I Went To My Parents House Yesterday (Yeah It's Long)
By CatsandDogs
@CatsandDogs (13963)
United States
August 6, 2008 2:57pm CST
and was appalled at how they were acting towards each other! I'm so beside myself over it that I had to literally walk outside to get away from them both! I went there to help them pay their bills because mom still can't write well enough to do them herself and the internet just isn't a way for them for they're too old fashioned and still do things the old way. To those who are new to my situation, my mom had a very bad stroke in late April and nearly died three times. When she had came home (finally) she had fallen a couple of times and broken a rib and fractured her pelvis and found that she had a severe kidney infection, one kidney isn't working at all and the one she has left has a very large stone in it. She opted out of surgery till she was well from the fracture and stroke. Since April, mom has been in one hospital after another and rehab and is finally home (almost a week) Yesterday was a month since she fractured her pelvis and has about another month or more to go before she's released from the orthopedic doctor then she'll go through the kidney surgery. Ok now that's said, I've been doing their bills for them since May because dad doesn't know how to do them or even understand them and I do and have done it since then. Now I know they've been arguing quite a bit but I had no idea how bad it was till yesterday. As I was doing the bills, dad was outside and had come in to sign some of the checks and said something to the affect that he was hot and mom rolled in in her wheel chair and said she's chilled to the bone. Dad snaps at her and said "It's not cold in here!" and mom said that still she's cold and dad argued back that it's not and she told him "You're hot, why can't I be cold?" and with that dad had jumped up and ran to the thermostat and "Fine! You want it turned down?! Here you go! I'll set it at 80 to make you happy!" and did it and walked outside and later he came back in. Mom was crying then and I didn't know what to do. I was beside myself at my dad treating mom like he has been because it isn't right and I can't stand for it and won't but didn't feel it was the right time to approach him on it so I went outside. I came back in and mom is still crying while doing her usual things then laid down because she was weak and needed to regroup. Dad is sitting in his chair all the while just fuming. I trimmed mom nails for her and tried to get dad to talk to her after I was done and even gave him some alone time to do so but he wouldn't budge. Oh I was so livid with him! He finally went back outside and I got a chance to talk to mom and she's told me how he's been treating her which has me dumbfounded! She told me he's threatened her a divorce and splitting everything 50/50 and when she's crying, he's screamed at her telling her to quit her crying because he's tired of hearing her bawl!! How DARE he say that to her?!?! Damn it!! She's been through pure hell and is working her way back and she's not to cry and get upset over it?? Damn! She's been down since the end of April for Heavens sake!! She has EVERY right to cry and be depressed!! Besides, it's all part of getting well from a stroke, one of the most dangerous a person could have, she had it!! I mean, did he grant the doctor permission to save her life that night only for him to torture her? Oh I think NOT!!
Now of the flip side, mom has been very snappy but again, that's part of depression from the stroke!! I'm not condoning being snappy but damn! Give her a break!! I did talk to mom about it and she said she's realized it and has been trying to work on that which is a good thing but dad has to stop this being so damned mean and cruel!! Now I did ask mom to come and stay with me for a few days, a week or a month, how ever long she wants to stay to get away from dad for a while because it's obviously not doing her any good to be tormented like she is. I've told my husband that I have this feeling that I'm going to lose both parents at the same time, or close together because right now they're killing one another... literally.
