I want to save my marriage - ideas?

My new friend, I only just saw this discussion and am sorry that I missed it earlier. I don't really have any advice about your marriage, because every single marriage is different. However, I do think there is hope because he says he doesn't know. It's like he is looking for a reason for it to work out, but is going through some kind of personal crisis. If he really wanted to leave, he would just leave. It might be passe now, but I can recommend the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I re-read it recently, and surprisingly it has helped us get over a trouble spot, even though my husband hasn't read a word of it. Most importantly, you are beautiful and special. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise. This is not your fault. Your husband has had lots and lots of time to mull this over in his own head - you have only had a few weeks to come to grips with it. No wonder you're confused!

Hello ebsharer, I admire your decision to stick to the marriage and willing to work out even if your partner is not cooperating with what you want to happen. I'm sure your husband still loves you based on what you said, she gives you a card on your anniversary stating that "NEW BEGINNING". No offense but I could tell that there is something in your attitude that your husband don't like and he is sick of it. Sometimes, women talks too much. Nagging and keep on repeating the discussion all the time. You said, you keep on talking and he is quiet but when he can't bear it anymore he has a loud burst. You know your weaknesses that your husband do not like in you. If we want a change, we will start it in ourselves. We will not require others to do the same. We must have a big room to understand others, no judging, hurting words, or negative comments of anything when we see something we don't like. ACCEPTANCE each other's attitude could help. No comments or insults if we see something we don't like. My husband has so many things I don't like but I don't insult him. Instead I look for good things he does and admire or appreciate him. That's what he said, He needs appreciation and I could tell he is happy when I do that. One thing he told me, He doesn't like to see me gaining weight. So.. what I can share is that, be sweet to your husband, no nagging, talking too much wouldn't help. Stay sexy and appealing to him, take good care of him and his needs. Make a change in YOU. Don't force him to change himself, he will eventually do that if he can see your changes. Be positive and happy all the time. You can do it because you are have the determination to hold on to the marriage and you said you will do everything. GOOD!!!

I am going to give you an opinion (or experience) from a guy's point of view. It is also, of course, my personal experience, so it may or may not be relevant. I have been married for 39 years. About 5 years ago, when my youngest child turned 18 and was talking of getting married, I realised with horror that, for at least the last 20 years, I had been using the kids as a barrier or go-between between myself and my wife and that I had not felt comfortable in her company for a long time. It's not that I hated her - it was more a lack of the feeling that I felt should be love: enjoying and wanting someone else's company. I felt that, basically, I had made a mistake in marrying her. Sure, we have three lovely kids who appear to be well-balanced and 'grown up' in their way. They are a joy to my life, indeed, but something must have changed because I now see their mother as becoming 'all mothering' ... in other words, she clucks and mother-hens over me as well and I dislike that intensely! Either I have changed or she has (or maybe both) and I don't see that I can give her the companionship that she needs nor do I see her giving me the kind of incentive or sparky relationship that I seem to want. You can, perhaps, guess that, after 39 years of marriage, I am no spring chicken and am, indeed, recently retired. Retirement was a blow and also felt like a new beginning. I think, in many ways, I feel younger and more alive now than I did at 30 and that is probably what is bugging me. Now, you have been married four years. You need to ask yourself very carefully what marriage actually means to you. Is it the actual framework of married life (the security and predictability) that is really important? Imagine, for example, that your husband were replaced by another (hypothetical) male who did the same day-to-day habitual and sometimes apparently caring things, would you be happy to go on as before or would the fact that this was not the man you married be a big problem? We are all individuals and, as such, we all have different things that are important to us. In a marriage (or, indeed, any other kind of relationship) we agree to assume that some (but rarely all) of our goals and important things are compatible, at least - never make the mistake of assuming that they are identical! At different times of our lives, different issues come to the fore and others tend to recede. This is an individual thing and often a relationship is built (by one or the other person) so rigidly that it doesn't allow for our own changes, let alone those of the partner. You want to 'save your marriage'. In all of what you said, you never mentioned the word 'love' once, though I imagine you would say "Well, of course I love ...". The big question is, whom or what do you really love? Your marriage? Your husband - as he was when you married him or as he is now? Did you, perhaps, 'fall in love' with an image you had of this guy and how it would be to be married to him? These are things that, though it may be painful to contemplate, you really owe it to yourself to be asking. Your husband has said that he is not happy and (by the number of 'I don't know's he uses), he may not be entirely sure what 'happiness' is except that it is not where he's at at the moment. If you truly love him (and not some image that is in your mind), then you will accept that he needs to find out what exactly will make him feel happy. Even if he thinks that his solution would be another woman/person, though you don't imply that, then your love should ideally allow him to test that option - or any other that he feels might answer. At the moment he seems to be in denial of the relationship that you have together. Is it because you have dictated the parameters of it and he feels that he has had not enough say? The fact is that you do have a relationship and always will have. It may be one that he (and, maybe eventually, you) will want to put in the past but it is still a relationship from which both of you, hopefully, will have learned. How much that learning is a negative or positive thing for each of you, depends a great deal on how lovingly you deal with it now.

