Are you focusing on the right thing?

The LAST thing I would worry about is what everybody else would think. My first priority would be my daughter and getting her the medical attention she needs and the understanding and support from her family. Who cares what others think? If her friends can't be supportive as well, they aren't very good friends to begin with.

I totally agree with you. But being an Indian (though I assume you are not talking about an Indian friend), the mother's reaction is very normal out here. Parents focus more on 'what will society think' than 'how can we help our child'. Sad but true. Though I'd never say such a thing, I know my mother was always worried about what people would say if I did this or that...and not really why it was wrong. And this despite the fact that we weren't even living in India. I've heard it so many times that as a teenager I stopped listening to my mother. My dad was always able to exlain things to me in a reasonable way while my mom always focussed on 'society' who I cared two hoots about!

I would never care if it was my Daughter I didn't when my Girl fell pregnant at 17 because the Protection they used had split, my main concern was my Daughter and supporting her, it broke my Heart for her when she lost it, and of course I cried for a lost Grandchild but more for my Girl as it hit her hard at the time There is no shame in it, it happens, it does not mean we have gone wrong somewhere it happens and that is it, yes I was shocked at first for about 5 seconds and then my thoughts where on supporting my Girl and anyone dared to say anything they had me to deal with What others think is not important at all as it is none of their Business

No, in the long run it is not important what others might say or think. They might say or think something negative, even if the girl is not pregnant. The great "THEY" has caused many tears and ruined many lives, but often it is "WE" in disguise. If the girl is pregnant, be sure she remembers that a baby is not a mistake, it is a human being.

Many a times, when we are upset, we are blinded by the issue at hand. We'd be thinking of all the possible horrible scenarios rather than find a solution to resolve the issue. I am guessing that is what is happening with your friend now. She is too upset about the whole affair that she completely forgot about the main issue. How to handle this pregnancy of her daughter? Maybe you can just remind her of the issue at hand. And see how best to be there for her when she is facing the issue with her daughter. Having no kids of my own, I cannot truly feel what she is going thru. But I am sure it is a trying time for the both of them! I hope they can come to an amicable solution, so that no one is further hurt in this whole incident.

I spent the better part of my life trying to make everyone happy. Sacrafice myself, as long as everyone else was happy. THat is what I was told as a kid - "making others happy will make you happy". To a point that is possible, but it wasn't told to me anymore than that. so I literally put myself last - farther than last. My kids came first. THen my husband and then our families. I was the one that helped everyone, picked up all the pieces, was "there" for everyone - you name it if it was to help someone else, I was the one that did it. After 20 years (just my marriage years) know what being so nice got me? An Ulcer in my stomach. Literally a hole in my stomach from trying to hard to make everyone else happy - at my own expense. I finally sat myself down and thought, "why? No one is ever there for me. the problems never end. Someone is always needing something, but when all is said and done... is anyone there for me? Does anyone help me? Is anyone a friend to me when I need someone? No. No. No. No and no and no. So I just struggled to get hte ulcer in control and said no more. You need help, you got find it elsewhere. YOu got a fight, go find someone else to fix it. I focused my all on my kids and husband. The ulcer went away, and I was so much happier. I have learned that you have to take care of yourself or you can't take care of anyone. My kids needed me the most and I dont' care about all your adult shenanigans, my kids are my focus. Did anything get better with everyone else? Did the fights stop or anyone suffer cause I was "not there"? No, no and no. What did happen was I became happier - I enjoyed my kids more and we all just had a much better life. My credo - I am what I am. IF that is not good enough for you, oh well...go find someone that is. I have my goals in life, I have my reasons, and I am what I am and the best that I can be at who I am. I wont' be taken advantage of anymore.

I hope all things work out for the best for your friend and her daughter. I know exactly what you are talking about here. My child is only 3 so what I deal with each day is very different than in your friends case. But I always give thought to whether or not a certain behavior is just him being a little boy, or if he is copying something he has seen a friend do, or if I need to be giving him a little more (or less) guidance in a certain area. I do fall in the trap now and then of worrying what other's think of my parenting. My husband and I try to keep ourselves balanced in this area. It can be hard.

It sounds to me like this lady is being very selfish and obviously has her own welfare first. She needs to focus on how she can help her daughter and be proud of her (possible) grand daughter. Acting as she is can leave serious emotional scars and feelings of rejection. "IF" she is really this selfish than she should be ashamed.

Personally i dont let what others might think bother me, ultimatley yes my child would be first and foremost in my mind, and at 19 she is more than capable im sure of bringing a baby into this world. My children are only little so obviously I expect them to do silly things that other people around us might frown apon but that it bothers them makes it their problem not mine, therefore its their problem to worry about and deal with not mine, the only thing I concern myself with is trying to stop what ever it is they might be doing. I dont care how people perceive me as a parent just because they see me for an hour or something and my child happens to be being naughty, they dont know me they dont know that 90% of the time my girls are really good, but as their mother i dont expect them to be perfect if that bothers others well then personally id say they have bigger issues if their lives are so boring that my life is more interesting to them!!!!

Well, 19 is technically is an adult. It is not that embarrassing, just tell her to love her pregnant daughter. I was pregnant, fresh out of high school, at 18. At least she isn't 12 or 13!!

..you're right.. I am a believer and I would say that if the child is pregnant, maybe God has other plan for her.. You need to explain to the mother that the child is a blessing.. there are so many mothers nowadays who are not married but they have successful children.. it doesn't matter what people will say.. what is important is, they cherish, love, and care for the child.. a mistake cannot be cured by another mistake.. a mistake must be face.. and be charge to experience so that it will not happen again and again.. nobody is perfect..

For me, the best thing to do is approach the daughter and ask her directly if she's pregnant to get a first hand information. If indeed, she's pregnant, accept and handle the situation well because there is nothing more you could do about it. As parents, we cannot control what happens outside our homes and sometimes the influence is just so strong.So I think what is more important now is the present, how the parent can guide her daughter throughout the pregnancy.

First of all, 19 is not a child any longer. I'd be there for her, I wouldn't be angry at her because what good could come of it? It would only make her resentful about the child. Besides what's done is done. But I'd explain to her what she got herself into and what it's gonna take to raise that child and that i'll help her but not to the point of raising that child myself. I'd just tell her that she got herself into this situation and must now grow up and learn to be a role model herself... with my help along the way of course. I was a teenage mother and learned the hard way and I think learning along the way and from my mistakes is what made me the good mom I am today. She'll grow up, just give her time.

I agree, the focus should be on the daughter. My cousin got pregnant at 17, jr. in high school and my family rallied around her. while we did not think it was smart to get pregnant, once i was done, we had to love her and help her and embrace the child that would join us. Now that Madison is here and going into 2nd grade, we could not imagine life without her, having a child is a blessing regardless of the circumstances.