My Daughter Is Planning A surgery..What Do you Think?
By slickcut
@slickcut (8141)
United States
August 20, 2008 1:27pm CST
I really would love your opinion on this...My daughter was married for 18 years,they had 3 children,the children now or 18,16 and 11 years of age...This is the deal,ok apparently she was very unhappy in her marriage,he was a nice person ,her husband but something happened,i don't know if she was never inlove or just decided to move on...She met a man when she went to work,and apparently they had an affair..So she wanted a divorce...I talked with my son in law & he told me that she had fallen in love with another man,he was very hurt, but he stated to me that my daughter was a wonderful person & it was really all his fault for the breakup,well i was hurt by the entire thing but i did not live there & did not know what really happened & she did not share much of her troubles with me...Ok so they divorced,she has the kids & the house...Well last year she married this new love of hers & he moved in with her & her 3 children..I really like her new husband but she is 39 years old and he is 21 years old,big gap in age there as you can see..I have NEVER seen my daughter so happy,you can tell they are really in love.He has never been married before but he has a 3 year old daughter by a girlfriend he was dating,and my daughter & her new husband has his daughter every other weekend..She is an adorable child & i fell in love with her right away and she calls me Meme & she loves me as well..Here is the problem,they want a baby between them..So she had her tubes tied afer her last baby,but now she wants to have surgety to untie her tubes ..This is going to be a 2 and a half hours surgery..She will be cut a long cut i understand and the tubes will be cut where they were clipped & fused back together & liquid applied to look for any leakage...She is 39 and everyone feels she is making a big mistake...She will be starting all over again after her children are all big now & 2 will be off to college soon.She has already scheduled her surgery fot the 26th of this month & i am going to go stay with her during her recovery..My husband,and my friends say she is making a big mistake,and sooner or later this young husband of hers will get tired of her later & she will be left to support the baby..They are trying to get me to talk to her about maybe not doing this,but she is so set on it & she is so excited..What do you think of this..Do you feel it will be ok? Is she taking a big chance...? I really do not want to rain on her parade but i love her & want her to be happy...I am sorry this is so long a discussion but I would surly appreciate any advice from my friends here...Thank you so much...
5 people like this
23 responses
@arikiya (41)
• United States
20 Aug 08
I don't want to sound condscending or ask you a stupid question but have you tried looking at this from her point of view? She is in love with this new man and from what you say he is as much in love with her; they each have children from previous relationships and wish to have a child together, this sounds pretty normal to me. I'd say that as long as her health is not in jeopardy and she's willing to undergo the surgery to have another baby, then more power to her. She already has older children so she obviously knows what she's getting herself into, and even if somewhere down the road he decides to leave her or they split up for whatever reason (which may or may not happen), I'm sure she'll do just fine. She is taking a big chance - but it's obviously one she wants to take. You say you want her to be happy, so just be there for her & show your support, and enjoy the new grandbaby when and if it comes. Good luck to you both. :)
3 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
20 Aug 08
Oh i do support her completly..I can understand when you are in love you want to have a baby together & i remember just how i felt when i wanted a baby with my husband..My husband thinks i am doing wrong by supporting her idea,but i don't.I do know that it could be a risk,but i will be there during her surgery & afterward to take care of her...I am a very positive person,and i don't feel like love between two people that age is a factor....If anyting should happen to their marriage,which i doubt,I will be very happy to take care of the baby or her ,whatever she needs i will be there for my little girl,you can count on that...
2 people like this
@arikiya (41)
• United States
21 Aug 08
It's plain by your responses and concern for her that you are a very loving mother. This is just my opinion but I think you're worrying when there's no reason to (just like all good mothers do lol). I may have misunderstood your first post, it seems to me now that all you're worried about is your baby being hurt - but aside from there being a good chance that her relationship with her new hubby may not work out, it looks to me like she has a very good support system - and that makes all the difference in the world. I have to commend you for supporting your daughter even if you don't agree with the decision, the world would be so lucky to have more parents like you out there.
Just wanted to pop back in and say that :) Again, best of luck to you both.
3 people like this
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
20 Aug 08
Hi slickcut,
[i]I understand your side being a mother and your support and love for her..I will be hesitant also to talk to her and kill the excitement she have right now! She is 39 and I believed she is thinking about this all over again!
