Why do people keep going back to thier abuser?

Uh, I guess you cannot very well tell you nephew that it is because his mom is an idiot, huh? I guess I would tell him it is because she has low esteem and then I'd try to work with him to make sure that he is doing things he needs to do to keep his own self-esteem up in that obviously hostile environment. I am so sorry to hear the young man has the put up with this, as it must be just horrifying to him. In a few months, though, he will be old enough to get out on his own where I hope he will be safer. Is his real father in the picture at all?

I think it might be time to bring the police in on this, the mother is not in her right mind right now and this family needs some help. I don't think she can ever really get out of this alone, at least not right now.

The reason why people go back to their abusers is because the abusers have reduced the victim's self esteem to absolutely NOTHING convincing them that they love them, and that they are the only people who will ever love them, and that they will not be able to do better than their abusers. Also, in some cases the victims know better, but are financially dependent on the abusers, and feel that they have no other place to go.

it is real strange thing with human nature. may be inside we want to get hurt more whom we love! that person may not truly love us. I have seen that at time sthe love is blind.it sees no hurts.

oh my goodness she needs to do something about this situation if she is not careful the 17 year old will her the boyfriend he is not going to let him hurt her don,t she see that some one needs to talk with her about this before somthing seriously happens beating her is enough she must make a change if not for her the 17 year old.

Your first responder is exactly right. Until your sister (sister in law?) finally believes that she deserves better, that she is worthy of better treatment, she will continue to fall into the same trap. I know because I did the same thing. Over and over again. I've been divorced for 19 years and it was the smartest thing I've ever done! But, he had threatened me so many times, blaming me for every little thing that was wrong in our marriage, my own parents having had a dysfunctional relationship with Dad blaming ME for everything that was wrong (my mother says she accused him of being jealous of me - all I know is I wasn't the boy he wanted) that prepared me to accept that abuse and believe I was to blame, that I simply couldn't get out. But, I finally did and little by little I put distance between us, literally. I had my kids to think of and when he started to attack our son because he defended his mother, I knew I had to work on getting out. But, it took four more years before I could stand strong and remain strong in following through. Your nephew could call the police when his stepfather attacks his mother. All the police have to do is see bruises and they can press charges themselves (unless they live in a patriarchal region of the country where the police treat everything but murder as minor if the man is involved like I did.) Regardless, he can call them and get someone there faster. He can be anonymous or he can dial 911 when they're not looking and leave the room - let the dispatcher listen in. The events will be on tape. Hard to deny it's happening when it's recorded. But, until she finally comes to believe that she is capable of doing better for herself and believing that she deserves better for herself, she will probably go back again. It's a learning process and one can only hope the lesson sticks before it's too late. But, believe me - it isn't because we like that kind of treatment. It's just that we don't feel worthy of more.

Because the woman is already trapped in the so-called cycle of violence. According to this website, http://www.coalitionagainstviolence.ca/The%20Cycle%20of%20Violence.htm: When a victim is caught in the cycle or spiral of violence, she is experiencing many emotions. During the violent stage, she is often afraid of her partner. She knows better than anyone else what that person will do to her or her children if she tries to leave. Once the violence is over and the couple is in that honeymoon phase, the victim may feel renewed love toward the batterer. The batterer is on his best behavior and the victim is reminded of all the qualities in him that she loves. During the tension building stage, the victim often grasps on to a sense of hope. More than anything, she wants things to change. She wants him to mean what he says – this time. Adding to the love, hope and fear, battered women often experience shame, embarrassment and isolation. I hope you get your sister off from that cycle of violence pit. Your nephew knows that enough is enough, and that there is negative implications on him witnessing these abuses.

In one word...FEAR. I have been abused in the past and it took me a very long time to get out of that situation. I was scared as to what would happen if I left. There are so many things that can and do happen anymore when someone opts to leave a bad situation. People get crazy.

