Recently very hurt by a friend
By lvaldean
@lvaldean (1612)
United States
August 17, 2008 9:57am CST
Not going into the gory details, but a few are necessary. Sure would like to know what others think of this situation.
I had, HAD being the operative word, a friend who was frequently needy. I think that she didn't always realize just how needy. She was ill and her illness was debilitating, however she rarely acknowledged this even to herself. She didn't like talking about it and resented anyone including me asking questions. On the other hand she would frequently become very angry if I didn't ask or didn't somehow acknowledge her illness in conversation.
Some background: At one time she worked for me which is how we originally me. We became friends and I really enjoyed her personality and wit. It was a pretty rough time at our employer and several months after hiring her I realized that her illness was creating difficulties for her in her work life. I protected her, she didn't realize this though and continued to pretend that she was 100% and everyone was simply refusing to acknowledge her contributions and commitment. Things ultimately spun out of control at a time when I could no longer protect her and she was fired, it was not a "good" firing but that is a different issue.
We remained friends, but it was often a difficult relationship. She would frequently chastise me for my style of communication telling me that I was to dispassionate or clinical. That I didn't "give" her enough time. That I would hang up and not call back. This was after hours on the phone with her. She wanted all my time and resented any time I spent with my husband, at the gym, or anything else. She couldn't take honest critism, didn't want to hear anything other than agreement with her sometimes very off the wall fury at me or others. She frequently torpedoed herself in her job search.
This past week was the final straw. I lost a good friend last weekend. I didn't call her instead I simply dropped her a e-mail apologizing for my lack of communication and explaining that I had lost a good friend. She went balistic. I was all kinds of insensitive, I was a user, I was everything under the sun. Needless to say I was really hurt. I tried to talk to her. I have bent over backwards for this woman time and again, including loaning her money ($3500) when she really needed it (no she hasn't repaid it).
The end result of all this is that she has decided that I am a bad friend because I was unable to make the changes to my personality that would accomodate her needs. I couldn't give up my life and spend every free moment I had on the phone with her every day. I didn't do everything she wanted me to do everytime she wanted me to do it, no matter how unreasonable it was. Her fury escalated so quickly and beyond anything I had every seen before. I don't understand it.
Sorry for the length of this, there is plenty more but I tried to keep it as short as possible. Should I be worried? She does have the ability to do harm to me professionally and personally. What would cause someone to act this way?
2 people like this
15 responses
@shamsta19 (3224)
• United States
20 Sep 08
You know I am reading this and it sounds like someone I know. Boy I wish you'd read what happened to me the other day http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1657606.aspx.
Anyhow. First I am sorry for you loss and anyone who isn't sympathetic to that is just not a friend to begin with (or a decent person for that matter). I believe some people are born this way. Back their selves into a corner and expect everyone's lives to be dictated by hers. It's a selfish way to think but in her eyes she can see no wrong in what she's doing. Boy do I know someone like this!!! I think you know who I mean. She tries to dictate my life and my actions but won't stand accountable for her own. She can do no wrong while everything I do is absolutely terrible.
You know what advice everyone has given me? Cut her off. And she's my girl. This woman is supposed to be a close friend of yours but it sounds as if your were just a crutch for her. You are better off without a person like this in your life. Wow I think I just had a revelation! And its never easy to let people go like this. You probably had more love for her than she did for herself. And owes you money too? Wow let me borrow $3500. I'd pay you back!
1 person likes this
@shamsta19 (3224)
• United States
20 Sep 08
And to further add to ronaldinu's comment, some people do realize later in life and we (the decent people of the world) sit around waiting for them to realize this. Unfortunately this usually comes with a cost and we end up being hurt or hurting ourselves in pursuit of a goal that will never come to pass. I was (am) like this with my girlfriend but all things will change for me soon.
1 person likes this
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
21 Sep 08
Funny about this person, she is so very far off the hook she really doesn't get that her words do great harm. She believes that she has a free pass. Not sure why that is. She spent weeks, and I do mean weeks simply blasting me. My character, my humanity, my ethics, my morals. Every bad thing that came her way somehow landed on my doorstep. It was strange. Every choice she made, every bad choice especially despite my advice to the contrary was somehow my fault in the end.
