She's Dying And I Am Not Sure I Care

Tweet

Over the past month, my father's mother has been diagnosed with lung cancer and brain tumors. She is slowly declining toward the end. In a matter of days, maybe even hours, she will be gone. The worst part is, I am not sure I even care. The fondest memories I have of my grandmother are her cooking. We would wake up to the smell of a grand breakfast. By the time we got showered and dressed after breakfast, she would be starting lunch. By the time we returned from our tours of downtown New York, she had dinner ready and waitng. She made some of the best food I have ever tasted even to this day. As far as my relationship with her, there wasn't one. The woman would bold face lie about me to my father. She would tell him that I was cussing at her when in fact, I had just beem sitting there not even looking her way. My dad would confront me about it and I denied it. However, he would call me a liar and tell me not to disrespect her. Finally, I just start admitting to things that I didn't do or even understand. It seemed the best way to avoid it all. Finally, as I got older, I refused to visit with her. I didn't feel like be blamed for things that never happened. My mom was the one who informed me of her condition. I just got off the phone with her, rolled over, and went back to sleep. My husband overheard the conversation and wondered if I was ok. I said yes and to leave me alone. By the way she treated me, I feel happy that she is getting what she deserves. Part of me feels bad for rmy father, even thought our relationship has been rocky. Part of me feels ashamed that I hated her. Am I a monster for being glad she is dying? Am I even glad she is dying? Why can't I cry about this? Have I really allowed myself to become so callus about death?I could really use some advice here. Liv