Keeping Confidences
By gemini_rose
@gemini_rose (16264)
July 20, 2008 4:28pm CST
If my children are naughty in the day when their Dad is at work and they know that they have upset me, they always say to me "Please don't tell Dad" now their Dad is not a strict man but he will not stand for messing about and he shouts and they hate being shouted at!
Sometimes if they have a little worry at school and I finally manage to get it out of them what is bothering them they sometimes ask me "not to tell Dad". There are lots of times when they have said something to me and asked me "not to tell Dad".
The only time I have ever told their Dad something they ask me not too is when they have been really really naughty to the point where I am so overwhelmed that I cannot take anymore. This is usually when my eldest is about though and he makes things ten times worse, and I say to them " I am sorry but I am telling Dad because you have been so naughty that I need to talk to someone about it".
But anything else they tell me in confidence I never say a word, purely because I want them to feel they can trust me and tell me their worries and problems without fear of me telling anyone else.
Do your children ever ask you "not to tell" their other parent something they tell you?
How do you handle it? Do you keep their confidence or do you break it because you feel it is wrong to keep something away from their other parent?
8 people like this
21 responses
@sk66rc (4250)
• United States
21 Jul 08
If my daughter does something wrong, usually she's the first one to tell me when I get home that she's done something wrong... She knows if I had found out about it through someone else, like my girl friend, she'd be in more trouble... I've always tought her to live upto her mistakes... Granted she's only 8 so I don't expect her to be perfect... But now she knows to tell me & take on responsibilities & consquencies when she's done something wrong... I know that it can sounds really harsh but we all had enough talks to know better...
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
21 Jul 08
That is really good, I am impressed that you have that level of trust with her. She must feel really comfortable in her relationship with you, there is no way I would have admitted to my parents that I had done something wrong I would have just been in so much trouble. I hope that my children feel able to come to me like that as they are older xx
1 person likes this
@sk66rc (4250)
• United States
23 Jul 08
I know I could be sortta "anal" when it comes to my daughter but I guess it's the way I was raised... She's no different than any other 8 year old, she cries & moans & at times throws a tantrum... And at times, I let her... After all, she's a kid & she needs to be a kid... It's just that little things in between that I try to make it clear... This way, in the future, if she ever makes a mistake, I want her to know & able to come to me & count on me with out hesitation... She knows whatever the punishment I give her isn't gonna be anywhere near how bad it could be if she ever ends up in a spot that she can't get out of... By the way, thank you for your compliment... Yes, we do have very good trust going... We kindda have to being that I was a single dad... I know I can always count on my girl friend as well... She's been a best mother she could've had... I have her to thank as well for the relationship me & my daughter have...
@jpso138 (7851)
• Philippines
21 Jul 08
Well, I guess you are in the same situation as my wife. When my child do some naughty things he usually ask my wife not to tell me. My wife would tell me secretely. But in cases like this my wife would tell my child that she will not tell me as long as he does not do it again. So in a way, she develops the child confidence and trust in her and in one way would also be disciplining my son. If ever he does naughty things again, then my wife would tell me and will be doing some talking to my child to discipline.
1 person likes this
@jpso138 (7851)
• Philippines
22 Jul 08
Well, I guess both of you are doing the right thing. I think that is one way to develop confidence and trust. Discipline is the key to becoming a responsible adult, and usually it should start early. Same thing with trust, we must gain the trust of our children, that way, communication is always open and that this would lead to a closer relationship. Thanks!
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
21 Jul 08
What your wife does is what I sometimes do, tell hubby in secret and tell the kdis I will not say anything as long as they are good from now on. I do feel that confidence have to be built up in children as it does in adults, children really are no different.
1 person likes this
@newtondak (3946)
• United States
21 Jul 08
I do not believe it is a good thing to keep secrets of any kind from your spouse, especially when they have to do with the children. This scenario creates the "good parent, bad parent" situation and harms the child's relationship with the other parent.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
21 Jul 08
Not when it comes to behaviour perhaps, but when it comes to a confidence about something in their personal lives then I think that is different.
@blackmantra_x (2732)
• Philippines
21 Jul 08
good day.. I'm not a parent yet but one of young cousin did something bad. She sneak a few dollars from my wallet and I found out about it. I know my uncle and he'll not tolerate it and I know she'll have a good scolding. Knowing her she's close to her father and don't want to ruin it. I confronted her, told her about the wrong she did until she admitted it and cried saying she's sorry and won't do it again, I told her I will let this one go as long as she won't do it again but if ever she do I'll tell her father and tell him also about her first offense. Good thing she learned her lesson and never did it again.
