HOW, just tell me HOW? PLEASE
By CoffeeAnyone
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
Canada
August 7, 2008 4:40am CST
Do you have a loved one or a freind that is just so so sooooo negative about themselves that they don't hear truth at all. It doesn't matter what you say to them they turn it to the negative. How in the world can you help someone like that? What are the magic words that encourage them to get over it and move on? Example,, you try to say something factual to them, like will you know you can't be stupid because look at that memory you have you. When you were in school you passed exams with flying colors even though you never showed up for class. You were fantastic when you worked as a waitress and could memorize so many orders it was impressive. The person says, "oh that is only because the test were stupid; and I really didn't memorize as many orders as you think. You probaby just thought it was alot but it wasn't". At some point you might say, you have a lot going for you, you take good care of yourself and the person quickly interupts with "no I don't". You say will you exercise on a regular bases and the person explodes with "Oh I haven't exercised in weeks and I have gained a thousand pounds". Yet you see for sure they haven't gained a pound if an ounce. I can go on and on. Err, Err, Err, I am so so frustrated! Do you know anyone like this? Do you have any pearls of wisdom for me to give to this person? What exactly can promote change in people when they are so distructive to themselves? I am at all loss!
3 people like this
8 responses
@jaypeemanuel (1005)
• Philippines
8 Aug 08
My wife somehow behaves that way though she graduated as the top graduate of the entire college in our University. I just tell her to keep doing what she thinks best and see the results.
There were times when she was really doubting her skills and would ended up as the best competitor.
Weird smarts...
2 people like this
@jaypeemanuel (1005)
• Philippines
8 Aug 08
I really don't know if I should take her as a doing humility falsely, or she was just wired that way, to be forever unbelieving.
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
8 Aug 08
Yes this sounds just like my friend. I am telling you I have supported her through many things. Recently she went to College to get a trade. Oh the heart ache of how dumb she was; that she couldn't do it and my heart would be tied up in her struggle. Then maybe the next day she flies through our door with a smile on her face telling us she got either the highest or second highest mark in the class. By the end of the year I had it figured out and I stopped getting hooked in to the drama but still she was draining.
@blackmantra_x (2732)
• Philippines
8 Aug 08
Good day... One word reverse psychology. I mean you don't have to discourage your friend and say something like oh it's that so or I didn't know that just the important thing don't contradict and let see what happens.
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
8 Aug 08
I think I might of tried that, I am not sure I will have to think this through. What you said sticks with me as good advise so I will for sure see if I can try this again.
@carolbee (16230)
• United States
7 Aug 08
I don't think there is much you can do to help this person. You can try over and over again and get no place. All it does is cause total frustration. This sounds to me like this person needs help beyond what you can offer as a friend. Can you suggest this friend get some sort of counseling without hurting his/her feelings? Maybe a professional can boost his/her self-esteem and help this friend to be positive and enjoy life.
I did have a friend like this but haven't seen her in over a year as a result. She's not a close friend any longer as I just couldn't take it anymore and my husband did not want her around. My friend always felt as though she was cheated. She had a rough life and lousy marriage and nothing was ever her fault. But she really didn't have a rough life. Nothing I said or did was right or good enough. I slowly faded out of her life and felt bad doing so but it got to the point I needed to protect my sanity. It was just that bad.
I'm not saying what I did was right. I should have been there unconditionally for her as a friend but she was driving me bananas. My family and other friends didn't want to be around her and refused to have her in their lives. I ran out of patience after two years of trying to be there for her and be a part of her life.
1 person likes this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
8 Aug 08
Not her fault, hey! Ya, I hear you on that one. My friend would do herself a whole lot of good if she could only see those three fingers pointing right back at her. Carol I disagree that you should have been there in person. I think sometimes the best thing we can do for people is to leave. I think that is unconditional love. It seems backwards but it is not. Some times people don't see the need to look at these selves for change until they recognize good friends and family don't want to be around them. This is tough love from what I understand. Good for you for taking care of yourself! I have done this recently myself with another friend. I have been told these types of people are called toxic friends and we need to keep them and a distance if not get them out of our lives completely. Seems kind of harsh I know. I couldn't except this theory for years but I have finally taken of my rose colored glasses and I see the light!
1 person likes this
@carolbee (16230)
• United States
8 Aug 08
Toxic is exactly right. I felt terribly guilty avoiding this friend but did it gradually so I could fade into the sunset. It was my only self defense. I was friends with this female in the 4th grade and her mentality never left 4th grade. Didn't see her for many years until about 2 years ago and we renewed a friendship. I was so sorry.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160949)
• United States
7 Aug 08
That is a tough way to be.
It is hard to be a friend with someone like that, but they need you. I would only say something like "Boy, I must be an awful person, I have such a terrible friend."
and laugh about it. My first husband suffered from a mild depression, and would often be down on himself. He often said he wanted to die. He did better when I would just tell him, "Okay, I will keep the life insurance premiums paid up." 