I do know if I will be brave enough if I am in this situation but being a mother for sure, you're the closest person who can discuss to her the pros and cons![/i]
3 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
20 Aug 08
I know! i will talk to her but not to discourage her ..i will be sure to ask her if she has considered all the pro's & con's....Thank you for your reply...I know after she married & i was in that empty nest syndrome i thought i wanted another baby but it did not happen & now i can look back & i am very thankful it didn't,so we shall see....
2 people like this
@Polly1 (12645)
• United States
20 Aug 08
She is a grown women, she had had kids before so she knows exactly what she is getting into. As much as we would like to do sometime, we can't tell our adult children what to do and expect them to do what we say. If she is happy and this is what they want, who has the right to say what they are doing is wrong. if it does backfire on her and they have a baby and he leaves. Then her loving family will be there to hold her and help her thrru lifes difficulties. Thats all you can do, be there, support her, love her. And just think maybe you will have a new litle one in the family to love. All children are a gift from God. There are lots of marriages with big age differences that work. My hubby and I had a 20 yr. age diference. We had a good thing. I wish your daughter well. My advice, be her mom, love her and just be there for her.
3 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
20 Aug 08
I AGREE, AND I REALLY DO NOT THINK HE WOULD EVER LEAVE HER . They are so much in love and i have never seen her so happy...I do not feel as some others do..I love my daughter very much and my husband has already told her how he feels but i would never stand in her way.My husband seems to be more concerned about her surgery & she is somewhat over weight..I am going to be by her side through thick & thin..I will always be there for her because whatever she decides its her wishes that i will hold up...I will be there for her surgery & i will be there to care for her afterwards...I love babies and i do hope she has a baby for us to cuddle & love....The happiness of my children is all that i want for them...Thank you for your response..
2 people like this
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
20 Aug 08
This is very difficult - it's her life and if this is what she wants I'm sure no one is going to stop her. I am however concerned about her age. I was 36 when I had my youngest and believe me there is a huge difference in the amount of energy I had/have keeping up with him. He's 17 now and just an hour with him is exhausting - she will be facing the same thing. She may have the energy to deal with a newborn right now but what about the toddler years and beyond. I really wish she would concider this - she has a wonderful family now, she really doesn't need a 'baby'.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
20 Aug 08
I know that & you know that but to her this is so important..I don't really know what all her reasoning is but i am just asuming that she just wants a baby with him..Some people try it because of love,others seem to think it will hold a marriage together (which it doesn't) but really she has made up her mind and as you know mothers just have to watch...I really hope she will be happy with her decision...It is also a possibility that it will not work & she will not get pregnant..But whatever the reason i will be there for her....She does have a wonderful family & really good kids..It will be hard raising a young one in this day & age & she will be much older by the time the baby is a teenager but what can i say....
2 people like this
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
21 Aug 08
Like you said, as mom all you really can do is love her and be there for her - she's an adult and will make her own choices in life.
3 people like this
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
20 Aug 08
Oh one more thing - I should add after my last one I had my tubes tied, burned and cast in iron, there was no way physically I could or would go through another pregnancy, so much easier at 25
3 people like this
@jonesy123 (3948)
• United States
20 Aug 08
Spring-Fall relationships can work. He may stay with her. Or he may not. She is 39 years old, old enough to make her own decisions. As a parent at this point you will just have to live with it. Having the surgery doesn't guarantee that she really will have more children. If she does, she will have to raise the child and live with her decision. Who knows, he might stay with her and they will be happy forever. There are no guarantees in life but its her life to live. Whatever happens, simply support her.
3 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
20 Aug 08
Thats what i plan to do..I just love her & want her to be happy.I do not think he will leave because of the age difference..Anything you do in life is a chance you take..I do not want to be anything but supportive..If worse comes to worse i will do whatever i can to help her..Thank you for your response...
2 people like this
@kassdaw (591)
• United States
20 Aug 08
I am 21 and I want another baby but I dont want my kids that far apart in age. I think I would be more worried about the health risks in having an unnessecary surgery. I support anyone that wants more children as long as they can take care of them but at some point they need to look at the long run. The older a woman is the higher risk the pregnancy is. I don't think you would be out of line to just sit and talk with her about it. Let her know who you feel and that there are alot of people worried about it. If she is ready to except that and wants another baby that bad, she will. But at least she will how you feel. Good luck
3 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
20 Aug 08
My husabnd has already talked to her about it.He is actually worried about the surgery..I think her mind is made up so I have no choice.I am going to be with her during her surgery & will stay with her during her recovery period at home..I know it is a chance but all i can do is just be there for her...It would just destroy me if anything bad should happen...
