How do you cope when you lost someone?

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The most tragic thing that happened to me is when my boyfriend died due to heart condition. I was there when he collapsed in the middle of dancing. I was not aware of his condition and we're not in good terms. He died without knowing how much I love him. I was not able to say how sorry I was for how our relationship went. For almost 2 years I was blaming myself, cried every night feeling that I owe him my tears, its my way of showing I still remember him and he won't be forgotten. Have you experience losing someone and that someone means so much? Do you think losing someone you're not in good terms with is much harder? Is really the amount of tears shed the time you've disappointed the person? Because for me this is how I feel. I need to cry every night just to make it up to him, to show how sorry I am.