Dilema -Should I Send A Birthday Card Or Not On Behalf Of My Son?

Hi NuclearRabbit, It is not the cost of the card I am worried about, it is the upset my son will feel if I mention he needs to send a card to his daddy as he is four and well aware that he hasn;t heard from him. Ellie :D

But it's not like your reminding him of something that he doesn't know already..... It's not about the card and it's not about his dad, it's about the relationship with your son. If he sees that you both tried and tried than he won't blame you for the lack of contact he has with his dad.

Thanks I hear what you are saying but meanwhile what if he doesn't acknowledge receiving, my son then has to go through disappoint and hurt yet again. Thanks for your input though I really apreciate it. I might convienently forget, I'm undecided still. Ellie :D

Hi Mands, Sorry didn't want to bring painful memories to you babe, not at all, but you are very lucky in having a mum that is so wonderful and made you felt loved and cared for no matter what her feelings were towards your dad eh. I did in fact ask my son this morning whether he wanted to send a card to his daddy and he said he did, so I will let him do it but not get his hopes up that he will get a call of thank you or anything. Thank you for saying that I come up to the same calibre as your mum that means so much. I try to do the best for my kids but as parents it is sometimes so hard and especially with my little one as he is a sensitive soul bless. So many are saying send, so many don't send but if I do my son can't look at me in years to come and acuse me of keeping him from his dad which is something I haven't done so far at all its just his dad doesn't bother. I also never bad mouth his dad, I say it is because he is busy and lives far away but I am sure he is thinking of him. Maybe he will get a call after he receives card but I am not holdng my breath on that one. Yes he will get hurt in life and as a mum I can't protect him from all lifes knocks and I suppose somehow this experience with his dad will make him stronger and may even make him become a wonderful parent himself as he will not want to put his own children through this type of thing eh! All I can do is to be there for him with love and huggles eh!Big huggles to you too Mands. Ellie :D

Aaah bless you, thank you for that. I reckon the reason my daughter has gone into pyschology is beacuse she says we are the ultimate dysfunctional family, my step-mother even ran off with another woman, her dad runs off with my friends, it is worse than Eastenders at times believe me but yes it does make us stronger. Huggles. Ellie :D

ps just read the other responses and had to add i know you are concerned about him being disappointed and hurt and i don't want to sound horrible and unfeeling but he will be dissappointed and hurt by many people in his life that he loves and cares for. He'll need you to show him the way to be strong and deal with situations like this to show him that he is always loved and cherished no matter what and that some peoples daddys are busy but they have extra special mummies and sisters to take care of them. (crap made me well up guess it's a bit close to home eh!). They are like a sponge at this age soaking everything up i think dealing with the situations as and when they arise makes it a bit more bearable and will make him less resentful when he is older. Obviously you're his mummy and you will make the decision that YOU feel is best for YOUR child and as a child thats all you can ask of/expect from your parents. Kisses mands

Thanks Winterose, I am now concerned about the lack of acknowlegement to the card which will cause him more hurt. he is four now so I may ask but he has been picked up and put down so many time in these few years of his life, I just don't want him hurt anymore and I am almost inclined to convienently forget the birthday and see what happens nearer Christmas time. Ellie :D

well since he is so young he won't know it is a birthday unless you tell him, so if that is how you feel then don't bother with the card

Hi Winterose, I asked my son what he wanted to do and he drew in a card and I addressed and sent. It was the right thing to do even though one I didn't really want to do. Ellie :D

So Dillemma is resolved Thats Great and thanks for Huggles

Yes but his dad did not bother to pick up the phone to acknowledge he had received card, it is sad that he can't be bothered with his own son. I done the right thing though by sending on my sons behalf until he can make his own mind up eh! Ellie :D

Hi Cupid, I have sent the card. Huggles. Ellie :D

Hi Littleowl, I have sent the card and also told my son in advance not to get his hopes up tha daddy will call as he is a very busy person. I don't bad mouth him in front of my son and when my son is old enough he can make his own mind up eh! Huggles. Ellie :D

Hi Littleowl, Thanks, as expected though no call to my son to acknowledge receipt of the card which is just so sad and your grandson is the same age as mine so I really feel for him and your daughter too bless. Love and Huggles. Ellie :D

Hi Ellie..I really sympathise with you my daughter is going through the same thing with her son and his dsd too...although sometimes it may be weeks before my grandson see's his dad he always remembers him and talks about him...but it is hurtful seeing how he idolises his dad when Sam(my daughter) as well as everyone in the family know what a waste of time the father really is..my heart goes out to your son..love and Huggles littleowl

Hi Leenie, my sons father left before he was born and just pops in as and when he feels like it which hasn't been since Easter so a slightly different scenario but I have sent a card and will continue o do so until my son is old enough to address the envelope himself. It is hard seeing the kids suffer, when I said his dad is a waste of space, he doesn't come round or call or help provide and when I threatened to go to the courts to get maintenance he gave up work just to give you an idea of what I am delaing with. However, I never badmouth him to my son and always say daddy is busy or lives too far away to see you (1/2 hour drive) but that is far away to a four year old eh! Huggles. Ellie :D

