my boys deserve better than me...

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i am a mummy but i don't deserve my children, they don't deserve the life that i am giving them.. don't get me wrong..i am not abusing them or anything so awful.. it's just that their father is an alcoholic and i am still here living with him.. i have had to put up with verbal, emotional (and rare physical)abuse for so long...but i have always shielded my kids from it...and so has he... he won't say or do anything in front of the kids...although he has upset them by shouting at them if they wake him too early.. i am still here living in this mess, my children deserve better than this... i don't know what to do, but i think that i should sort out my will and arrange for my boys to be cared for by my little brother and his partner.. me? i am giving up on life...i am 36 years old, with nothing but my children to show for my life so far.. i have no real ambition,little motivation and even less energy and drive to do anything in order to improve my life and those of my little boys... i thought things would get better, that they would improve with time..but they haven't..they got worse.. i am 21st without any motivation to lose weight...inside my mind, i know the good that i should be doing...but in reality i don't do it... i eat at erratic times...i snack in between meals...i have little routine with my dining..but i do try to keep my boys to a routine though.. i want to do something proper with my life...i want my boys to be proud of me...but i have nothing... i don't even have the strength anymore.. i hear stories of others who are much worse off than me, and i am humbled... for a minute i feel inspired...but that feeling dissipates very quickly...into a vast black hole...(maybe one exists after all) i don't want sympathy, because, quite honestly, my self-pity and i don't deserve it... but i do want understanding.....or just someone who has a magic wand and make everything all right.. as i say, my mind is giving up on life...how long will it be before my body does too..not too long i hope...