I am hurting so badly at the hands of my daughter and her family....
By Loverbear
@Loverbear (4918)
United States
September 21, 2008 3:23pm CST
I have posted before about the problems I had with my daughter and her family when they stayed with me for nine months. It seems like it is still haunting me seven months after I got them moved out of my house.
For those who missed my previous posts, I'll try to be brief when I fill you in. My daughter called a year ago Memorial Day weekend asking if they could come up and stay for a "few" days. Right off the bat their van blew the engine and I had to go pick up my daughter, son in law, the son in law's uncle, and my two grand daughters...oh and their two cats.
I got them home and my daughter calmly announced that they would be staying until they got their bills caught up. They NEVER get their bills caught up!!! They have been married for almost 14 years and out of that time they probably have lived away from either his mom or me for the sum and total of 3 years!
The nightmare started. I lost control over my home and was told what I could and couldn't do in my home. I wasn't able to watch any of my television shows, close down the house and go to bed at a sane hour, reprimand my grand daughters, or have much say in anything. I had to pack 90% of my belongings because my grand daughters couldn't stay out of things. I packed the rest of my stuff into my bedroom which was a tight fit. The grand daughters couldn't even stay out of my bedroom and the belongings that I had in there. I have an antique dough box end table that I have to see if I can get it refinished as the girls took something sharp to it and scored the hell out of the table. Then, adding to the list, my daughter and son in law borrowed my Acura that I had bought myself for Christmas just before they moved in with me, and I got it back with 45,000 miles on it (in less than 9 months) and my son in law used it to drive off road. The floor board was dented into the passenger compartment behind the passenger seat, the catalytic converter was damaged so the car wouldn't pass smog. I sold the car earlier this year...I paid six thousand dollars for the car and got eight hundred out of it.
The saga continues, I told the grand daughters that they weren't to play with my dogs without asking. Even though my dogs have always been raised to be gentle and not bite, sometimes they have bad days (like all of us humans). Well four days before Christmas my eldest grand daughter (aged 13) came into my room crying, my dog bit her. My daughter went nuts and demanded that I have him put down right NOW!!! I tried to get her to calm down and at least let me keep them through the holidays. No soap. I got to haul them in to town, alone, and have the one put down and surrender the other one for adoption--with luck. It made for a wonderful Christmas!
Oh, then my Christmas. I spent nearly a thousand dollars on gifts for them. Getting them each gifts that I knew they would love and that were too expensive for them to get for themselves. My daughter had gotten grant money and a bonus from the place she worked. They bought his mother a computer, the girls got a video system and games and tons more, and I ended up with two half pound bags of m & m's, a tin of horrible cookies, and a tea mug with some tea that I bought her in it. My BF was there when we opened our gifts and he was appalled, hurt and embarrassed for me. As I said they could have put that $20 into a Starbucks gift card or bought me a used dryer as I really needed one.
My washer was destroyed by my daughter. She consistantly overloaded the washer and it finally just rocked its self off the braces and the motor burned up. When the home owners association sent me the letter stating that they had to move out, someone peed on the carpet in the bedroom they were using. They also took $900 that I had put aside for my home owners association fees. I figure that the costs of having them stay with me amounted to around $20,000 with the damages and the fines that were levied by the home owners association for rule violations and also the $1000 plus electric bill that they ran up. I also am out of propane which I use for heating my water for my showers. I am currently using an electric water heater that I have for my laundry room. I run the hose to the tub and fill it with hot water that way for taking baths.
My car was repossessed because I have been frantically paying on my home owners fees because I need to keep my roof over my head. My BF is taking me to town for what ever I need to do. Hopefully by December I can get another car, after I get my loan money from my college. I lost it last fall because I didn't pass my classes. I couldn't because my son in law hogged the computer. I would tell him that I needed to use the computer and he'd say "Yes, in a couple of minutes" and 8 hours later he'd still be on it. I clocked him and he would spend 24 to 36 hours at a stretch on the computer looking for ways to make money.
I finally heard from my daughter a couple of days ago. She apologized for "things that were said and not said". I hurt so bad from the treatment I received from them. The agreement was that the husband and uncle were to help with the heavy work around the house (I have a lot of repair work to do as I inherited the house from my Mom and she wasn't able to do the carpentry work that needs to be done), well the pair would just sit in chairs outside and drink, smoke cigarettes and pot and swap lies. Nothing got done. They would work for neighbors and earn a substantial amount of money under the table and would blow it on booze and pot.