Before I answered, I read some responses here and my frank opinion is that your effort is not worth it anymore and don’t blame yourself for that. I felt like crying when I read your response to Floridachick wherein you say that your hubby doesn’t find you attractive anymore and you are trying to lose pounds…oh but why, why is it that around the globe it’s the same with us women bending backwards to accommodate every whim and fancy of the guys dammit you’re his wife, not some fancy mannequin or model on the ramp. And if he doesn’t find you attractive, then he doesn’t know the inside of you and that’s too bad for him and not for you or us. My advice is forget counseling, call your attorney and start proceedings for the best financial deals possible. Screw him financially as tight as you can and let us know how it goes… Believe (and I know this is hard) there is no turning around once they start saying ‘ummmmmmm I don’t know…’ they KNOW EVERYTHING, what they want and how they want and with whom. Ba*stards Wish I could hug you right now

you can only save a relationship that both people want to save. I mean if you are going to counseling continue to do that. see how that works out. but you can't keep anyone in a relationship if they don't want to be in one. the most important thing to do is be honest with yourself. know that it's not your job to make him happy. he has to be happy with who he is and then want to share that with you. once you sit down and be totally honest with yourself then be honest with him. honesty is the key. not anger or fear. after that if he wants to go then honey you have to let him go. i know that is not what you want to hear, but i am telling you girl it's the truth and the only way you are going to be able to deal with what ever happens. be honest with yourself then him, and if he wants to go let him go with love.

ebsharer- hi! How can you hold onto a brick walk or move a mountain? You can't. When you talk to your husband, he won't respond, it's like talking to a brick wall. You've asked him over and over again to try and work things out with you. He's not going to change his mind. You can't move a mountain and you can't change someone's mind. Go ahead and make him file for the divorce. It will cost him more money than it will cost you. If it comes down to that bitter end, you'll finally have one victory. Are you holding onto the memory of who he was or who you think he was? Take a good look at who he is today and listen to what he's telling you.

