How to handle other grown women?
By reinydawn
@reinydawn (11643)
United States
September 21, 2008 7:03pm CST
Oh my gosh... I'm going to try to make this brief, but still give you some of the background. I was totally humiliated by a neighbor and I'm not sure what to do about it...
I am a member of our communities Ladies Auxiliary. We plan all the community functions - holiday parties for children and adults, fundraisers to pay for the holiday parties, welcoming new neighbors, celebrating births and such. I alot of things are done by the Ladies Auxiliary. I enjoy being a member and help out as much as I can. Just like the other ladies involved.
About a year ago, probably a little less, the then President of the Ladies Auxiliary quit. One day, and I'm not even sure why - never was - she e-mailed the entire group and the community board that she was resigning effective immediately as the President of the Ladies Auxiliary with no explaination. Although I don't agree with how she handled it, it was a change that was needed. For the most part, she was slacking in her duties because of some heavy personal situations. I totally agree that her personal life was more important, we tried to get her to let us help her through it all, but she thought she could still do it. She had been missing meetings and not answering our calls to keep her in the loop. All in all it was a positive thing.
It took us a while to get things back together - first the total shock, then the upheaval, then the rebuilding. Through all this, this woman constantly criticized eveything we did. All we'd hear from her was "Oh, that never happened when I was the president." We told her a few time that she more than welcome to still be a part of the Auxiliary and we valued her imput and support. After a while we just started ignoring her because she was just trying to make us look bad. We were actually doing pretty good without her.
Well, for the past 6 months or so, we've been trying to figure out what to give her as a Thank You for being the President for so many years. We finally found a very nice planter and had it engraved for her. It was really nice. Well, today we went to deliver it to her. Our biggest concern was that she'd refuse it and we decided that if she did than that was fine, we did the right thing. We also made her a nice little certificate that just said we appreciate all the hard work she had done in the past. It was sincere and we were trying to put all the bad things behind us.
Well, as soon as we walked in the door and told her we had appreciation gifts for her she said "I'll take the certificate, but I don't want THAT" - she never even openned it. She was very rude and the new president (who used to be this womans best friend) got into an argument with her about something that happened 4 months ago. The new president at one point yelled at the woman telling her to start acting like a mature woman about all this. I was totally mortified and absolutely speechless. I was actually glad that this woman threw us out of her home - literally!
Now, I will call the current president and tell her that she owes the past president an apology. What she did was rude and as a representative of our organization it was totally uncalled for.
I also want to call the past president and tell her that her behavior was out of line also. She never even looked at what we got her, what it said and what it stood for. She belittled our efforts to make amends as well as our desire to thank her for her prior years of service for the community.
Then, part of me says - STAY OUT OF IT! I'm so embarrassed that I'm considering quitting the Auxiliary. I don't know that I can support the women that will act this way. I have no children here - mine are grown - and 90% of the things we do are for the kids in the neighborhood. I want to tell them that the women with the kids can organize it all.
ARGH!! Thanks for letting me vent. And if you have any sage advice, I will gladly listen - I might not take it, but I'll listen with an open mind.
3 people like this
13 responses
@Amberina (1541)
• United States
22 Sep 08
Wow it sounds like you are a very nice group of ladies to put up with the old pres and make her a gift only to have her throw it in your face. I'm sorry that it happened to you maybe she is just taking her personal issues out on you ladies, the new president shouldn't have acted that way maybe she was just defending herself.
Anyway, what I would do if I where you is take a break a couple of days away to think about what you should do next, relax and let the solution just come to you. Or you can quit and move on, sometimes change is a good thing when one door closes another opens.
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
22 Sep 08
Thanks. I'm not looking forward to seeing what comes of this in Tuesday though. We're having our community elections and she's making a stink about things there too. She's going to be booted (by the Ladies Auxiliary) from a committee she's been on. Part of that committee is being on the Ladies Auxiliary and she left that months ago. I can't wait for it to all be over with...
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
22 Sep 08
Well I think you should just stay out of it, the past President was very rude, it was a nice gesture on eveyones part to buy the present and not even open it is just plain rude, I think I would have said something very sarcastic to her, there is no excuse for anyone to be rude, people must think first of the feelings of the other people involved...I think you should just be nice and let them wallow in their own unhappiness...you should just have fun with this or leave it all...best of luck to you, enjoy it all...
