'Women find it easier to forgive then to forget"
By zandi458
@zandi458 (28102)
Malaysia
September 28, 2008 12:25pm CST
What was your reaction when you learned that your husband is having an affair? I had this experience early in my marriage, my husband had an affair with a club hostess which nearly ended my marriage. The day I came to know about it I questioned him every details (including intimate) of his affairs. Being scared and guilty, he stupidly poured out everything to me. I felt my world collapsed, was suicidal, angry and at the same instance screaming and cursing. After releasing all my anger I sit back and reasoned out what lead him to have an affair as I was still young and bouncy. One shot he told me he felt neglected as am too busy with the kids. I took the blame and forgive him partly because he admitted and told the truth. But the trauma is still with me till now even though it has not happen again.
If you do end up staying together after an affair, you may find it alters your entire perception. Although the affair shook me up, it also made me realize how important it was for us to stay together. Glad that it happened because we come through together and we vowed never to take each other for granted again. Above all, it taught me to be more flexible. But forgiving once I wouldn't forgive a second time. If he did it again, after all we've seen through, it'd be over forever. If he is willing to take the gamble he deserves to lose.
4 people like this
12 responses
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
29 Sep 08
HIm when I found out that x had gone to bed with my best friend her being so drunk she couldnt stand so to me that was like raping her.
then I kicked him out.
He moved to a different state and came back and asked me back and move with him and promised (oh yeah) promised it would never happen again. Ha ha.
When I heard he was sleeping with my babysitter.! I got new babysitter and moved myself out. That was the end of that went through it for 5 years. Got out and never really looked back except to go find my boys after he stole them from my babysitter and took them back to home state and gave them up to adoption.
1 person likes this
@joytang (43)
• Singapore
29 Sep 08
I can say u r very forgiving lady. If i were u, i would probably end up in a divorce. i'm also young though n have kids. i dun think that u r busy with the kids and neglect him is an excuse. u both decide to have kids. how can he blame u only that u spend ur time with the kids. if he feel that u r neglecting him, he can actually help to spend time with the kids too so that u, ur hubby n the kids have time to bond each other rather then just blaming u. that's unfair for us women. everything is done by us. looking after kids, feeding them, play with them educate them. now the guys turn back to say that we women neglect them! Well, since u have thus forgiven him, hope that he will treasure the chance. wish u n ur family all the best!
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
29 Sep 08
I am also a hard headed woman but for the sake of my religion where divorce is almost frown at, I had to concede to things that is not may fault. You know what I mean. I'll pretend that his affairs was because of me not giving him priority which used to be before the kids were born. Knowing very well that it was his mistake but by giving him part of his face back and trying to be an understanding wife works well. I know his weak point. Men will cherish his wife more if we are or pretend to be understanding to his problems.
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
30 Sep 08
you are really strong..keep up and hope you will get through it!:)
1 person likes this
@rattler_snake (20)
• India
29 Sep 08
Dear Zandi,
after reading your story and giving it a lot of deep thought, i can say that i feel what you are feeling. am not a psychic.... but a guy who knows pain and endurance.. the thing which makes me admire ladies is their power of endurance.. nothing can penetrate through their emotional defence. i hate to think of these kinds of people who marry at first and then have affairs outside. and belive me the whole 'u not giving time to me is nonsense'. you live in the same house for heavens sake he can ask share his feelings with you. after all thats what you do in a marriage. i dont say what you did was wrong or right... but trusting these people is like trusting a snake.... you never know when they will strike....
I knew it was a lame excuse but got to concede cos it will worsen situation if I have to battle it out with him. Yeah..men are snakes in disguise. Very manipulative. 
@shell94 (990)
• Canada
28 Sep 08
I too have been through something so very similiar to this and understand the hurt feelings that you have had.It is a devastating time in your life and you question everything about yourself from looks to brains. I agree that one can forgive BUT...one never forgets no matter how they try. It does teach us alot and gives us things to develop into better humans. I hate the idea of getting hurt again and it is always in the back of my mind. I am sure it is for you as well. I agree I will not tolerate it a second time either. It would for sure be the end of the relationship then.
1 person likes this
@Mikaela_taz25 (1842)
• Philippines
29 Sep 08
I almost lost my hubby because of my endless affairs. but i was able to put to end.
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
28 Sep 08
What do you mean you took part of the blame? It was not your fault one little bit that he cheated on you!! He should have told you how he felt before he went and did what he did. What kind of a man would let his wife take even part of the blame for his own stupidity?
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
29 Sep 08
Men and women are unfaithful for lots of reasons, some of them quite valid. Its rarely black and white. That's why, it's best to talk to each other honestly about what's happened. But whatever has led to his betrayal, there's no mistaking that crushed feeling. I know I shouldn't take the blame as he did the sh*t but being a person who has had suffered many disappointments before I strongly believe that 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'.
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
28 Sep 08
[i]HI zandi,
I admire the way you handle the situation..I know it's tough and a lot will end up doing the opposite thing than what you have done! ANyway, in our life, we have really to play our role effectively , that makes it tough because as a person we have several roles in life! and we are not perfect!
ANyway, I agree with what you have said since I have a friend whom I am not talking this time..I know i forgive her but I prefer not to hang out with her anymore![/i]
1 person likes this
@angel_of_charm (4134)
• Philippines
28 Sep 08
I'm glad to know that you two had happen to work things out as we all know when a party had an affair its hard to mold it back again into whole..i think your first reactions are normal..a woman who wont get devastated with t means she aint got love for the husband...we woman i think, are the type who if we can fix it will push it till we can...but when its the other way around like woman is the one who had an affair for men its such a big deal like they never did it...I know I'm just trying to be rational enough in here...but they have to admit it (men) that they cannot forgive and accept a wife who committed adultery...not like men, can easily get out of it like its nothing a big deal like no sh1t happened...
1 person likes this
@jacobkktan (202)
• Malaysia
29 Sep 08
Maybe to certain extend i would agree with you, but seriously, if you were to forgive and not forget, its pointless!
It suffers to live with a trouma, the darkness that looms behind your head!
My advice, Forive AND Forget
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
29 Sep 08
congratulations you've got the courage to pass all of that trials! i mean nott everyone can go through that and stay together stronger:) I once had a similar experience but it was just through his texting..you know how guys can get so flirty as well.. but we also get through it and you are right it alters your whole perception of your marriage. It also made you thought of how precious every moment is and what is the value of that person you are with. I admit till now it scares me he might do it again, but i am still giving my trust to him because it is what this relationship is all about..trust right?
1 person likes this
@blackcatbetty (555)
• United States
29 Sep 08
I went through a similar thing with my ex husband , and yes we did not make it. I went through this disgust issue where I could not let him touch me. After that the relationship got abuseful and just unhealthy . I am now in an engagement and I already call him hubby. We would already be married if it was not for the fact of that money thing tugging away at our sleeves. If he would cheat on me , I do not think I would be strong enough to accept it. I would be devastated , angry , and just plain sick . I do admire you for actually sticking it out and working through the issues .
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
29 Sep 08
Maybe you have not tried hard enough. it could have been workable like what I have done. Initially it was tough. All I saw in my husband after the affair was the greatest romeo of all time and lost total trust in him. It soon become normal again after many years of ups and downs in the marriage battlefield.
