What would you do?
By girlXtreme
@girlXtreme (25)
United States
July 17, 2008 3:00pm CST
Im brand new here and not real sure how this works. Im going through some trials and tribulations so Im thinking this is a great way to get some advice so tell me honestly what would you do if it were you? I am a mother of 2, step mother of 2 more and Im married to someone Im not that compatible with. I have been on dialysis for a year and a half. I am an O- married to an O- but no tests have been run and nothing has been started to see about his donating me a kidney. now what you must all understand is that i firmly believe my life partner should WANT to extend my life for me so that I can watch my children grow up, graduate high school, college and etc. All this time I have been on dialysis Ive had to go through this process alone, Docters appointments, alone! More often than not if I have an alarm during the dialysis process that is out of my reach or if I need anything like a drink or a snack he snaps at me or just down right yells out of frustration of having to "do" for me. This leaves me feeling like the worlds biggest burden, you just can't imagine how lonely life is and I cna't seem to make him understand in long term realization. What i mean by this is we talk and I tell him how I feel but nothing ever changes and he "jumps through hoops" for the first week or two but then everything remains the same and its as if he throws a bandaid over the situation only the bandaid ALWAYS FALLS OFF. I know if I leave they'll take my machine away and I'll end up stuck in a dialysis clinic, unable to be home with the kids and I hate the thought of that! What would you do?
5 people like this
6 responses
@julietscreations (205)
• Philippines
17 Jul 08
Oh, Im sorry to hear your predicament. It really saddens me to read posts like this. It's really hard to be in your situation especially when the people you depend on are the ones who makes you feel worst. I just hope you have a support group in your area, this groups are composed of members who are having situations the same as yours. If ever you find one, you can join them and share your situation. Some church communities may be of help too. Try joining them, its really great to know that other people will pray for you once you join those groups. I always believe in the miracle of faith. When we cannot turn to anybody on earth, just look up, there is always God, though we always tend to treat Him as the last resort but then we can always consider Him to be the first to turn your burdens to. Accept my hands and join me is a short prayer. May the great power of God heal you. Cheer up! God loves you. Welcome to Mylot!!
@girlXtreme (25)
• United States
18 Jul 08
I do believe in the power of prayer and thats what keeps me going, well that and the kids. He really doesn't want to lose me but I just can't go through this this way! He made an appointment for a councelor but thats not til Aug 13! ! ! ! Im not so sure we can wait that long to start working on our issues and I wish he'd recognize the urgency of our situation and wake up but I really dont' see it happening.
1 person likes this
@Icyfairy (284)
• Saint Vincent And The Grenadines
17 Jul 08
wow. This is terrible. i really don't know wat i would do if i was in your position. i could only imagine how lonely you must feel. i think that the best thing you can do is talk to him and explain to him how he makes you feel and tell him how much it hurts. if he still does not change then i do not know wat else to tell you to do. if anything is wrong between me and my bf i just tell him wats wrong and we work it you. it usually takes a while to get the situation worked out but we keep at it till we have a situation that we can both live with. i hope that you and your husband get things worked out. good luck
2 people like this
@girlXtreme (25)
• United States
18 Jul 08
We have talked a thousand times and I keep saying the same things over and over but its like he thinks Im lying to him or somthing cause he never makes a move to change anything or to correct the problems we have and some of our problems have been there for years. So many times Ive said this isn't working we need counceling and I just can't live like this anymore somthings gotto change, but nothing ever changes. Well this time I really let him know and I kinda hurt his feelings but he's got to wake up cause MY life is too short for this crap. So he makes an appointment to talk to a councelor but not until Aug 13th and I find out that the appointment is with the councelor who canceled on me the last time I was depressed over my crappy marriage. Talk about a slap in the face. You can imagine how I am wondering how in the world I'm going to get through the next month. As if anyone here really cares.
1 person likes this
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
19 Jul 08
So, is he the only one that can be there for you when you do this? Is there no other friend, family member, etc. that could be your 'partner' for this? If not, then I can see your concern about being in a clinic 4 days a week. However, if there is someone else, then you need to tell him, if he can't step up to the plate, and be the husband, for sicker for poorer, then there is no reason to stay married. Maybe he is scared, but then again, maybe he just doesn't want to deal with it either. Did all of this come about after you were married?
2 people like this
@girlXtreme (25)
• United States
19 Jul 08
yes it all came about after we were married. We've been married for five years this August and I've been on dialysis since Feb of 07 (about a year and a half). Its hard to find people to "babysit me" for hours on end and nevermind the fact it makes me feel like a giant burden to everyone.
1 person likes this
@girlXtreme (25)
• United States
18 Jul 08
I run in home hemo dialysis. I stick my own needles, draw my own labs and basically do everything a dialysis nurse does only with out the great pay and I do all this alone. His insurance covers me but I am entitled to medicaid because I am in end stage renal failure. When I say they'll take my machine away I mean exactly that. I can't run alone - it requires a dialysis partner (safety first). I stick very large needles into a main arterial vein in my leg. It runs a litlle on the dangerous side some times. If they took away my machine I would end up in a clinic 4 days a week where Im not allowed to stick my own needles. Its not fair really but thats my life. Its hard to say if I'd be better off or not cause right now Im feeling trapped because of the disease. It all comes full circle really.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
19 Jul 08
girlextreme you married a jerk andyou need him like an extra
hole in the head. divorce him but first line up any family members who can help you and be there for you and prevent anyone fromtaking away your dialysis machine. then file for divorce on grounds of mental cruelty and get rid of mr jerk who c annot loved youo if he cannot help you with your dialysis. you need family help so get it now then get rid of the jerk.
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
18 Jul 08
Not knowing your new husband, i'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Perhaps he is scared that he will have to/need to give you a kidney? But shouldn't that be OK with him? His one kidney will ultimately save his wife, the step mother of his children, and the mother for your children. There is a lot to be saved with his one kidney.
I would ask your nephrologist to speak with him.
Joining a support group is an excellent idea, too.
I'm sure you won't be the only one there sharing that your life partner does not want to be involved.
Not for health reasons, but I remembered just now: one time in san francisco, the loneliest time I ever experienced was loving someone who didn't love me.
God Bless!
1 person likes this
@girlXtreme (25)
• United States
18 Jul 08
finally someone gets it! I told him I think he loves the idea of me because what he says and what he shows are two completely different emotions. Its real easy to tell someone you love them but when you never show love the way a husband should it leavs me believing those honest true forever kind of feelings just don't exist for him.
2 people like this
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
19 Jul 08
sad: the truth.
yes, and it looks like you "get" it, too from your response to me.
i looked at your photo with your daughter.
what a beautiful, calm, open, trusting face you have.
does he "see" you ?
the most important thing is your health and wellbeing...and for your children.
please, please let me know when/if you are able to find a support group.
ask your nephrologist for a list, too.
1 person likes this
@paisleylass (440)
• United States
19 Jul 08
Ii dont undestand why they would take your dialyses machine away. You need to talk to your doctor about the situation, maybe even a couselor. With or without your husband. Pray, God hears, He wilelp youand help you understand whats going on, at least give you his peace, which will help hou through. Do you have family yo could stay wwith for a while.