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
21 Jul 08
Yes unfortunately some children do go through a stage of stealing from their parents, I too went through that stage with my eldest son. It passes as long as it is dealt with in the right way.
1 person likes this
@zeenat1 (25)
• India
21 Jul 08
Hi,
i tries my best for handling child's all activities,i tries to become his friend for avoiding comunication gap between us and make him free for sharing his activities in school or out side home,kind hearted mother and strict father.when i feels i m unable to handle then i tells to his father.aftre all worse is always worse.i cant neglect.or hide from father.
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
21 Jul 08
I am sure you are doing the best for your child, thanx for sharing xx
1 person likes this
@click50 (68)
• United States
21 Jul 08
Children often ask to keep certain things from one parent or the other. And the answer of whether to tell or not really depends on what is being said. For instance, if a child broke a house rule and you already disciplined them, there really is no need to share that with your spouse. If on other hand there is a major problem like failing school etc. then you really have to speak with your spouse.
It is great that they can come to you in confidence.
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
21 Jul 08
I agree with you, if they are disciplined on a matter then there is no point in discussing it with a partner, but if they are disciplined and disobey again then it does need to go to the other parent.
I want them to be able to come to me, too many kids cannot talk to their parents and end up in trouble. My eldest tells me everything, I just hope I can get the other three to do the same.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (38166)
• Philippines
21 Jul 08
Well I think you should earn the trust of your children. But I also think that you should confide that to your husband because he needs to know what is happening in your household. Maybe you just tell your husband that he need not react if its not too serious its just to inform him about what is happening in the house while he is at work. Just reserved those shouting when there is a need for it but for petty things I really do not think the father should always do it because there may come a time that your children may become immune from being shouted at and become less effective in them. I guess it would also lessen the stress too if your husband will be irritated every now and then.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
21 Jul 08
Thanx for your words and thanx for responding xx
1 person likes this
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
22 Jul 08
Hi gemini,
Personally, when I was growing up I am also scared to my Dad..LOL! He is strict when we were young but he is very loving and good and spend a lot of time with us..He just don't ignore when we make mistakes..I have not tried begging my MOm not to tell Dad..and I know they talked a lot about my younger sister and I!
I believed that it is better to let your husband know their behavior. But, encourage him to not to punish them nor confront them using your name..Maybe he just need to ask them, how's their day? were they be good? what have they done to help you? things like that!
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
22 Jul 08
The best part is they are not scared of him, in fact he is for the main part as soft as anything but he has his moments.
@mummymo (23706)
•
23 Jul 08
This one is a minefield isn't it sweetheart! In my case it depends on the situation whether it is something their fathers need to know or whether they are in danger etc BUT I will always tell them that I am going to or have told their dad - that way they know I won't go behind their back and I have to admit it is usually very serious if I do tell. With the oldest i usually make him tell his Dad himself if he has gotten into trouble or there is a problem that his Dad really needs to know. There was a big issue that I knew about for a long time and whilst I encouraged him to tell his Dad he didn't feel as though he could and I didn't push it , eventually he came to me and asked me to tell his Dad and since I knew he was really nervous about his Dads reaction I did tell him - luckily the outcome was very positive! xx
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
23 Jul 08
Yes it is a minefield and we all deal with it differently, I just remember how I used to feel when I told my Mum something, asked her not to tell Dad and she did anyway and then he would take the mick out of me. Simple solution, dont tell them anything. I want mine to be able to feel they can come to me and trust me with whatever they want to tell me.
@Monkeyrose (2840)
• Canada
21 Jul 08
hmmm.. Well I don't have kids and probably never will.. so I can just tell my opinion. Maybe your husband should work on not shouting at your children. This would improve their relstionship with him and eliminate this little problem.
I think that holding secrets is not a good thing. There are some things you don't need to mention but if he asks you should be straightforeward.
I think it would be a good idea not to agree that its a secret with your children. In a way you are undermining his parental authority and helping make him the "bad guy".
Anywho .. just my two cents.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
21 Jul 08
LOL I got 2 cents worth that time! Again thanxs for your input much appreciated xx
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
21 Jul 08
gemini rose I did not have that problem as my husband was
more of a push over than I was,in fact sometimes they would go tomy husband and say dont tell mommy as I was the one who
would shout more. but we did not have really a lot of
problems with our kids they were pretty well behaved for
'kids at their ages.