He later did develop a terminal illness, but basically what he wanted to know was that regardless of how he viewed himself, I would be okay.
It is hard to be a friend with someone like that, but they need you. I would only say something like "Boy, I must be an awful person, I have such a terrible friend." and laugh about it. My first husband suffered from a mild depression, and would often be down on himself. He often said he wanted to die. He did better when I would just tell him, "Okay, I will keep the life insurance premiums paid up." He later did develop a terminal illness, but basically what he wanted to know was that regardless of how he viewed himself, I would be okay.1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160949)
• United States
8 Aug 08
In retrospect I often wonder if the family related illness was underlying his depression all of those years. Counting dating we were together for over 25 years. I am remarried now. It is an interesting discussion. I think we all know people like this.
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
8 Aug 08
Hi Gerty, sorry to hear about your dear husband. I love how you handled him. I bet he appreciated you for it. I remember years back when I was depressed someone said that to me about being a terrible friend and it totally snapped me out of my mood because of course my friend or friends were terrible people and I also knew they wouldn't be my friend if I was. So in the moment I could see my silliness and my mood would left. Thank you for your contribution to this conversation.
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
8 Aug 08
Yeah I know what you mean -I am going to make a suggestion .See if it works out. If it does not, it is after all your friend .You can easily forge misunderstandings.
Give her a reverse kick-' You could never memorise properly. yeahyeah! I realise that the paper was stupid.
'Of course you have to wallow in self pity that you don't have enough going for you. 'I do agree that all other people in the world are more fortunate than you.'. But what to do/ You can only brood over all this and make yourself more miserable.'Sad!!!!!1
Why are you looking so fat? I guess you have not exercised at all! Hey what is with you? seem to be happy and fat and plump! Wow!'
Try this. You can always say this with a smile.
1 person likes this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
8 Aug 08
I think I have tried this. I am not sure now how it worked out as I have not tried that tactic for awhile. I will give it a try and see what happens. I sure do know that tactic worked on me a few times years ago. Good advice thank you!
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
8 Aug 08
After going through your discussion, I can only use one word for such persons - they are 'incorrigible'. These kind of people just want to show that they are 'superior' and others are inferior. They just do not know how to appreciate others. It is quite frustrating to deal with such people. It is better to ignore these kind of people and their remarks/comments. In heart of your heart you know it very well, that you are capable and you were capable of producing good results in most of the fields, you touched. Please do not take their counter-comments too seriously, their main motive is to frustrate and hurt others.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
12 Aug 08
Whatevery may be their motives, they are not at all in good taste and their motives lower their own dignity.
1 person likes this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
12 Aug 08
I am so blown away by your comment. Incorrigible you say; yes it is so true. Think they are superior; I would of never thought so. Yet some how this as a ring of truth. I have to think this through as I can't wrap my brain around it. The comments do frustrate and hurt I see that and yet I say is that the motive? I find it hard to believe that this could be their motive. I thought it was just their pain talking. Am I wrong? Yes I could be!
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
22 Aug 08
dpk..you speak the truth. I have said that very thing. Will sort of. I am not that great at expressing myself but just what you said about dignity. Powerful and true. Oh how I wish you could talk to this person. Maybe they could see and understand better then when I try to say things.
@creative_genius (992)
•
7 Aug 08
It sounds like this preson is very insecure and constantly seeks approval or attention. Perhaps you could speak to a mutual friend in confidence and then find a way to speak to them about your concern? Some people find it hard to let go of any previous hang ups and there isn't much you can do to change someone else's negative attitude!
1 person likes this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
8 Aug 08
Yes your right and it saddens me to see this need for approval and attention. Especially the attention. I have to say I have been around a few times to see this need and it really makes me sad for this person.
@iasonriki (33)
• Philippines
8 Aug 08
I don't have friends like that because all of my friends are happy people with positive aura. But I have already met some of internet personalities out there and what I usually tell them is that they are not the worst people on earth because there are still people out there with bigger sufferings than them and yet these people still have the motivation to find peace and happiness.
1 person likes this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
8 Aug 08
I tell my friend she is not so hard done by and that there are people with serious problems out there. I even said one time that she is wasting her time and energy on things that are just not necessary, that she is robbing herself of a good joyful life. I am not one to talk because I use to be in her shoes years ago. Will no not quite. I did have low self esteem in some way and I did thing I was stupid and no good but on the other hand I had something inside of me that was so strong and it would rise up if someone else tried to disrespect me in some way. You treated me nice or you weren't my friend or by boyfriend for that matter. So I know I had something good. Through the years I have counteracted my negative thoughts and they have no place with me these last years. I want the same for her but she seems to be hanging on to them for dear life. Like those thoughts are the truth which they are not. OH, so frustrating! Most everyone I know has struggled in this way in some form or another. Are you saying you and your friends have never struggled this way or are you saying you overcame and now your all happy people? I really would love to hear more about you and your friends. I think it is great to have a group of friends that are all so happy like that.