If I could answer that I'd still be with my first husband instead of where I'm at now. We started having problems right after our son was born. He got stressed about the whole "family responsibility" thing, the more he pulled away, the more I pulled him back in (which was really just making him pull away further). It was a vicious cycle that went on for months. After that little episode we settled in for a couple months but then we moved. That's when the "you need to change" stuff started (mind you this was around our 1st anniversary). I worked on things and tried to make him happy...it worked. Then I got a job to take some financial stress off him. It seemed like the right thing to do...until his insecurities started. In the next 6 months I had a total of 3 jobs none lasting more than one month. The first and second jobs he restricted the hours I could work by not being available to watch the kids even though he'd agreed to when I got hired. The third job I was forced to leave because I was making enough money to leave him and he felt threatened. Things settle down again for a short time and I got pregnant again. Most of the pregnancy things were good. We even started looking for a nicer home to put on our land. But once the baby was born everything immediately fell apart again...the day after we came home from the hospital he went to the bar "for an hour or two" to celebrate his birthday, he came home at 7am. That next night he went out with my current s/o (lol yes I did the "husband's best friend thing" after the divorce!) and didn't come home until 8 am. Basically I was on my own with 3 small children because he either worked, slept, or went out. I was still doing everything I could to keep him happy but it wasn't working (I was being "too clingy" when I made him dinner ever night and expected him to come home but I was a bad wife when I quit bothering because he rarely came home at dinner time anyway) Anyway when our daughter was just 6 months old I'd had enough of the no win situation. I gave up. I left him a few months later. And ultimately he realized how badly he'd behaved and wanted me back. I didn't go through with it because I didn't believe him...now we're several years later. We both see our mistakes but don't know what to do about them since we're both in relationship we can't really leave. I know I've rambled and none of my issues may have anything to do with yours. I think it's great that you want to save your marriage but your zealousness might be freaking your husband out. He's definitely got issues he needs to work out. You are a wonderful person for trying to make him happy and make lots of changes but when will it end? Are you willing to lose yourself, the woman he married in the first place in an attempt to please the man he is now? Maybe it will work but more than likely you will wind up resentful and he'll claim that you aren't the woman you used to be (men are just as fickle as women). If I could do things over again I would sit my hubby down and tell him to listen to me and don't say a word. I would then tell him that I knew we were both unhappy, that we both had things to work on, and that our marriage wasn't working out. I'd then tell him that we had 6 months (or 3 months) to figure out what we should do. In that time we would see a counselor and spend a lot of time on making plans. The emphasis would not be on saving the marriage but on a workable future as a family, together or not, since their were children involved. I think if we had given ourselves time to face and deal with the realities of divorce without the pressure of saving the marriage, we could have solved things.

I wouldn't know what to do if my husband told me one day out of the blue that he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. I would automatically think there was another women in his life or he has just had enough of "US" and wanted out. I would want him to tell me why he felt this way, all the things he wasn't happy about and what he would suggest would make him happy to keep our marriage together. I would get him to talk to me and open up and tell me why he feels this way - all out honest deep conversation, no ifs or buts, bring it all out on the table and go from there. If he's not willing to open up to you, then I'm not sure there is anything you can do to save your marriage. He needs to be honest and upfront and so do you. That's probably where I would start.

ah that is a tough situation. People are happy or unhappy as they choose to be. as far as spice - I think that is a big part of the problem for many marriages - the expectation of excitement and "spice" and then the let down when it ceases... Reality is it can not always be that way and as a marriage matures and family and responsibilities change so do the other dynamics. The best thing is what you said .... that is not an option. stick with it. marriage is not dissolved because of boredom or laxity or even because of divorce. something is going on with your husband, some sort of crisis. try to stay compassionate despite the temptations that come with this sort of revelation and shock which is so injurious.

I don't know how to save a marriage if one person doesn't want to. I can't really offer much knowledge into this because my marriage isn't in the best of shape either. I do know from my first marriage that if one person doesn't really honestly want the marriage to work, it can't. I am not saying give up but you will have to fight very hard to save it and make him want to stay. Best of luck to you!

