married life
By despompa
@despompa (472)
Philippines
October 1, 2008 10:02pm CST
i never realize how chaotic my married life will be after my sister in law, her daughter, my husband's mom and their brother lived with us. at first, it was okay because i can go out and have someone to look after my kids when i'm gone. but as time goes by, things changed. it seemed to me that i have to adjust with how they want my house to be and i have to adjust with how they wanted to act. at first i gave in to avoid conflicts. but it occurred to me that the more i give in to what they want, the more they will demand something from me. which i now realized that its already too much. that's the biggest regret i have ever made after i got married. good thing is that, it still didn't affect my relationship with my husband. have you had any experience like this one?
4 people like this
15 responses
@rsa101 (38166)
• Philippines
2 Oct 08
Well I haven't been to one as extended as yours is. Well ideally it is better that you and your family will lived as one with no outside influences from in laws and relatives. Although it also has its disadvantages and advantages but for me its a much better option if you want your individuality not affected. Well I huess it is your house and you have the right to imposed anything in your own house. Maybe you just have to look at what is right and what is wrong in their demands.
@despompa (472)
• Philippines
2 Oct 08
that is my point. i just wanted to have my privacy back. i feel that our home was their extended home since they have there most of their stuff. it seems like they really wanted to stay with us for life. but that can't be. because our kids are growing and me and my husband need our privacy too. we can have them as visitors, but not as boarders.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (38166)
• Philippines
2 Oct 08
Typical Filipino family setup. Well for now maybe you could ask your husband how he takes the staying of your in-laws with you. Is that a permanent or a temporary stay-in. With your sister also maybe you can ask her too if her plans of moving out on her own is also her plan someday. Well it is not appropriate too that you just let them go away this instant but it is just right to know what their plans are too.
@despompa (472)
• Philippines
3 Oct 08
as far as i can remember, what they said to me before was just temporary, while they are looking for a house to live in which is near her work and her daughter's school. but what made me wonder was are they really looking for a house to move in or it's just one of their thing to do some sales talk with me. i agreed with their request before in the condition that it's just temporary. what happens now is they bought their own bed and other stuffs like tv, etc and considered our sons room theirs. so is that their way of planning to move out? or it's their way in saying they'll be staying for good.
@wiser2 (237)
• United States
2 Oct 08
My 2 kids moved back home and i of them have 2 kids.After a couple of months i had told them that thay have to get there own place.I gave them 3 months to get out.I was feeling that i lost my house.Like you ,you can't do the things you did before thay came.Good luck.
@despompa (472)
• Philippines
3 Oct 08
a big yes to that! i have to gather everything just to have my privacy back. good thing is, my husband is with me. though i know it's hard for him since it's his relative but he understand my complains. he also knew me pretty much that he knows, i don't complain if i still can handle it. just the other night, i am really fed up with everything they do, i told them to pack their things up and look for another place to stay in their own convenience. i gave them an ultimatum. now my husband knew that i am now very angry with his family and wanted them out of our house ASAP!
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
2 Oct 08
[i]Hi despompa,
I can just imagine how hard is that! ANyway, We are living far from in laws, they are 45 minutes drive away from us and we will only visit them during special occasions and that is great I guess!
Only my hubby and I are here..My Family is also far from us!
But, heard a lot of similar stories with friends who have their MIL or DIL in their house, the adjustments, differences and [/i]all!
@kusum07 (11)
• India
2 Oct 08
ya i agree with you that it is very difficult to live peacefully and freely in a joint family specially with your in-laws.i had also faced the same problem earlier in my life.but i have experinced that if you learn skill with people and ways to handle relationship,you would be better able to avoid conflicts and create a healthy atmosphere in the family.this i came to learn after a long time of bitterness and frustration.actually handelling relationship is an art which you have to learn.whether this relation is with your in-laws,your spouse clleagues,relatives and friends.its all skill with people,making them friends and influencing them with positive attitude.i have learnt this and now i live happily with my joint family.
@despompa (472)
• Philippines
3 Oct 08
wish it would be that easy though. we used to live with them during the first three months of our marriage and it's really a disaster. i mean, it's really, really hard to please someone who in the first place doesn't like you. i tried to do all of it but i just reached the point of giving up. what came to my mind was why will i have to please them, if my efforts were unappreciated? so we moved out, rented an apartment. now, that we had a house of our own here in the city, they moved in with us since my SIL's work is here and the daughter is in college here in one of the universities.
@mrsgoodygoody00 (895)
• United States
2 Oct 08
Oh no I cannot have anybody living with me who is not my husband or my kids. lol. I don't think I could do that. Um...I love my family, but I don't think so. If it's for a very short time, I mean very short, then I guess we can figure something out. I can't see my husband's family living with us either, That just won't happen. If someone is passing through town, that's fine, but you cannot live with me.
@despompa (472)
• Philippines
2 Oct 08
wish i can just say it as easy as it sound. in as much as i wanted to it simpler for me, i also have to consider that their mom is already old and has limited time to spend. maybe i just have to be more lenient to her. but in my sister in law's case, im sooo sick and tired of her and her daughter. first, they don't even clean the house which i think they should do because they are living with us and we don't have any house help, whatsoever to do it for us.
