Other Perspectives Needed!! Please help!! Thanks!
By clamarco808
@clamarco808 (312)
United States
August 30, 2008 8:34pm CST
I always think that a person can see things better if someone lets them see it from another point of view. So I am here for that today. Well, my sister-in-law is off her rocker again. She took back her abusive husband and we now have 2 more kids to take care of cause she can't do it right now. We already have 4 kids of our own so you can just imagine what kind of stress this is putting us under. I am doing this for her kids cause they are really little (7 & 1 yrs old) and they just can't depend on their parents. It just breaks my heart & ties my stomach in knots to know that their mother is giving them up for a worthless POS of a guy. I can't even say man cause he hasn't lived up to that title at all. Heck, this guy threatened to kill me, my husband & my mother-in-law when I was pregnant with our last child! He's beaten my sister-in-law til she's black & blue and cheated on her more times than we want to think about. He's punched my husband in the face cause my hubby called him a good for nothing low life. He made my nephew run up & down a hill in the rain in full football gear so that "he wouldn't become a wussy". I have no reason to like him at all. I am just really ready to tell my sister-in-law that if she goes back for good to her abusive husband, the kids will never go back to that house and I will cut her out of my life cause I can't stand it anymore. Am I wrong to feel this way? We are just so tired of her crying about not having food in the house and all of that cause he won't give her any money or help pay the bills and just tired of the rest of the B.S. My husband & I always put the kids first. Some nights we don't eat dinner if they ate it all cause they come first. I'd rather go hungry than have them go hungry. Yet, his sister will buy new clothes every week, drink expensive beer & has a new car! Please tell me what you all think. I am just at the brink of a nervous breakdown. Thanks everyone!
2 people like this
9 responses
@Sheepie (3112)
• United States
31 Aug 08
This guy really needs to be in jail. I think your sister is just really lonely or desperate and just plain misguided. I don't think you should give up on her completely just yet, but try to get the husband out of her life. Those poor kids! Good luck.
@clamarco808 (312)
• United States
31 Aug 08
We've tried to make her see that you don't have to be with someone just so you won't be alone but she's the type that has to be with someone no matter what the cost is. Actually, he has warrants out for him and he should be behind bars. Thanks.
2 people like this
@3cardmonte (5098)
•
31 Aug 08
Those kids are really lucky to have someone like you to take care of them. You are not wrong to feel this way, you must be more frustrated than anyone can imagine.
I dont mean to disrespect your family but she does not deserve those children. If you are prepared to take care of them then i would just cut her out of your life completely, she is a grown woman and a mother who will not put her children. Has this guy been reported to the police?
@clamarco808 (312)
• United States
31 Aug 08
You are right about her not deserving the kids. This guy has a rap sheet longer than you can imagine. I just don't understand how people who have done less than him can be stuck in jail for years yet he walks free cause he always seems to dodge it! We are always prepared for the worst with her but time will only tell what happens from this point on. Thanks.
2 people like this
@hiddenwing (3719)
• China
31 Aug 08
I am sorry I don't have any good suggestion.
I think u are kindhearted.
I wish everything will be OK
@clamarco808 (312)
• United States
31 Aug 08
Thank you. I wish everything turns out OK too but we just gotta keep on praying.
1 person likes this
@freefogging (356)
• United States
31 Aug 08
Oh this sounds so familiar. I have 2 sister in laws that couldn't handle life at times,couldn't handle their children at times ect. The only difference is that it was never because of a man. They just couldn't cope. We ended up raising 2 nephews and a niece, and like you said it's a strain,emotionally,financially,and in lots of other ways. And I loved them and cared about them also. But I only signed on for my 2 boys. On top of taking their kids, we have moved them a total of 4 times, given them about 10000.00. Yes there were many times when I didn't eat or I would sleep on the floor because our house wasn't big enough. It wasn't fair at all. And now one of them is trying to raise her granddaughter. We will put our foot down if we are asked for any more help. We have done enough and I'm disabled,so I couldn't help anyways. Crazily my kids tell people that they had the best parents in the world, the most caring, and the best chilhood. Yet I was also on the verge of a nervous breakdown too. It's pretty sad when they can afford to go out and party and buy a speed boat to play with and I'm starving most days. I think I would have to tell you to do what I should have done. Take the kids back, with their belongings. Tell them that you love them but their mom misses them(just a little white lie) so it's time to go home. Load them and their stuff in the car and take them to your sister-in-laws, knock on the door. Make up a story about being sick, tell her you were just diagnosed with cancer or something or just tell her it's her turn. And give the kids a hug,tell them you love them but mommy and daddy need then now and leave and cry all the way home. Then don't answer your phone or your door. Make her deal with it!!That's what I would do if I could do it all over again.
