is it possible to be a step mom when the bioligical mom exists
By lemayan
@lemayan (188)
Germany
September 6, 2008 10:38am CST
i am currently in a relationship that is completely new to me, my boyfriend is a very nice man reasonable, and painfully patient, he also comes in a package where he is a father and also the guardian of two boys aged 8 and 7, they are wonderful and i do believe that we get along fine but sometimes i tend to question my role in their lives, there is also the ex-wife in this picture, apparently they are divorced with my man 5 years ago, but she left the two kids behind, now my problem is when i met this man he told me him and his ex-wife finished the relationship in very hurtful terms but recently there is more of this woman in the picture, she keeps calling the house she has threatened to throw me out of the house more than once and i think to some extent she is influencing the children, but the man is firm and keeps telling me not to worry about her, she will get used to it, so my fellow MYLOTERS please advice is it possible to be a mother to these children when their mother already exists? is it possible to have a comfortable relationship with this man without the influence of his ex-wife? and what are the chances of it working or will it blow in face? Please advice
2 people like this
7 responses
@sharra1 (6340)
• Australia
7 Sep 08
Of course you can be a step mom to these children. You can never be seen in quite the same light as a biological mother but that does not mean they will not love you like a mother. Their mother abandoned them and that makes a difference.
It seems that she is trying to win them back and she is attacking you to try and do it. How do the boys feel about you? How long have you been with them? Since he is divorced from his ex wife she cannot throw you out but she may be fighting a battle to win the boys hearts back.
You face one advantage in that this woman left the boys behind. No matter how much she tries to win their hearts now there will always be that hanging over their relationship. The fact that she walk out on them. Abandonment is very hard to overcome. How could she love them if she walked out on them. I think that will always taint their relationship with their biological mother.
You will have to win the boys hearts by being a good mother to them. If you love them it will happen by itself. They will learn to love you and you will be there for them.
2 people like this
@relundad (2310)
• United States
7 Sep 08
The best thing for your sake would be to probally not get caught up in title's or roles. If the boys are in your home then you just need to treat them with love and respect. I would not get into the "who's your mama" game and put the kids in a position to choose, which is what their mother is probally doing.
As far as your man is concerned, you will need to set boundaries with him.He needs to protect you from the venom of this snake. And he needs to let her know what his expectations are for you and his household. He needs to deal with her on a "need to" basis. She is going to try and use the kids as a pawn for him to deal with her. Some women are just pleased to cause caos in your life regardless. Your communication with her should be minimal. Hopefully the kids are old enough to see thru her madness and will judge you by how you treat them. But it will definitely be hard on them because she is their mother.
You will probally find that if you don't play her game, she will finally fade away as she did when she left the kids.
1 person likes this
@lemayan (188)
• Germany
12 Sep 08
no i have not tried the mama game, the kids call me by first name and i have no intention of making them choose, but she has been pulling one on me, like she will call and say her car has a problem can the man go and check it out, she is also the kind to interrupt a quiet evening by calling and asking to be helped with or in she is that type, like she called the other evening and she asked my man to help her buy something on ebay,it really pissed me off, and i was not talking to my man when he left for work, but later i thought about it and realised the reason why she did that was exactly for that, to piss me off, or to start a fight between me and my boyfriend. so when the guy came home i was in a very cheerful mood because now i understand what she is up to and am falling for it
@ShepherdSpy (8544)
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
6 Sep 08
I'm puzzled when you say "Apparently" they're divorced in reference to Your Guy and his "Ex"...If they're divorced,there would have been settlement terms agreed giving the parent not having custody of the children access to see them.Status of Ownership of the house and any joint property would also have been settled,so unless She still has some legal claim on the house (It WAS their Marital home you now live in with Him and the kids,Yes?) She has no right to threaten to throw You out..and if She were to get physical,that's assault..It's a tricky situation you're in..I don't know from your post how the Children feel about their Natural Mom being in contact with them,but not living with them anymore,but as You said it ended on bad terms and She left..It IS possible to be Stepmom to another Woman's kids,it's just in most cases the Biological Mom is no longer around to complicate things.I hope it works out for You!
