A dilemma so need your help guys!!!
By rkotaker
@rkotaker (60)
September 22, 2008 2:17am CST
This is my first post. Im a mylot virgin so be gentle with me.
Right the background to my dilemma. I was friendly with a couple and used to spend weekends with them and were almost like a brother and sister to me. Was closer to the guy mainly because we both like football(or soccer to you americans)and they seemed the perfect couple.
I hadnt been to see them for a while and then found out that they had split up so i contacted both the girl, who had met someone else, and the guy, who had taken it pretty badly getting into depression, drinking to much and i kinda became a shoulder to cry on and he seems alot better at the moment.
Then out of the blue i get a wedding invite from the girl.
So my dilemma is if i was to go to the wedding would i be betraying the guy and will he think im taking her side as the breakup was a bad one?
Will be gratefull for you views.
Ta for now
MO
3 people like this
16 responses
@joyadalia (1408)
• Philippines
22 Sep 08
I do not think that you are betraying the guy just because you will go to the girl's wedding. Maybe you should tell the guy that you will be going to the wedding. It's not that you want him to feel worse but to tell him that you will do that and that he should not take it as a personal attack against him. Explain it to him in a way that he will truly understand you. And please DO NOT get into a fight with him over this matter. If he starts to get angry then just let him be and do not answer harshly, after all he is still hurt.
@ralphido (842)
• India
22 Sep 08
dude i don't think that's a good idea.. he's already pissed about his breakup and the news that his girlfriend getting married to someone else.. the last thing he would want to think is his friend is also shifting to the other side, he will definitely feel dejected and unwanted.... i am telling you if you discuss this with him it will only end up in a hot headed conversation...do not let that happen
2 people like this
@MOMMASAM (1004)
• United States
22 Sep 08
sometimes it takes a loooooong time to get over someone you
have dated.
if i wanted to go, i would ask him.
you don't have to do what he says, but i would respect him
enough to discuss it with him.
this often happens when a couple splits up.
the friends are often divided on how to keep friendly with both
partners.
2 people like this
@rkotaker (60)
•
22 Sep 08
Thanks MOMMASAM and you other guys for your advice. Its a sad story about their
breakup. The girl got pregnant about 2 years after they got married and had a miscarrage after about 30 weeks and after that she became very distant and i think never really dealt with the loss. He found it very hard to get close to her they then separated. She met someone else and a month after getting divorceed she then revealed she was getting married which hit the guy hard and to me smells of a rebound.
Like most of you have said i am leaning towards going but like alot of you have said maybe talk to him about it to and make sure he doesnt think im taking sides.
Its horrible when you see to people who were so close breaking up in this way
1 person likes this
@Leonora (1633)
• Portugal
22 Sep 08
Go to the wedding :-). This is my advice.
Their wedding and their life as a couple is over, but both of them are your friends, so, you can't ignore them and run away from this new reality.
The girl wants you on her wedding, because she still thinks on you as her friend, and she will be hurt if you don't go.
Your presence there won't be a treason. You can help your friend, try to be there, when he needs, and try to help him, dealing with his depression.
2 people like this
@nicholejade (2430)
• Canada
22 Sep 08
You are friends with both of them. Not just one of them. Go to the wedding and have fun. She obviously wants you there. Why shouldn't you go? Just tell the guy that you are going out of respect that she wants you there and leave it at that. He shouldn't be upset as you are friends with both not just him. It sounds that this relationship ended quite sometime ago and he should be out of the gutter by now. I think he needs to move on and get out there again. Being depressed and drinking is not going to solve anything.
@Humbug25 (12540)
•
22 Sep 08
Hi there rkotaker and a huge welcome to myLot
You maybe a myLot virgin but we all have to start somewhere!
Anyway the dilemma. I would go but make sure you tell your male friend or else he will think you are doing it all behind his back. He is an adult and has to get on with his life, you would go if it was another friend wouldn't you? Well that is how your friend has to see it, as if you are just going to one of your friend's wedding. Just be there for him afterwards and make sure you tell him what a terrible wedding it was and how ugly her new husband is!! 
How long have they been split up for?
Take care, good luck with your dicission and happy mylotting! 