@ruby222 (4847)
•
20 Jul 08
Well as our children got older im afraid to say that we had a good few little secrets that we didnt let Dad in on,and for no other reason than the fact that he would make such a fuss it was easier not to tell him!!all of the secrets were small and nothing of any great consequence,but we knew that they would be blown out of all proportion.Sometimes its just taking the easy way out,and maybe to some its wrong,but we just do what we feel is right at the time!!
@LouiseKnittel (4764)
• United States
20 Jul 08
I would explain to them that their fther is your partner in reaising them. He has to know what goes on in their lives daily
@iamvivin (3)
• India
21 Jul 08
my children never ask to hide anything from me bcoz i dont always shout at them. i think u shud tell ur husband wen something serious comes up. tell him not to shout at the kids but tell them calmy not to do it again . also tell not to hide anything from him and to obey their mother. i think this shud help
@ebsharer (5515)
• United States
25 Jul 08
I know for me growing up I didn't want my mom to tell my dad things becuase I didn't want him to be dissapointed in me. I think then I felt it was out of fear not because my dad would raise a hand to be but just that I'm telling you dad always made me wonder would I be in even more trouble?! I now realize that it was more then just being in more trouble it was about the not wanting to dissapoint him.
I think that moms can handle a lot of situations where there is no reason to tell dads. I mean think about it if "jack" spilled some milk would you tell your husband? Probably not in less you were talking about your day and it came up.
If its a situation where your (not your child directly) child "beat some one up" in school yeah I would tell "daddy". But if its the every day sibling fights or opps I broke the lamp then probably not.
One thing I would suggest is telling your husband that the kids don't like it when he yells - see what he says - He may be like me and not even realize he is doing it.
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
23 Jul 08
Since my 6 yr old son is with me most of the time because his dad travels a lot, I do most of the disciplining and it stops there with me. The only time I tell his Dad is when his behavior gets out of hand and whatever I do and say doesn't work, then Daddy gets involved. It has only happened a few times.
If it's something in general my son wants to tell me in confidence then I keep it to myself. I may suggest he tells his Dad but I leave that up to him. It really depends on what it is though.
@tessah (6617)
• United States
20 Jul 08
only my elder spawn has ever asked i not tell.. and only once, as my reply was im not going to lie to yer father for you. i dont consider it breaking a confidence or "tattling" theres this thing called co-parenting.. ya know, where both parents are actually parents and not just one to bring home a check and the other to deal with all parenting situations. im of the school of both parents needing to be aware of their children in order to BE good parents, and the only time i will keep a secret, is if they show me what theyve gotten him for his birthday or fathers day or some other such surprise. the littlest one has never asked.. and i dont think she ever will. she knows already that her father and i hold no secrets from each other on anything, and that includes them. she will talk to me more when he isnt around simply because for the moment shes more comfortable talking girlie stuffs with mommy out of earshot of the man of the house. but she knows full well the information is passed along to him always.. and i think she expects it, even wants it.. so she doesnt have to be the one doing the telling, but still knows her daddy is aware of her life.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
25 Jul 08
I think that with me, my parenting for my children comes off how I felt as a child when my parents did things that I considered wrong.
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
21 Jul 08
Our children know that my wife and I discuss things. Though they may feel more comfortable talking either to my wife or myself about certain things, they know that many times we talk about it with the other spouse. I suppose though that there are times when things are not mentioned to the other spouse.
@relundad (2310)
• United States
20 Jul 08
Hu gemini_rose, I think we have 2 different things going on here. One if they are asking me not to tell because they are trying to go unpunished for their actions then I don't consider that the same as keeping something in confidence. I think kids know early on who is the real disciplinarian and its probally not you. They figure out that your way of dealing with the situation is gonna be much easier.
If my child told me something that is about some other topic dealing with them or their feelings then I would keep it in confidence.
So you have to be able to tell whether they are looking for an easy way out or sharing something of confidence.
@CornishAustin (147)
•
20 Jul 08
I would like to know what my kids have been up to, especially if my loved one doesn't seem to be making any difference. I remember when I was a child, Mum shouting at me when I did wrong made some difference but when Dad shouted at me I really stood up and paid attention! I never liked it when he shouted at me, but I was never fearful of him.
