when is the right time to tell your child that you are not his biological parent
By Erssyl
@Erssyl (617)
Philippines
August 13, 2008 7:08am CST
Is there a right time to tell your adopted children you are not his real parents?
Or shall we keep it secret from them.I have an adopted child,he is now 15 years old do you think it's right or wrong to tell him the truth.My problem with him is that he is not like my 3children exact opposite of them,Lazy in everything even in his studies.
2 people like this
12 responses
@sweetierook (311)
• United States
13 Aug 08
I would not tell a 15 year old boy anything of this magnitude. Boys are just hormonal and irational and unpredictalbe at this age. In all honesty, I do not feel that this is the time to introduce anything that emotional. Remeber when you were 15? OMG! Any excuse to run away, act out or feel that your parents are against you was a ggod enough reason. I honestly agree with the other responder that if you have not gradually introduced this to the child by now, WAIT until he is 18. Ideally I would have gradually talked to him about this as he was growing up. That was it would not be such a big deal. However at this point it will probably be too much for him.
2 people like this
@sweetierook (311)
• United States
14 Aug 08
Why do syou speak so negativly about this child that you have adopted? Do you not love him the same as your own children?
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@mayka123 (16605)
• India
13 Aug 08
I was an adopted child and was told about my biological parents when I was a kid and then again when I was about 12 years old. But I just did not accept the fact. And I did not like my biological mother either because I she would not show me any love and affection. I think around the age of 14 or so I understood the whole truth. But till date I am more attached to my adopted family than my biological family.
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@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
14 Aug 08
I hope my adopted son is like you.Maybe you are matured in advance to understand the whole truth.It's good you still see your biological mother.I'm sorry for you if your biological family cannot show you affection.You feel better because you can still see them,while my son cannot see them at all because he came from an abortion clinic. He was 7 months premature when his heartless mother had him aborted,It would really very hard to accept.
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@mayka123 (16605)
• India
14 Aug 08
It was not that I had matured in advance. It was just that the family would very often mention this fact intheir convesations and it was never hidden from me. I think when I was finishing school and had to fill up some forms where I had to mention my biological parents because I was not legally adopted that I finally came to terms with who were my actual parents.
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@34momma (13882)
• United States
13 Aug 08
first thing you need to do is stop comparing him to your other children. you may not think he notices but he does and i can tell you it is very hurtful. would i tell him he was adoptted i think so. however if you do then you have to be prepared for the anger of not knowing, the wanting to know who his real family is, and the sadness of thinking that his mother gave him up.
i think if you are serious about telling him then you need to be ready for all that comes with laying this at his feet. and please for his sake don't comepare him to the other children. they are always going to be different and you will always have one who is different from the others rather they are adoptted or not. good luck and let us know how it goes
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
14 Aug 08
Of course comparing him to his elder brother and sisters is just to let him be like them.We want him to finish his studies which he is not very much interested.We want him to be like them so he can be responsible adult.For the meantime we have to be patient with him since he is the only child as of now because the three of them have their own family.We will wait for him to mature as others suggested before we tell him the whole hurting truth.
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@goldeneagle (6745)
• United States
21 Aug 08
the best time to tell him is IF/When he finds the adoption papers LOL
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@goldeneagle (6745)
• United States
24 Aug 08
ahhh...that could change things. Well one thing I was curious about the first time I read this question is whether or not he has any suspicions about whether or not he is adopted. I have no real experience in these situations, because I am not adopted, and I don't know anyone who was adopted as a child, but I have heard that the kids usually start to put two and two together on their own at some point. This is a tough situation to say the least, but I would think that it would be better for him to know about it sooner than later. Do your other kids know that he is adopted? I assume they do not, but if they do, it would surely be better for him to hear it from you and your husband than from someone else.
I surely don't envy you in this task. While making this fact known could be beneficial to your relationship with the child, it could also be destructive, possibly leading to him resenting or rebelling against you. I would definitely recommend you seek advice from your pastor or from a professional...they may be better able to assist you in this that I am...