I live in constant pain, and their help would have been so wonderful. I have a neck injury that isn't stabilized and it shifted again and now my hands, arms and shoulders are in constant pain! Putting up with having five people in a mobile home built for two people max was putting even more strain on me. I didn't want the grand daughters to be out on the street! What has happened has forced me to try to find extra work that pays under the table. Now I am in so much more pain that I can't even face doing extra work to get by financially.
I am trying to get over the hurt, and there is a lot of hurt there. From having to put down one of the dogs and get rid of the other (one of them was my Mom's and I promised to take care of them when my Mom was on her death bed...I consider death bed promises the most binding in the world!!!) to having my car repossessed because I couldn't keep up with the payments and pay off the bills that they left behind. I would have done much better if my daughter hadn't emailed me a few days ago. I guess she feels that enough time has passed that it's okay to rub salt in my wounds. I just hurt so badly because with paying off the bills and keeping just barely enough food in house for the month I can't do anything extra. I'm on a limited income from disability and having that much money taken away from me because of my daughter and family is making the hurt worse. My BF is footing the bill for driving me to town, helping with food costs and what ever else comes along that is unexpected. It makes me feel like a beggar!!! I look out at my empty garage and I hurt even worse. As my best friend said "How could a daughter do something like that to her mother?"
6 people like this
16 responses
@sudalunts (5523)
• United States
21 Sep 08
I am sorry to hear what you had to go through with your daughter. I am sorry that you did not put your foot down from the beginning. It was your home, you were doing her a favor. I never would have put my pet to sleep because someone else told me to. The dog was there before her, if she didn't want to deal with it she should have left. How could she take advantage of you like that and then leave you with debt is beyone my comprehension. She needs to do more than apoogize, she owes you big time.
I know what is done is done, but I wished you would have been a little more adamant and firm when she was there.
So where is she now, living off of someone else?
And they really didn't think they could have given you something better for Christmas than M&M's.
Unbelievable!!!!!
I hope soon, you will be able to have things back to normal.
1 person likes this
@sudalunts (5523)
• United States
22 Sep 08
That is a shame, is this your only child? As they say "WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND" one day she will be sorry for the way she has treated you. I feel so bad for you, I hope you can get on with your life, and I pray that your daughter will get it together for the sake of her daughters.
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
23 Sep 08
BTW, I forgot to mention that she is my only child. I was so thrilled at having a daughter the I didn't want to have more children (plus I couldn't). So much for only children. I didn't spoil her, we both worked for what we wanted and she had regular chores to do. It is so disappointing that she turned out this way!
@pau_79 (790)
• Philippines
22 Sep 08
There is such thing as too much...I hope your daughter wakes up and realize that you did all you could and she just didnt appreciate anything you did.
I hope everything will work out in the future. Ihope she realize her mistake soon.
Look on the bright side -you just have to something for yourself if she dont know how to appreciate you.
Do you believe in miracles? Try to go to church in a regular basis and all your worries will be lifted and you can include her in your prayers that way no matter where she is you know someone will look out for her.
Im a mother myself and I know how much you love your daughter but sometimes we have to discipline them as well
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
23 Sep 08
I do believe in miracles! I had two happen in my life. First, I had gone to visit a breeder of Mini Dachshunds. I was so miserable without my two dogs that I wanted to have companions. I told the breeder what happened as I was looking at the puppies. Unfortunately the puppies were $600 each and there was no way that I could afford it. I thanked the lady and went home. I got a call a couple of days later, it was the lady calling me asking me to come back to the kennel. I called and made an appointment for the next day.
I got there and in the exercise pen were two dogs, both adults and both the sweetest things you'd ever want to meet. I played with them and loved them and again thanked the lady. She looked at me and asked me how I liked them. Of course I was in love with the pair and told her that, adding that I couldn't afford them. She looked at me and stated: "I didn't say a word about money! When you left I went in and cried over your loosing your dogs in such a horrible way, I want you to have these two dogs free of charge as long as you give them a good home." I went home with two of the best friends that I could have!