It sounds like prior to him asking for the divorce that you guys lacked in communication. And that is always the root of the problem. If the two of you had been communicating you would not have been bamboozeled by his statement. Often times when we are in a relationship we get in and stop talking about our likes,dislikes,wants, desires etc. And we assume that since all is well with us that it must be the same way for our partners. But unless you ask you don't know. We tend to take so much for granted. We think that its enough to say that we will love each other for life. We don't realize that we have to work really hard at ensuring that it happens. Time doesn't ensure that. I think that marriage counselors serve the purpose of a non-interested party but in truth, the two of you know how and why you got to that point. If you can ever get past the denial of the situation and make a conscious effort to correct them. I suggest that you first start working on your communciation skills. I know that its a really hard place to start but you had it before and you can get it again if both people are willing to work it out and not try to find blame. Ask him where it started to go down hill and from there build. And the same from you. Hopefully you can both end up on the same page. Realize that often when a person wants out of the relationship its not because they don't love you anymore, its because they want what they had before. They want love to feel like it used to. They wanna still feel like they are the center of your life. They still want to feel like you are working to keep the relationship alive. The day to day hustles and bustles of life seem to make everything and every body else a priority. We assume that our partners will always be there and we can get back to them when all else is well. But for a successful relationship you need to make home your priority and all other stuff will fall into place.

As hard as it may be , you should not want to be with a man who does not want to be there. I made my husband promise me to never stay around if he does not want to. Yes i do believe you should do everything in your power to keep your marriage going but you can only do so much.. good luck ( you may end happier than ever!)

Have you ever ask him why he is not happy. Have you ever thought that maybe he has someone else. If that's the case... would you still fight for him. Just let him go...and if he realize how important you are... he will come back to you. Sometimes to work things out is to let things go. He just don't know for now your importance in his life. Let him experience a life without you. And when he chooses to be free...it's not your lost. It's his. Meanwhile make yourself more beautiful and sexy.

Well for a change I will say this. I am a man that is trying to save my marriage from eternal damnation. I strayed a few years ago and my wife can't forgive me for it and she can't forget about the past. I am doing things that no other man would do to try and save his marriage. I don't know what to do right now. I moved almost 100 miles away from her for one of these trial seperations. I want nothing more than to be with her and our son. I can give you some advice though, go to this website. It has helped me become more creative and its amazing what you will find. www.lovingyou.com if anyone has advice for me it would be great. any female advice would be wonderful.

I am just sad to see any marriage go away just like that. I really do not know what the real facts are there to make your husband feel that it's not working anymore. Is there a child that is invloved? Or a third party is the most likely cause of such being so disinterested in your partnership. Was the marriage forced upon him? There are really many questions i would like to kow to really pass judgment between the two of you. But for me, when one party is already saying 'It's not working anymore' I don't really see any future in that. He even showed to that he wasn't really interested in patching things up in front of a counselor which means there is nothing to patch up anymore. It would be hard what happened in the four years of marriage there may be something that triggered that made it what it is today. But I do still h ope that he would change his mind but the way you describe him in your post he really is determined to give up the commitment he made four years ago.`

Well hun, I know some of what I am going to say may not be what you are looking to hear as I know in your heart of hearts you want to save your marriage. I know that you are right to want to fight for what you have, I think any woman would do the same. The thing is, this marriage can only be saved if you are BOTH willing to work on it. It doesn't sound like he is. I am sorry but him saying he doesn't find you attractive anymore is a pretty big thing, not only is it hurtful and rude towards you, but it does send a pretty big signal that he has fallen out of love with you because if you truely love someone for who they are, you really aren't going to notice too much that they have gained weight, and if you do notice, it isn't apt to bother you. I am sure that with pregnancy and marriage he too has put on a couple pounds, tell me does that bother you? Would you ever stop loving him because of the physical changes since you met? likely the answer is probably not. I think that you should not be having to jump through hoops to please any man, even your husband. Every extra pound says that you were able to carry children, love them and nurture them to life outside of you, that should earn respect and adoration, not anything less. The thing is here HE said HE is not happy...So I don't think that there is anyway for YOU to do more than you have tried to save your marriage. HE has to figure out will make HIM happy, what would make him WANT to stay, how HE could fall in love with you again, then you need to figure out if what it would take is what you are willing to try/do, without demeaning, or harming your mental/emotional self. Because going through this all or not...you have children, and you cannot sacrifice your mental/emotional self because they need you. Your one and only commitment in this world is those kids. I will add a bit more that I think could help you as getting started discussions with hubby. I just have to go take my sister to work. Bless you, this is a very difficult place for you to be, and I have been there so I feel for you alot.