Update Leenie, I sent the card and nothing not a text email or a call to say he had received. I sometimes wonder myself why I bother and think at Christmas will let my son ask to send daddy one but if he doesn't mention I don't think I will. My own daughters think he is better off without him in his life at all as we love him but his dad just sees him as a burden on his life which is just so sad. Thanks for understanding. Huggles. Ellie :D

Hi Sweetie, You are one of the mothers I feel very badly for. My son used to get angry with his dad because he felt neglected by him. All I could say was he had a right to be angry but not to call his dad names. I tried to help him understand that his dad was busy and had another life. It wasn't easy but I tried to help him not to give up on his dad. With you, you have nothing to work with. If this man has no use for his son, then You have no obligation to keep him in a good light with your son. Under these circumstances, sending him a card is way beyond the call of duty. I'm sorry I didn't understand that better. I wouldn't try to make a hero out of a low life. As your son gets older I believe honesty between you and him is most important. Even if he doesn't like the truth, he will understand someday. I think you know what's best for you son. Good luck sweetie.

[i]Hi ellie, ohhh..so you're son remembers it too, How sweet! His father is lucky to have a son like him, hopefully, he will realized it and will not waste time to show and express his care and love, hard to have some regrets in life![/i]

Hi Checapricorn, I have sent the card a my son wanted to but I don't expect he will get a call or anything so have told him this in advance saying remember daddy may not phone as you know he is busy. My son can then decide when he is much older whether he wants to or not eh! Huggles. Ellie :D

Yeah I think that is the best thing to do also and then we he gets older he will see what you done for him and have you put your own personally feelings aside for him and he will thank you for it and then he will also see that his father didn't! But yes I do know that it is very hard at this stage and there is a very long road ahead to go yet but in the long run it will all work out well

Hi Msmell, I have sent the card as my son wanted to do one for daddy so I addressed the envelope. I tell him that dady is very busy and lives far away (1/2hour drive but thats far to a four year old) he can make his own decisions when older but meanwhile yes like you I am doing the right thing and can't be blamed for setting my son against him as I have maintained contact on his behalf. Ellie :D

It's very hard to know what to do.....my ex came around the first year after we were divorced then only came on holidays when he wanted to look like a good daddy to his family! I let the kids send cards which I helped them with until they were old enough to make that decision themselves.....I have always wondered how it is that men can just walk away from their own flesh and blood.....I totally do not understand it!

Jill, It isn't just men, I know a guy who gave up his career in the RAF because the mother was so bad that social services would have taken the baby into care if he hadn't have taken on the responsibilty of being a single parent to him, but in general yes the guys do seem to detach more. I guess it is because they don't carry them inside them for nine months and the nuturing instinct doesn't happen naturally, who knows. Without being sexist here, I think we are a lot stronger when we need to be in these situations and are stronger for our children too. Ellie :D

Hi Jill, I did speak to my son this morning and he wans to send his daddy a card which I will let him do but I won't even write in it I will let my son scribble and try to write his name and thats it and I will send, I doubt he will respond which is why I am reluctant as I don't want to cause my little one further hurt but at least I will have maintained contact until my son is old enough to know the date and truly decide for himself eh! Huggles. Ellie :D

It is very hard, yes. I made the decision just 2 years ago that I would do everything in my power to help with the relationship between my sons and their father. I really did hope he would pony up, but deep inside I knew he wouldn't. But I also wanted my boys to see that I was doing everything in my power to have their father in their lives. All I could see was them in their teen years, when they were full of crazy hormones; blaming me for their dad not being there. I figured it was a preventative measure. At the same time, I realized it was an excellent lesson to teach my boys that doing the right thing isn't always the easy thing.

Hi Canadagirl, I did in fact ask my son (4) and he said he wanted to so today he dreew in a card and I addressed it and will mail on Monday. I have said that daddy might not contact to say he has recived as very busy so he doesn't get his hopes up. His ddad has picked him up and put him down since before his birth, he left whilst I was pregant so I cannot see that changing but my son and him will have to deal with it when my son is older. I hate to see any of my children hurting and I know that when he sees his best friend with his daddy it does upset him sometimes and he has started looking to his friends father as that male role model bless. It sounds like you have it worked out with your sons quite well and I am sure they will thank you when they are older. It is so hard at times don't you think. Thanks for sharing and your advice. Ellie :D

Hi Cinderella, This is what I did do and he wanted to send so I let him do a card and then I addressed an envelope. I have told him that daddy may be too busy to ring and thank him but at least we have done the right thing. I think the reason I was questioning this one is the fact that he hasn't bothered since Easter whereas usually he is a little more frequent with a call or maybe a visit and I am sick of my son being picked up and down when it suits but my son will have all those qustions for his dad when he is older until then I will just keep sending. Huggles. Ellie :D

Hi Cinderella, No his dad hasn't acknowledged reciept, he didn't even bother to wish him luck starting school or to see how he had got on. I really feel for my son on this one but all I can do is to be there for him and surround him in love. When he is older he can ask his father outright WHY? Huggles. Ellie :D

Did he ring or send his thanks to your son for the card? I think when it comes to your ex you have to think about what your son wants to do. Your keeping that doorway open for your son to access his dad, its just a shame his dad doesn't want to keep his doorway open! I bet hes missing out on alot of good times. Your son will grow up knowing his dad wasn't interested but that hes got you and he can rely on you which will make you the most important person in his world!!