Something else I should mention, dad had a major heart attack in Dec of 1990 and we almost lost him. He had to have a 5 way bypass done in which mom and I stayed in a McDonald house during his stay. I had drove home every so often to make sure things were going smoothly and drove back to be with mom and dad. Dad came home on Christmas day which was the best Christmas present anyone could ever get, to have their dad home after damn near losing him! Now mom cared for him hand and foot for the duration of his healing period. He's seemed to have forgotten that. Grant you, his healing period didn't last as long as mom's and I know it's mom's own undoing that it's longer because she wouldn't call out for help and is why she fell and she wouldn't go to the doctor to find out what was causing the pain in her side which caused her to fall so it was her own undoing that it's taking so much longer than it should've been but damn it, it's now done and over with.... let it go!! I know dad's tired of having to do everything because I'm not there 24/7 to help but it's because I can't live in that environment!! I have lupus and stress makes me break out all over so I can't live there nor can I drive up there every day either because I can't afford to pay all our bills this month so I sure as hell can't afford the gas to drive up there (but will have to if this keeps up but hopefully I'll get mom to come down here with me for a little while) so he has to do the things up there. After all, it IS his home too! But he's a mechanic, not a cleaner and will only do some things but not all such as wiping down the counter of crumbs and spills, clean the bathrooms, heck, he won't even make the bed. He might sweep the kitchen and mop the floor or vacuum and feed their fur babies but that's about all. Outside he'll cut the grass and work on his tractor and what ever else he wants to work on but he won't clean house which is wrong. He says he knows how to clean but he isn't doing it. What gives people???? What the hell gives???? He KNOWS mom likes a clean house and doing a few things each day before going outside isn't going to hurt him but he won't do it so mom does it herself FROM HER WHEEL CHAIR!!!!
7 people like this
10 responses
@Polly1 (12645)
• United States
6 Aug 08
Do you feel a little better getting all that off your chest, I hope so. I have been wondering about you and hoping that things were getting better. You take one step forward and two steps back. Does you mom and dad have enough money to have someone come in and do some cleanup. Also is there a senior center where they live, sometimes they can help with things that are needed. Even if its having someone come and sit with your mom while your dad gets out to go to the grocery store, things like that. Do you remember how overwhelmed you were feeling a few weeks ago. Your dad is probably feeling like that too. Do you remember how you have felt at different times dealing with all the stuff, at the end of the day you can escape and go home. This is his reality everyday, just think how tough it is on him. his life changed too, maybe he is going thru some depression too. the stroke might have happened to your mom, but it also happened to him, it just has affected him differently, I am not taking his side, there is two sides here. Its just a tough situation for all concerned. Its hard to be the 24/7 care giver for someone. I think its even harder for a man because they are not used to it. The guy is usually the one to earn the money for the family and the mom takes care of everyone. I do hope things get better for all of you. Is your mom easy to take care of, do they normally get along with each other good. There is alot going on and you don't know whats going on in there head. You can come here and vent all you want, it does help having someone to listen to you. Does your dad get a chance to get out of there and vent. Take care Cats, I will include you in my prayers.
4 people like this
@Polly1 (12645)
• United States
7 Aug 08
Ahh sweety, hang in there, its got to get better, I know I said that before. I can hear you say, yeh right, when is it going to get better. I did go ahead and read your other responses, its good your dad can talk to your hubby that probably helps him. I hope that talk you had with your parents does some good for more then one day. I know they are grown, but it sounds like they both need to grow up again. I also read where you told them that they need to get a place closer to youm, it is too bad they didn't listen to you. Oh hun take care and try not to let yourself get run down. I remember you were having a tough time dealing with everything and it was really getting to you.
4 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
7 Aug 08
Do I feel better getting it off my chest? Yes and no. You are so right, I take a step forward and two back. I wonder when I'll make progress if ever. No they don't have anybody but me to come in and help them out and that's when I can get up there to help them out because I can't afford the gas and neither can they. Yes it's reality to them but you know, I told them before they moved down here to move closer to me so I could get to them when they needed me but they wouldn't listen and did what they wanted and now they're paying for it. I tried. Hubby and I both have given out advice to numerous people and they don't listen. I mean, we give out advice when asked only but not any more because we've had enough of giving and no one listening and then complain later on. We don't give out advice if we don't know about something what ever it is and don't anymore no matter what the subject is about. It could be how to fold laundry easier, meaning stretched shirts, or what to look for when buying a house, to army issues to paint, which one to buy. So when they all make their beds with deaf ears then sometimes they have to lay in it. Anyway, I've explained a lot more in greater detail in the above responses so if you'd like, please go check them out for it comes more and more clearer to understand. There's so many angles to cover and I think I finally got it all through the responses. Thank Polly for letting me vent. I so needed it but wish it would actually solve something. ARG!!