Then, one day my BF and I were in town and he suggested that the dogs might need to go to the bathroom. So we found a vacant field and got the dogs out. The little boy stayed close, but Monica the adventurous female promptly got loose and disappeared. We were frantic because the field was bordered by two very busy streets and I was sure she would end up a black spot in the road. My BF and I searched for an hour and a half. We even had the homeowners around the area searching. Then, in the middle of the field, in total frustration and misery, I called upon my angels to bring my dog back to me, that I couldn't possibly leave without her! I opened my eyes and she materialized about a hundred feet from me. I mean materialized! One second she wasn't there and then she was!! I called her name and it was like she was being carried to me by someone.
I haven't had contact with my daughter since March. I dump her emails and delete her calls. I am so disgusted that I don't want contact until she can prove that she and the family have changed and are self sufficient.
I am slowly recovering from the disappointment and hurt...I have been blessed with wonderful friends, neighbors and a great boy friend that have been there to help me heal. Plus, God has blessed me with a house full of loving and nutty companions of the furry persuasion that keep me entertained and cared for. Plus, this discussion has helped me enormously! I thought it was my fault (which it is for my allowing it to happen. But when you stop to think about it, many of the things that they did were also used in brain washing. Sleep deprivation is one of the big things they did. I would get maybe 3 hours of sleep a night...) The point is they are living about two hundred miles away and I am much happier having them there!
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
22 Sep 08
HI Loverbear, What a horribly sad story! I have 4 daughters and I would be so sad if such bad feelings between us. As I read your story, I saw a bit of both sides. For one thing, no one at all can walk all over you like that unless you allow it. It appears that you have a heart that is way too soft. I understand the tough position you were in and I also would have allowed them to move in. I would NOT have lent my son-in-law who is obviously not a responsible person, my car. I would NOT have allowed him to sit on MY computer like that when I needed to work! I have 2 grandchildren & I have never put any of my stuff away when they are here. It is my home and my rules. It's tough love, hon. It's hard but it works. Your daughter & her family were very wrong to take advantage of your kindness but it looks like both you and his family have allowed them to walk all over you both for years. If I were you, I'd chalk this up to a very expensive learning lesson & make ammends & take any & all help they are willing to offer. In the future, If they want to stay with you, lay down the law before they even arrive and then...stick to it! If they don't, then kick them out. Keep the kids but kick them out. If they take the kids, they will find a way to cope with their situation or they'll be back with different attitudes! As for putting the dog down....I would never have done that just because they said to...ever! If the dog is not a vicious dog then obviously it was provoked. They need to teach the kids how to treat animals and people!
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
22 Sep 08
Loverbear I am sorry your daughter has done all these things to you, but you should have stopped all this at the start. if these people were all wo rking, they should have been paying rent to you not making you put out all that money. You kept doing and doing and they kept taking and taking, surely you could have spoke up and said I cannot do anymore for you. pay your own way.I find it hard to have a lot of sympathy as I sit here with my son out of wo rk, bills pilling up and our apartment rent overdue and they want to evict us , you should have said no way back before everything got so bad. granted they should not have treated you like that but you should have stopped them too. good luck hope things get a lot better.
@TessWhite (3146)
• United States
22 Sep 08
I couldn't agree more Hatley. People have got to learn to say no to family members like that. I mean come on, if you know they are like this then why keep putting up with it?
@Jade13 (262)
• Malaysia
22 Sep 08
Your encounter troubles me. Especially having to put down one of your dogs. I bet it hurts you a lot. I cannot even imagine. I'm really angry at your daughter now. How could she do this. Don't she feel shame? Its obviously she's leeching from you.I tell you what, since Christmas is coming, why don't you go somewhere near, may be spend it away from home for a short Christmas break with your BF. That would be nice. As for your daughter, I think you should state the limit clearly, tell her how you feel.
1 person likes this
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
22 Sep 08
I think you have a great idea, she does need to spend it away from home, and not even mention her plans to her daughter. As for getting them anything for Christmas, if it were me, not in this lifetime! I might send the granddaughters some little something, but that would be it. After all, it's not really their fault that they don't have parents who are responsible adults.