Hi LovesTravel, I have addressed an envelope and my son has written in the card. I have told him that daddy may be to busy to ring and say thank you so that he won't be disappointed when he doesn't. I don't see how any son can respect a father who doesn't bother and always says they are skint and yet goes out and spends thousands on a brand new motorbike. He obviously has his priorities all wrong but I have never spoken badly about his father in front of him, he can make his own choices when he is older enough too. Ellie :D

Thank you, but as expected his dad hasn't called to acknowledge it which is so sad for my son. Ellie :D

Good for you!! Your son will recognize where to put his trust and which parent is deserving of respect. You deserve a gold star!

Hi Humbug, Having read your response these are exactly my thoughts and I asked my son whether he wanted to send a card to his dad and he said he did so I will let him and then they can resolve this once my son is a lot older. GUILTY, the dad is too selfish to feel that but one never knows eh! Huggles. Ellie :D

Great minds think a like eh? I know what you are saying about the guilt thing, with some people they have no concience so therefore have no guilt!

Hi Munchkin, I did ask my son and he wanted to send one so have sent. He is only four but when he is older perhaps he will decide he can't be bohered either. Meanwhile I have kept lines of contact open eh! Huggles. Ellie :D

I think you've done the right thing, at least you're not burning any bridges in regards to your son having future contact with his dad. I should imagine his dad isn't your favourite person but it's good that you care enough about your son not to let any of this on and let him grow up to form his own opinion and decide what he wants to do! xxx

Hi MsTickle, Well I did send the card and my son wrote inside it but we have had no acknowledgement again ffrom his dad so unless my son asks to send one at Christmas I don't think I'll bother, picking him up and putting him down like this is hurting my son and when he grows up I will say I tried for a while on his behalf and he will have to confront his father. My son has a lot of love around him but this person is so selfish that they seem incapable of even ringing and saying hi so to expect a relationship with his son I suppose is asking too much eh! Huggles. Ellie :D

Hi Anonymili, I don't know how I missed this response so apologies for late reply. I have now in fact sent the card but as expected his dad didn't bother to ring him to say thank you or even email or text me to say he had received. Like I said 'waste of space'. I am not going to bother anymore now unless my son wants to make a card for daddy at Christmas I will probably not mention it. Huggles. Ellie :D

Hello Ellie. It sounds like you have a very well-thought-out plan, when it comes to your son and his father. And that is a good thing. You are no doubt a great mom and your son will be okay whether he has his dad in his life or not. Children are resilient little creatures and can weather many storms. Take care.

Hi PearlGrace, I have sent the card but this guy really isn't bothered at all about his son, he left before he was born and just pops in or calls as and when he feels like it, he doesn't support him financially at all and when I threatened to get CSA involved to get something towards he gave up his job, which is what I mean by a waste of space. I don't want my son being picked up and put down all his life and being hurt by this guy but he is his dad so until my son can decide for himnself I will send and then hopefully they can sort at a later stage. I never bad mouth him in front of my son as that would be unfair. I just give him extra love and huggles on the days he mentions missing his dad. Ellie :D

Hi Tessa, I knew I could rely on you for a straight honest answer. It is hard when you see the little ones hurting because of a sperm donor who has never bothered but who should have bothered. He knew my son was starting school but hasn't even bothered to enquire how he is getting on. My daughters think that my son is better off without him in his life anyway because of the way he has just picked up and put down as and when it suits. I don't want it to appear like I have encouraged no contact either though bt yes gut feeling says to not bother even though part of me feels like I should ask my son whether he wants to or not, but long term effects from that if no response to his card from daddy far worse eh! Thanks. Huggles. Ellie :D

dont stop contact if he initiates it.. but dont you initiate it either. if he bothers around.. let him. supervised of course.. then he cant in the future say " yer mom wouldnt let me" as his reasonings when yer son asks him (and he WILL ask him) why he wasnt around. let be what is.. dont alter it good or bad. the reality will be revealed to yer son as he grows up. and you wont be the bad guy in any of it.. and he will always be able to have faith in you.

Hi Guybrush, I have sent a card from my son, he drew in it and yes when he is older he can decide for himself, meanwhile I will keep lines of communication open so I can't be accused of keeping his dad from him eh. Huggles. Ellie :D

Good for you, Ellie! You've done exactly the right thing, and your son will thank you for it when he's older and can appreciate how hard it would have been for you. It shows you are a truly good person with a wonderful heart. (Which we knew already!) Bless.

Hi Tamara, I have sent the card and when my son is old enough he can choose for himself whether to or not. I did ask him and he wanted to and let him draw in it etc. Huggles. Ellie :D

Hi ellie, You've done the right thing and its good for him, and I know he will decide for himself when he is older and he will love you more for it. Love and Huggles. Tamara