found a piece of my diary, didnt realize how time flies by hmmmmm...

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It’s amazing how we failed to see, feel or realized things that we thought or assume we do. I remember when I was a kid and as I grow old, my mom will always tells me that when I love, I should always keep my other half with me intact,,, she says keep your other foot forward and the other right next to you.. I don’t agree with her, I keep telling her why would you love if you cant give it all,,, if you do,, then you don’t love at all!!! But as years pass by,, I realized a painful fact,,, yes to love and be love is a commitment that upholds a lot of emotions,, it can kill, break you or make you happy and or keep you alive… As I watched people and even my own life,,, I then followed my mom’s advice,,, never give my self, my trust, my love, my everything to anybody,,, If they love me,, then that’s great,,, but don’t expect me to love you the same! That’s my philosophy until I reached a tragedy… Yes, a tragedy can changed even the strongest belief you have in life,, believe me,,, I have seen it,, I feel it,,, and I almost die knowing the fact that ‘IT’S TOO LATE…’ He died,, everybody blamed me,, I didn’t love him that much knowing I am his life, I didn’t give him so much attention although I always say I love him too,, I am always preoccupied with so many things that I thought is a preparation of our future,, I thought I showed enough, I thought I let him feel, I thought my philosophy will keep me from hurting, from crying, there’s so many thoughts,,, there’s so many if’s there’s so many emotions I don’t know how to forget I don’t like regrets, it is never part of my vocabulary,,, I feel if i do something I decide it carefully and weighed it in a way that I am not biased and give a lot of feelings on it and not just thoughts. But I REGRET that time,,, I have so many things I want to say,,, So many dreams I want to share,,, Im already willing to give up some of my beliefs and maybe showing will keep us together,, and he don’t have to cry that often… So many times that I want to repay with him, I want to say I miss him so much,, I want to say,, that I love you too,, and this time I really mean it!!! BUT no matter how hard I try,, no matter how much I cry no matter how much I scream and plead,,,, no matter how many times I call his name,,, he will never know,,, he will never see,, he will never hear me… my grandma,,, (I miss her so much) she always tells me when she is alive,,, that I should cry when I am sad, when I am hurting, when I am happy, when I am excited… crying doesn’t mean you’re weak,,, that you’re stupid,,, that you’re a loser… crying is a sign that you’re a human… crying helps you remain human, crying ease the pain and sadness if there is any… she is right,,, like always!!! She is my model, my hero, my love that I always wish I can be able to spend more time now that I am grown up. I cried when she died,,, I feel nobody will love me the way she loves me,, and it’s true,, NOBODY does… I remember I cried everyday of my life coz I feel alone,, But I cried harder when he died… I told myself,,, next time I fall in love I will give my heart.. I will give my all… I will show him every single opportunity I can, I will tell him how much I love him every day of my life. I will think about him more than I think my self,,, I will priorities him no matter what… I will give him my heart and my self without reservations… I will do what I missed to do with those that I love before because I am too scared that they will not love me in return… I told my self then that it is alright to fall hard,,, that it is alright to love again. Everything will be alright if I avoid and learn from the mistakes I did… I fell in love again,, so happy and grateful that I found someone who is just like me,,, Someone that I told everything about me but still willing to take the plunge… I follow everything that I told my self then,,, I am scared,,, I am so frightened,,, I am overwhelmed with questions… But I told myself,, there is no need to worry,,, I have learned from my past and that’s what’s important now.. I give you all that is in me… Even I am scared I reminded my self that at least I don’t have to regret in the end. I tried so hard,,, I thought I did. I thought if I avoid all the mistakes I made I will never cry again… I will never have that much pain again. I thought I give you the freedom (you said you are overwhelmed with me) I thought I let you do what you can (you said I control you so much you don’t even know what to do next) I thought if let you be friends with everybody, chat with them, be with them, have fun with them then you don’t feel caged by me (you make me feel I am jealous when I get upset coz you ignored me when I ask you something or when I needed you the most,,, like I said,, I am not,,, it just hurts sometimes when it happens so often,, being ignored is something I am used to with everybody,,, believe me,,, it is more of hurting inside knowing you tell me I am your priority,,, no wonder at times I feel and even tell you I wish I am just your friend) BUT if I tell you how I feel it hurts me more in the end knowing I hurt you coz I say something or just ask something I thought I showed my love,, enough to make you realized how happy I am (you said I am always sad and that’s frustrates you) I thought I don’t expect no more coz I don’t want to frustrates you this way,,, I thought I showed you that I don’t even ask for anything nor want to spend sometime with you now although it hurts me (you said I expect too much and you cannot do whatever I want because you have your own world as well) I thought it is ok to cry,, my grandma says its ok and I feel it is ok as it helps me ease my pain (you said I cried so much and it makes you feel guilty about nothing and that I am such a drama queen) I thought when I love and give it all,,, I will not be able to hurt the one I love coz I am giving it all (you said I am way too dependent on you and that you don’t want it to be like that) I thought I explained why I am like this even before we commit to each other coz I don’t want you to be too surprised when you found out I am such a kid,, I repeat it many times, even tell you what I expect and what to expect to me… but it makes me feel you don’t remember any of it (you said you forgot things like that coz it is not that important) Small things to me matters a lot (to you,, those are crazy stuff) I tried so hard,, believe me I did,, every time I try to omit something that means a lot to me,, but not to you… coz I don’t want to make you sad or make you feel guilty (I thought I let you feel this) I wanna be with you as much as I can coz I am scared that a tragedy can happen again and I will feel cheated knowing I don’t give, show and be with you,,, I know that’s a past and now and the future are the ones that we have to face,,, I wish that is very easy,,, I don’t want to take chance again,, I don’t want to take for granted someone I love so much and cry later knowing I failed again… Or be gone in the world knowing I didn’t give my all to you,, as I want you to remember me as someone who loves you completely… Lately, I am feeling sad,, I am feeling angry to my self,,, There’s so many thoughts in my mind,,, if I tell you most of it,,, you will feel I am blaming you or making you feel that you didn’t do good enough… More often than not,, it is the case,,, and that alone caged my emotions not wanting to share my thoughts with you coz I don’t like the consequences of it… If I cry with so many reasons that don’t involve you,,, you see yourself at fault,,, that kills me,,, sometimes I wish I can just pop out and come back when I am ok so you don’t have to be frustrated, no need of this more sadness,,, I hate giving you feelings that hurts you so much,,, believe me if I can just shy away everything from you,, I will do it just so I can protect you FROM ME… I have so many things I wanna say that involves us,, but I don’t like the consequences of it hurting you more and more. I know I am at fault and my personality is way too different than normal… I wish I could show you the scenario that we are always in… It is all in my head,, in my heart,,, they are all the same,, just different day and time,, but still the same… I tried to think about it and make steps so I can changed it somehow… I have realized my lessons before don’t apply the NOW… I have realized that maybe my mom’s philosophy will work with us… But I realized I don’t like to give you one foot and I keep the other one…’ Like I said to her then,,, If I give only half,, then I don’t love at all…