Does your spouse have other kids?

Yes. My hubby has a daughter from a previous relationship. I try not to treat her differently than my own daughter, but at times this is quite hard as she has done some pretty mean things towards my daughter and myself over the years. I have tried very hard to get past what has happened but feel that I cannot trust her after so much has gone on.

I think you are looking too deep into things. It's really quite simple: She doesn't know you are not her mom, she is just jealous of the baby and the attention that she has taken away from her. It's bcz she loves you! You have obviously done a very good job at being her mom and she thinks she has lost part of that. And bcz you know you are not her biological mom, you are feeling guilty. STOP IT!! I felt the same way after the birth of my second child, and I'm the mom for both! It's natural. The bond probably is stronger right now, you had that child in your body for 9 months, that's a natural emotion as well! I think you're fine, just feeling a little guilty maybe. She is probaly acting out as a way to get your attention back, bcz we all know babies/toddlers take more time than a 4 year old. She's also growing and might be trying to assert a little independance but I don't think, from what you have said, that it is in anyway, shape or form bcz she is not your child. Maybe you could try a "date" day with her. Just you and her go somewhere, movie, out to eat, shopping, whatever. My 8 yr old son and I do that, to get some time alone, away from the other kids. It makes him feel special and we both love our "alone time." He's always asking me out for a date!!

I helped raise three stepkids in addition to one of my own. They were grade-school age and my own son was the youngest of the lot. I did get accused of playing favorites from time to time, but I never did it intentionally. Perhaps it is that bond that a mother has with her own children. I don't think her misbehavior is because she knows or feels you aren't her biological mother. She sounds like a normal four-year-old to me, when she chooses not to listen. The "asking daddy when mommy says no" is also something most kids do if they can get away with it! Your husband needs to help you out to nip this behavior in the bud! Your daughter may also be acting out in response to the new baby. Also normal. Just keep letting her know you love her as much as the baby, and let her help you with the baby as much as her skills will allow. I can tell you that being a stepmother is a thankless job, but a very important one! My reward for all the years of hard work and struggle is that now I have four wonderful, grown children who love and respect me. Even though their mother has been in the picture, the oldest tells me I was more of a mother to her than her own mother was. And they've given us many wonderful grandchildren!

of course it is but please don't make a differenc betwwen them.