self discipline and self control

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i usually do things on my own. there are a lot of hard things to do everyday. daily devotion with the Lord (first things first), cooking( i was assigned to cook every morning of everyday), marketing ( i used to handle the money in our room), taking care of my younger brother ( my younger brother is living with me in a boarding house), and of course my studies. everyday is really a strgugle when one of my responsibilities stated above is not being accomplished. when one of those is not being satisified, at the end of the day, i would end up regretting of the time that i had. well it is really not everyday that i lost the fight. but it takes some strength and will to really win the fight. it is really now part of my life to do those things. once, i really do not want to do those. i just wanted to be on my own and have the things done in my way. but this time it is different. i have to do those for others. it is the calling, divine calling, that i have and must do those. it is my love respond to the ONE who called and loved me first. at most, i would end up crying that i could not take it anymore. i would end upin my bed with my mind wondering "what have i done" what have i accomplished this day? did i make the difference?... when the answer is negative, it hurts me so. how i longed that it would be perfect. that everything would go the way i wanted it. but there are really a lot of things that is out of bound, my control all i have to do is to be positive, and look ahead, not look back. trying to look ahead does gives me the strength to really do my best this time. there is no need to settle for the past. as it was said in the Kung Fu Panda movie: "Yesterday is a history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift, that is why it is called present." i am reminded of this saying too. it is good to look at the future with high expectations and do the best for GOD and for others. but let us not ever forget that we still have TODAY to do. it is a command also not to worry about the future, for tomorrow will worry for its own. well, human as i am, i do worry. but everytime i worried and i worried a lot, i would then submit to GOD, to the one who holds the key for the future. doing so relieves me so. but sometimes, i would want it my way. there are just things that i wanted to do and understand and discover and wanted to achieve. but this time, each day, i realized that it is God who holds of everything. there are things that i wanted to do in life. wanting to be a doctor, and yet i am a masteral student right now. i wanted to go somewhere, but here i am, stucked in our place with all these struggles i am facing everyday. how will i ever suppose to do with my life right now? it is like i am really bounded to the One who holds of everything. i do want it and like it, and is slowly loving the situation i am into. but everytime i have a stuggle, i would grumble before Him and asked why and wanted Him to know that i just don't like wherever i am right now. how i had hurt Him so.. everyday for me is truly a bearing of the cross, my cross. it is not easy though. sometimes, i want others to bear it with me. sometimes, i don't want to bear this cross, or most of the times. i wanted to live a comfortable life. free of worries and free of struggles and full of material things. but it is not the way or the calling that i was and i am called about. how i cried of someone would take care of me personally. someone would be there to help me through and bears the pain that i am feeling. someone who would understand me of who and what i am. but i jsut couldn't find it here. my emotions flactuate most of the times. my feelings changed. my commitment varies. i am not strong. i am weak. very weak. and i do cry. i cried a lot. wanting to be somebody who has identity. wanting to be anybody who has what it takes to be part of the group. wanting to be someone who has the fame, fortune and faith (of course). wanting to be anything except me. how i had hurt the Lord for this. but everyday, it is what i feel. it is this inner self that is really shouting. i am shouting. shouting of this pain. shouting of this longing. shouting that i wanted to be changed. i do smile outwardly, but deep inside, i am bleeding. i do bleeds. and i cried. there are many times that i cried. even my birthday was not an excuse of it. people are really people. they could not be trusted all the time. they fail too. and i fail too. huhu...