I simply let her blast away. Ignoring her most of the time and then finally telling her to stop. Finally saying to her that I had enough I was done. Finally saying to her that I was not going to apologize to her for simply being the person that I was; that clearly she was not satisfied with our friendship and I was not going to make any significant changes to my personality, communication style, or values to appease her. Which of course started another round of blasting. Even stranger is that she knows that she does this, she admits that she goes off the deep end and doesn't have a edit button - but thinks that this should somehow be accepted. Maybe because she is sick?
I simply stopped responding. After two weeks of refusing to take phone calls and refusing to respond to her e-mails I think she figured it out. Then there was the "I miss you and our friendship" e-mail. I am sorry e-mail. I don't know what I did that you would treat me this way e-mail.
It was the guilt in two parts. First I was a demon now I am just being mean to her.
So I explained that she had done to much damage with her vitrolic dementia. I explained that of course I cared about her but I cared about me and my family as well. I could not be there for her all the time and her neediness was taking to much of my time and effort to sustain. Her demands were to much. Her jealousy of even my husband was over the top.
What is even funnier? She finally got her settlement from our mutual past employer - has she offered to repay me?
Why that would be a big no.
I will go read yours right now, and of course comment if I can add anything of value. I haven't been around to much lately. Spending to much time working really.
@shamsta19 (3224)
• United States
26 Sep 08
And when you know at heart you are truly a good person or at least good to her, and she still treats you this way? It's absolutely necessary you remove people like this from your life as they can only bring you down and keep you miserable!
1 person likes this
@mobilecubie (820)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
If you ask me she wasn't loved much by the people who were suppose to love her unconditionally, thus when someone shows affection (i.e. becomes her friend) she makes that person the center of her world and if that center of her world does something that threatens their relationship she goes ballistic. I know I have little information with regards to your case, so this is plainly the opinion I have with what you have told me. You have every right to be mad at her but since she has an illness I can almost fully assume that how she treats you is just her way of coping up with problems which she cannot control. Perhaps its a good thing that you are no longer friends, but I can't help but feel sad for her. No one can or perhaps wants to understand her and that really is sad. I hope she accepts her problems and her faults so she can find her peace soon.
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
17 Aug 08
Based on what she has told me, you are right. The people who should love her and care for without conditions do not and have not.
I also feel very sad for her. I am not angry at her, even now and despite the very hurtful things she has said and done. I think I understand how angry she is at the situation she is in. I have a great deal of empathy for her and her situation, in many ways we are similar in that we have medical conditions and disabilities not of our making, conditions that are life threatening. In her case much more so unfortunately; in my case much longer term and more controlled.
I think the difference between us is our reactions to our situation and our approach to our past and our lives in general. I am fairly pragmatic where she is very emotional.
I also hope that she finds peace. I also hope that she maybe considers what has happened and reaches backwards before it is to late. While she believes that she is due something more from me than an apology that has already been given freely. I believe for her to find peace she must seek within herself what drives her rage and what causes her to drive people who care for her away.
I think a part of it was frankly that she owed me money and did not know how to repay it. Mind you I never asked when she would begin. Never asked! Do I need it? Yes, but I made the loan knowing in my heart that she may pass and never make a single payment. I did it because she needed a roof over her head and medications that she could not at the time afford without help. I think that this is something else she will never understand.
@mobilecubie (820)
• Philippines
18 Aug 08
You have a good heart. Some people would still be mad at here even if they know what you know. Nowadays people like you are rarely seen, and I hope all goes well with you. You may have an illness but it doesn't stop you for being you, she should learn more from you.
1 person likes this
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
14 Sep 08
Hi Ivaldean, sometimes our friends are so absorbed in their problems that they don't realise that we are giving them a helping hand. Some relaise this at a later stage while others remain unaware that we tried to help them.
@Ravenstorm3 (45)
• United States
17 Aug 08
This woman is bitter and miserable and taking out on you...she is ill and bitter about it...you've gone above and beyond the call of duty for her...keep the HAD a part of vocabulary when it comes to her.
