you cannot deny and you cannot accept? you cry!

hello buddy ..... thanks that you have responded to me. hope that you remain in touch. well it is true that silence kills. buddy..... life is such that it makes you sees all sort of things that you have never dreamed of seeing. at least in your case you were confused ....may be for certain period of time that you may have her. then she ignored you. well on my part i am sure from the very beginning.... i know that i am never going to have him. never. but still i cannot stop myself from loving him and i cannot love anyone else. i know that i am ruining my professional life. i know that he is not worth of me. every time he needs something he needs me, every time he wants to scold someone e gets me, when no one listens to him then he finds me, and still he blames me for everything. sometimes i speak out...... but i never protest. i fear i may lose his presence. at least i have that and i think that they are very precious to me. i know that he will never understand why i was always near him........ still i wont protest. i wont. it may seem s bit childish.... in fact very childish. ... but what if it is so?i hope that you remain in touch.

It doesnt seem childish to me though. Its over maturity. But never mind, such a thing is bad for you. I know how it feels to be in your boots. I used to spend every day just thinking she might reply to me the next day. On the next day i would again think may be she got some problems and will reply the next day. And days went away just waiting.I never got a reply. I even pleaded her to reply. It really really hurts. But, think of people who really love you, who really care for you. Think of your parents. They didn't ever want you to be so weak at heart. Just close your eyes and try visualize your near and dear ones. As long as he just mistreats you out of love its somewhat okay. But once he shames the person in you, you have a moral obligation to call it quits. It may feel harsh but thats the right way. Its sin to demean the person within oneself. Selfrespect and integrity are the biggest goods i feel. Nothing else counts. It took me long enough to understand that. Having said all these, i still understand how it feels. Love is so crippling you see. The heart never says quit. I still wish yours is not a quit. And he understands you...

ya it is true. buddy you are showing me a big hope that never exists. before being on this site i have not spoken for ages. i feel a bit relieved after ..... may be barking out all that may appear nonsense. keeping that aside... i want to know if i can change my screen name. i fear some one joins tis site and gets to me and my discussions. and then reads them and all the hell will break. buddy you talk of letting the inner person live. i do not know what will be that life like. i have let my self get exhausted and used up emotionally. that "abuse" (... i fear to use that word .... but it is so!) has become so much a part of my life that thinking of something else other than that has become more tougher a task than walking to the top of mount everest. here there i am so much of the negative result that... i feel that i am living an mechanical life. ... just eating, sleeping and going to the college and crying at times and after that getting ready for bearing all those stupid things that .... i do not know... what and why? i always have the option of getting out of this "self created misery" but i never choose that . i even cannot make up my mind to know what i am writing... do they make any sense? .... but i am just doing that as i do everything else. there is so much to say... but still i do not know what i should say. i hope that listening to all these stupid things from me will not prevent you from being with touch. hope to listen from you soon.

ya it is sad it makes the life miserable but at the same time things take such shape that you feel like it is better to be mistreated than not to be treated at all. i fear that things may get worse and i wont be able to remain with him if i speak to him and complain him. in a way i do not want to loose him at any cost. well thank you very much for responding. at least it gets light to talk to someone at least.