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@lixiaos77 (1030)
• Shijiazhuang, China
13 Aug 08
It is proper when he is 18 years old. Or he will be not able to handle it because he is not mature or rational enough. It is human's nature to find his biological parents. And I did see a story about a 13 years old girl left her parents who adopt her for her nature parents. Her nature parents refused to receive her and she insisted. She made trouble to her nature parents and hurt parents who adopt her.
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@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
29 Aug 08
I think it depends on the majurity of the child themselves. You know if your child is mature enough to handle this information. I don't think you should keep it a secret from him you just have to decide when the time is right. If you don't tell him and he finds out on his own that can cause him to resent you. Watch until you see that he is responsible enough.
@fifileigh (3615)
• United States
14 Aug 08
i think 15 is old enough to know. he should know. it is not fair to keep it from him. he will grow up with a certain void because he probably does feel different but not sure why. i think he should have known in elementary school, maybe around 8.
i think he should also be able to search is biological parents and meet them to find about his roots, so he can move on. kids who dont meet their real parents will have a certain void in their lives like something is missing. but he will still choose you and ur husband as his parents because u r the ones that raised him and took care of him. 15 to 18 is a good time to do that, be able to search biographic parents and find them, and just get to know who they are and why they were able to keep him. he should know his missing links to move on for his future.
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@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
14 Aug 08
I don't think we will be able to see his missing links.Much as we want to know and see them we cannot because he was aborted at 7 months by his mother.You can imagine how hard it is to take care of him since birth.His mother is not aware he is alive.The first time we saw him I was afraid if he is going to live.He is a big survivor.
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@lchiat (1070)
• Malaysia
14 Aug 08
Hi. Nice to meet you here. I have a cousin in this situation and i am really shock after my parents tell me that she is not my uncle real child. I know her parents tell her bout that when she is 12 years old. I think thats the good time to let her know. At that age she can think and can understand what her parents trying to tell her and understand the situation. But luckily she can accept it after crying for few night. I feel very lucky after see her situation. Happy myloting!!
@VenomSingh (165)
• India
13 Aug 08
When u feel that he's responsible in his other spheres of life... or he respects u a lot.. tell him
for if his thought process is mature, he wont develop any...say...veil between you two...
@trisha_nava82 (1379)
• United States
24 Aug 08
whenever you feel it is the right time to tell your child. if you feel now is the time to tell him then go for it. you should think of how to say it before just letting him know. i think its never too late or soon to inform your child that he has been adopted. my parents told my brother and i when i was twelve and he was fourteen that the dad that i call dad isn't my real father or my brother's but that my dad adopted us. just do it in your and his own timing. you'll know when.
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
25 Aug 08
I really hope and pray when that time comes of letting him know he would not react bad like you do.Maybe your adoptive parents did everything for both of you.My husband and I really expect him to be good because we loved and cared for him well.
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@savmot (261)
•
11 Sep 08
I'd have told him in the first place, so he always knew.
I don't think not telling him is a realistic option is it? What about his birth certificate? Won't that have his real parents names on...
I don't think there is a right time to give a kid this information when they have always believed you to be their biological parents.
I would suggest as soon as possible, the less time he feels lied to for, the better, and good luck.
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
12 Sep 08
As much as possible I don't want him to know that he is adopted because we have registered him like our own.We do not know anything about his parents.He came from an abortion clinic so why would his parents look for him.He miraculously live.Do you think he will still feel bad about us after helping him live?
@savmot (261)
•
12 Sep 08
I don't think he'll feel bad about you atall. But he may have a pretty bad reaction to the fact his parents didn't want... especially the abortion thing.
Personally, If I found out I was adopted by my parents, I couldn't care less, but some people react really badly to stuff like that.
Fair enough, if there is no way he will find out, then don't tell him. I think I just watch too many soaps... these things always come out eventually in those, lol.