Good day.. Some people just developed that low self esteem and battered mentality that they think the only person that could love them is their abuser. If not maybe because some abused people had really no one to turn to except their abuser. No family or friends to help them out and on top of that they have no means of taking care of themselves. Sad but true.

Well i dont know if it is true that once you have been abused especially the battered wife they become used to it that they wanted it already that is why maybe they returned to their abusive partners. I mean they tend to like it feeling that it is normal for them to be abused. That is why they need psychological intervention to erase that perception.

I would hope that the dad of the 17 year old would remove him from the situation. I mean the ex sister-in-law obviously has some issues that she needs to deal with but the fact is the boy should be the primary concern right now. He is going to be in the middle of these fights whether by his choice or not. If dad needs to get the law involved then so be it. But he should be the main focus before he ends up in a situation that noone can help him out of.It's only natural that he will defend his mother whether anyone else agrees with her decisions or not. Good Luck and tell your brother to get that boy out of there yesterday!

This woman keeps going back for several reasons. One being that she has no self-esteem left. She feel that she is worthless. Another, as bad as the abuse can be, she blames herself. Another, she truly feels that she would be lost without this creep. Yet, another, she is afraid of being alone and would rather be abused than face her days alone. One more, she thinks it will get better. I have been there. It is really hard to leave and stay gone. This woman needs intervention. She needs a network of people to help her out of the situation for good. Unfortunately, this young man is caught up in the middle of it. He also needs help. She may choose not to accept any help that is given, but, maybe, if the son seeks help for himself, it would open her eyes a little. Bottom line, this young man and his mother are in a bad situation that will only get worse if they do not get out of it soon.

the reason they go back is because they have grown to "love" that persoon and they blame themselves for why they got abused and they always think that next time, it will be different..

I am so sorry to hear that your family is going through such a horrible time. Abuse is not an easy thing to deal with (physical or emotional) Is she able to leave her abuser? Most people that are being abused feel that they dont have any other options. Let her know as well that she has help and a way out anytime she wants. I'll be thinking of your family.

I think that they know nothing else. They feel so helpless and vulnerable, they don't have the strength mentally, to do anything else. It is sad.

I admire you for being supportive to your nephew and having an open door policy for him. Unfortunately you cannot take decisions instead of his mother. I guess she feels emotionally attached in this abusive behaviour and it might be difficult to get out of it without any help. Have you ever tried to bring this subject with her and tell her how her own son (your nephew) is suffering? This should set her thinking about her present relationship with this abusive lover.

I think you need to tell your nephew that he is old enough now (legally) to decide where he wants to live. He needs to get out of that situation, whether he comes to live with you or goes to live with his dad. And I have to ask, when this is happening, why hasn't he called the police? I have never figured out why women stay with someone like that, there isn't a man alive that could do that to me and get away with it. And yes, there is always the 'excuses', she loves him, she doesn't have any money, she doesn't have a job, she has low self-esteem, blah blah blah. Where there is a will there is a way, there are women shelters, there are ways to get out of a relationship like that. And I really have a hard time feeling sorry for the women that have the guy arrested and then either refuses to press charges or has the charges dropped.

I've seen this same situation so many times. I've tried to talk women I've been friends with into leaving their abusive relationships, but it rarely works. Many times, women will argue that they love the person or sometimes they will feel that they won't be able to survive on their own, especially if they have a child to take care of. There are a lot of reasons that women will stay with abusive spouses or partners. Sometimes women have low self esteem and feel like they don't deserve better. Other times, a woman might have experienced abuse as a child and doesn't know any other way to live. I think that counseling or an event that is so severe that the person realizes that they are in real danger are the only ways that people that go back to their abusers are going to eventually get help and get out of their abusive relationship. A lot of times, a woman in love will not realize that a boyfriend that occasionally yells at her and hits her may start to get more violent and dangerous.

I'm sorry to hear that. "Physical violence" may be a part of our lives. When people become emotional, they fall back on such means to unleash their stressed feelings.