@lemayan (188)
• Germany
6 Sep 08
thank you for your response, yes they divorced settled it and the man moved out. no its not their marital home, we live in a rented apartment and after they divorced the lady got another man settled with him and had two other kids with the other come, but she seems to have a hold on him like he is on her beck and call for example a month ago she had travelled and before she came she called the man and asked him to go and pick at the airport, here was there by 7.15 a.m waited for her for 2 hours but she did not show up then later she called around 2 oclock and he went again to pick her, he came back at 5 oclock, so do you think this is healthy relationship
@ShepherdSpy (8544)
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
7 Sep 08
She's moved on to another relationship and has 2 more kids by her New partner? While You and Your Guy have your own place that She had no decision in choosing?
She May still be the Natural Mother to Your Man's Kids,but She's crazy if She thinks she can threaten your place with him at this stage!
Be happy with Your Guy,and I hope the Kids like having You around..
Having to overnight in New York due to weather postponing a leg of my last flight to Washington DC,making flight connections and plans around them isn't as easy as it could be..things crop up..I'd make a 6 hour round trip to pick up MY SO at the airport,but I don't think I'd like it if there was a cancellation that I didn't get word of and finding I'd had a wasted journey on arrival..Don't they have cellphones? Don't stress how her New relationship is going with Her New Guy..She's moved on..Go ahead and Make your own plans with Your Guy excluding her as much as possible..
1 person likes this
@JLMack (68)
• United States
7 Sep 08
Are you in Love with this man? If so and he loves you, which it seems he does then you have a good chance. If you have a good relationship with the boys then just keep doing what you are doing. Their mother left them, she will pull some dirty punches. But your fella seems to think that he can take care of it. He has gaurdianship so if it gets to bad he can keep her away. She will mess it up for herself. Just give the boys love and make your home a happy loving home and everything will work out. It will be a little rough, but if you really care then it is well worth it.
Love, Patients, and Understanding is all you need. God Bless.
1 person likes this
@sweetbabyjane (1929)
• United States
7 Sep 08
My ex-husband only had one child and that is our daughter. He was married 3 times since he divorced me. So he was married 3 different times. He never thought of his wives as his daughters step mom. The women didn't acknowledge her and try to get to know her. Of course, my daughter would visit with her daddy at his mothers house. Maybe that was why the wives never really got to know her. She never thought of her daddy's wives as her step mom.
@pinkpassion5 (351)
•
7 Sep 08
Yes it is possible to be a step mom even if the biological mother exists. I am a step mother and speaking from experience you can never take the place of the kids real mother. Just be there for the kids and support them. You can't play the game the ex is playing because it will affect the kids. Let her play her games and just ignore her. Don't stoop to her level and be petty. It's just not worth it. You have to focus on your relationship and what's best for the kids involved. The rest really doesn't matter!!! I hope things work out for you. All the best.
@pinkpassion5 (351)
•
12 Sep 08
I can honestly say it wasn't easy for the first few years. There were a lot of ups and downs. It is almost 11 years now. The last 5 or 6 have been great. She is 19 now and we have a great relationship. She lives with her mom but she visits alot and knows that I am here for her to talk anytime. It's great and I wouldn't change a thing!
@hunterbme (8)
• United States
7 Sep 08
i think you can be a motherly figure even if the biological mother is still in the picture. however, she IS their biological mother, so she should be able (and hopefully willing!) to be a part of their lives, even if she doesnt live with them anymore. UNLESS of course she is abusive or mean to them. i know some children that would rather live with their step parents rather than their biological parents, because their biological parents are mean or abusive. just remember, there IS a difference between being a BIOLOGICAL mother and a REAL mother. good luck! im sure you will be a fine mother!