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
22 Sep 08
Thank you. It is probably best just to let it go. I'm still seething over it so I know I definitely can't do anything until I can be rational about it.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
22 Sep 08
Though you are right in thinking the way you do, I think you should stay out of it. Better still...if you really need to get your views out there, you can quit with a general explanation that things aren't working out the way you think they should. And then someone's bound to ask you why you feel that way and you can tell them how you feel about the whole thing. Just remember to do it in a dignified way and not to stoop to the level of the two women.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
25 Sep 08
I thought you wouldn't want to enter into an argument with anyone.
But sometimes, I get really angry about certain things (like people going away from the common goal) and really need to let people know how I feel. I will refrain from arguing but put my opinion across in a proper way where people will atleast listen (even if they don't take any action or do anything constructive).
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
27 Sep 08
Yeah, I'm not big on arguing - with anyone, it's not worth it. But I also feel that it's important to get your point across. I don't have to make sure that they agree with me, but I do like to be heard.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
23 Sep 08
I have no intention of coming to a hollering match over this. Personally, I'l like us all to just get along. I know people are different and all that, but we all have a common goal and it would be nice to concentrate on that instead of bickering over stuff that happened MONTHS ago. It just makes me sick to think I'm associated with this, although indirectly.
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
23 Sep 08
If it were me, I'd have to decide if the stress involved were worth the benefits of the group. If so, then I'd just do what I needed to do in the group and let the women fight it out between themselves. It sounds alot like there are a couple of children dressed up like women that haven't learned how to be grown up women. I doubt if you talking to both of them will change things and may just turn their anger on you. I hope it works out for you.
[b]**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~[/b]
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
25 Sep 08
I was talking to one of the other girls that was there and she said it's time for them both to put their big girl pants on! They have both apologized to me (and at least one of the other womne there) for making a scene like that. They know they should have handled it between themselves. I do enjoy being part of the Auxiliary and planning stuff for the neighborhood and all, but I do have to decide if the stress is worth it...
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
24 Sep 08
WOW I do not even know where to start. I would have been so mortified that this happened in front of me. I think the women involved need to grown up. I do not think the first president should have acted in such a way. She was being so ungracious. She was the one who stepped down on her own, then she acted so silly when she would say "This would never happen when I was president". Sounds like she was and still is acting like a spoiled child.
Now the one who got into the fight with her at her home was also out of line. I think both women need to be taken out and spanked.
I think both women own everyone involved including you an apology. I think if this is swept under the rug then I would not want to be involved in an organization with people like that. Once this gets out into the community everyone involved looks bad. I think the new president needs to step down if she cannot control herself any better than that.
It sounds like both women where ready for a fight and you got caught in the middle of it.
I am horrified that this happened and I would not go back. I would see if there was another organization to donate your time to.
Good luck my friend.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
25 Sep 08
Actually, both women have apologized to me (and at least one other person that was there) individually. I do hope that we can just get over this and get back to the task at hand - the community. I'm going to (most likely) stick it out with the Auxiliary through the holidays - I'm on a couple party commities so I've got to do that. We'll have to see how it plays out though. Wish me luck!
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
25 Sep 08
reiny I can understand you sticking it out for your commitments. When I tell someone I am going to do something I do it or have a darned good reason not to. Good luck I hope the whole group can get over this last problem and I hope the old president will say away from the group now and keep her dirty comments to herself.
1 person likes this
@fasttalker (2796)
• United States
22 Sep 08
Sounds like a great organization. I would Stay Out Of It. Both adults acted inappropritely but the sad part is people will not usually change and you will end up bing th bad guy (gal). Looks like a prime opportunity for the group to move on from the past. Let it go and press forward should be the new motto. When and if it's mentioned just remind them of a new idea or something to move on from it. I don't see any good coming out of it by confronting either of them. You know what they say "The more it is stirred the more it stinks". Good Luck and keep up the good work!