How long have they been split up for?
Take care, good luck with your dicission and happy mylotting! 
@amlegend (945)
• Pakistan
22 Sep 08
i would say that that you should go
i ain't betraying ... you are going in a happy occasion of your friends
plus they split not you FRiends... you are still friends with them
whatever the reason of their split may be,if you could have figured them out before and tried to solve them.it would have been a different story but now one of them is about to start a whole new life and her loved one is confused that it would hurt the other
yes it would but it would hurt your other friend more....
you should go!!!
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
22 Sep 08
If both couple are my friends, I would go to her wedding. It is a lack of respect towards your friend who she has sent you an invitation. I am sure that your male friend will understand. You are already doing your utmost to be a support to him. By going to the wedding it does not mean that you are betraying your male friend.
1 person likes this
@RedFeather (427)
• United States
22 Sep 08
if you were friends with both of them, you SHOULD go to the wedding - it shouldn't affect the friendship with the male half - but you could always tell him that you were just there for the cake - haha
you should not, however, NOT inform the male half that you got the invite - hiding this would ultimately cause some pretty serious trust issues...
2 people like this
@jzjqdkd (273)
• China
22 Sep 08
this kind of dilemma is relly making us not to know how to do,but if we just do it in a kind way,no matter what we do,that is okay,we don't need to feel embrassed when we meet that,so just do it in a mind if helping others .you will surely feel fine.
@asselg1984 (375)
• Philippines
22 Sep 08
Hi, welcome to mylot! I am a newbie here too, I am a week old as of now :)
Care to tell why they broke up? It is sad to think that they used to be so perfect and then all of the sudden they are living separately and I think that the guy is very affected with the situation and he still cannot move on.
I guess you should not go to the girl's wedding because the guy will be hurt so much, he will think that you betrayed him.
I will respect your decision but it is better for you not to show up on the girl's wedding and you can have a lot of reasons why like you got sick, got diarrhea (:P) or have an emergency leave,because she is doing well while the guy is killing himself, save a soul.
@cathy_human (78)
• China
22 Sep 08
from all the suggestion from my lot about this topic, i think, westerner is more open and know how to get along with the friends.
1 person likes this
@ralphido (842)
• India
22 Sep 08
i think, for the moment the guy seems to be in need of more attention.. since he is leaning heavily on you for support and recovery..so the prospect of betrayal will hit him like anything.. so it's best for you to call the girl and explain the current situation .. say something like "i am very happy for you.. but both of you are my friends.. and i want all of my friends to be happy...!!" i think she will understand your dilemma and won't miss you for the wedding...
ps;don't forget a wedding gift..!!
1 person likes this
@wyte059tyger (141)
• United States
22 Sep 08
Good question. I think you should go to the wedding. You are friends with both of them, and he will (eventually) understand this. You can't support someone by cutting yourself off from your other friends, even in a situation like this. You would not be happy in the long run, and neither would they. I'm glad you're trying to help him out of his depression. Breaking up with a loved one is hard, and a friend's support is essential.
1 person likes this
@mr3m4n (8)
•
22 Sep 08
I'd advise you to speak to the gut and make sure he unserstands, after all honesty is the best policy, If he has a problem with it though, make sure the girl knows about it as she may think your avoiding her because of him. then maybe you should sign him up for one of the "meet people" sites such as match.com.
1 person likes this
@mycharm88 (2288)
• Philippines
23 Sep 08
Good day rkoraker c",)
Wwll you are a nice friend for that matter. You did your best to give them what they need as a friend. But it's not your fault that they are not meant for each other. Now that the girl is getting married then it only shows that she found the right guy for her and that your male friend should accept the truth now and move on. I know it's easier said than done, because truth really hurts but the sooner he accepts it, the sooner he'll recover with your help.
tc my friend
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
22 Sep 08
hi rkotaker that is a bit of a puzzler but yes go ahead
'and go, that wont be betraying your guy friend and the
girl is still your friend, so why not go and enjoy the
friendship. Its not like you were going to date her or
something like that, you are just going to her wedding
so your guy friend should not be upset over that. If he were
to get married andasked you as a guest you would not
hesitate to go so why not?
1 person likes this