2 people like this
@thebeaddoodler (4262)
• Lubbock, Texas
31 Aug 08
I don't think you're at all wrong to take the kids, get it legalized if possible, and tell your sister-in-law you're through. That's called tough love, but another thing is that you are taking care of her children. You don't need the added stress of having her always whining to you about how she's being treated.
While children do need their parents, they don't need parents that don't take care of them or consider their well being. If she insists on going back to him, let her know that she's on her own, because she knows what's going to happen. Suggest counseling, a women's shelter, any thing you can think of that will help her, but you can't continue to hold her up while she's kicking a scratching to fall down. She has to want to be free of him.
@clamarco808 (312)
• United States
1 Sep 08
We are going to seek legal help soon cause it's hard to see the kids like this. We have made it very clear that she is on her own with her SOB husband. Like I mentioned in another of my comments for this post, ironically I work for a company that has services for domestic violence victims. She just lives in a fantasy world thinking all the time that everything is just peachy when in fact it is hell. I just don't want the kids to be put through it all and become like their parents. Thanks
@gypsie40160 (6)
• United States
31 Aug 08
First of all I would like to say I really respect you for what you are doing, taking in someone elses kids and taking care of them that takes someone with a big heart. Secondly I dont blame you one bit about cutting her off and not letting her have her kids back, from the way it looks to me is that she cares more about the SOB then she does her own kids. If she is going to take him back after everything that he has done to her and her family then she deserves what she gets. I cant stand for a man to beat on a woman, but damn if she is stupid enough to go back to him then she is stupid enough to get beat. Sorry to be blunt but it is what I feel. Just remember the Lord is watching over you and the kids and everything will work out. Sometimes we have to go through ruff times to get to the good ones. May God bless you and your family....
2 people like this
@clamarco808 (312)
• United States
31 Aug 08
Thank you so much. I am just hoping those good times come sooner than later. You know what? She really does care more about him than the kids. Sad to say but it is true. Blunt? Hey, I thank you for being blunt! Thanks again & God bless you & yours too.
2 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
4 Sep 08
I would literally tell her what you have told us!! She must not think enough of herself or the kids to get rid of this man. You are in a real hard spot. I commend you for taking on her children.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Sep 08
hi clamarvo I am wondering if your sister in law is scared
of her worthless lump of stupidy and thats why she took him
back as she thinks he will hurt her otherwise. I feel for you as you have more than enough with your own family, but those poor
kids.If she has a new car get her to trade down to used and use the money she gets back to separate forever from her scummy
husband.You cannot afford to pay for her a nd her kids keep, get her to go to a battered womans shelter as they will help her and her kids to get on their feet. Make her understand either she leaves the bum and takes the kids with her, or you have to let her fend for herself.She can surely get a job and support herself and her kids, other women have done it and are doing it. I was so
lucky to have a wonderful husband and not have all those trials. I am a widow now but I was blesses
@clamarco808 (312)
• United States
1 Sep 08
I guess she's scared of him but she shouldn't be. She has a job but heaven only knows where all of her paychecks go to when we are buying diapers for the baby & sending food to their house. I was very much abused (physically, mentally, verbally) with my ex-husband but the man that I am so very lucky to have in my life now is a blessing & then some =) I went through alot if not all of what she is going through so it makes me sick to see it all playing over again in front of me. I had to gather up the strength to leave my ex-husband and I am hoping that she will wake up & do the same one day. You are so lucky to have had such a wonderful marriage. I look at my husband's paternal grandparents who were married for over 50 yrs before his grandpa passed away a couple months ago and I can't imagine how it was. I am so sorry for your loss of such a wonderful man. Thank you =)
@Bethany1202 (3431)
• United States
31 Aug 08
That is a lot of stress. Sorry you are all going through so much right now.
It sounds like your sister-in-law needs some counseling. Many times women have emotional issues that tie them to bad relationships, even when they are being abused, and they need help to break free.
It's good at least her kids have you to depend on. I know it's hard, but you're doing the right thing.
Maybe suggest House of Ruth or some type of woman's counseling center. Many programs are free for those who need help, and I am sure a quick search for centers in your area would be helpful.
Good luck with everything, I hope it gets better soon for all of you! My heart goes out to you.
@clamarco808 (312)
• United States
31 Aug 08
Thank you so much. It's kind of ironic that my first marriage was very abusive too and I now work for a company that has sections that deal with domestic violence. I guess I see myself again in my sister-in-law's place. I know that she's the only one that can decide when she wants to break free but it's tough to watch this happening. It's like a deja vu of my past. I wish she would go to counseling cause we offer that too but she doesn't think she has a problem. I know that in a couple of days we will get that call that she got beat up again. Thanks again.
1 person likes this