4 people like this
@reckon21 (3479)
• Philippines
7 Aug 08
I symphatize with your predicament. It's really hard
watching both parents arguing. I think the love they
for each other is slowly fading away. I agree with you
that it's better for them to be out from each others
reach for the time being. Let them think what they really
wanted out from each other. It's the only way to diffuse
the heat. You are a good daughter, please stay that way.
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
7 Aug 08
Yes it is hard seeing parents argue. It's pure hell to say the least but mom is sick and she's the one who needs the support, not the cutting down they both are doing to each other. They've been married for 55 years so I don't think either are serious about divorce but then again, nothing will surprise me.
Thanks for your kind words on my being a good daughter. I try to be but I've got to tell you, it's hard sometimes. I guess we give our parents a hard time growing up so it's their turn to give us a hard time when they get old. lol
3 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
6 Aug 08
Wow, I am sure that was very unsettling. I am sure that he is feeling pretty helpless. I am also sure, that what he does do, she is picking at. He needs a support group or a friend to talk to. I am sure he is feeling very alone. Your mom on the other hand, is probably having a really hard time with letting other people do things that she has always done. I know my grandma was always telling me exactly how to do her things. I could not even fold clothes or make a bed to suit her. It is a total lifestyle change. Can she get something through Counsel of Aging that gives her a personal aide? They come in only a few hours, but it would make it so much easier on both of them and you. I am sure that both of them are depressed, this just isn't what you ever dream of in your retirement years. I wish them and you both the best. I would sit down with your dad and hear his side of what is going on, very calmly, and listen, give some suggestions of ways he can deal with things. I know you are not there with them all the time, but I think he needs to know that someone appreciates what he has been trying to do.
3 people like this
@danishcanadian (28955)
• Canada
6 Aug 08
My mothe also has lupus and so do my sister and brother-in-law.
As for you Dad, I would NOT have ignored his behaviour. I think it would have embarassed him if you noticed, and I think that's just what the SPOILED BRAT of a guy needs.... to know that YOU NOTICE WHAT HE IS DOING!!! He may be your athe, but right now he's acting like your spoiled little grandchild. LOL If a person wants to act that way, I treat them that way.
Maybe you need to seek some help for your mother with elder abuse and domestic violene (in this case the violence is emotional bu it's still violence.). SHE IS BEING ABUSED and it can't continue!!
3 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
6 Aug 08
My husband said he talked to dad yesterday while he was outside helping him with weeding the yard with a weed whacker and hubby told dad that he understood his side but he understands mom's too. Dad told him that mom is riding his @ss all the time and he's tired of it. Well, I see both sides too because mom did everything their whole lives. Dad didn't have to do a thing because mom did it and mom said she's tried to teach him things but he wasn't interested and now that she went down, he's had a crash course of it all and with my help he's learned how to keep things going however, not really understanding everything but keeping things going still with my help. Mom thinks he's gotten a big head now and acts like he's the boss of the household now and nobody is going to dictate what she's going to do or not going to do. Like she was feeding her cats and he came in the kitchen and asked her in such a nasty tone "What the hell do you think you're doing? I feed the f'ing cats!" Now there's no need for him to talk to her like that. She's perfectly capable of feeding the cats from her wheel chair and it helps her to relearn the use of her hands while doing something she loves. He's never talked to her like that before so why does he think it's ok to talk to her like that now? Beats me. Now he's been nasty towards her in the past but it seems to be even worse now. I'm afraid to call for help out of fear it'll come back to me but then again, they may kill each other then I'll feel terrible then!! I'm really caught between a rock and a hard place right now.
3 people like this
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
6 Aug 08
What a shame! How could he be so selfish and unfeeling. I know you must be hurting for your mother. I sure hope this does not cause a relapse. She will be in my prayers (you too).