@Annamcarra (116)
• United States
22 Sep 08
I would give my right arm and the left one too, my heart, my kidneys, my lungs, my blood, every part of my being for any one of my children. Money as we need it to buy things is just disposable paper. The "things" we hold so dear will eventually break as they too are disposable. Your child well I need not say how precious they are. It seems she never learned responsibility and respect. A person can not practice what they do not know.
Is it really worth harbouring resentment, that will only eat you alive. I respect you tried to help her and am sorry it cost you so much (the life of your pet) and I am sorry you feel pain both emotional and physical. Maybe it may be the daughters turn to take in the Mother so you can get back on your feet. You never know what may happen in life and family is precious. Everyone gets angry but who does it help to stay angry? Really the anger only prolongs the pain. Some emotional pain can actually cause physical pain to be worse. I would suggest forgiveness and a new start. No one can change yesterday, it's in the past. Love given unconditionally is what will heal the wounds.
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
22 Sep 08
Where her daughter is concerned, 'love given unconditionally' means give me a home, money, your car, and let me run your life mom. Sometimes forgiveness can be a good thing, however, in this case, her daughter doesn't deserve it. And I have know too many people like her daughter, they do not change, as long as they can mooch off of someone else, they see nothing wrong with it. She needs to cut all ties with them, yes it's sad that their daughters have to be subjected to this, but her daughter needs to grow up.
@Annamcarra (116)
• United States
22 Sep 08
Forgiveness is for the benefit of the Mother so she can free herself and move on to happiness. Perhaps forgiveness will not sink in with the daughter as she yet needs to learn respect but for the sake of the Mothers pain, forgiving and putting it in God's hands is the best thing she can do. The Universe has a way of teaching the daughter, it's called karma.
I too have been disrespected by my own children at some point in time, I understand the pain but in forgiving them for their mistake it eased my emotional pain and in time they learned through unconditional Love to give the respect due. You see Love has a way of teaching unspoken lessons. People expect to get a rise out of you and some even feed off the negativity so by suppressing that negative energy it gives room for the positive to flourish. Of course she wont forget how she was treated but at least be able to move forward and have some personal happiness. It is obvious that she dearly Loves her family and what a noble thing to do to take them in. It is a shame that she was taken advantage of and I will Pray for her that her needs are met. I read a quote from Albert Einstein that said "One pays the most for the things one gets for nothing". The daughter may learn the hard way and hopefully not before it's to late to make amends.
@tammytwo (4298)
• United States
22 Sep 08
I am sorry that you went through this. But I do have to say why did you allow it. That is your home and you had the right to say from the beginning what will be tolerated and what will not. You should have never given them the keys to your vehicle and you should have called the police when there was pot smoking going on in your house. I am sorry but this behavior was allowed because you didn't put an end to it. Put your foot down now and do not allow them to ever come back.
@signum (545)
• Australia
23 Sep 08
Loverbear, you're too kind for your own good. There's no way in hell that I would have put up with that crap...not a second of it.
The grandchildren sound like spoiled brats who are manipulative and are just going to be like your daughter and her husband when they grow up.
Your daughter used you, and will probably do it again if you are not more cautious.
You said that you get the feeling that she's trying to make amends for the past simply because Christmas is coming along and she wants the cool presents that she knows you would normally get for them.
Get them a bag of M&M's and see how they feel about it.
I just don't get for the life of me how someone could do that to the person that raised them.
I am so sorry that you felt you had to put the dog down and give the other one up for adoption, but If I were you, I would have made it clear that if they did not like the dogs, get out.
You're obviously a very patient person who has the ability to bite her tongue and do the right thing by others, but when are you going to look after number one???
You are just as important as the rest of the world, and your health is not worth ruining by having them around.
I understand that she's your daughter and that you love her, but why put yourself through the torment of what she has done to you?
You're boyfriend sounds like a doll, and you're lucky you had someone there for you when you needed it most.
Your daughter and her family are ungrateful and it's about time they learned to stand on their own.
It blows my mind that you've taken her in on more than one occasion. Without meaning to be harsh, you'd think that you learned from the first time and would not do it again.
I really hope that you won't ever help her or her family out again as they really just do not deserve your kindness.
I must say I like the way you've done your will, and please don't change it to leave them more.
They'll never learn if they have everything handed to them on a silver platter.