1 person likes this
@Ravenstorm3 (45)
• United States
17 Aug 08
Let me add to the above comment...while one takes care of oneself by avoiding volatile relationships one can still maintain the love that was obviously there for that person now spewing vile....I pray for God to send me Grace....and I pray for them too...it lightens my heart and is what I would wish for them to do if the tables were turned.
1 person likes this
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
17 Aug 08
The last e-mail I sent to her was very close to that it said;
"I love you and I am sorry that I have hurt you. Only you can determine how to proceed"
I simply was so hurt by her fury and her rage. I had done nothing other than be there, even at times at the expense of other things that needed to get done.
Needless to say, she didn't receive that e-mail because she had blocked my address.
@Muelitz (1592)
• Canada
18 Aug 08
I believe your friend is lost and needs someone to lead her to the right path. I am in no position to judge her on what she was doing in her life. I seem to interpret that you are keeping away from her. If that is right, maybe you could still communicate with her from time to time via e-mail or phone calls. Of course, you have to balance the time you spend on this with your own activities. Maybe you are her only true friend that why she is that demanding. But if your relationship is already severed because of the e-mail you sent and the reaction she had about it, You should not worry about it. It seems that you have done all that a good friend can do. Cheers
1 person likes this
@suneethy (46)
• India
18 Aug 08
Hi Ivaldean. First of all my heartful of pitty upon you.
Friends are such' they comes and goes. nobody going to be
so long lasting as per our/your expectations.
Lending/loaning money to a friend is more dangerous, that never returns.
you can help financialy to your friend without any expectations.
You should not worry for such an selfish friend.
Everybody has their own life, let her live as per her terms and you live and enjoy your life as per your wish. after all your life is yours only.
@cripfemme (7698)
• United States
22 Jul 09
I can relate. Just when you think you're getting to know someone, they do something screwed up to you. The trick is to remember (and I have trouble with this too) that not everyone in the universe sucks. And, sometimes, good people also make mistakes which they're sorry for. It sounds like your friend might be the second kind of person and it's up to you if you want to forgive her.
@subha12 (18441)
• India
18 Aug 08
it is the fact that many times we face in life. i had also similar experience. the so called best friend of mine cheated me big time. later i found out that he was taking undue advantage of my friendship. he asked for money when he needed, he asked for food when he wanted to save his money and all.these are part of life. we get lessons from these.
@skaterx (530)
• Finland
18 Aug 08
Oh she doesn't sound very good. I think she has some emotional and mental issues. I hope she is not able to harm you, you should explain the situation to your boss if necessary. You are not a bad friend, you are a good person. She is manipulative, and trying to make you feel guilty.
1 person likes this
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
19 Aug 08
I agree that she likely has some emotional problems. Many that are brought on by her health issues. I none the less feel very bad. I wish I didn't but I do. Thank you for your thoughts, I know she is manipulative but it still feels bad, maybe because it is so manipulative.
@tigger44 (144)
• United States
18 Aug 08
Well it seems to me that you have gone above and beyond what a true friend is for her. With my experiance I have found that with many people who have a disability they are mean hateful bitter and miserable towards other people. This women it seems asif she is bitter and is taking it out on you. It is nothing that you have done but just that she is going through a tough tme. I want tosay maybe son she will reize that the way that she has been treating you was wong and she will apologize. I am sorry that she said all of them things to you it was wrong.
1 person likes this
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
19 Aug 08
The funny thing is that I think we originally found friendship because we have had similar experiences and are both disabled, although she is likely more so than I. Certainly her disability is more physically dibilitating than mine. Certainly her emotional response has been much different than mine.
I don't believe though that she will ever realize what she has done. Rather, I think she will continue to dwell on her view of the issues and allow it to fester. I have watched her do this with others and it has only turned out badly.