I have seen this happen to a far too many women and it really takes both people to make a marriage work and he has given up. Guys just seem to get it in their head that they aren't happy because the honeymoon years are over and think divorce is the easy way out instead of working things through. He is the only one who really knows why and whether he is telling you the real reasons you may never know. If he is in a rush, I would throw it out there that he is getting attention from another woman. I admire that you are going to fight for him and are letting him know that this is not what you want to happen. Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself: Do you really want to be with someone who isn't giving you what you deserve? How many more years are you going to feel like you wasted on him if he is not willing to work in your marriage as hard as you are? Good luck - you sound like a devoted loving wife and it would be his loss!

Well, let's see. I have been married and divorced and remarried. There was abuse in my prior relationship though. My ex REFUSED to go to marriage counseling, he said that it was my fault I was unhappy or my fault that I had any problem with him. He would not admit to anything being even partially his responsibility. OH, and he didn't want any children. EVER. I would have gone to counseling, I was thinking about going by myself for myself to try and figure things out. I had gone from the point where I hated myself and felt like a bad person and a failure as a wife and a woman to realizing that he caused me to feel that way by projecting all of his problems on me instead of trying to figure out how to solve them. I'm a solver, if things are 'not right', I want to fix them. I want to see what I'm doing to hurt or cause a situation and take care of what *I* can do, know what I mean? What kind of issues are you having, such as what subjects? My largest one that resulted in the divorce was his stance on kids, which was never going to change. That was the deciding factor for me. The other secondary one was the verbal abuse because it was not getting better, if anything it got worse and I was sick of it. Verbal and emotional abuse leads to physical abuse, he had broken things and started threatening my friends. IF you can get him to go to counseling, together as well as some separate sessions, maybe he can come to terms with all this 'I don't know' stuff. He might be saying that but I don't think in marriages that people really don't know. They have an idea, sometimes the ideas are scary though so they just supress them. I will warn you, HE has to be influential in coming together with you to compromise and save this marriage. If he refuses to admit any responsibility and doesn't seem willing to make any changes in order to save things, it will not happen. There was nothing I could do to change my ex, if I could have fixed things by myself I would have tried! As far as keeping the spice in my current relationship, we try to have a 'date' now and then, at least once a month, more often if the opportunity presents itself or we aren't so busy. We have time in the evening we spend together every night, we generally eat dinner together. We try to snuggle up often when the kids are asleep. It's really just about making the relationship a priority, asking questions, making sure things are okay with each of us on a continual basis.

In saving your marriage both of you should work together.If its one sided it would be hard for you to save it specially when he refused to do things that would help your marriage to work.Theres something wrong but i couldn't tell.Only you and him knows about it.If you still want him maybe you should do things that would help him convinced to stay with your marriage.I know no one could be a perfect wife but you can try.Do all your responsibilities liker cooking, cleaning the house, take care of your children and also do your responsiblities for him.Take care of his needs and desire.Do anything to please him.If these things still won't work, i guess something is holding him to keep your marriage.

if you guys dont really have a history of butting heads and you seemed to think your marriage was pretty good, chances are, he is having an affair. Have you asked him about this? Even if he denies it, tell him that you guys have a history together and if he is preparing to throw his marriage away for another woman, let him know you are willing to work through and forgive him if that is the case. Tell him if he is doing this for another woman, there is lots of unknowns with another woman, but with you, he has offered a life long commitment and you want him to honor that and work through any issues. You must be willing to work through it as well if he does come clean and tell you he is seeing another woman. Often, people stray and feel they are now comitted to the person they strayed with and think they have done something aweful and have no choice but to end the marriage. Good luck to you..I feel for you.