@thanujad (405)
• Sri Lanka
2 Oct 08
Yes I can understand your situation. I too went trough a similar situation. I don't even like to talk about that. Luckily my hubby was with me. Now we live alone with my hubby and kids and my mind is free and we enjoy our lives. Best thing is for you is move out and have your own place.
@despompa (472)
• Philippines
3 Oct 08
actually it's our house that they invaded. they lived with us for more than a year and a half now and i think i've helped them as lot. i don't mean to count ways that i have helped them but they tend to abuse the goodness i showed them. it seemed to me that i have to adjust with the way they want it to be. wish this will be over Christmas.
@mansha (6298)
• India
2 Oct 08
In India its a very normal way of life. When you get married you are supposed to live in a jopint family with your in laws and adjust to theior whims. Given time and just putting your foot doen firmly with what you can not accept or comply with, makes things better fo both sides as time goes back. Initially its a bumpy ride when you are new and ready to give in at all times. The best advice my mom gave me was to think hard before adjusting to anything. If you can feel comfortable with it for life long accpet it or else just refuse. Once people will feel bad may be next time will also complaint but do not back out. If you are clear with in your conscince you can make this arrangement work.
@n30wing (4767)
• Philippines
2 Oct 08
Yes I had my mother stayed with us for a month. Ihave to go to work everyday, and my gf stays at home doing her work. But the problem was her daughter who is 13 years old had a problem understanding my mother that we talked about it with my gf and trying to solve the problem. My gf talked to her daughter and I talked to my mother at the same time if their is a way for them to friends again, but it didn't work out fine. So I brought my mother to my cousins house for the mean time to mellow down. Right now my mother decided to go back to the provice this month. But me and my gf wants her to celebrate Christmas with her. So me and my gf daughter doesn't have a problem so we talk and ask her lola is alone can she be with us this Christmas and she just smile, it's fine with me no problem, Christmas is forgiving and sharing right tito. Time makes a way for everyone to learn and forgive. Now me and my gf are happy one problem solve hahaha! God bless! God will always make a way! Good day!
@Mare73 (1335)
• United States
2 Oct 08
During my first marriage, my ex-Mother in Law and my ex-sister in law moved in with us. After 2 weeks I told my now ex-husband that either they left, or I would be packing my stuff and going to the nearest hotel. They left that night to his cousins house. I know it had a lot to do with the culture difference - they're Ethiopians and I'm Puerto Rican/American. We don't do that have the whole village move in with you ESPECIALLY just after getting married. They didn't eat pork, so I wasn't allowed to have it in the house - WTF? It's my da*mn house. I couldn't watch TV freely because his mother would have these daily praying rituals. I had had enough. The biggest mistake of my life!
@airl1527 (355)
• China
2 Oct 08
In fact, you can think of all the things in another way--Let them do everything for you and you can spend the time and money spared doing everything you like. Trying to do everything by yourself makes you tired. We are young and they are old. To show our respect to them, we have the responsibility to listen to them. Don't you think so?
@walkthetalk (1307)
• United States
2 Oct 08
My you have your hands full.
I have been in your shoes and am in your shoes.
My sister-in-law moved in a few years ago, until she got on her feet. I could see she was never gonna get on her feet as long as she was living with me and my husband. Her 21 year old son also lived with us. After three months of her not job hunting I told her she had two week to find a new place to live. I a week she had a job and a house. That was weird.
Now my sons girlfriend lives with us. She says that she feels that she is not respected in my home. I told her that this is my home, I didn't ask her to move in, and she needs to respect me. I go to work every day. When I come home, I should have a clean home. That would be respect. Now she does it.
It is your home. I wouldn't try to avoid conflict to make them happy. Your the one that needs to be happy.
@PrincessoFJoy (61)
• Singapore
2 Oct 08
hmm if i were u would talk to my husband about it and tell him how i feel n ask him to do something about it well as for me i think as long as it doesn't affect my relationship than i think its ok anyway good luck with ur family i think you will get use to it after awhile so take care
@aisaellis22 (6445)
• United States
2 Oct 08
What sad for me about married is that after our wedding, we only have a few days and he is going back to Florida again. Although, i know that we will be together soon, still it's hard to be far with someone you love. I never regretted of marrying him but sometimes you can't help to be lonely because he is too far from you and when you missed him there's nothing you can do but look at your pictures together. I'm really hoping that this stage of our life would gone through.
@germany_fan (511)
• Malaysia
2 Oct 08
yeah,having a home together with family either your husband side or your side seems a nightmare.i heard stories from my friends who their sister live together with them.yes,it's not a wise idea.because married couple need privacy.there are many reasons for that...married couple need space.one story i heard that their parents complain about their daughter in-law is too lazy and not doing house work.but then his husband never complain,even ask her wife to get a rest due to working too hard.well,there was conflict happened...to bad for wife.but i heard they move out to another house.maybe that's the best solution. ;-)