@dannie0821 (42)
• China
18 Aug 08
Dear Lvaldean,I'm quite sorry to see you are so much hurt.Definitely such a person is not worth your friendship any longer.Though she is in a very bad condition in life,but she can never require sympathy from others.Needless to say you are so kind to her always.Really can not understand her behavior,maybe really she has had some mental disorder...and maybe it's just an evil cycle she just irratates so much,always so disconsiderate which won't do her any good but more harm.I really admire you for your patience with her.You should be proud of yourself for that.And surely,sooner or later she will realise what a precious treasure she had lost.
For me,I've also met with such disagreeable person that I don't feel like to call her "friend" any more.In my philosophy,as long as I look on someboday as friend,I should treat them well,in other words,I'm very sincere to her.But then just a few months before,when it comes to things concerning self-interest,oh,you can not imagine how she acted.Everyone can be selfish,it is just one nature of human being and I totally understand if she did not go too much.But she went too far that I think she'd made me an idiot.That's really really awful. But after that,I feel kind of relief to get rid of people who don't worth your friedship.That also makes the hurt we got worthwhile,am I right?
1 person likes this
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
19 Aug 08
I keep trying to see things from her perspective. I keep trying to see how hurt she was by all that happened and all that drove things in the direction that they went to. I understand that in her mind she has decided that her downfall is somehow my fault, somehow I am the architect.
I don't know how. I don't know why. But somehow it is my fault, everything that has happened to her is my fault.
I am so crushed by her recriminations by her rage.
@AusMeggles (7)
• Australia
18 Aug 08
It sounds like this woman has issues beyond what she has accepted, and beyond what you can or should have to deal with.
She needs professional help, or she will continue to be a drain on herself and others.
1 person likes this
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
19 Aug 08
I have thought this myself, many times. I think though that she will never seek it. She is not a terribly introspective person thinking more that everyone is the enemy and she is the victim in every situation. The more I step back from the situation the more I realize this. Nonetheless, it is a painful situation.
@vnp007 (83)
• India
18 Aug 08
Don't protect ur 'FRIEND' anymore. Because she is not worth your friendship. She seems selfish, miser, arrogant and more importantly she begs for SYMPATHY. THE PILLARS OF TRUE FRIENDSHIP SHOULD NOT CONTAIN ANY OF THIS. Beware of her. Don't be sympathetic to her.
1 person likes this
@Canellita (12029)
• United States
19 Jul 09
There are a number of things that could cause a person to act this way but really all possibilities can be summed up with just one word: immaturity. A mature person would accept their situation with grace and dignity and be grateful to anyone who offered assistance. A mature person would have a work ethic and care about doing a good job and not put a coworker in the awkward position of having to sheild and protect her from being fired. A mature person would be open to feedback and constructive criticism and handle herself like an adult. A mature person would have more than one friend and not be jealous of your relationship with your husband.
We could go on and on with this one but ultimately your former friend was just terribly immature.
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
19 Jul 09
I know all this. Unfortunately illness, pain, fear of dying, lack of income, and a really crappy family all do really terrible things to our inner person. She had all of these things and in spades. So my sympathy and concern for her overrode my good sense.
1 person likes this
@Canellita (12029)
• United States
20 Jul 09
Well, I would say you did all you could and then some. Covering for her on the job may not have been smart but it's ok to give people a break sometimes. I have known many people who have gone through situations similar to your former friend and some have handled their lives with grace and dignity and some have not.
No matter what happens to you in childhood once you turn 21 you have a choice to make. None of us lives in a vaccum and there are examples every where at school, work, on tv, etc. of people who rise above and many have written books on how to do it.
This person was miserable and she wanted company in her misery. Everyone deserves empathy and even sympathy at times but you have to make some sort of effort to help yourself in life.
Complaining and blaming others and lashing out when you can't have your way is not the way to go. You were a good person to do as much as you did.
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
18 Feb 09
In truth I think you are really better off without her in your life. She sounds like she has some serious issues and is using you as a battering board for them. As for the part about her having the ability to do harm to you professionally and personally, I'm not sure what that's all about but you can't stay friends with someone b/c your afraid of what they might say or do. I'd suggest you let her go her own way, cut all contact and let the chips fall where they may...at least you'll be free of her.
[b]~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~
**STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS**[/b]