Good Luck and keep strong and don't let them walk on you again or else!!!
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
22 Sep 08
I could honestly say that even though I lived with my parents until I got married and had been out of work quite a few times during that period, I was never a pot smoker or destroying household item let alone demanded a pet get put down. I didn't make enough to live somewhere else and whenever I got paid I gave my mom some money in a way I was paying for my food and water. When I was out of work I did the housework every day aside from cooking and sometimes laundry. I was not raised spoiled and if I ever did what your daughter did to you, I would have been thrown out to the street and my child would be taken away from me.
I am not saying that you have raised your daughter wrong. I have no kids on my own I can't imagine how hard it is raising a child the right way. But I can't help to wonder why you bought them expensive gifts after what they have done to you, your pet and basically your life. No doubt that you love her, but is money the only way to express it, and has she ever behaved as a daughter to you at least for the last 2 years or so, to ever deserve such a love? Maybe it's true people said a mother's love is unconditional, but what your daughter has done to you is a bad example to her own child, I am pretty sure social service in your country would be happy to take your grandchild away from pot smokers. You do not want the grandchild to live out on the streets, but is this child really safe with his/ her own parents? Can your daughter be a good mother while she smokes pot and not a good daughter in the beginning? I am sorry to have said all this but I just can't understand how as a home owner and her own mother, you allowed her to do this to you and your life. I just read your comments saying that you were abused by your brother, but then again this is your daughter and you gave birth of her or else she wouldn't be around at all would she? She needs to learn that apology is not always enough, there is no better time to teach her this but now. You are her mother, you can do this. You know her, you gave birth of her, you are the best person to teach her this before it's too late. I am hoping your health gets better so you can get off disability and find extra work to start over financially also.
@annjilena (5618)
• United States
22 Sep 08
you know i normally don,t read stories this long but yours, i had too i can,t believe she treated her mom, this way it sound like her husband is a lazy man and he can not care for his family, how can you put this much responsiblity on anyone. they need there behind kicked over and over again where is the respect here they as a family, showed no respect to you at all i feel so bad for them treating you this way i hope you can pull it all back together soon its going to be ok hang in there.
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
21 Sep 08
How could a daughter do that to her mother? How in the hell did you LET them do that to you? They were living in YOUR home, not the other way around. I'm sorry, but I would take either one of my daughters in if they needed it, but I would not put up with what you did for .034 seconds! I can't believe you spent that much on them for Christmas after the way they treated you. I still just can't get over the fact that you let them stay that long, and put up with it. I would not have had to put away one thing of mine. As for the granddaughters, my daughter would have been told that while they are living in my home, they will mind me. Ann Landers once wrote 'you can't be a doormat for anyone, unless you allow it'. Sounds like you allowed them to move in and take over. Them telling me what I could and could not do in my own home.........that just wouldn't have happened even for a minute. They would either shape up or ship out!
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
22 Sep 08
I spent so much of my life in upset and terror. My brother abused me constantly as I was growing up, and my parents were always fighting and threatening divorce. I promised myself that I wouldn't have that kind of upset in my life. I guess I holed in too much and just let it happen around me. My BF came down many many times during the time my daughter and her family were there and picked me up off the floor and took me to his home to try to get me calmed down from the hysterical crying.
I will state that they are no longer welcome in my home for more than a couple of hours, if even that. I get the feeling that my daughter is trying to mend fences because Christmas is coming up again and they want the loot from Grandma. It isn't going to happen. I still hurt from loosing the dog, especially since my daughter's mother in law has a maltez that has bitten everyone including the owner. Our animal control has a bite complaint on file as the dog bit a neighbor so badly that the neighbor needed emergancy care. The dog has bitten the grand daughters and my daughter has NEVER demanded that the dog be put down, yet she had the guts to pull it on me!
To be honest, I am having a very very bad time even considering forgiving the lot of them. I just can't imagine someone treating someone else in the way I've been treated. I have always been a giving person and am right there to help out other people who are in desparate need. I have helped friends that have needed food and clothes and I got a phone call from one of them the other day. They are expecting a sitmulus payment and they want to know what I can use in the way of food. They want to share the wealth and help me out during this rough time. They are planning to buy me some of my favorite tea that I haven't been able to afford. The last box I had my boy friend bought me and I allowed myself only one cup of it a day. The friend is also planning to buy me meat and they have asked my boy friend what else they could get me. I sit here right now wanting to cry because these friends have more concern for me than my own daughter!
