had never actualy discussed on what would happen if the situation came up, big mistake because not until the situation was in front of us did i realize we had different views. It was horrible i never knew the words that came out of his mouth would ever be said by anyone nor did i ever imagine someone would react so negatively to that. Of course i am against abortion and he is for it, we bumped heads. I was really upset because he acted so childlish i mean we aren´t super young he is 23. To avoid the situation he decided to go live with his father an hour away and dissapeared.Now he disrespected me, insulted me, and humiliated me in every form he could because he wanted me to go into a depression and abort the baby but regardless i still had my beautiful daughter. He was not there through out my whole pregnancy, never asked me if i needed any kind of support, or anything close to that but after i had my baby he constantly called me and finaly got to see her when she was 3 months because it took me a while to recover from my c'section and postpartum hemmorage. The day he saw her he told me he wanted to try to work things out for her sake but do you think one should try again especially when someone tells in a form as if they are forced,,, only for the baby do you really think one can work things out that way---- please give me some advice on what would be the best thing to do
1 person likes this
9 responses
@rsa101 (38335)
• Philippines
15 Jul 08
Well it really depends on you. You may be forgiving and forget everything in the past and move things back with him. But then there is a risk that things will not go and you would just return to the way things were since you have given him the chance to be forgiven. It would totally depend on how much you love that person and how can you forgive him and give him the second chance. I think the way he has hurt you badly is so intense that he totally abandoned you to be alone in life when the times you needed him the most. And, not that you were able to survive the ordeal he now comes begging for another chance. How convenient is that, what if there is another instance that happen to need his time and attention he will just abandon you again and after he sees that you are out of it then would ask for another chance.
@Adeliza1220 (877)
• United States
16 Jul 08
Well yes he has indeed reacted very childlish to the situation and always goes for the easy way thats why things are the way they are and to think of it, it is not a good idea to continue to fall in the same hole after i have dug myself out thank you for the advice.
@rsa101 (38335)
• Philippines
16 Jul 08
Nice decision you have in there. I am hoping that you and your daughter will have a great time together. I think your ex will have his time to realize what he has lost by having to abandon you. Be happy though that you have you daughter with you. She is your angel to make your life pretty complete and happy.
@TessWhite (3146)
• United States
16 Jul 08
My opinon? I'd give him the chance to develope a relationship with his daughter - carefully. Let him try and be a father to her as much as he can. But as far as working it out between you two, it really doesn't sound that promising to me. I don't think I could forgive the past or the fact that he wanted to abort the baby. And then there is the fact that he wasn't there at all during or even after the birth. Only three months later? Nah, I wouldn't give him the chance of a relationship if it was me.
@Adeliza1220 (877)
• United States
16 Jul 08
Well my plan is just that.. i want him to develop a special father daughter bond with his daughter even after everything he is her father. But in regards to us there is not going to be any of that going on any longer.. i am juss fed up with everything he has done because i have came to the conclusion that everything was against me in reality. Thanks for the advice.
@jennifer611 (2514)
• United States
15 Jul 08
I don't think I'd rush into a relationship with him again if it were me..
I mean not only did he try to push you into having an abortion (I applaud your decision to keep your beautiful daughter!!) but you say he was not faithful and he was jealous and whatever else..
do you want those issues back??
I mean, I am a believer that people can change, and maybe the birth of your daughter did change him. that would be great.
but I would keep in mind the way things were before and be very cautious.
if you do have those feelings for him still and think there may be a chance at something with him, then I would just start being friends.
go do things together with your daughter, let him spend time with her and try to let him build that father daughter bond with him. she does deserve that.
you could do things as a family so that he can be in her life and to also show you how he is. if he has really changed or not.
I wouldn't jump right in to it.
I'd actually give it some time, maybe a month, 2 months, 3 months... whatever it takes.
if it's all just a show to try to get you back then sooner or later he'll show his true colors. but if he is sincere then you will be able to see that.
if it's meant to be, it will work. and if it's not, then it wont.
hopefully you guys can get this worked out whether you are together or not.
if you can't be together then I really pray that you can build a friendship and be able to both still be in your daughters life either way.
Good Luck!!!!!
@Adeliza1220 (877)
• United States
16 Jul 08
Thank you for your advice on the friendship deal and to be very cautious,, you are right i should expect anything from him because he has came out with the craziest things and yet i have stood behind him. I always looked after his happiness and failed to see that i was not being treated as i should have been.
@Adeliza1220 (877)
• United States
16 Jul 08
THank you for your advice, he doesn´t even know what he wants and I don´t really want to waste any more time waiting for him to be ready and having to deal with all the stress he has put me there.