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
23 Sep 08
Thanks! Although I'd love to see these former friends reconcile, I do know there's nothing I can do about it. I can do my best to make sure that it doesn't effect the Auxiliary in a bad way. It's going to be hard to be tactful and get them to "get over it" at our meetings, and if it doesn't happen I will most likely have to get out of the whole thing (unfortunately).
@GardenGerty (160908)
• United States
22 Sep 08
Basically, I think you said it. They each owe the other an apology, but I doubt it will be forthcoming. The unstable nature that you are seeing would make me want to quit as well. I do not think you need the garbage that they are throwing. It sounds like a bunch of very childish people.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
22 Sep 08
This whole thing has been pretty childish, and I thought it was over with. Today was totally unexpected. I normally don't say much, just help out when I'm needed. I think I might just leave it that way...
@cbreeze (1205)
• United States
22 Sep 08
I wouldn't leave the Auxillary, but I would stay out of the situation between the current and past president. It sounds like they have some personal issues. Your involvement would probably only make it worse and widen the dischord to include the auxillary. Put your best foot forward and continue the good work you do through the auxillary. If the auxillary becomes too problematic, I would leave that too and find another means of volunteering and giving. Take care.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
23 Sep 08
I know they have differences and I also know that the current president needs to leave it out of the Auxiliary functions. She made us all look bad by her actions, which is why I'm not sure I want to do this any more. I'll most likely wait for the next meeting to see what happens before I make a decision...
@TessWhite (3146)
• United States
22 Sep 08
Personally I'd stay out of it. By joining in or getting involved it can cause problems for you. I know how you feel, and I understand. I belong to a group of online friends - all women. Quite often this entire group will get into an online fight and it ends up into a free for all of name calling. I've frequently told these women to quit acting like they are in junior high school and to grow the hell up. But in this instance I'd say you are better off just ignoring the situation and let it blow over.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
23 Sep 08
If the past 9 months or so are any indicator, it's not going to blow over. They're going to make it the topic of conversation at our meetings for months to come! I feel like this has already gone on too long and it's gotten way out of hand. I fell like telling them to just grow up also!
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
22 Sep 08
Hey reiny, That really is too bad. The whole purpose for
the club is to help the neighborhood kids not for the
women to behave like kids! I think that is really just
pathetic. I can see how you might feel like maybe you
don't need this kind of drama in your life. I think that
both these women were at fault, but especially the woman
who was the President. It has to be your decision as to
whether you want to be involved in this sort of petty
nonsense or not. Personally, I wouldn't want to. You have
to decide what is best for you. You don't need to be put
in the middle of this childish behaviour. Make the choice
that is best for you reiny.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
23 Sep 08
I'm still embarrassed about it, but I think that I'm doing a good thing for the community by helping with the kids events. I'm really torn and will have to think on it pretty hard in the next couple weeks. Who knows, maybe this will all blow over by the next meeting... It hasn't in the last 9 months or so so I doubt that will happen...
@sanjo0679 (225)
• United States
22 Sep 08
Personally, reinydawn, I'd leave it well enough alone. Dealing with a group of grown women acting like children can turn into nothing but a big mess. I was involved with an organization for years and finally gave it up because of the bickering and backstabbing. Too many times when we try to straighten out an out-of-control situation it backfires on us. It's not worth the time and effort to be constantly upset over petty issues.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
23 Sep 08
I know exactly what you mean. I so don't want to be in the middle of this. BUT, I feel the Auxiliary has been disrespected (by both women) and it has a reflection on me. Although I have no reason to, I did take this very personally. I don't care to get involved with either one's position, but I feel I need to defend the Auxiliary as a whole.
@glords (2614)
• United States
22 Sep 08
I think I would just back off. It sounds like this is a problem between the presidents, let them work it out. If you enjoy being in the auxiliary, stay there. Don't let their fight ruin your good time. However, if you don't like the women, I'm sure there are plenty of organizations out there who would love to include you. Its always best to work with people you actually like.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
23 Sep 08
One of the main problems I have is that it looks bad on the Ladies Auxiliary. Now we look like a bunch of petty bickering women. We're trying to build the membeship and get some of the new mothers to the community involved - I'm SO glad none of them could make it for this!