I have had to promise the home owners association that the kids will NOT EVER stay with me for any period longer than two nights at the most. It was the easiest promise I ever signed!
@TessWhite (3146)
• United States
22 Sep 08
WOW! Why in the world would you put up with all of that??? I'm so very sorry your family is like that. I guess I didn't see the part of your post that explained why they aren't still living with you and mooching off of you. But, for your sake I'm glad they are gone. Honestly, if it was my family like that I'd change my phone number, block my email and change the locks on the house. Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to put up with that much crap! I sincerely hope things improve for you.
@platinum601 (276)
• United States
22 Sep 08
Its soo sad reading t his. What type of kids are they. I think you should just tell them straight up that they need to leave and give you your space. Tell them that enough is enough and mention alll the things you mentioned here. Just say you ccant offord to keep them, so say something like they need to go or you will go.
@inrage_angel (90)
• Japan
22 Sep 08
you know what..you are partly to blame cause you let your daughter and her hsuband to walk all over you. You shud have put your foot down the moment they said they r gonna stay for awhile. One thing i learned in life is people will walk over you if you let them and people sometimes take advantage of other peoples kindness. You shud have told your daughter she can stay a few days only coz she got a family of her own now and her husband shud be the one taking care of their family and not YOU. I think you should tell your daughter what trouble she got you into and demand she repay you that way she wont think of coming over again and ask to stay. Her husband and his uncle should learn some manners too. Dont be too kind and just sit and do nothing about it. Its your life..get a grip on it. And next time they asked to come and visit..tell them exactly what you feel about it!
@granmeme (162)
• United States
22 Sep 08
I agree with your comment totally, but I would take it a step further and if the situation ever came up again tell her daughter that she and the two granddaughters can stay for a short while but husband and other relatives cannot stay . Sounds like someone needs to be teaching those girls some manners and good behavior and a lot of respect for their Grandmother.
I know it is easy to say what a person will do in a situation and the reality of a situation is totally different. It is very hard to stand up to people . Somehow we get to feeling like we do not deserve to be treated with respect.
@mlsevenfold (9)
• United States
22 Sep 08
Wow, this really dug deep. I can't imagine ever doing anything like that to my mother. It would kill me inside to know that she was hurt because of me. Did you and your daughter have problems when she was growing up? If not, then it could be her marriage to your son-in-law that has changed her. I have a relative that ended up in a situation to where her husband made her view on life very different than it should have been. She never called, showed up at family reunions, or anything that had to do with her family.
I don't blame you at all for chewing out your grandchildren because at ages 10 and 13 you should know what is right and what isn't. Even if they didn't know, they had to be taught. The fact that you were yelled at for telling them the truth is ridiculous. To be honest, if those kids aren't being taught healthy ways of living or are being allowed to not even change their underwear daily, someone should be notified and the parents should be given a warning. Sometimes it takes losing something precious before you realize you've made mistakes. I'm sorry about your dog too. That is appalling at how you had to put one down just because your daughter told you to. It was YOUR dog, not hers. I'd have been devastated.
Try and not let this get to you. I know it may be a hard thing to do, but the best thing would be to let it all be the past and look ahead to the future and doing what YOU want to do. No one should ever be treated like that.
@cheepskater (2)
• United States
22 Sep 08
I've heard stories of 30-somethings still living with their parents and I don't know what happened along the way, but there is an undeserved sense of entitlement that people have nowadays. Your story is at an extreme and yes, it is abusive. It is financial swindling and victimization. I don't know how old you are, but I have heard that there are government agencies with an interest to help protect you from elder abuse - especially if you are disabled. Also, it would be wise to prepare in case they try "crashing at your place again". I'm not a lawyer, but I have heard that renters and home owners can try contacting a legal aid office for help when they are facing eviction - legal aid offices are non-profit or charge very low fees. In the mean time, also look into free mental health services (sometimes hospitals, and colleges offer this), it sounds like you are very stressed and hopefully you can get in touch with someone who can guide you constructively and positively. Hang in there!
