How Many..

ive had to turn and walk from so many in the last fw years for the exact same reasons. and i do look at things just as simply that black & white.. if someone cares, they do NOT want to hurt you. and if *I* were to do such things.. i wouldnt be deserving of forgiveness.. and i take great care with those i love, and expect them to value me just the same. yes.. its hard and it hurts.. but i dont make future people pay for the crimes of those from the past.. they are judged upon their own merits and actions and nothing else.

yeah the whole turn the other cheek philosophy that most of the time only leaves you with them both bloodied. ive given many many uncountable chances.. its time it ends.

spiritual cleansing can be a difficult task all by yer onesies. specially when yer mind is torn so yer focus sucks and yer heart is broken so you cling to memories. it always leaves bits behind. with regular generic folk.. its a little easier. a person who carries the same blood is downright near impossible. and shes my daughter.. something about that physical link has got me once again being ever hopeful that i wont have to sever all ties, and we are attempting to work things out. well.. *I* am, time will tell if shes being genuine or not. but another chance.. another crash of my skull. truth of it is i do love her.. im just hoping she turns around before she fully destroys that. as for you being alone.. yer not. all youve gotta do is reach for my hand.

Ahh Tess. I'm sitting here crying so hard now. I've wanted someone to say the words all my life and now you've said them and I don't know how to react...other than to blow my nose. I have a daughter, 2 actually, and the younger one is a bit of a mess. They both left home early at 11 and 12. I rarely speak to my younger daughter...it's been once in 3 years, last Christmas as if there was nothing wrong. Her life has been a mess from where her sister and I stand but Nic lives in a world of her own, neglecting her kids in the process...she has a son 19 and a daughter 11. She simply ignores everyone these days so there is simply a void . There are so many things that have happened while we 3 were a family and since and I can say I don't know her. In the past she would turn to people for help but she would use people up and when they said "No more" to her she would just move on. Her sister did so much for her for years, helping her at every turn. There is a whole lot I don't know about even as a kid she would keep things to herself, she's had a really crappy life. She gets no more chances from anyone but she doesn't seem to care. She seems very unaffected by everything in her life. I know she's my flesh and blood but I don't know how I feel about her. I don't feel connected to her in any way. Knowing your daughter as you do...just what is it you want from her? Or for her? In my case, I don't know what I want from Nicole. Peace, love? I know I want those things for her but that's as far as it goes. Thank you for being my friend and for being there for me...wish we were closer cos I could use a hug.

*HUGS anyways* regardless of the distance.. i can still make you feel it just the same what i want from her isnt so very unreasonable or unfair. simply to be a decent honorable person. honest and hard working, respectable and kind. are these things really that hard to do? same as yers.. she uses people. takes whatever she can get, cons, lies, and then moves on to the next when shes emptied them out. all the while telling lies about the person before to the new one about how terrible they were to her. she acts entitled to having whatever she wishes to have without ever doing anything to achieve it. teachers in school helped further fuel this attitude by passing her along without requiring her to do anything for it.. and i got reamed for being "mean" for my want of her flunking, being held back.. and recieving the grades shed actually earned. by the time she got into high school and the teachers actually expected she work for what she got.. she didnt know how to handle it.. continually flunked out year after year until they told her she had to leave. she was too old for public school, and she didnt seem to even want an education.. soo they kicked her out. same with whatever job she would have. shed go there.. do nothing, and expect a paycheck. she worked at a pizza place the last time she lived with me.. and i started getting phonecalls from her coworkers cussing me out. i finally called her boss and told him what was going on and i didnt appreciate his employees calling me all hours screaming at me. he let me in on the fact she would go there.. mouth off to the damned OWNER of the place saying she just couldnt do anything because she was so upset over her b|tch of a mother and her terrible home life. they let her slide for 3 months like that.. feeling sorry for her "situation", but after speaking to me, realizing she was faking her sposed trauma.. fired her. and its been this way for years.. same scenerio played out wherever she goes.. with whoever happens to take pity upon her and out of the goodness of their hearts.. wanting to "help" her. soo she winds up with a few months stay with someone rent free, expense free.. until they finally wise up to the truth, and throw her out.. where she then moves onto the next person who feels badly for her sitation and the unfairness of the people who just tossed her to the street, and take her in.. and the cycle begins again. and all i can do is sit back and watch it repeat like a video on replay constant.

thanx edgy.. think imma crawl into a hole for a while on this one. *squish*

Now that I see who you are dealing with, I can't say as I blame ya. I'd wanna crawl into a hole too. I hope things work out for ya. ANd I wish I could have a more valuable view point to share...but I dont xince my kiddies are still so young.

you listen to me rant and ramble and cry.. and that my darlin, is quite valueable. *SQUISH* the problems didnt sink in when she hit those trying teen years.. it started when she was younger than yer brood is, with the first person who thought she was too cute to reprimand and gave her a pat on the head saying "aww, dont listen to yer mom shes just mean!" and spiraled downwards from there. so be happy in knowing yers more than likely wont turn demon spawn on ya. 14 years of pretty much daily conflict and fighting.. trying to teach honor and honesty, responsibility and decency.. to have it rejected and thrown back at me. i havent got anything left in me, and as irish wisely stated.. ive got others who need mommy healthy. i havent been left with much other choice than to close the door until she decides the things ive tried to teach her are necessary to know and turns around.