@Hatley (163773)
• Garden Grove, California
16 Jul 08
adeliza 1220 hi He may be twenty three but he has not really grown
'into an adult yet. You do not want to go back through all the pain he has caused so no it wont work if its just for the baby. he has to love you as much as you love him. no kick him to the curb and find a man who is grown up and loves you and your baby forwho youare.these men are out there you just have to look.
@Adeliza1220 (877)
• United States
16 Jul 08
THank you for the advice and you are correct.. he has not matured yet and I don´t want to continue being a part of his Monopoly game or whatever game he is trying to play.. i have played it for to long and tolerated soo much that ive gotten to a point to where i lost respect even for myself since he never has respected me as a human being...
@misty99 (736)
•
15 Jul 08
Partly it depends on you.You have to weigh things out.But for me......don't fall into it....not the second time.I don't think such person deserve a second chance.You have been through tough times-during your pregnancy and delivery without him.It's possible you can go and move on with your life with your baby without an irresponsible father.Five years is enough...don't waste the rest of your life with him.Don't marry this guy just because of your baby...you might regret it someday.Pray always!
@Adeliza1220 (877)
• United States
16 Jul 08
THank you for your advice, after reading the responses i have recieved i realize that after everything i have always tried to make things work just to keep him content, i have to think about me and my daughter and the reality is that he would do more harm than good and most likely dig another hole as before.
@James72 (26790)
• Australia
15 Jul 08
I think that deep down you already know the answer to this question! One thing to always remember is that a child would much rather BE from a broken home )so to speak) than LIVE in one! Secondly, you run an extremely high risk of having your child grow up to experience the same behaviours YOU spent five years combating and will think that these behaviours are perfectly normal. You can surely allow this man access to his child without having to embrace his full time involvement as a daily part of your own life as well. The fact that now the difficult experiences you faced have come and gone and he was nowhere to be found; yet NOW wishes to be back? This alone speaks volumes if you ask me! Once bitten twice shy I say...... Sorry to be so blunt but the chances of failure are WAY higher than the chance of success here. And this time it is not just you but your child that will suffer the consequences if things DO go pear shaped. Never, EVER settle for second best just because of a fear of being alone and a fear of the unknown. ESPECIALLY not where a child is involved.
@Adeliza1220 (877)
• United States
16 Jul 08
THank you for sharing your thoughts on my situation and i see exactly from where you are coming from.. you were not being blunt only giving me the reality in which i salute u because not alot of people believe it´s right to write the reality of what most likely is going to occur. I don´t want my daughter growing up with so much negativity, the only reason why i questioned this situation is because i grew within a family and i don´t really know how it is to grow up when your family is seperated, her fathers parents are divorced and he has always had a negative aspect of everything. Thank you for the advice
1 person likes this
@cryw0lf (1302)
• United Kingdom
15 Jul 08
My suggestion is to get a... whats the word? It's a legal document that basically say's he cant come within something like ---yards near you... I just can't remember the name.
You do not want this man in your life trust me. What kind of father do you think he is if he tried to spiral you into depression so you got rid of her? - That's disgusting.
I'm neither for or against abortions, i believe people have the right to choose... after all it is your body so it is your choice.
If he didnt want you're little girl when she was merely the embryo then why take a sudden interest? Plus couples should not JUST try to get back together because of a child. It's a risky business and you know how most end up... broken homes and hearts again. Do you really think your daughter deserves to be put through that? Put her and yourself first...
At the end of the day, all through the pregnancy and first three months. He was the father... not the dad.
I hope you make the right choice.
Good luck in whatever you do.
@Adeliza1220 (877)
• United States
16 Jul 08
Thank you for sharing your view and thoughts on my situation, the only thing is that i want to give him the opportunity to grow a bond between him and his daughter but thats about it, family wise we are not going to be. He always has taken me for granted and never really respected me so i should keep my distance.
@joyines (239)
• Singapore
15 Jul 08
my friend,
if thats the case dont u think that u have already wasted 5yrs of ur life.give everything to tha man and make him ur life before but turn out that he just dumped u so easily when u needed him most.for me time is so precious.i will only leave once and i cant afford to waste my time.i believe that if the only i love makes u less as a person he is not really meant for me.
however, i think the best decission in life that u can make is do what you think that is best for u and what will make u really happy.
@Adeliza1220 (877)
• United States
15 Jul 08
You are right time is very precious and i do acknoledge that he has treated me less than what is expected and sadly even after everything i still question what it could be, but reality is he most likely wont change and that would be like falling into the same hole i was in for 5 years.
