Lose 100 lbs in 3 days

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I have found the perfect diet!! I like to eat whatever I want whenever I want it… even if it’s chocolate cake right before I go to bed. But I also currently hold the belief that eating food makes me fat… hell, even thinking about eating food makes me fat! I prefer to believe that food is my friend, and that whatever I feed it, when offered in love and appreciation, will be effectively and efficiently utilized (with appreciation… and I love the feeling –and look- of my body appreciating me). I’m still working on that one - it’s a doozy - but in the meantime I figured I would do extended fasts to compensate for my belief in ‘fatness’. Boy, that worked marvelously at first, but then I noticed that by the time my next fast rolls around I am right back up to the weight I was before the last one commenced. Then I got the bright idea to fast once a week in addition to the 2 30-day fasts at spring and fall. I still think that’s a good idea as far as an exercise in self-control goes, but as a method of weight control it sucks… and not in a good way either. Anyway, yesterday I had some left-over rotisserie chicken that my sister made when she was here visiting. Plus I had 2 jalapenos, 1 long red chili pepper, and 1 habanero pepper – all from my garden. So, I mixed that all up with a whole bunch of mayo and some apple cider vinegar (with the mother in it). I chopped the peppers up (leaving all the seeds and membrane in) with some celery and onion to a coarse pulp and spread all that on some Lavash flatbread and wrapped it up. Man, I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into it! But HOLY COWS!!! Before I’d even gotten half-way through it I was sweating bullets, tears were rolling down my face by the bucketful, and my tongue had all it’s taste buds burned off! I couldn’t eat anymore of it! So now it is the only I can eat for the next few days because I sure can’t give it to the chickens, and I’m not going to throw my beloved peppers away. I am going to eat them. Plus after all that, I couldn’t even eat anything for hours afterwards because my tongue was so raw and sore!! The only thing I could do was drink the water I’ve been wanting to do, to soothe it. So now, I’ve decided… that’s the only thing I’m going to keep in my house; only the ingredients for recipes that require a 'brisk' use of chili peppers! I’ll use a ton of them in my Lasagna and get drunk washing it down with the Cabernet my sister left for me! Oh, and I'll keep plenty of those Andes Crème de Menthe thins around too. I wanna use the wrappers to paper my walls, so I gotta eat a few of those. OK, well, maybe I won’t lose 100 pounds in 3 days, but that’s a good thing since if I did I would be a skeleton with hardly even any skin. My computer is named 'Wraith' not me!! But I bet I lose 20 pounds by tomorrow morning! Anyone care to place a wager?