Venting

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This is a whole lot of randomness. I've been feeling rather down lately and scared to turn to anyone I know in "real life". I'm not looking for answers. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm aware I do need to seek help. I'm aware I'm crazy. I just want to know someone, somewhere understands me. I've been going through another depressed state of mind. My 19th birthday is on Tuesday. It should be a time to celebrate, right? No, not for me. It's just another sad reminder that I've picked this life of a loner. Well, I guess I didn't really pick it.. my social phobia took care of that. I don't want to seem as if I'm blaming it, though, well, I guess it is to blame, isn't it? My social life is non-existence. My life, in general, in summed up in fears and numbers. I say numbers because I'm slighty obsessed with my weight and counting calories. But, I can't even do that right. I can't stay focused. I constantly say I'm going to start over and stick with it. I do rather wonderful the first week, then, it all goes down hill from there. I seriously think I'm just meant to be 180-185lbs. I know that isn't healthy, but, oh well. And as for the fears - that's really want controls my life. Being a Christian, God is suppose to be in control of my life, but, (and I feel completely terrible for saying this) I think my fears overcome him. They're so draining. The main one is looking stupid infront of others. Strangers, the few friends I have, some family members - anyone. That one, alone, has kept me from doing SO much. And, it's like, I know everyone looks stupid sometimes, but, that doesn't help at all. I still stress over it. I'm so scared to do anything, because the fear just kills me. Then, sometimes, it's that one, plus freaking out over what people may think about the way I look. Being overweight is difficult. I try my best not to care, but, how are you suppose to not care when it gives shoved in your face EVERYDAY from the tv, movies, the internet, heck even music? Life is just hard, end of story. I can't handle it. I have thought about suicide more than once. I have attempted it more than once. I settled for SI (self-injury). It started out with minor scratches and turned into razor blades&knifes. From there it turned into hair pulling (not out, just pulling on) and punching/slapping myself? I still cut. No where near as often as I did, but, I can't fully give it up. I also still pull on my hair. More than anything, all of it just makes me feel pathetic. With trying to lose weight, I tried starving myself and purging. I haven't fasted in a LONGGG time, but, I still binge&purge some. I can't tell any family or friends. Getting help isn't an option. I don't have the money for that. Can anyone relate? Did anyone overcome any of this on their own? Please, if you feel comfortable, share your story with me. Please.