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
21 Aug 08
It doesn't matter how old our kids are we still worry about them. I think she is on the wrong track in many ways...she made her first mistake when she left a decent man and a good marriage. Marriage at times needs more work than usual. I feel your daughter threw in the towel too easily. I think it's more likely that she will tire of her young man rather than he of her. Sadly, more people will be hurt. But that's just my opinion and it doesn't even count as I don't know the people involved or the full story. I just know that this is very hard on YOU, her Mum, my friend.
The choices are hers. Your choice is to stand by her choices and decisions or to stand aloof. You can tell her how you feel but you cannot make her change her mind.
It's sad when someone goes against the wishes and feelings of everyone that loves them and hurts them all to satisfy themselves. It's sad when people make selfish decisions without first weighing everything up and looking at the consequences. We are human, we make mistakes...that's what's sad.
1 person likes this
@Grandmaof2 (7579)
• Canada
20 Aug 08
Well I agree with the majority as far as whether or not your daughter should do this. Good point being a young guy there is that chance that one day he'll just hit the dusty. As far as the surgery goes I know of two women who have had this surgery done and in both cases low and behold it didn't work. They were real sore for a few days, got over that and thought anytime. It's been 5 and 8 years and neither one was able to get pregnant. Let's just pray for what God sees as the best for your daughter and for everyone involved. That's about all anyone can do. I'm on the prayer list and I ask anyone reading this will also join in prayer.
@ElicBxn (63643)
• United States
21 Aug 08
I think that a woman her age knows what she wants.
I don't care how dumb it sounds to the rest of the world, she is an adult - even if he's barely one - and if she is ready to take on another child, with all the risks attendent to a pregnacy at her age - so be it.
I did work with a lady who had been married twice, had her tubes done because she didn't want kids. After the second marriage failed she started the dating again and was set up with some friends in her church with a man from out of town, also in the same faith.
They met - and they married - his first, her third. She had the tubes reversed and had a couple of kids, even tho she was in her mid-30's by then.
So, if your daughter wants to have another child, and can afford to have the surgery and is prepared to be the mother of a teen in her 50's, GREAT!
As it is, I feel she is being a mother to this boy too, but she's happy, and if her other kids aren't too put off by having a step-father young enough to be her son - there you are.
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
24 Aug 08
Oh i have never said anything to her about it at all.I have supported her all the way.She is a grown woman & if she is happy i am happy..My husband did talk to her about it and she took it great but said that is what she wants.I will be there for her all the way.I know this boy she has married is young and others have looked down on it but as a mother i only want her to be happy ...The older children are fine with it,she does have wonderful children & she is an excellent mother.I don't think her husband will leave her but everyone else claims hes so young and will get tired of her when he gets older.I do not really believe age has anything to do with love.As for me I love my daughter & if this turns out to be a mistake i will be there to pick up the pieces ..I only want her to be happy...
1 person likes this
@ashar123 (2357)
• India
21 Aug 08
You are right that your discussion was long but intresting all way through. In my opinion your daughter is going to make a big mistake. She will have the baby from his new husband but after some months or a few years, her new husband will leave her as he has already left his girl friend with a baby from her too. In the end your daughter will be taking care of this new baby along with her other children. But thanks to God she has her own home.
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
24 Aug 08
Oh i have thought about that too..Even though he is a good father to his little daughter,he did not marry the mother,i do not know why...I just pray this all works out,since her mind is made up..My children mean the world to me & i will always be there for her & if he does leave her i will probably be a baby sitter for my new grandbaby,but her happiness is all i care about..
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
20 Aug 08
Well it's pretty much out of your hands.....and many women now have babies later so I can understand why she would want to do it. I have seen many marriages like your daughters that are totally successful and they stay together for many many years....but kids will do whatever they want to do! So just stand by her and any decision she makes.
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
20 Aug 08
I think the same as you do.Love is love and i understand why she wants a baby with this man she loves...I will be there with her through it all..i will also be there to nurse her back to health..She knows i will always be there for her.She is very happy & i am happy for her...I feel they will make it for ever,i see nothing that would make me feel otherwise at this point..But you know how people has opinions..I supposs i just wanted to hear some positive feed back since i have such positive feelings on the subject..thankyou Jill...