4 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
7 Aug 08
Oh I am. I so am. I couldn't believe what mom was telling me about what he's said to her. I so wanted to rattle his brain but, of course, I couldn't and had to stay calm and handle it in a calm manner which I did - the best that I could. I explained to both of them in separate times how they're both wrong and since talking to mom earlier, she said thanks for the pep talk for it's much better today but still, I think, "for how long?" I know mom can be hard to live with but I didn't marry her, he did and has been married to her for almost 55 years so what's new? And I mean that comment for the both of them. If you would, go back and read the responses that I did above yours, it goes in much greater detail and way too long for me to retype again. Thanks for your prayers whiteheather!! They're so needed!! ((((hugs))))
3 people like this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
7 Aug 08
I am so sorry that there are still these Problems
Is your Mum staying with you or has she stayed at home
I think they need to be separated for a while or as you say they will kill one another which will not be good, they have both been to h*ll and back and this is not doing either any good.
I really hope you will be able to sort something out for them it sounds awful
@tipsyflash (581)
• United States
7 Aug 08
I can see why your mom would be snappy and I can see how you dad has gotten aggravated, but not to that extent. It's hard caring for a loved one while their ill and it can toll on your emotionally. That being said, maybe your dad should treat himself to something while they have a day off from each other. You could spend the day with your mom taking care of her while your dad spoils himself doing whatever.
I know everyone is upset with your dad [in this post] but I just wanted to say I can see how it's hard to constantly take care of someone... especially when it's not a role you've played in the past (your mom sounds like she was the nurturer.)
I think what your dad is going through is a lot of stress form doing things he's never done before -- having to play a role he's not used to. Also he's probably really scared of losing that nurturing aspect that your mom carries as well as losing her.
My thought is that when he threatens divorce, that he doesn't mean it, but he's trying to express that he's angry. I don't think he's angry with her, I think he's angry with the situation, but doesn't realize it.
If you could talk your parents into seeing a therapist, that would be great. Not for relationship problems, but for learning to cope with your mom's illness. It's very difficult caring for a spouse in a major illness and that stress (and lack of coping skills) can cause divorce.
I hope my answer was helpful to you -- long question -- long answer.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
7 Aug 08
To be honest, I know your Dad seems to be coming across as being unreasonable and horrible etc, but you know this could all just be a reaction to everything that has happened.
I have seen this happen many times in stressful and hard situations, not everyone reacts the same and can sometimes be horrible to those that they love. It is just that it hurts those close to them and so they do not see that this is probably just a reaction to all that has happened.
Saying all that, I dont really know what to suggest to you, maybe it would be a good idea for them to have some time apart, give them both some breathing space and time to chill out, sounds to me like your dad needs time to assess himself and his feelings.
2 people like this
@elaine5004 (84)
• United States
7 Aug 08
Hello,
I understand what you are going through. Elderly parents aren't easy but hang in there. My mother has had several strokes too and is now dependent on my father for total care. When a person is limited in mobility, their circulation is not as it normally would be. If you have ever been visiting in a nursing home, their thermostats are set higher for warmth for the residents and you will still see several covered up with blankets and multiple sweaters. With my own grandparents, they were constantly cold, It would be 85 and extremely hot for visitors, but my grandmother would still be "freezing" and still cranking up the thermostat as high as it would go along with sweaters and blankets. Since your mother has had strokes, why not see if there is a support group available that perhaps has a counselor to visit them. It is very stressful to be at an age where your golden years are suppose to be great and you are dealing with limited physical abilities. My own parents dreamed of traveling, dad had visions of hunting and fishing and it is an adjustment to give that up for a more restricted lifestyle. It is now a hardship for my mother to travel and she can't be left alone for long periods of time for hunting and fishing. Counseling might help the adjustment and at least give them a chance to talk about how frustrated they are. Support groups may also have suggestions on where to go to get an aide to come in one or two times a week to help pick up a bit or meals on wheels to deliver at least a meal a day so there will be others helping you watch over them and relieve your stress load. If you need someone to talk to, just add me as a friend, you can vent all you want.
Take care, elaine
