How far are you willing to go to protect your child?
By blogging2
@blogging2 (201)
United States
July 25, 2008 12:05pm CST
I know we all agree that we would do anything to protect our children from any harm that we can. Here is my situation...
OK we have a family member who has A LOT of displaced anger. This anger is directed at my husband for whatever reason. The family member was abused when he was younger by an uncle (that is what the other family members have told us), and blames my husband for not protecting him. The family member went so far as to cause a huge fight at our wedding and attempted to attack my brother with a beer bottle (literally).
So that is the background, I said in my question this was about MY child. My question is I truly feel that this family memeber is a sociopath. I believe he would hurt our child to get even with my husband (remember the anger is already displaced). Am I a horrible person for always having an excuse as to why this person will never be around my child? I know they are family, but they are angry, hurtful, and I am afraid of the harm they can do to our daughter. What would you do?
1 person likes this
7 responses
@soooobored (1184)
• United States
25 Jul 08
You are the parent, and you probably aren't unfairly sensing danger. You knew this person was a problem and allowed him at your wedding, if you were just being petty you wouldn't have done that, so this is really about keeping your kid safe.
If the person presents a danger, then no contact with the kids, period. If you need to cut out additional people who may act on that person's behalf, then you have to do it.
I hope I don't sound harsh, but I do see it as pretty black and white. I also have a maniac in the family, and this is what we had to do. And then some! But you can't reason with crazy, so you just need to start cutting it out of your life.
Good luck!
@blogging2 (201)
• United States
25 Jul 08
Thank you for the advice and support. They have pretty much cut themselves out over the past couple of years. My husband knew that there were issues in his family long before I came into the picture, he moved as far from them as possible while still staying in the states. They don't like that we have moved on, but I was hoping that I wasn't being too mean in always comming up with excuses. There is no reason to address it directly so far we have been able to just "be busy" on those rare occasions they ask us to come up.
This member in particular just called last week talking about how "he was sorry he couldn't give more to our daughter," and "how he could not wait to see her," etc. So it brought it back to the forefront.
@soooobored (1184)
• United States
25 Jul 08
Might it be better to be frank with this person? It's a hard line to toe, but at some point he might catch on and feel double offended, once for not being allowed to see your daughter, and the second because you "lied" to him. If he's far enough away, can you be frank with him about your reasons for keeping him away? Is there any possiblity that could get him into counseling?
@blogging2 (201)
• United States
25 Jul 08
He has been to counceling, it didn't do any good. There is serious anger issues and some of them are probably legit, just focused on the wrong person. We have considered being frank with him, but he is happy with his relationship with his mother and father now and if we were to address it head on we would have to point out the fact that they are who he should be angry with, not my husband, and how would that help?
I understand what you mean by he maybe double offended, but I feel the only reason he would try to come down would be to hurt my daughter. He has called us less than 5 times in the 8 years my husband and I have been together. The latest being the one last week appologizing for not being able to see us more, etc.
@jasyjen (162)
• United States
26 Jul 08
You certainly have my sympathy for having to deal with this at all. I wouldn't want to have to deal with such an uncomfortable situation. However, I think you are ABSOLUTELY right for keeping this person away from your child. No question about it, there is a chance that your child could become the innocent target of this person's rage. I think it would make things a lot easier if your husband backed you up on this and didn't use you as an excuse. I'm sure he is just trying to keep things peaceful, but it would really help your cause if he showed a united front. Good luck to you.
@blogging2 (201)
• United States
27 Jul 08
Thank you for the words of support. My husband does support me, in the fact he knows my stance and that I am not budging on this one. He also trusts my judgement, it is just not something that we feel the need to come right out and say. Telling his family "There is no way this person will ever be allowed around our child" really wouldn't help anything. Using me as an excuse (and I had forgotten to mention that after this person did what they did at our wedding, I approached him quietly and to the side and let him know, "You got in your shots, and I hope you are happy, you will be at the ceremony tomorrow, and after that don't ever expect to be a part of our lives again." He did just that, and I know he complained to his mother who has hinted but never come outright. They do know my stance though and that my husband made his choice when he said, "I do."
@underdogtoo (9579)
• Philippines
26 Jul 08
A parent's job is to protect the kids and care for them and nurture them until they can fend for themselves. I will protect my family by any means possible.
@blogging2 (201)
• United States
26 Jul 08
thank you for the words of support, that is all we can do for our children isn't it? And we all do our best!
@Sillychick (3275)
• United States
26 Jul 08
Sounds like this person has given you reason to be concerned for your child's safety. I would continue to keep him away from her. Even if he says he would never hurt her, you can never be too careful. From what you describe, he is not a reasonable person, and needs professional help. If you don't feel comfortable having him around your daughter, then keep him away. You don't need to justify your feelings to him or anyone else.
@blogging2 (201)
• United States
26 Jul 08
Thank you for the support! I am glad to know that I am not being unreasonable and that I was correct in not having to justify it (that would just lead to a debate in my opinon and there is no debate), I don't trust him and don't think he has any reason to be around her.
@kezabelle (2974)
•
25 Jul 08
It depends if I thought they would be safe as long as fully supervised id allow "contact" if even that was a concern then no id refuse any contact. It sounds like your husbands family member needs a lot of help to get over what happened and while possibly refusing to let them see your child might make things worse unfortunatly children have to come first and if this person cant get help to get over what they went through then id do what ever i had to to keep my child safe. Hard choice to make but esentially easy when it comes down to the childs safety, thats my opinion anyway x
@blogging2 (201)
• United States
26 Jul 08
I agree it is not going to be pretty if it ever came to it. I believe the family member does have serious real issues by this point. What happened none of us know, but he has it in his head that whatever it was was my husband's fault for not protecting him. The family rumor is that he was molested but again no one knows.
I know I can ensure that the very limited contact that may occur (I can only really think of 2-3 occasions, his mother's weding, and his parents deaths) that there is never a moment when my daugher would not be by my side. Any of these we would have our own hotel, own car, and I am known in the family for being a little "odd" so saying I want my space makes it where we don't have to address the situation...
I know that prob is not good either, but honestly I don't think addressing it would do any good.
@MaeTsuen (257)
• Philippines
26 Jul 08
hmmm i don't have children yet but base from my mom as we were growing up... she never quarreled with any of the parents from my classmates or friends and she never scolded my friends or classmates. she just talks to them to my classmates or to the guardian. but she never makes a big issue out of it. if i will have kids of my own too in the future i will try my very best to be just like her. but things can run differently depends on the situation and circumstances =)
@blogging2 (201)
• United States
26 Jul 08
I agree with not making waves if it can be helped. I really don't try to pick fights, this is just something I don't think the family will ever see eye to eye on, and I would rather they be mad at me for erring on the side of my daughter than allowing the possibility of danger to come to her.
@dextornap (333)
• India
25 Jul 08
Come out from that family with your husband and child. Stay way from others. If possible change your town and shift somewhere else. as far as possible to you and your husband. Why should a innocent child suffer and pay cost. I think as a mother you should take care of your child and do all that things which is possible you to do until your child will grow up and take his/her care by them self.
@blogging2 (201)
• United States
26 Jul 08
OH let me clarify here, we live NO WHERE close to any of them. The closest is 24 hrs drive time and the problem one is 28 hrs drive time. And we have a small house so we have been able to make it clear that "while we would love to see them, there is just no room for them to stay here, so if they came to visit we would get them a hotel room so they would be comfortable."
I was just making sure I was not being a "mean spiteful" wife. I just would rather his family be upset with me than risk my daughter's saftey.
Thank you for the support!