2 people like this
@sanzi1201 (644)
• China
21 Aug 08
Maybe child is the best rime to a pair of spouse.I don't know the future of them,so God bless them.
2 people like this
@merrycherry (132)
• China
21 Aug 08
Hi, I'm 19 years old now, so probably I don't quite understand whats the best way to solve your problem.. I still want to support u and your daughter, I mean, at least your daughter is an adult, if your daughter has made up her mind and shes happy with it, which I think is what u really wanna see, then u should support her as her mum. If, I said, if this is a mistake u find later. Do not feel bad, to support the baby on her own may be a tough task, but make some psychological prepare, all right? We learn from our mistakes in our lives, right? At least your daughter falls in love with an unique relationship, and she will have an unique memory after..thats all i can say..and you are a really considerate and sweet mum. Take care of your own health!
2 people like this
@baileycows (3665)
• United States
21 Aug 08
I would think that it would be a mistake to and I am sorry they may appear to be in love right now, but a 21 year old. Where is his mother? I am not trying to be ugly, but I doubt he will be around to raise this child. I don't think she should start over with a new child.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
25 Aug 08
Back in the 1970s surgery to repair tubes did not work. Maybe it is better nowadays, but she already has three children, and the husband she now has is way younger than she is. I suspect she is restoring her youth or acted young for her age when she first got married, you know marrying because of looks and then finding out that there was more to marriage than a handsome face.
Now apart from the danger =some women are too old at 39 and some women are still age - we all have our limits and disease can destroy even that of a woman who could have children into her sixties.
But I am worried about the ages. Even if he is mature for his age, he will left to care for the child when he or she gets older and is unable to. She will be sixty when the child is entering college.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
25 Aug 08
Oh i know,don't think i have not thought of that.The surgery may not work even today,its just a chance she will be taking ,a un necessary chance at that,If it does not happen that she gets pregnant ,she will only be disappointed plus have a big scar to prove it,,,I am just a mother that is hoping for the best.it would destroy me if anything bad happened to my daughter...
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
21 Aug 08
i understand about wanting to have a baby with her new guy but at what cost? is it really worth all the pain and suffering to her body for this? why not just adopt? that may be another option? whatever she chooses, i hope all will turn out for the best.
1 person likes this
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
31 Aug 08
Your daughter is a Grown Woman! As you say, she's very happy with her life. No one knows for sure that her young husband will tire of her. Don't rain on her parade! Get in there and go along with her 100%. She is your daughter and you are very Proud to be her Mom!
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
31 Aug 08
My daughter had her surgery last week..I went with her & went home with her & took care of her.She did really well.We had such a good time,i got to visit with my older grandkids,i cooked & helped as much as possible...I never said anything to my daughter but others have said quite a BIT...She opened up to me & told me lots of things that she had not shared before.I think now that all is over she did the right thing.People do seem to have a lot of negative feed back because her busband is so young but he was so wonderful to my daughter & there is no doubt he loves her & i think everything will be fine.He does not seem to be the leaving kind ...
@merrycherry (132)
• China
21 Aug 08
Hi, slickcut! I'm a 19 years old girl, so I'm not pretty sure whats going on with your family and whats the best way to solve your problem. But I still want to support your daughter, you know, shes an adult, she has the right to choose. And I know its a tough situation, but as a mum, u have been supportive, thats what I admire. And I guess ,no matter the decision is right or wrong, its an unique experience. Your daughter is brave, u know, the surgery is pretty horrifying, through the description u gave, I believe she could get it through. And you are a sweet and considerate mum, take care of your own health~~~
1 person likes this
@ashtower (18)
• China
22 Aug 08
(My English is poor)As I am so young,and still have something ideally about love,just consider what I am going to say a joke.I think if the man really love her,he'd better not to ask a child after taking her age for pregnant and her risk of the surgery into consideration.But if they really want one,go ahead.You don't want to leave something that she will feel regret when she become old if she lost the love.She is old enough,and should choose her own way.Or,suggest you to turn to something like Tarot to catch a glimpse of the future(If you don't believe this kind of thing,don't laugh at this,please,this is just a kind suggestion offered seriously)Think you for reading my unconsidered thought
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
25 Aug 08
I would never laugh at your thoughts.i appreciate your words of wisdom...I really don't know if he ask her to do this or if it was her idea..But if he ask her to do this i do think it was a bad thing for him to ask of her too.But her mind is made up so she will be having this surgery the 26th of this month..All i can do is be there for her,,,
