How do/did you handle your pre-teen/teen selfishness?
By RockinMomma
@kblakley (247)
Loveland, Ohio
July 29, 2008 9:48am CST
I have a 12yr old step-daughter that thinks she's 20 and is driving me crazy. She is very selfish and self-centered. As long as she gets her way, she's fine, but as soon as me or her father tell her "no" or tell her she has to do something she doesn't want to do all hell breaks loose. She says the meanest things to me and her father. We've tried all kinds of different discipline, but nothing seems to phase her. I can handle an attitude, it's the back talking and running of her mouth that gets me. Especially when I have 2 younger children seeing most of this. Which she isn't very nice to them half the time either. She is very bossy of her little brother, who is only 2 1/2 yrs old. I know this is probably normal, but I don't know how to deal with it anymore and I know it's only going to get worse as she gets older.
We've taken away the phone, computer, and TV and she doesn't seem to care. We don't really let her go running around with her friends as most of them have parents that allow them to do more than we allow her to do. Sometimes I feel we don't let her be a kid enough, but then when we do, she comes back worse with this arrogant, queen of the universe attitude. We've had so many talks with her that we're running out of wind.:) If its not what she wants then she turns into this girl that we can't stand to be around. We're running out of ideas and tactics.
My question is what discipline actions do you use or have used on your pre-teen/teen? What seemed to work the best? What suggestions do you have for me?
1 person likes this
3 responses
@alori61 (344)
• United States
29 Jul 08
Ah the joys of a 12 year old girls. I have six kids 5 are daughters the last one turned 12 last thursday. Normal behavior for the age group (yeap my youngest is there now) What happens now is what you decide will happen. You can let her continue being a rude obnoxious brat, to grow up and be a rude obnoxious self centered adult, or you can stomp it out now. No means no, mouth gets immediate consequences, a week in a bedroom with nothing but but a bed and school books is a great attitude adjustor. When mine got mouthy they went to thier room and school, no tv, no phone, no friends, no games, no computer, then as they learn to mind they slowly get a return of priveleges and possessions. They only pretend they don't care they really do they just ain't going to let you know it. It also helps with the younger ones because they see you ain't going to tolerate it.
1 person likes this
@alori61 (344)
• United States
31 Jul 08
Giving a set time they just ignore that they don't have it for the length of time but if they have to earn it back then they have a reason to change the behavior. With one of my kids I even had to take away all books that were not school related because she read more then anything else. The idea is to hit them where it hurts the most it does no good to take away something they could care less about, but if you take away the things that matter they then have a reason to change.
@kblakley (247)
• Loveland, Ohio
31 Jul 08
Thanks for the response....In their bedroom with nothing is a good idea. She would have to be only left with school books though as she loves to read. We've took away the TV, phone, friends, games, computer and none of seems to bother her although I think not giving a set time when she'll get it back might make a difference. Instead of saying you loose this for this amount of time, she looses it indefinitely until she earns it back.
@Gargoyle0134 (1257)
• United States
29 Jul 08
Well, NO has to mean NO every time and if she has a tantrum, then she should have to lose privaledges and/or things she loves unitol she conforms and behaves, such as the phone/internet, radio, TV, etc..whatever she likes best?
She canot have her way, or it will be hell to pay for the whole family. If she yells, take something away. If she slams rthe door..remember that she shut HERSELF in the room and let her stay there unitl she apologizes.
You are the parent, not her. Stay firm! She is testing you. If she has basd influence friends, say NO MORE and do not allow her to go out without family for a while.
It will be tough a while..but in time she will catch on that if she wants things you have bought her or priuvaledges..she has to earn them.
GOOD LUCK. My kids are grown and they said I was firm..yet fair and they are good adults! It is not easy. But you will all benefit.
1 person likes this
@kblakley (247)
• Loveland, Ohio
31 Jul 08
Thanks for the advise...I thinks sometimes we don't stay firm and consistent. I done the bedroom thing and it seems to work sometimes. It just seems like sometimes she enjoys being in her room...she'll sit in there all day and read to get out of doing chores and be around her siblings. Yesterday I actually made her have timeout like her brother gets only I made her stand in the corner for 12 mins...she's been pretty good since. She didn't really like it too much.
Thanks for the response.
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
29 Jul 08
I know exactly what you are talking about. First off, I raised two daughters of my own, which at times I wasn't sure they were going to make to 20 alive! lol But I survived those teenage years! Now, I have been with my s/o for a little over 3 years, he has a daughter that is 14 (going on 20something, or so she thinks). She is really starting to get an attitude, which I can deal with, and for the most part it comes from her friends. Knowing where the attitude is coming from is half the battle. Putting her on restriction, taking away computer priviledges, cell phone, etc. doesn't phase her. But, she has learned, rather quickly, what I will and won't put up with. Disrespect is a big one! Her dad won't put up with that either, in any form. One problem is, that she gets away with stuff at her mom's house that is not allowed here. But, she told me a while back that she figured that out, and knows there is different rules at each house. As for her being bossy with the 2 year old, I wouldn't stand for that for 2 seconds. She maybe 12, but she also knows right from wrong on many levels. As for her backtalking and running her mouth..... try ignoring it! Hard at times, but when she realizes that you will listen to her when she can talk to you in a normal way, she'll learn. When she starts that either leave the room or send her to her room, telling her that when she can talk to you without backtalking, then you will discuss whatever. Now, the hard part of that for me, is the slamming of bedroom doors! I can't stand that, but, if that's what it takes, then I can put up with it for a short time. Good luck, this isn't the first time for me to deal with step-children, and raising my own daughters....I have tricks up my sleeve she knows nothing about LOL, and she will have to go to some lengths to really get on my nerves.......Been there Done that! lol
@kblakley (247)
• Loveland, Ohio
31 Jul 08
We've been trying to figure out where the attitude is coming from, I don't think its friends, but they may contribute. She's kind of had a hard life and Daddy was easy on her for sometimes because of it, blaming his self. Her mother left her when she was 5 months old and hasn't seen her since. Her father I feel has tried too hard in the past to find her a new mom so to speak and had a couple failed attempts. One left him in a depression state and she was fending for herself most of the time. That's when I met them. I know that fact that she doesn't have her birth mother bothers her, especially when she lives with 2 siblings that do. On top of it all me and her father work separate shifts and in the evening when I'm at work I think her father expects too much from her in the ways of helping with the little ones.
She's also been pretty sheltered by her father at the same time because she used to have allergies and asthma really bad and he was always afraid to let her go to friends house, thinking she might get really sick from it. Now she's already developed that "hate my life" attitude and it's hard to make it better for her. I know we shouldn't feel bad for her, but we do and she wants no part of any kind of therapy.
But I think I had a break through yesterday...she stood in a corner for 12 mins and she didn't like it at all. Needless to say by the time her 12 mins were up, she was appologizing and has been pretty good since. I know I just have to stay consistent and firm about it.
@alori61 (344)
• United States
31 Jul 08
Adolescent girls do not need a reason to get an attitude it comes with puberty, unless you know there is a specific reason, (ie something happened like a loss or school troubles something like that) your better off working on breaking the pattern then trying to find it's source. When my kids are on restriction they spend a lot of time in discussion trying to find the causes and what we can do to make things better, allowing them to fully understand why they are on restriction and giving them the opportunity to control thier destiny, make batter choises and become a funtioning mameber of the family. EArly teens are tough getting from childhood to adult hood they just don't quite know how to get there that's why they still need our help and guidance but they don't want to feel like we are controling thme no more.
